To not stop doing jobs to have sex with my husband

[nirvanauk]

We have 2 young DC, grandparents looked after them yesterday for a few hours so we had sex and went out for lunch.

The kids have been to their other grandparents this afternoon and I went to get my nails done. Came back at 3.15pm and DH had been back from work about 5 mins, we had an hour or so until he needed to pick the DC up.

DH asked me if I wanted to have sex, I said ’we only did it yesterday!’, he said ‘so?’. I replied that I had a load of jobs to do.

He was sat on the sofa and I went to sit down in the same room sorting some paperwork out. He looked at me and said ‘are you actually being serious? You’re going to do that now?’. I said ‘yes I’ve got loads to do’. He said ‘only because you’ve been sat for the last 2 hours doing nothing’.

I asked him whether he’d ever considered helping me out with my jobs. He said ’no, I’ve just considered being a husband to my wife’

At which point I started getting really annoyed and told him to stop guilt tripping me. I said it wasn’t fair and he was upsetting me.

He said that he had come back from work to spend some time with me before picking the kids up and he was upset that I didn’t want to have sex, and that I had to always make it about me by telling him he’d upset me by the way he spoke to me. He stormed out saying he would just go and get the DC

Who’s being unreasonable here?

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Yeah, sure it does. 😂
Only in Mumsnet land.

I used to drive 50 miles at 12 am to meet my current DP after she finished working in the bar. Another girl I was dating, drove from Hull-mine 60 miles Fri night- then up to Northumberland to pick her daughter up, back to Manchester for a birthday meal on Saturday. Then Sun morning back to Northumberland-then back to mine Sunday.
Now that's dedication or good sex.😂

But life admin is more important.😂

My DH does the same thing. Any child free moment and he instantly assumes sex. He never thinks to consider that my urgent to-do list is miles long and I’m trying to balance a job, a child, and the mental load. It’s hard to get in the mood when you are constantly feeling frazzled.

We had this come up just the other day where we knew we would have a window soon and I asked him to take some of the chores which he will gladly do. He takes instruction well. I gave him the short list verbally as I was doing something else and he reminded me to write it down for him in the chore app we use. I started crying in frustration and told him to put it in the &/$482$&ing chore app himself.

@AlternativePerspective our children left home sone years ago, we've got a wonderful relationship that includes the love of travel, cold water plunging and kayaking and SEX! Give over with it's only about sev, it's about an all round deep emotional and physical relationship.

Don't fear for me, my marriage is good and happy.

Chore app.🤔

Don't want to derail the thread and this is going to be TMI but after over 10 years with DH we finally got there and I now come through PIV sex....... I genuinely thought I couldn't! He's always been considerate but I just assumed I couldn't as I never have. Took lots of practicing, a willing to try different stuff and trying to keep it lighthearted with no pressure. Hands first (including inside me, then sex with him on top and my hips raised up.....use a couple of pillows if you need to.) Progressed from there and now unsurprisingly my sex drive is much higher than it was as it no longer feels like a chore!

Anyway, sorry for the TMI but you asked for my secret 😆

I think the idea that as soon as the kids are not there your time is his fir having set would piss me off. It is the expectation that you should have set during that time that is shut. Plus why on earth would he want to have sex with someone who doesn't fancy it? His sulking and nasty comments are unlikely to make you feel like it!

He is unreasonable

Sounds like you get loads of child free time if you’ve had two days of it over the weekend so not like it’s a rare occurrence

He said that he had come back from work to spend some time with me before picking the kids up don't make me laugh. He came back from work early for sex. I bet if you'd said "oh that's lovely shall we listen to some music together and plan our next holiday?" he would have still had a strop. And as for his seduction technique "do you want sex?", what a turn off (also being a lazy, unhelpful, oblivious twat = unattractive)

He appears to be under the impression that servicing him is another one of your jobs.

Ick.

Both, really..

'we only did it yesterday'.. Jeez, poor bloke. Imagine a man saying that to a woman? I think most people would agree that was a bit of a shitty response to your dp wanting sex.

If all a couple has in common is sex and the kids then when the kids leave home all they have left is sex. And that just isn’t sustainable.

If someone specifically uses a childfree day to have sex, then it's clearly not all they do (they're taking the opportunity). I have no idea why anyone would think that... and children are a big part of your life, I don't even get what that point is.

Bloody hell,I'm amazed at some of these responses! Good god. If she doesn't want to have sex she doesn't have to!! You can't just get in the mood at the drop of a hat when you're in the middle of chores. She wasn't in the mood. If he wanted to get her in the mood, then he could have tried a little harder than just asking her to drop everything and not offering to help out, then turning it into her. It's hard enough having young children without her husband acting like one!

Well, to answer the original question, sort of, sometimes one or both of us stops doing some jobs when the fancy takes us, but sometimes we don't. Depends.

I don't think that just because you had sex yesterday means it should definitely be off the table but if you want to get on with things you have every right to. Whether he should be expected to help with your jobs or not depends on whether he gets on with his own jobs and whether it's even in terms of domestic labour (when out-of-home labour and childcare etc. is also taken account of).

Really it depends on the rest of your relationship and whether he was being "entitled" in terms of sex, and often is. And whether in general he pulls his weight or not. Those two things can be a major turnoff.

Totally agree, but there are also better responses than "we did it yesterday". To be fair my dp would laugh if I said that, but everyone is different.

I'd be gutted if my DH would rather do admin than shag me tbh.

Absolutely. People always moan about relationships and this is half the issue. Intimacy isnt prioritised. I'd have sulked too.

I think you were both unreasonable.

I would be pretty hurt if my DH wanted to do chores instead of spend time with me in the few child free hours we get together. I wouldn’t necessarily it to be sex, but I wouldn’t appreciate just being brushed off in favour of chores, if he didn’t want sex I expect some other time-together suggestion.

But the stomping and sulking is v. bad. That’s no way to respond to not getting what you want.

Why do people keep saying OMG these responses!!! She doesn't have to have sex she doesn't want!!

When literally no response has said she should?

You're not unreasonable not to want sex. Your husband isn't unreasonable to want it.

You are unreasonable to make it sound like a chore - I'd probably be hurt if DH said 'but we only did it yesterday?' like it was mowing the lawn and he was dismayed it'd come round that quickly again. He is unreasonable if he doesn't help out at home.

Basically, both of you.

Crikey, you’re not doing it right!

I just wanted to let you know OP that I saw your post in a FB group. I can't remember if you posted anonymously there or not but if not just wanted you to be aware in case any of this ends up being outing for you.

Why do people keep saying OMG these responses!!! She doesn't have to have sex she doesn't want!!

When literally no response has said she should?

You're right that nobody has said she should have sex if she doesn't want to. They've just heavily implied that she should want to. Lots of women aren't just automatically up for sex at the drop if a hat merely due to the absence of children.

You can do paperwork when DH looks after the kids when you come back...
Any child free time is sex time for us
However if you just didn't want it, you should have said I didn't want it, not made an excuse for 'jobs'

We’ll, maybe some of us just like to have sex, and have it often?

It probably helps having a decent partner to join you.

I would absolutely choose sex over any chore, any day, if it were offered. I’m not a “cool wife.” Such a derogatory term to describe someone who is more fun or laidback than yourself.

Being taken for granted happens to dull women’s sex drives. He clearly doesn’t want it that much that he will take some chores off your hands. You are not being unreasonable - if you don’t want sex then you don’t want sex. He needs to work on his seduction technique too