To not stop doing jobs to have sex with my husband

[nirvanauk]

We have 2 young DC, grandparents looked after them yesterday for a few hours so we had sex and went out for lunch.

The kids have been to their other grandparents this afternoon and I went to get my nails done. Came back at 3.15pm and DH had been back from work about 5 mins, we had an hour or so until he needed to pick the DC up.

DH asked me if I wanted to have sex, I said ’we only did it yesterday!’, he said ‘so?’. I replied that I had a load of jobs to do.

He was sat on the sofa and I went to sit down in the same room sorting some paperwork out. He looked at me and said ‘are you actually being serious? You’re going to do that now?’. I said ‘yes I’ve got loads to do’. He said ‘only because you’ve been sat for the last 2 hours doing nothing’.

I asked him whether he’d ever considered helping me out with my jobs. He said ’no, I’ve just considered being a husband to my wife’

At which point I started getting really annoyed and told him to stop guilt tripping me. I said it wasn’t fair and he was upsetting me.

He said that he had come back from work to spend some time with me before picking the kids up and he was upset that I didn’t want to have sex, and that I had to always make it about me by telling him he’d upset me by the way he spoke to me. He stormed out saying he would just go and get the DC

Who’s being unreasonable here?

---

If you've found this page in your search of affordable sex toys and essentials that have been recommended by fellow Mumsnet users, you might find our guide to the best cheap sex toys useful. Hope this helps! MNHQ

Being fun or laidback shouldn’t have anything to do with how often you have sex… honestly there’s more to bring a wife/person/mother than existing to meet your other half’s every passing whim. It’s ok to just be.

How much anyone else has sex/wants sec is irrelevant anyway. The OP didn’t want it then. The end.

And me. Fortunately for us the not being able to keep our hands off each other stage lasted a very long time.

Miaoww.

How is implying someone is not fun or laidback not worse than calling someone a "cool wife". Bully you.

🙄I'm not fun or laid back in the slightest... I do have a very high sex drive though. They have nothing to do with each other.
My sex drive would disappear if I was with a dp who didn't do his fair share.

Microsoft To-do

works across phone platforms and lets you set up groups with anyone.

so my husband and I can have a shared list
i can have my own lists
we have a list that tracks our bills and either of us can check off that it was paid.
we have another list that includes our teen and tracks her big school project due dates.

just don’t let your husband think he is incapable of entering items into the app from the phone in his hand. 🤨

@Blarting you have missed the point again.

I don't fear for you because of your wonderful marriage and all the sex you have.

I fear for you because you cannot imagine other lives that are different to yours and so you call women dried up prunes if they don't want sex at the drop of the hat.

Marriage can exist in which both people are happy, with little or no sex. Not all women or all men have high sex drives. Some couples are happy with very little.

The problems start if libidos are miss matched.

To start name calling like 'dried up prunes' makes you sound like a 16 year old with a very limited understanding of human sexuality. which I'm sure you are not.

Yea I rather think you are.

I sometime wonder if I'm sexually broken of if society is... but I can't just randomly get in the mood for sex in the middle of the day in between tasks on the clock just because I was offered.

Honestly I dont walk round in a horny state and cant force it and wouldnt bloody want to, the idea that I should have to because Im married is gross on so many levels.

Why is it expected that all women must constantly be grateful for the offer of sex or they're wrong being busy or just not wanting to is perfectly fine and normal regardless of if you have kids or not.

In fact I would say with each kid we have I have LESS energy and urge for sex, if we get an hour without the kids damn sure I want to be going out for food or chilling watching our show or something not ravaging each other in an awkward quicky at 4pm like horny rampant teens.

Sex is only fun when BOTH parties are happy participents, if OP is not 'horny' theres no debate shes in the right and within her rights to say no and his want does not top that.

Basically you told your husband you would rather do admin than connect with him again.

If you weren't in the mood fair enough (and he should have accepted that) but you could still have put your admin down and accepted the invitation to closeness, gone and sat with him, cuddled him, had a cosy chat etc.
I understand him being aggrieved, I imagine it's not about the 'no', it's about the way it was done.

She didn't want sex, they had sex yesterday, she was reminding him of that when he was looking at her like she had 2 heads for refusing him. It's not as if it had been weeks and then they had a free house and she decided not to engage.

EITHER party can can say no to sex for whatever reason they want to, nobody should be made feel like shit because they are not horny and want to get a few bits done in the house. My husband would want to shag me if the house was on fire, me not so much, especially if he was going to sulk when it was less than 24 hours since the last shag. Fuckin hell.

Mam0918

its society. We have to much to do and the mental burden is carried almost entirely by women. It’s hard to switch off because if you do, the tasks are still there and you are even more behind.

I would also say that many women feel like they somehow need a reason to say no or that if their partner did more cleaning they might feel like it more. It should be perfectly OK to simply say 'no I am not in the mood or don't feel like it'.

He’s being unreasonable. Unless he’s 18 with a sex drive through the roof which he can barely control I would expect him to understand you have other things to do in your childfree time as well.

I do think he’s behaviour is pretty standard of most men though.

But the sodding admin needed doing. He could have offered to help, get it done quickly and then there might have been time for something else. He basically didn't give any consideration to the fact she'd got other plans for the day.

BEAM123 It is highly likely that the OP's husband would not have wanted a cuddle. In many cases this would lead to sex and the inevitable sulking if the Op said no.

there’s no housework that needs doing so badly that a shag would be put off for it.

^ yes we'd be on the same page about this here too! Even if it was yesterday as who knows when the chance could come again!

I know it's like they think "do you want to have sex" is an instant switch flicked. Of course the answer is going to be no if there's something else that needs doing, especially when they don't even bother trying to seduce us.

Why are so many women on this thread needing to be seduced by their own ohs?

Well yeah, I guess.. But, if my dp was in the middle of something on a busy day and I said 'fancy a quickie' he'd definitely say yes.. Or at least laugh 😂
I'd say most women aren't exactly master seductresses either. All I have to do is wiggle my bum at him.. I wouldn't know how to do much else 😃

Exactly!

So many men don't get the concept that sexual attraction happens way before the actual act.

If you've spent hours tidying up crap, doing washing, doing thinking tasks like shopping lists, childcare planning, meal planning with no help, you are very inclined to not want to have sex.

My (ex) H thought I should be eternally grateful that he put a load of washing on about twice a year and couldn't understand why I was knackered and not interested in sex.

His reaction was childish but like many others child free time happens rarely & around here child free time = sex so I wouldn't put that off to do paperwork and/or jobs.

I think it’s more likely that her partner is not doing it right!

He said that he had come back from work to spend some time with me before picking the kids up and he was upset that I didn’t want to have sex

It is possible to spend quality time with a partner/spouse and it not be about sex of course.

A lot of what he said was very manipulative @nirvanauk . He is pressurising you to have sex when you don't want it, by having a strop when you don't.

I couldn't be with such a man- had enough of them in the past.

It's not even a matter of purely voluntarily not wanting it, if you've got other stuff to do.

Why are so many women on this thread needing to be seduced by their own ohs?

I think it's more that how a man tries to initate/suggest sex can be a turn on or a turn off.

Or someone can just not be in the mood or have other stuff they need to do.