To cut DD off?

[BrokenToy]

DD is 18 (just). She’s been living pretty much at her boyfriend’s house for months now.

She informed me the other week that she doesn’t live at home anymore and so we’d have to pay her to babysit/dog sit for our weekend away. Weekend away had been booked for over a year. We were left with no choice but to stump up cash (we were already paying for a takeaway for her and the BF) or lose hundreds of pounds of concert tickets/hotel.

She sent me a text on Saturday about needing new jeans. I didn’t respond. She then phoned me yesterday screaming down the phone that I’m abusive and neglectful and leaving her without clothes. Two weeks ago I gave her £50 to buy summer clothes for the holiday we are taking her on in July. She is constantly asking for small bits of cash here and there (tampons, printer credit for college, things like that that she knows we won’t say no to) and DH and I have just realised this adds up to £155 so far this month…

I’m done. I’m about ready to say fine, you’ve moved out, no more monthly bus pass, pocket money, clothes, takeaways. She works five hours a week and could work more. She smokes and drinks. She’s using us purely as a bank and only contacts us when she needs a top up. I also really really don’t want to take her on holiday but that’s a sunk cost and at least it’s AI so she won’t be asking for cash.

That's good news about the course.
It's unlikely that they're very light touch, safeguarding and pastoral responsibilities have increased.
Get in touch and tell them because they really need to know.

To be fair, it's the responsibility.

I think you are getting a hard time here. Your daughter has made a choice , that choice is to leave home. At 18, she is legally an adult and can vote, get married, and do what she wants without reference to anyone else. She also has responsibilities. She doesn't get to shout at you or to expect you to sub her. She has made her choice, I would keep the door open if/when it all goes wrong, but tell her that you expect to be treated with respect in your home. BTW , I left home for university at 18 and after that I was independent. My family were very poor and couldn't send me money. My own kids don't ask me to keep them, they give me respect, and I respect them. It hasn't always been easy, but I wouldn't put up with the shouting from them. Neither would I be happy if they behaved badly to others. I'm always puzzled as to why parents are expected to be the bank of mum and dad forever, I suppose it's because my family had nothing, so I just got on with it.

Very blaise OP how did the relationship break down? Your dd dog walking should be the least of your worries and I say this as someone who also left home at 19 after going a bad patch with my own mum.

I maintained a job from 16 and college though. Can you speak to the bfs mum?

It's encouraging that she is doing well on her course.
Glad you plan to contact the pastoral team, hope they are helpful.

My DD can be a bit unrealistic with requests for money etc. I think expectations of a certain access to clothing etc are higher with social media influences etc.
But I've no idea why you are getting such a hard time and as for the post suggesting you give her 500 a month and the boyfreinds parents 300! What planet are people on - she's at college not uni so you don't need to fund her like she's at uni!

I'd give her a little bit more allowance to cover all spending and clothes - and pay bus fare and phone. Tell her that home is available if she wants to come back at any time. You will continue to provide basic toiletries she can pick up from home - but clothes and socialising is to come out of her new allowance. No more bits of cash here and there.
I'm thinking of doing this with DD to help her learn to budget.

Are you a qualified mental health practitioner? Even if you are labelling a teenager as potentially having a personality disorder is so damaging! She is a teenager NOT AN ADULT her brain is not fully developed yet!!! The law stating you are an adult at 18 years old is outdated you are not suddenly an adult at 18 the human brain keeps developing well into your twenties. OP I've no doubt you love your daughter and you are in a tough situation at the moment, of course, her behaviour and attitude as you have described it to be is unacceptable but this is your daughter and she is hurting and lashing out at you regardless of whether it is justified or not you are the parent and you are the adult with a fully developed brain please try and find a way to support her through this time it will get better. Many 18-year-olds are still so young and immature in many ways. Honestly, my son is not perfect nobody is we have big disagreements. Our focus is on helping him get the A level grades he needs. Like you say your daughter is doing well in college and she has a job this is more than many teenagers. Many teenagers do not possess the skills to rationalise and see things from another perspective. Give her time to develop these skills.

@Swayingpalmtrees Your post on the class divide was a real eye opener and so insightful and I just wanted to thank you for educating me. Like @TheRoadToRuin said - it can be class and it can also be cultural - in my case I grew up in an Asian household and I've yet to meet anyone of my background (WC or MC) who paid rent to their parents or was kicked out at 18 or cut off financially for being so difficult.

I've seen a few ppl on here saying they were on their own at 18 or 19 and DD should be left to 'just get on with it'. I'd like to know how many of those who do get cut off or kicked out go on to have a relatively successful life free of mental health or relationship problems or other societal issues. I doubt the majority are surfing Mumsnet. It's all well and good that there are people on this forum who have a normal life after being in DD's situation but I'm not sure as a parent, I would want to risk leaving them in a position which could harm their future prospects.

The class based comments are nonsense. As are the assumptions that working class families don't value education and aren't nurturing.

I worked to pay my own way through university and was the first person in my family to go. That doesn't mean I think it's acceptable for a 16-yr-old to be living at their bfs, going to college and their parents contemplating cutting them off because they wanted to be paid for babysitting and asked for a pair of jeans. That's not a class divide or a fending for yourself divide. It is an understanding of how children born into abusive relationships may struggle with attachment and often blame their parents. Parents then have to work to bridge that gap. Not cut them off.

This is a really good point. Not only can a bunch of strangers not diagnose a personality disorder over the internet with no qualifications, diagnosing in children is a very specialist field and even then, its hardly ever done because their brains are not mature.

God there are some absolute headaches on this thread. Busy assuming all sorts. Laughable to read the reaches some insist upon.

The OP's daughter is playing at moving out, while not having actually moved out but is instead having repetitive sleepovers at her BF's house. OP, you absolutely do not owe the enabling BF parents a cent.

I am aghast at the pile on of this woman.

I cannot even be bothered to comment on the repetitive shite of several posters.

OP, things aren't great between you and your girl. She is still a girl you know. I have a 17 year old DD that drives me to distraction so I get it. But your language of cutting her off is extreme.

I too have provided a lot and think sometimes I have had enough of 'giving'. It's an emotional reaction to feeling unappreciated and rejected.

But she is still your child. There has been some really good advice on this thread (that i have noted myself) regarding a monthly allowance and clear rules and boundaries. They still are so emotionally young and unable to navigate a world that is so different to when we were 18.

She seems to have free reign between two homes that have nothing to do with each other. This is something I would put a stop to.

Also, stop feeling guilty. Unlike some posters on here I really do think some teens and young adults are full on assholes. Hopefully, until they are not....

But stop her screaming at you and making demands. Put that as your first priority.

OP, I remember your previous post. There was a lot of support then. Take it all on board before posting pretty much the same thing again.

Good luck.

Hi everyone, we are closing this thread now while we take a look behind the scenes.

Evening, everyone. Thanks for your patience. We're happy all is above board here. Thanks for hanging on while we had a read through. As you were.

Sorry for the brief hiatus, OP. Hope you manage to find a solution with your DD

Well op, whatever you decide to do - please remember this is no different to other stages with children this is just another phase/stage and just like you weaned dd/helped her to ride a bike/learn to read/manage her feelings as a toddler this is the last moments of your shared lives together as she heads into adulthood.
Whatever the tribulations and stresses that existed as she became a teen and more independent, send her into the world knowing she is loved and with kindness - keep the door open without judgement if she needs to return. Make your home a happy place for her so she will always visit you and your dh, and try to draw strength from the fact that many many parents have been where you are today and have come out the other side

I don't agree at all that this is a class thing @Swayingpalmtrees . I'm of the 'teach her a lesson' camp but not in a vicious way, just that kids that age who behave like that need to learn. I think kids who aren't taught end up being nasty and self absorbed.
Ime (not UK) working class kids stay at home until quite late. They get a job, maybe get a partner, and hang out with the extended family and friends while the middle class kids head off to college at 18/19 and expand their horizons, often leaving behind their mates and family.

It is kids from broken, distressed homes, whether middle class or working class, who tend to end up in difficult power struggles with their parents once they're adults.

If you are not in the UK then you are probably not aware of the huge class divide we have in this country. It has a massive impact on children, teens and outcomes here solid It is especially noticeable in terms of parenting style and expectations around education and attainment.

Just came on to send you some support OP. Some of the comments on here are ludicrous and the posters should be ashamed of themselves. Have nothing useful to add myself that hadn’t been said already by some wise ones, but wanted to say you’re doing a brilliant job, in trying circumstances and to see somebody trying to be beaten down further by some of the accusatory messages on here is shameful.

Given OP’s previous post about this young woman, I’d be much harder on her. She doesn’t live there anymore. “Okay fine. Come and get your stuff. Make sure you don’t forget any of the junk in the bathroom.” Decorate her room and make it your sewing room/guest room/art room, whatever. Let her know that you are not sitting around waiting to be graced with her presence. Stop making plans that need her to be reliable. She’s not. Stop letting her bring laundry home. She can do that where she lives. Pay her for babysitting, but deduct the cost of her and her friend’s share of the pizza. Stop thinking that buying her things will improve your relationship. It doesn’t, because she knows what she’s doing and has no respect for you. Let her know that if it all goes to shit with boyfriend, she’s welcome back home if she agrees to treat everyone in your home with respect; contribute to the family by helping around the home.. laundry, dinners, babysitting etc. She can have her old room back, but she must treat it with respect and not undo all the work you’ve done to renovate it.

I'm trying to imagine a world where you have a child just short of the threshold for an autism diagnosis but instead of supporting and helping her you use it to reiterate how awful she behaves. She has acted like this because she is very clearly struggling with many aspects of her life, and has been for some time. This person needs support and guidance. I'm stunned anyone would allow a barely 17 year old to go and live with their boyfriend never mind be prepared to but then off completely just a year later

The DD has been failed massively here.

Yes toasted you have summed it up in a nutshell. And yet you still have the posts suggesting she comes down even harder on her, and I struggle to believe if those posts are real and that is a genuine view that pushing her even further away will somehow help , or they just pushing for the most negative outcome for both op and her child for entertainment.

How do you suggest the OP could have stopped her 17-18 year old daughter from moving in with her boyfriend? The girl doesn't listen to "no", so what should she have done? Locked her in her room? Called the police?

I think some of you live in a completely different world where teenagers are obedient if you're a perfect parent and love is enough to cure every problem.

When I was 17 I went to stay with my boyfriend and just never ended up coming home. My parents didn't stop me but if they'd tried, I may have found a way around it, like getting our own place. Or maybe I'd have put up with it until we could get married a few months later. Too long ago to remember.

@toastedbagiel
You can't stop a 17 / 18 year old moving out , short of imprisoning them .
Op could have shut her out completely but she hasn't, she can't make her come home but she can make it clear she's welcome to move back anytime.
DD is playing at grown up and chosen this and playing grown up means financial independence.
My own DD left home , it hurt at the time but I couldn't stop her . It didn't work and she returned with her tail between her legs .

Well I think she realised she’d gone a bit far as she sent DH and me a text each saying she wanted to come and have a chat (I’d already asked her to and she said no and then hours later said actually yes; I miss you xxx).

So we grabbed this with both hands and kept it very calm and unemotional, she did once or twice get defensive and shouty but we brought it back down.

Basically we have asked her to agree to stay here at least on school nights. Made it clear that we miss her and love her and that it’s not appropriate at 18 and in FT education to live elsewhere. It turns out she rarely eats at the BFs so is spending a lot of money on food out of the house which is ridiculous. She says she only stays there because she wants to be with him and I said that’s all very intense and actually not fair on him or his family, or us! I also explained how we just feel a bit used, even if that’s not her intent, that she only comes home or contacts us when she wants something and it would be great if she could try to spend time with us as a family.

We also talked about the fact that we don’t have endless funds of money to give her and that sometimes when we say no to cash handouts it’s because we don’t actually have any cash. It’s not because we don’t love her and want her to have things. Our income fluctuates (overtime, tips, bonuses) and sometimes we have enough for lots of extras and sometimes we have pennies in the current account, depending on when in the month it is.

I’m sure there’s loads here that people will pick holes in but we are just doing our best and she’s not some poor unloved traumatised kid.

I'm glad you had opportunity to chat with her .
I think the conversation you had was spot on .