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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To cut DD off?

530 replies

BrokenToy · 30/05/2022 07:27

DD is 18 (just). She’s been living pretty much at her boyfriend’s house for months now.

She informed me the other week that she doesn’t live at home anymore and so we’d have to pay her to babysit/dog sit for our weekend away. Weekend away had been booked for over a year. We were left with no choice but to stump up cash (we were already paying for a takeaway for her and the BF) or lose hundreds of pounds of concert tickets/hotel.

She sent me a text on Saturday about needing new jeans. I didn’t respond. She then phoned me yesterday screaming down the phone that I’m abusive and neglectful and leaving her without clothes. Two weeks ago I gave her £50 to buy summer clothes for the holiday we are taking her on in July. She is constantly asking for small bits of cash here and there (tampons, printer credit for college, things like that that she knows we won’t say no to) and DH and I have just realised this adds up to £155 so far this month…

I’m done. I’m about ready to say fine, you’ve moved out, no more monthly bus pass, pocket money, clothes, takeaways. She works five hours a week and could work more. She smokes and drinks. She’s using us purely as a bank and only contacts us when she needs a top up. I also really really don’t want to take her on holiday but that’s a sunk cost and at least it’s AI so she won’t be asking for cash.

OP posts:
Chewchewbacca · 30/05/2022 15:51

How is she paying her rent.? Apart from the behevoural issues, isnt she techincally your dependant as she is a student..?
For eg our dd is 23 and is classed as such as she is at uni .

NohoHank · 30/05/2022 15:53

I don't know anyone who classes babysitting as a 'chore'. I think that's a very odd mindset.

Original poster
BrokenToy · 30/05/2022 15:53

She’s not paying rent. She’s staying most nights at her boyfriends parents. She comes home to do her washing, and shower, and repack her suitcase.

OP posts:
Animallover87 · 30/05/2022 15:55

I can't understand why the OP is getting such a hard time. Her DD sounds selfish and entitled and I don't think cutting off the money would do any harm. It might make her wake up a bit and realise how supportive OP has been thus far.

Justkeeppedaling · 30/05/2022 15:56

If she's not paying rent, the boyfriend's parents will get fed up eventually. You need a plan for when that happens (not very helpful I know, sorry).

Original poster
BrokenToy · 30/05/2022 15:56

NohoHank · 30/05/2022 15:53

I don't know anyone who classes babysitting as a 'chore'. I think that's a very odd mindset.

No you’re right. It’s a sweet deal for her actually. She gets to stay in with a very compliant and independent ten year old, ordering takeaway through my account and inviting her friends over. So it’s not a chore. And she agreed to do it before blackmailing me in to paying her £25 on top (takeaway also came to £60 which was a pisstake but I let it lie).

OP posts:
Icanseehisbumcrack · 30/05/2022 15:58

I’m sorry so many posters are giving you a hard time. I think you’ve been through extremely hard times with your child, and still do your utmost to make sure she has everything she needs, emotionally and financially. To those who think (possibly disingenuously) you’re idolising your son, I think you’re clearly demonstrating that you’ve been a good mum, bringing up a responsible young adult.

Despite her near-diagnosis and behavioural problems, she’s capable of being pleasant and charming when it suits her. I think you’re more than entitled to draw the line. She’s made her choice and you can only hope she’ll look back one day and recognise the truth of the situation. Stranger things have happened.

MagnoliaTaint · 30/05/2022 15:58

Is this about boundaries, OP? It sounds very difficult. But maybe she needs to hear more 'no' from you?

I strongly disagree that she is 'spoilt', sounds like there are far deeper issues here. But does she need: a safe space to release her feelings, with you listening, active listening, and you instilling boundaries (effectively saying 'no')?

It reminds me a wee bit of when my son was PDA tending. I had a few sessions with him where I said 'no' to whatever the day's outlandish demand was - he would then get furious and very upset, and rant and rave - he was allowed to feel or say whatever he wanted, I listened, he wasn't allowed to hurt himself or me. It was enormously cathartic for him and he processed a lot of emotion.

He's been a changed child ever since (this was years ago - I now recognise the signs when he is struggling to fight feeling emotions and now how to make space for him to talk about it).

Can you take her on a 'date'? Is there something you both enjoy doing together? A place you may like to visit/go? I'm thinking of 'special time', just the two of you.

And I think the idea of an allowance is a good one - she gets x amount every month, no more, and then that might remove some of the heat over the requests and arguments over money.

You need to consider what she actually needs financially and try to distinguish that from what she is actually asking for emotionally, I think. Not easy, I feel for you.

DogsAndGin · 30/05/2022 16:01

Absolutely cut contact - it is the best thing you can do.

I know someone who was exactly like this at 18. Failed their first year at college. Couldn’t hold a job down. Abused her mother for not bailing her out…

Well, her mother DID bail her out, and the circumstances escalated and escalated, until it’s a 35 year old woman who had never had to work a day in her life, has had an illegitimate child, and loads of Teri or relationships, and nowhere to live. Then you’re really in a pickle! Teach her a lesson now, so that you can nip this in the bud

toastedbagiel · 30/05/2022 16:02

DogsAndGin · 30/05/2022 16:01

Absolutely cut contact - it is the best thing you can do.

I know someone who was exactly like this at 18. Failed their first year at college. Couldn’t hold a job down. Abused her mother for not bailing her out…

Well, her mother DID bail her out, and the circumstances escalated and escalated, until it’s a 35 year old woman who had never had to work a day in her life, has had an illegitimate child, and loads of Teri or relationships, and nowhere to live. Then you’re really in a pickle! Teach her a lesson now, so that you can nip this in the bud

An illegitimate child? What century are you in Confused

FiveNineFive · 30/05/2022 16:02

I don't think OP gives a shit about her child. She puts her down constantly, takes no responsibility and isn't taking on board anything anyone else is saying

whowhatwerewhy · 30/05/2022 16:03

BrokenToy · 30/05/2022 15:53

She’s not paying rent. She’s staying most nights at her boyfriends parents. She comes home to do her washing, and shower, and repack her suitcase.

You need to have a frank conversation with her .
Point out to her she had informed you she's now living permanently with BF .
Make it clear that she has decided to live independently, that means financially too .
Make it clear she's welcome to move back should it not work out . Make her take all her belongings.
Contact boyfriends mom say your great full for them taking DD in permanent and tell them should it not work out she's welcome home anytime

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 30/05/2022 16:06

Not sure why you’re getting such a hard time here I’d be inclined to pack all her stuff up, drop it round and say here’s your things, as you keep saying you don’t live here, can I have your key back? I’d also say if she changes her mind she’s always welcome home and always apart of the family but she can’t have it both ways and the abuse towards you has to stop.

Swayingpalmtrees · 30/05/2022 16:06

I drive my dd 45m each way every day too, so I do understand what you mean about being very tired, but children are going to fail at lots of things, it is standard. They are learning, it is our job to pat them on the back and say next time it will be easier/take the lessons you can from this and move on.

You blew up and it must have been so shaming to be sacked and your one and only parent blows up about it. This all sounds really hard for her. I am sorry op but that must have been rough.

She is your black sheep, ds is the golden child and this dynamic is unhealthy for her, so she moved out. You continue to put her down, so she moves further away from you. What do you love about her? What relationship would you like to have with her?

Sortilege · 30/05/2022 16:07

DogsAndGin · 30/05/2022 16:01

Absolutely cut contact - it is the best thing you can do.

I know someone who was exactly like this at 18. Failed their first year at college. Couldn’t hold a job down. Abused her mother for not bailing her out…

Well, her mother DID bail her out, and the circumstances escalated and escalated, until it’s a 35 year old woman who had never had to work a day in her life, has had an illegitimate child, and loads of Teri or relationships, and nowhere to live. Then you’re really in a pickle! Teach her a lesson now, so that you can nip this in the bud

Jeez. Like something from Dickens.

SaveMePlease · 30/05/2022 16:10

Dear OP - I can see how tough this is. I don't think I would ever be capable of asking my parents for money to help them babysit. Hell I'm doing a 300 mile round trip next week to help them with some very minor DIY.

There is clearly something very warped with your DD's behaviour and how she the family unit. Everyone saying the daughter is selfish, send her out on her ass, cut her off financially etc - that's fine as a reaction to the few scenarios the OP has described but the OP has said she wants to get through to her DD. There is clearly a real desire to try and reset the relationship with DD and cutting her off isn't going to do that.

Have you tried properly talking DD in person one to one? You could say you're all going to a nice restaurant for dinner and then just have it so it's you and DD and work things through. Ultimately you need your DD to tell you how she feels about you and the family and why she has moved out.

What does your husband make of the whole situation?

Mix56 · 30/05/2022 16:13

I am appalled at the hard time you are getting here.
She is abusing you, & not vice versa.
Tell she is getting X par month, it ends there.
She doesn't want to be part of your family, interact as a family member, lend a hand over an agreed house sitting, clean up her shit after herself....
She is now of an age where the can live her life as she wished, but not at your expense.
She wants a cash cow, you are done.
maybe she should start blackmailing & abusing her BF mother, leaving hair dye in her sink & be a spoilt little cow at their house & see how long she is welcome.
Cut the cord.

TheRoadToRuin · 30/05/2022 16:24

Swayingpalmtrees · 30/05/2022 10:32

What is so striking about this thread is the huge class divide.

I grew up in a working class family, it was not unusual to be thrown out at 15/16 (for being 'rude' usually) and left to defend for yourself, most like op's dd moved out on their own at 17/18 and failed pretty spectacularly as no one taught us how to budget, cook, about the dangers of loans and credit cards. It was a really rough and sometimes frightening introduction to life. Higher education is seen as largely irrelevant at best, a waste of time and money. There is a deep rooted sense of why should a parent fund 'an adult'. As money is hard to come by, it becomes the root of most arguments and the battleground. It is deployed as a method of control. You will soon be hungry enough to bow down to this family, and scrape up some gratitude whilst you are down there.

To say this kind of girl starts life with everything stacked against her is an absolute understatement. She can be dragged into equally damaging and controlling relationships, find herself pregnant at a young age (no guidance whatsoever on contraception beyond the cursory school mandate) and pregnancy has its perks, at least that way she doesn't end up homeless. They are the same girls that are exploited for sex, drug trafficking and worse. They are too young, too vulnerable to be out in the world full of predators without their parents support, and are sometimes very quickly taken advantage of due to the naivety and lack of experience that is normal in this age group. We always see the posts claiming that pp managed at 16 on their own wit, but there is always always a sacrifice, many sacrifices, a loss of education and opportunity, the loss of time to grow up, to be carefree. The losses are amassing but as long as you didn't starve that counts for success - and it really does.

I looked on at the middle class kids with their loving parents, their way being smoothed by love, support and generosity. They are carefully nurtured and expected to do well and go to university, to be financially supported without a hint of 'having to pay back your dues' until their early twenties.
They don't have to worry where the next tampon is coming from, or whether their shoes are falling off their feet.
The kind of bubble of love that I could only dream about. I was green with envy at their life, not for the material goods it offered, but for the unconditional support and love that was given without question. No sense of being cut off/set adrift for your 'own good'. Of course MC teens are just as rude and difficult as WC teens but the MC parents see it as par of the course, WC parents always see it as 'disrespect' and react with real anger sometimes. There are many many WC families that will offer their children the same support and love of course, and many MC that let their children down. But this difference in values and mindset, the striking difference between every post could not go unmentioned. The 'she made her bed' posts versus the 'she is just a child' ones are equally impassioned and equally polar opposite in their views.

Op is in the 'she made her bed' camp, and I doubt she will ever believe that she should be fully supporting her child until she leaves full time education, why should she? She is 18 now and on her own. It starts and ends with that deep rooted mindset. That is why a meal and tampons become a privilege, and it is also the source of outrage from her daughter. Why can't she have parents that actually look after and care about her like other children....and so it goes on for another generation.

Excellent post. I'm not sure the divide is entirely class based but it's always very clear on MN.
Those who had little or no help from their own parents resent others who were treated more generously and kindly. Often so much so that they propose to treat their own DC as badly as they were.
I'm in the long term nuture camp. Fully supported my DC through to uni and beyond. Happy for them to live at home rent free after starting work until they had saved up and moved out. Both independent adults now in their own homes and with whom we have a good relationship.

However I'm not sure what's going on here. It seems much more than the usual ups and downs of parenting a teenager and long term estrangementlooks a real possibility. I wonder whether the OP has considered professional family counselling?

Andouillette · 30/05/2022 16:25

mrsm43s · 30/05/2022 14:03

Regardless of her being being at college rather than uni, living costs are still the same!

How do you "completely financially support" her? You don't pay anything for board/utilities/food. You give her a bus pass and £50 a month. And then you begrudge her asking for money for clothes! And you use money to control her, rather than giving her a reasonable monthly sum for living expenses and allowing her to make her own choices. If she spends it all on fags and booze, she'll learn the hard way.

Do you give your DS the £5k pa + as per the governments expected parental contribution? If not, you're keeping him short too.

Why do you not think that its your responsibility to support your children through education like everybody else does?

Show quote history

Daughter is not having to pay rent, food etc. She has accomodation, food, toiletries available to her at her parents' house when ever she wants them AND accomodation and food at her BF's parents' house. Plus her parents pay for transport, her phone and most of her clothes. Also has £200 wages per month and £50 pocket money and she is included in family meals out and holidays. Hardly life in the Victorian slums, is it?

Swayingpalmtrees · 30/05/2022 16:26

There are some really unpleasant name calling and advice on this thread:

Spolit Little Cow
Entitled Brat
Cut the Cord
Cut her loose

Absolutely cut her off

She is op's child! You don't just cut kids off, at 18! Nothing my dd could do, even if she killed someone would ever be enough for me to 'cut her off'
It is unthinkable.

Original poster
BrokenToy · 30/05/2022 16:28

I do just mean financially by the way, not sure if there’s some confusion there. Not cut her out of my life.

And I’m not going to anyway.

OP posts:
Maireas · 30/05/2022 16:30

She'll have yr12 exams soon, what are her predicted grades? What's the tracking like?
More importantly - have you informed the pastoral team about what's going on?

aSofaNearYou · 30/05/2022 16:32

She is op's child! You don't just cut kids off, at 18! Nothing my dd could do, even if she killed someone would ever be enough for me to 'cut her off'
It is unthinkable.

I think that's a bit dramatic. Like OP says you wouldn't cut them out of your life but it's not unthinkable to stop paying for as many luxuries for them.

Original poster
BrokenToy · 30/05/2022 16:33

Maireas · 30/05/2022 16:30

She'll have yr12 exams soon, what are her predicted grades? What's the tracking like?
More importantly - have you informed the pastoral team about what's going on?

She’s doing a BTEC and is on track for a merit if not distinction. She’s found the right course and is thriving.

I hadn’t though of speaking to the pastoral team. It’s a separate college rather than sixth form and they are quite light touch with parents.

OP posts:
Spanglemum · 30/05/2022 16:34

Have you thought about whether she has a personality disorder? Some of the behaviour suggests that. Even so not easy to live with.

I would expect nothing from her. Give her a reasonable allowance that you can afford and the rest she will have to do more hours at her job.
Abusive language will not get her what she wants.
Good luck.