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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my husband to fuck off

333 replies

cinq · 29/05/2022 23:13

I work full time as does my husband. We have 2 DC ages 9 and 5. My husband works away a lot so I have the responsibility of my own job as well as all the childcare and housework which is fine but tiring.

He’s been away on a boys trip recently and is scheduled to go on another one in a few weeks. Again, I don’t have a problem with this - we can afford it and it’s not a problem.

Here’s where I do have a problem. We are planning to go on holiday in December just after Christmas and I’ve been told by him that my MIL is joining us. I haven’t been asked - I’ve been told.

my MIL is fine in small doses but a week with her I dont think I can manage with snidey comments and just her generally being unpleasant.

i don’t want to say I’m devastated- it’s a first world problem - but I work all year, haven’t been on holiday since before the pandemic and now I’ll be on edge for a week and be spending a fortune for the privilege.

I’ve been clear with my husband that I don’t want to go with her but nothing is really sinking in with him. He just says we won’t have to do it again. I don’t want to do it at all!!!!

AIBU to tell him to just fuck off?

OP posts:
reesewithoutaspoon · 30/05/2022 17:45

I wouldnt go on holiday with my own mother, and yes one day she wont be here. but I wont regret not going on holiday with her. In fact if I did go on holiday with her, her life expectancy would drop significantly during the course of that week. So in the end I,m actually not going for her own benefit.

NumberTheory · 30/05/2022 17:48

@Savethebesttilllast
BUT do you know what, one day they won’t be here for you to moan about. As shit as that sounds

That doesn’t sound shit to me. Why would the idea of someone who is nasty to you not being around sound shit? I get that you mean they will have died but someone you don’t like dying isn’t an awful thing for you. Everyone dies. Thousands of people die every hour. There is no reason to force yourself to spend time with someone who is awful to you just because there will be a point when they can no longer be awful to you.

Naunet · 30/05/2022 18:46

@Savethebesttilllast

BUT do you know what, one day they won’t be here for you to moan about. As shit as that sounds

one day OP won’t be here, is she allowed to enjoy her life a little in the meantime?

Savethebesttilllast · 30/05/2022 19:21

I think showing my dc that compromise is a big part of life is more like it, although I’m not that much of a dick that I would slag my inlaws off to the kids 🤷‍♀️we all have situations that we don’t want to do but ffs it’s one week out of your life it’s not just about op her dh obviously wants to spend time with his own mum.

Savethebesttilllast · 30/05/2022 19:24

I think showing my dc that compromise is a big part of life is more like it, although I’m not that much of a dick that I would slag my inlaws off to the kids 🤷‍♀️we all have situations that we don’t want to do but ffs it’s one week out of your life it’s not just about op her dh obviously wants to spend time with his own mum.
maybe I’m just lucky that I actually like my in laws
maybe one day your dcs other half’s won’t want to come away with you and involve you in their life. karmas a bitch !!!

mbosnz · 30/05/2022 19:24

And OP obviously wants to spend time with her own husband. Without her rude MIL trolling her.

Naunet · 30/05/2022 19:34

Savethebesttilllast · 30/05/2022 19:21

I think showing my dc that compromise is a big part of life is more like it, although I’m not that much of a dick that I would slag my inlaws off to the kids 🤷‍♀️we all have situations that we don’t want to do but ffs it’s one week out of your life it’s not just about op her dh obviously wants to spend time with his own mum.

And what DH wants must come first, yet again, because…?

rookiemere · 30/05/2022 19:36

OP hasn't had a holiday with her DCs since before the pandemic. She works ft and does majority of looking after the DCs including when her H sods off on various weekends with his pals.
Is that not enough compromise to retain an equitable family life ?

diddl · 30/05/2022 19:39

Savethebesttilllast · 30/05/2022 19:21

I think showing my dc that compromise is a big part of life is more like it, although I’m not that much of a dick that I would slag my inlaws off to the kids 🤷‍♀️we all have situations that we don’t want to do but ffs it’s one week out of your life it’s not just about op her dh obviously wants to spend time with his own mum.

Perhaps if he hadn't already had so much time with the lads he could have a holiday with his Mum & another with his family.

It's not really the sort of thing that you can compromise on is it-unless MIL could join them for just a couple of hours days?

Savethebesttilllast · 30/05/2022 21:10

Hmmmm sounds like everyone’s a bit against the dh, how’s about trying to communicate with him instead of asking a load of strangers who love man bashing for their opinions. Communication would work well in this situation.

Newestname002 · 30/05/2022 21:28

@Savethebesttilllast

her dh obviously wants to spend time with his own mum.

And he can - that's a decision he's made - without speaking to and agreeing it with his wife first.

Her decision is that it doesn't work for her and she's not going. He can suck that up.

He seems to think his wife is some handmaiden just there to do what she's told and ensure everything is organised without bother to him.

I hope OP sticks to her decision and refuses to let him bully her into complying. They are supposed to be equal partners in this relationship- something he seems to have forgotten. 🌹

KettrickenSmiled · 30/05/2022 21:51

Savethebesttilllast · 30/05/2022 19:21

I think showing my dc that compromise is a big part of life is more like it, although I’m not that much of a dick that I would slag my inlaws off to the kids 🤷‍♀️we all have situations that we don’t want to do but ffs it’s one week out of your life it’s not just about op her dh obviously wants to spend time with his own mum.

It's not "compromising" to go along with being railroaded into a holiday hijacked by someone who is actively unpleasant to you ffs.

It's kowtowing, & the DC don;t need to see any more of that - this MiL has been needling OP forever.

Oh! & if the H want to spend time with his own mum he can do that by forgoing one of his bloody lads' weekend, & seeing his mum instead. He doesn't get to foist her on his wife, whose sole holiday this is meant to be this year.

KettrickenSmiled · 30/05/2022 21:54

Savethebesttilllast · 30/05/2022 21:10

Hmmmm sounds like everyone’s a bit against the dh, how’s about trying to communicate with him instead of asking a load of strangers who love man bashing for their opinions. Communication would work well in this situation.

His sex is immaterial to the bashing he is rightly receiving.

He leaves all the parenting & domestic load to OP while he either concentrates on his career or fucks off with the lads on one of his several holidays a year. If he were female that would be exactly as outrageous.

Arkestra · 30/05/2022 23:26

To the OP

Immediate term: You don't have to go along to the holiday. You don't have to spend a lot of money on an alternative, if you can ask a friend if you can crash with them. If you can establish an alternative, then your husband can make a choice whether to have you or his mum along on the holiday. If you have no friends, rent a Travelodge. Or just wave them bye-bye and then let yourself back in the house.

Longer term: What the fuck? What the fucking fuck? There is no way ANYONE should be inviting other family members on a trip without asking their spouse? What the FUCK? I am laughing just imagining either me or my dp doing this, and I love my in-laws! You absolutely should not be in this situation. I'll leave it to other to pick that aspect apart, but suffice to say that this is so obviously wrong and bad and something that you deserve better than that... well, words fail me I guess

TalkingCat · 31/05/2022 00:32

Moonface123 · 30/05/2022 15:49

One day we will all probably be MIL' s, is she on her own OP?
I only ever met my MIL at my husbands funeral, they had had no contact for 20 p!us years, so l never had the MIL experiance, thats maybe why l don't understand the big deal, we had zero help raising our kids and l actually used to envy other couples who had grandparents involved.
I am on my own now and would hate for my future DIL' s to react like this.

@Moonface123 Have you not read all the OP's posts? The MIL is nasty and bitchy to the OP, the OP can barely stand to be with her for 2 hours. Let alone a holiday.

And if you think when you're a MIL that your daughter in law should have NO SAY in you coming along, if you are that selfish and entitled you will be a nightmare MIL so lets hope you never are one!

TalkingCat · 31/05/2022 00:39

Savethebesttilllast · 30/05/2022 19:24

I think showing my dc that compromise is a big part of life is more like it, although I’m not that much of a dick that I would slag my inlaws off to the kids 🤷‍♀️we all have situations that we don’t want to do but ffs it’s one week out of your life it’s not just about op her dh obviously wants to spend time with his own mum.
maybe I’m just lucky that I actually like my in laws
maybe one day your dcs other half’s won’t want to come away with you and involve you in their life. karmas a bitch !!!

@Savethebesttilllast Have you read all the OP's posts? The MIL is nasty and bitchy to the OP, the OP can barely stand to be with her for 2 hours. Let alone a holiday.

And if you had bothered to read ALL the OP's posts, before replying, you would see he 'works away' all the time, he doesn't parent, he goes away alone all the time and she never gets to go anywhere. To top it all off, he treats her only like hired help and he makes decisions and she gets no say. You must be a male to think a woman should be treated like shit and suck it up and have no respite, no help and no say in her life. If you're not a male, your handmaiden internalised misogyny and lack of support for the sisterhood in 2022 is embarrassing for you.

oviraptor21 · 31/05/2022 00:48

So @cinq have you told him yet that you're not going if his MIL comes?

WildCoasts · 31/05/2022 01:00

Moonface123 · 30/05/2022 15:49

One day we will all probably be MIL' s, is she on her own OP?
I only ever met my MIL at my husbands funeral, they had had no contact for 20 p!us years, so l never had the MIL experiance, thats maybe why l don't understand the big deal, we had zero help raising our kids and l actually used to envy other couples who had grandparents involved.
I am on my own now and would hate for my future DIL' s to react like this.

I am a MIL and if something like this happened, I'd sure hope that my son could say to me that he'd made a mistake or that my DIL felt she could approach me and tell me that my son had not consulted her and she really wanted this time with just them. I would completely understand that there had been a communication issue and would happily back off. I wouldn't want to be somewhere I wasn't wanted anyway.

2catsandhappy · 31/05/2022 01:19

Book your own holiday to start before his/mil/dc holiday. Let him have the full holiday experience of packing and prepping.
His contempt for you is breath taking.

G0forit · 31/05/2022 01:31

Hmmmm sounds like everyone’s a bit against the dh, how’s about trying to communicate with him instead of asking a load of strangers who love man bashing for their opinions. Communication would work well in this situation.

Are you the DH?

The DH hasn’t communicated his intention to invite spiteful mil and is also ignoring his wife when she’s queried it. Communication only works well if the other party is listening and prepared to understand the other point of view.

Portiasparty · 31/05/2022 06:31

Savethebesttilllast · 30/05/2022 19:24

I think showing my dc that compromise is a big part of life is more like it, although I’m not that much of a dick that I would slag my inlaws off to the kids 🤷‍♀️we all have situations that we don’t want to do but ffs it’s one week out of your life it’s not just about op her dh obviously wants to spend time with his own mum.
maybe I’m just lucky that I actually like my in laws
maybe one day your dcs other half’s won’t want to come away with you and involve you in their life. karmas a bitch !!!

Of course we all have things we don't want to do, but our holidays are supposed to be an antidote to that and a time where we do exactly what we want to do, otherwise what's the point of them. And what we want to do includes deciding who we want to go with on our precious holidays.

The DH can spend time with his mum, and maybe forego one of his lads holidays, but not make a unilateral decision to take his mum on his family holiday without even any consultation or consideration of his wife's wishes.

And would you like your in laws if they were unkind to you, like the OPs MiL? I do think MN has too much MiL bashing but in this case the OP is being extremely reasonable.

ImAvingOops · 31/05/2022 07:06

I suspect the OP will do nothing about any of this!

I do disagree that she should send her husband off with his mother and the children - I would want to go on holiday with my kids. Sending them off with mil would not be a win for a lot of mothers.

My ils are also dead now - I'm sad about this because my dh and dc miss them, but I personally do not regret not going on more holidays with them!

StageRage · 31/05/2022 08:31

maybe one day your dcs other half’s won’t want to come away with you and involve you in their life. karmas a bitch !!!

I wouldn’t DREAM of expecting to go on a family holiday with my Dc and their families! Except for a traditional long-standing type break that had always been inter generational/ siblings etc. that is different from the summer hol of working parents with their kids.

carbuncleonapigsposterior · 31/05/2022 09:19

The OP posted fairly late in evening, having I suspect reached the end of her tether, and wanting to let off steam. Now she knows everyone's thoughts, I wish she'd come back and let us know whether, taking into account what the majority have stated, she has taken some decisive action to her advantage.

I agree with the previous poster, not sure I'd want to go away without my children when they are the age they are. I think I'd give him an ultimatum, either go back to mother and tell her, on second thoughts you can't come for all the reasons discussed, or you and she go away on your own, and I'll book somewhere for me and the kids, bearing in mind who does the lion's share of the child minding anyway, at least she won't have to put up with his mother. He it seems is so wrapped in himself and what he wants, perhaps she won't miss him.

Regina70 · 31/05/2022 10:26

I'd ask him to cancel his next boy's holiday and take you to a couple's or family's holiday instead - Fair is fair if he takes his mother to your Christmas family's holiday then you are owned one. Also set rules, come together for meals but you all do your own things during the day. Time to re-address the balance, you are being taken for granted, stop letting him. And you will be booking yourself to a spa weekend in the New Year. You sound like a lovely partner and mum, but people can take you for granted if you don't keep boundaries. Good luck OP.

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