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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my husband to fuck off

333 replies

cinq · 29/05/2022 23:13

I work full time as does my husband. We have 2 DC ages 9 and 5. My husband works away a lot so I have the responsibility of my own job as well as all the childcare and housework which is fine but tiring.

He’s been away on a boys trip recently and is scheduled to go on another one in a few weeks. Again, I don’t have a problem with this - we can afford it and it’s not a problem.

Here’s where I do have a problem. We are planning to go on holiday in December just after Christmas and I’ve been told by him that my MIL is joining us. I haven’t been asked - I’ve been told.

my MIL is fine in small doses but a week with her I dont think I can manage with snidey comments and just her generally being unpleasant.

i don’t want to say I’m devastated- it’s a first world problem - but I work all year, haven’t been on holiday since before the pandemic and now I’ll be on edge for a week and be spending a fortune for the privilege.

I’ve been clear with my husband that I don’t want to go with her but nothing is really sinking in with him. He just says we won’t have to do it again. I don’t want to do it at all!!!!

AIBU to tell him to just fuck off?

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 30/05/2022 15:32

Savethebesttilllast · 30/05/2022 15:26

I totally get this, I really do I’ve been away with my in laws a lot and it’s something that is organised between everyone and I can’t say no, it definitely isn’t ‘ a holiday’ BUT do you know what, one day they won’t be here for you to moan about. As shit as that sounds, Make the most of it, suck it up your kids still want to be with their grandparents even if you don’t. just think it’s a week out of your life don’t take things for granted I’d come on here and moan away we all get it then I’d plaster the biggest smile on my face and get on with it xx

If you want to be a martyr, knock yourself out - but consider the adult behaviour that you are modelling for your children.

Do you want your daughters to grow up believing they should put themselves and their needs last? Do you want your sons to regard their wives as existing only to serve others and so are 'less than' everyone else?

And as for 'one day they won't be here for you to moan about' - for fuck's sake! Drivel!

OhCobblers · 30/05/2022 15:37

Savethebesttilllast · 30/05/2022 15:26

I totally get this, I really do I’ve been away with my in laws a lot and it’s something that is organised between everyone and I can’t say no, it definitely isn’t ‘ a holiday’ BUT do you know what, one day they won’t be here for you to moan about. As shit as that sounds, Make the most of it, suck it up your kids still want to be with their grandparents even if you don’t. just think it’s a week out of your life don’t take things for granted I’d come on here and moan away we all get it then I’d plaster the biggest smile on my face and get on with it xx

In the nicest possible way I absolutely despair reading posts like this.

No one has to put up with shit holidays with the in laws.

Your kids don't always have to see you put up with other peoples shit behaviour (talking about OP's mother in law) just to keep them happy.

Frankly it would do them good to see their mother fight back and not allow anyone to speak to her like that. Otherwise what are they seeing? Granny being mean to mummy all the time and mummy doesn't say or do anything?

I would never go away with my in laws to keep others happy because my happiness is just as important!

Particularly if I was married to a selfish arse who dumped everything on me plus trotted off on weekends away with their mates, and this holiday was my only one away all year!!

Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 30/05/2022 15:38

I would be absolutely furious!!
This is definitely something that is a joint decision between husband and wife.
I would tell him (in no uncertain terms) that she is NOT coming on holiday with you all. I wouldn't put up with it or go out alot to avoid her, it's your holiday and you won't enjoy it by doing that plus no amount of going out will avoid spending some time with her everyday and it'll spoil the holiday for the children.
He does not get to make that decision without discussing it with you first. If it was me i would say he can either tell his DM she isn't going with you or forget about the holiday altogether as you and the children wont be going! What a tw*t!!

Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 30/05/2022 15:41

OhCobblers · 30/05/2022 15:37

In the nicest possible way I absolutely despair reading posts like this.

No one has to put up with shit holidays with the in laws.

Your kids don't always have to see you put up with other peoples shit behaviour (talking about OP's mother in law) just to keep them happy.

Frankly it would do them good to see their mother fight back and not allow anyone to speak to her like that. Otherwise what are they seeing? Granny being mean to mummy all the time and mummy doesn't say or do anything?

I would never go away with my in laws to keep others happy because my happiness is just as important!

Particularly if I was married to a selfish arse who dumped everything on me plus trotted off on weekends away with their mates, and this holiday was my only one away all year!!

Show quote history

This 👆🏻
Children can spend plenty of time with grandparents but they don't need to go on holiday with you unless you want them to.
Noone needs to suck it up!

OhCobblers · 30/05/2022 15:42

"One day they won't be here"

Sorry but I hate crap like that. My siblings* trot that out at Xmas when I don't want to entertain (every bloody year)* the whole family of 15.

None of us know what the future holds and any one of us could be hit by a bloody bus tomorrow - no matter our age!

carbuncleonapigsposterior · 30/05/2022 15:46

"just suck it up" Really! a lot of that will depend on what the inlaw/s are like, the OP has already commented that she finds her mil a trial in short bursts. That's before taking into account that he has had several breaks without her. He should be the one prepared to suck it up and go back to his mother and explain all of that! maybe warning her that an unhappy outcome for his wife, who he has shown a complete lack of consideration towards in not consulting with her in the first place, could be the final straw, a culmination of other grievances and could spell the demise of the marriage , with a "you wouldn't want that would you?"

Mix56 · 30/05/2022 15:48

Not happening. tell him he has to cancel.
You will not have your precious well-needed holiday ruined by having her along, Its his mother, NOT YOURS.
The alternative is him going with her & the children alone, as you will not be going.
He can't hurt her feelings? OK you will tell her. "Sorry there has been a misunderstanding, I am in desperate need of a family holiday, time to rekindle my marriage & spend special time just the 4 of us. After Covid & running the home & FTJob, I am afraid the offer H made for you to join us, is no longer possible."

SpindleSheWrote · 30/05/2022 15:48

one day they won't be here for you to moan about

And?

Moonface123 · 30/05/2022 15:49

One day we will all probably be MIL' s, is she on her own OP?
I only ever met my MIL at my husbands funeral, they had had no contact for 20 p!us years, so l never had the MIL experiance, thats maybe why l don't understand the big deal, we had zero help raising our kids and l actually used to envy other couples who had grandparents involved.
I am on my own now and would hate for my future DIL' s to react like this.

KettrickenSmiled · 30/05/2022 15:50

Savethebesttilllast · 30/05/2022 15:26

I totally get this, I really do I’ve been away with my in laws a lot and it’s something that is organised between everyone and I can’t say no, it definitely isn’t ‘ a holiday’ BUT do you know what, one day they won’t be here for you to moan about. As shit as that sounds, Make the most of it, suck it up your kids still want to be with their grandparents even if you don’t. just think it’s a week out of your life don’t take things for granted I’d come on here and moan away we all get it then I’d plaster the biggest smile on my face and get on with it xx

I simply don't understand this mindset - it's not the only post on this thread urging similar.

OP: I really, really don't want to go on holiday with MiL
PP: But you ought to. You have no free will. Your husband told you to so you must. Also will nobody think of the children ...

LakieLady · 30/05/2022 15:51

Inviting an extra person to join your holiday without checking your partner/spouse agrees is bang out of order imo.

My MIL is really lovely and I wouldn't mind spending a few days with her at all, but I'd still expect to be consulted.

Inkyblue123 · 30/05/2022 15:52

Can you use her for babysitting? A couple of romantic nights out? Book yourself on a spa day? I’d be furious if my other half did this but he’s done it now, I’d milk it

KettrickenSmiled · 30/05/2022 15:53

Moonface123 · 30/05/2022 15:49

One day we will all probably be MIL' s, is she on her own OP?
I only ever met my MIL at my husbands funeral, they had had no contact for 20 p!us years, so l never had the MIL experiance, thats maybe why l don't understand the big deal, we had zero help raising our kids and l actually used to envy other couples who had grandparents involved.
I am on my own now and would hate for my future DIL' s to react like this.

FFS
Don't get pissed & insult them every time you see them then, & you should be ok.

Did you not read OP's posts?

generalh · 30/05/2022 15:58

Any update? Did you take any advice from other posters?

Harrysmummy246 · 30/05/2022 15:59

cinq · 29/05/2022 23:13

I work full time as does my husband. We have 2 DC ages 9 and 5. My husband works away a lot so I have the responsibility of my own job as well as all the childcare and housework which is fine but tiring.

He’s been away on a boys trip recently and is scheduled to go on another one in a few weeks. Again, I don’t have a problem with this - we can afford it and it’s not a problem.

Here’s where I do have a problem. We are planning to go on holiday in December just after Christmas and I’ve been told by him that my MIL is joining us. I haven’t been asked - I’ve been told.

my MIL is fine in small doses but a week with her I dont think I can manage with snidey comments and just her generally being unpleasant.

i don’t want to say I’m devastated- it’s a first world problem - but I work all year, haven’t been on holiday since before the pandemic and now I’ll be on edge for a week and be spending a fortune for the privilege.

I’ve been clear with my husband that I don’t want to go with her but nothing is really sinking in with him. He just says we won’t have to do it again. I don’t want to do it at all!!!!

AIBU to tell him to just fuck off?

Get your week away on your own booked and tell DH when he needs to take leave to deal with the children.

(it's not refundable, if he asks.....)

SpindleSheWrote · 30/05/2022 16:00

One day we will all probably be MIL' s

Again, so what?

Bizarre arguments on here.

OhCobblers · 30/05/2022 16:04

Inkyblue123 · 30/05/2022 15:52

Can you use her for babysitting? A couple of romantic nights out? Book yourself on a spa day? I’d be furious if my other half did this but he’s done it now, I’d milk it

He can "undo" it.

the babysitting on these holidays with these types never ever materialises (seen more than enough threads on Mumsnet ), particularly if the mother in law is on her own.
She'll be complaining about being left without any doubt at all! Or she'll get pissed ........

rainbowstardrops · 30/05/2022 16:24

Absolutely not! If he thinks it's ok to invite his mother without even discussing it with you then I'd dig my heels in and tell him I'm not coming!
Book something just for yourself and tell him to enjoy having the kids for a week. Tosser.

Watermill · 30/05/2022 16:31

One day we will all probably be MIL' s, is she on her own OP?

This is irrelevant. I am already a MIL and am single. That doesn't mean I have the right to speak to DIL like shit or impose myself on family holidays.

If DS invited me on his family holiday I would speak to DIL and get her take on it.

Expecting OP to go on holiday with a grown ass adult who has been spiteful to her on numerous occasions is totally unreasonable. Being "familee" doesn't give anyone a free pass for such behaviour. In addition, I would ask you OP what DH has to say when his mother is abusive towards you?

Are you "over sensitive?" Or "you know what she's like?"

TheOriginalClownfish · 30/05/2022 16:37

Just book your mother on his next boys trip. I mean, isnt that just what you guys do now?

Really though, you do need to just refuse to go. They cannot physically make you go on the plane.
Don't lift a finger to pack for the DCs, or him or so much as print off the airline details for him. This is his holiday now. He can have at it, him and his mother.

And in case you are thinking that I'm just saying that, I did exactly that some years ago. I told a relative that I would NEVER go on another holiday if X was going. They offered to pay, I said no, not even then. Then what they did was book the trip to 'surprise' me, knowing full well that I had clearly stated that I wasn't going. They bitched a bit about me wasting their money but again I clearly stated that I didn't waste anyone's money, that I didn't appreciate being guilted into going on a trip I clearly said I didn't want to go on just because money was spent, knowing my feelings on the matter. And that was the end of it. They went, I've no idea whether they got the money for my fare back but I don't even fucking care. It was manipulative and it never happened again.

BashfulClam · 30/05/2022 16:46

LocalHobo · 29/05/2022 23:42

Could you invite your DM as well? Then the two Mums could do bits (and babysit some nights!) together.
It might also not particularly suit your DH, so give him some food for thought.

Ha ha if I suggested to my mum that she spends quality time with Mil she’d kill me. She despises the woman. They are very different and do not get on.

i’d point blank refuse to go, he sorts it from there, either he goes off with MIL and kids without you or he tells her he made a mistake.

StageRage · 30/05/2022 16:48

People need to stop the ‘one day she will be dead’ guilt trip.

One day, the OP’s kids will be too old to go on family holidays. Most families have already missed 2 years of the short childhood years of going away.

And the chances are that the holiday-with-kids years will run out before MIL meets her demise.

rookiemere · 30/05/2022 16:50

Thing is even if MIL were lovely, it's no longer a family holiday.

It's very much as if the H sees his life as two separate elements - nice trips away with pals - and then his family life as one other homogeneous blob - with his DW being lumped under the same social obligation as his DM.

BashfulClam · 30/05/2022 17:00

Moonface123 · 30/05/2022 15:49

One day we will all probably be MIL' s, is she on her own OP?
I only ever met my MIL at my husbands funeral, they had had no contact for 20 p!us years, so l never had the MIL experiance, thats maybe why l don't understand the big deal, we had zero help raising our kids and l actually used to envy other couples who had grandparents involved.
I am on my own now and would hate for my future DIL' s to react like this.

My mother is a widow and has no expectations of coming anywhere with us. We have to lie to MIL about our holidays, days out etc as she’d want to come and leech off us. She cried when we said we went out to a large outlet place one day as we should have asked her, why? We went to a hotel for our anniversary and she wanted to come too! So now we tell her nothing.

MinnieMountain · 30/05/2022 17:26

My DM is dead. Never going on holiday with her is not one of my regrets about our relationship.