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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my husband to fuck off

333 replies

cinq · 29/05/2022 23:13

I work full time as does my husband. We have 2 DC ages 9 and 5. My husband works away a lot so I have the responsibility of my own job as well as all the childcare and housework which is fine but tiring.

He’s been away on a boys trip recently and is scheduled to go on another one in a few weeks. Again, I don’t have a problem with this - we can afford it and it’s not a problem.

Here’s where I do have a problem. We are planning to go on holiday in December just after Christmas and I’ve been told by him that my MIL is joining us. I haven’t been asked - I’ve been told.

my MIL is fine in small doses but a week with her I dont think I can manage with snidey comments and just her generally being unpleasant.

i don’t want to say I’m devastated- it’s a first world problem - but I work all year, haven’t been on holiday since before the pandemic and now I’ll be on edge for a week and be spending a fortune for the privilege.

I’ve been clear with my husband that I don’t want to go with her but nothing is really sinking in with him. He just says we won’t have to do it again. I don’t want to do it at all!!!!

AIBU to tell him to just fuck off?

OP posts:
threatmatrix · 31/05/2022 20:13

Absolutely tell him to fuvk off. Say your not going and leave it all up to him.

Janie576 · 31/05/2022 20:24

Most people who think the OP should go on this holiday seem to be ignoring the fact the the MIL isn't very nice to the OP. Isn't it generally accepted that we don't need to spend our holidays with people that aren't very nice to us? If it isn't, it should be. Maybe people like the OP's MIL would be nicer people if there were some consequences for treating other people badly. Like not having anyone to go on holiday with because you're an arsehole! I can think of a number of very close family members who I would never ever again go on holiday with. Even if they had noone else to go on holiday with, they wouldn't be welcome to come on mine as they're horrible. I also have lots of family members who I'd gladly go on holiday with, and I do have such holidays planned. You reap what you sow.

Hmm1234 · 31/05/2022 20:25

Tell her she’s babysitting or she can’t come

WhimsicalGubbins · 31/05/2022 20:28

No you’re not. But he is
whether or not an in law goes on holiday with you is a joint discussion.
And its to be discussed and decided upon before the in law in question is spoken to.
I’d take previous posters advice and book yourself some ‘me-time’ by yourself somewhere

Ss1940 · 31/05/2022 20:31

Tell him as its now a "big family" holiday you thought you would invite your close family as well and see how he feels. Just say as he's invited his mum you didn't think he would mind you asking other family to come as well.

Lollypop701 · 31/05/2022 20:37

Tell him if his mum goes you are not. Not a discussion. Don’t say anything prior but If he chooses his mum then he he has his his suitcase already fully packed … because he ain’t coming home afterwards he’s staying with her. Go somewhere by yourself and pick kids on their return and take his keys off him. I’m probably going Ott but honestly he needs to know it not negotiable and he got you into it so he gets you out and he doesn’t get to blame you

TheMadGardener · 31/05/2022 20:49

Sit him down. State - "you have been on 2 boys' holidays, I have not had a holiday. Your DM is unpleasant to me. I am not going on holiday with her. You need to choose. Either you take her and the kids, I will book my own break. Or you need to tell her she's not coming. Now choose." And don't back down.

Is the holiday actually booked? If so, he needs to see you online booking your own trip so he realises you mean business.
Do not give in!!!!!

momtoboys · 31/05/2022 20:53

I'd stay home by myself and lay in, eat what I want when I want, watch whatever television I want and read endlessly. I might even do it in a clean, local hotel. Sounds a lot better that going on holiday with my MIL.

AnneElliott · 31/05/2022 20:53

Definitely wave them all off - and enjoy yourself at home.

Imissmoominmama · 31/05/2022 21:27

I can’t imagine agreeing to go on a family holiday without checking that it was ok with my DIL too.

whynotwhatknot · 31/05/2022 21:35

So he gets two holidays alone works away alot and you dont get anything in return

nice

DM1720 · 31/05/2022 21:36

This is my idea of hell. I get on well with mil but in small doses. Could not holiday with her. I couldn’t hack it. I’d kill my DH over inviting her without discussing first. No solution for you here though sorry.

BluebellField · 31/05/2022 21:42

You don't want to go on holiday with her so don't. If your DH is so bothered, he can go away with her. It doesn't have to involve you.

Try and arrange a holiday with your friends at another time or just go away with your DC. Don't miss out because your husband is being unreasonable.

LittleOwl153 · 31/05/2022 21:45

We are planning to go on holiday in December just after Christmas and I’ve been told by him that my MIL is joining us. I haven’t been asked - I’ve been told.

Then I would be telling my husband that I was NOT going on holiday with MIL so he'd better resolve that one quickly. (I'd probably also be making sure she knew she wasn't welcome.)

If he insisted I would refuse to go, cancel my leave at work and book some time away in early January, which he would have to deal with in terms of childcare.

Chewchewbacca · 31/05/2022 21:52

If you cant go and have days by yourself fully / without pressure to be with her.. and you know this now( i cdnt!) Then do not go. Tell him that this would not consitutue a holiday for you. . And therefore there is no point in actually going .

What do you like doing? Can you plan to do a week of that either at home or at a spa, or retreat or something. If you did something like a spa i do know that often people go alone ( if that is an issue to you) .. my mate goes to one yearly by herself to rest and energise herself.. love s it !

Mandyjack · 31/05/2022 22:19

cinq · 29/05/2022 23:20

@Superslide i wish I could but no one else is available at that time of the year to go away.

my friends are all mothers with toddlers, young babies and/or pregnant.

im furious that my DH and MIL have agreed this behind my back. I cannot be bothered with the idea of having to make sure she’s not left out and eating breakfast, lunch and dinner with her for a week straight. It’s just not a holiday

Let him go with her and the kids and go somewhere else

Mikimoto · 31/05/2022 22:29

If it's "too late" (how was the holiday booked? who by? all paid for?), go along, do NOTHING except make sure the kids are ok, and book spa etc. to coincide with meal times.
Then plan your own w/end away, preferably to coincide with random thing OH is interested in (Cup Final? MIL's b-day?) :o)

sashadjas · 31/05/2022 22:34

You are completely not being unreasonable, and in fact I'd be going one step further and telling MIL to fuck right off!

To tell my husband to fuck off
To tell my husband to fuck off
Insanelysilver · 31/05/2022 22:37

The fact he’s presented you with a fait acccompli is a total and absolute piss take!
And I also hope you’re also getting to go away on jollies without the kids as your DC is frequently pssing off on trips!
Maybe let him go with DK’s and his mum and go to a lovely spa resort abroad somewhere with a friend. It does sound like he’s taking you for granted. You do so much of the day to day grunt work as well as working FT!

Solonge · 31/05/2022 22:37

I would sit him down and make the point.....he works away and you look after everything....he goes away with friends......and you look after everything.... you have one holiday planned with your husband...and without discussing with you he books his mother on the trip. I would make it very, very, very clear....you will go, you will spend the time you need on your own doing what you want as this is supposed to be a holiday for you....and when you come back...you will be booking a holiday with the girls...and he can look after the kids and the house. Your husband seems to view you as a convenience....childcare and housekeeper. If you dont make a point now.....he will walk all over you.

yzed · 31/05/2022 22:40

I would ask him what he means by We won't have to do it again. Is she dying of a terminal illness? Doesn't make it an enjoyable holiday for you, but maybe you'd find it tolerable if you knew you were off on holiday on your own the week after?

Otherwise I'd say book a holiday the same week. Leave two nights before so he has to sort the children. Return two nights after so he has to worry about what he's done. (You can extend your booked holiday away by staying with friends, if necessary.)
And perhaps a short note on his pillow explaining that this is a consequence of not listening.
Good Luck, and be sure to enjoy your holiday.

momznetadmin · 31/05/2022 22:58

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Sumshinebound · 31/05/2022 23:05

What a nightmare! I would be so angry. My husband wouldn’t do this but I know lots would. No useful suggestions just sending you very good luck to get out of it.

simiisme · 31/05/2022 23:09

Genius idea to book your own holiday & let him go with his Mum and the kids!

GetThatHelmetOn · 31/05/2022 23:11

Oh well… I have a lovely relationship with my ex MIL, who is listed in my divorce petition as one of the causes of divorce.

My exH never ever did anything to deal with her horrible behaviour, if we get along this well these days it is because I had enough and told her what her spineless son didn’t want to say: She either treat me with the courtesy and good manners she would owe a stranger or she could let go of the idea that she was welcomed at my house. I stopped picking up calls from her for three years for good measure so no, if her son didn’t pick up the phone himself (and he didn’t because he also found her tiresome), it would be weeks on end before she could reach him.

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