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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my husband to fuck off

333 replies

cinq · 29/05/2022 23:13

I work full time as does my husband. We have 2 DC ages 9 and 5. My husband works away a lot so I have the responsibility of my own job as well as all the childcare and housework which is fine but tiring.

He’s been away on a boys trip recently and is scheduled to go on another one in a few weeks. Again, I don’t have a problem with this - we can afford it and it’s not a problem.

Here’s where I do have a problem. We are planning to go on holiday in December just after Christmas and I’ve been told by him that my MIL is joining us. I haven’t been asked - I’ve been told.

my MIL is fine in small doses but a week with her I dont think I can manage with snidey comments and just her generally being unpleasant.

i don’t want to say I’m devastated- it’s a first world problem - but I work all year, haven’t been on holiday since before the pandemic and now I’ll be on edge for a week and be spending a fortune for the privilege.

I’ve been clear with my husband that I don’t want to go with her but nothing is really sinking in with him. He just says we won’t have to do it again. I don’t want to do it at all!!!!

AIBU to tell him to just fuck off?

OP posts:
Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 31/05/2022 11:00

How is just doing what your husband wants and sucking it up teaching compromise to your kids. Unless I don't understand the word compromise.

KettrickenSmiled · 31/05/2022 11:43

It's a mumsnet trope @Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov
Some CF makes a horrendously out of order request, & instead of confirming that the CF should take a running jump, PP immediately start bandying about the word "compromise" - as if it were synonymous with "do just a portion of the totally out of order thing".

OP: My pal & I are having a weekend break in Manchester. I live in Liverpool, she's in Sheffield. I will be leaving work at lunchtime & driving there. I thought she would be catching the train as she doesn't drive, but she's just asked me to pick her up so that she doesn't have the hassle of lugging her bags around. I don't want to as it's ridiculously out of my way, & I deliberately booked the pm off work so I would arrive early to de-stress. If I pick her up I'll be driving through rush hour well into the evening. AIBU?

PP: Why don't you compromise & pick her up in Macclesfield?

OP: Because I don't want to do a lot of extra driving & go miles out of my way, arriving late, when she has a perfectly viable train.

PP: BUT YOU MUST COMPROMISE. Macclesfield is MUCH closer than Sheffield!

OP: But - but - I don't want to drive miles past Manchester only to turn round & come back again. There are trains!

PP: If you were any sort of a friend you'd COMPROMISE

OP: But I don't want to drive to Sheffield OR Macclesfield.

PP: You can't just have it all your own way. Call yourself a friend?

OP: abandons own thread in despair.

anonacfr · 31/05/2022 11:53

Just tell him you're not going.
You know you are going to end up running after her and the kids and have a nightmare week.
Tell him you don't want to do that and you're not going to.
You don't need another holiday/friend excuse.

Pickabearanybear · 31/05/2022 11:55

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

KarmaStar · 31/05/2022 13:39

He's a c.f.!!
Tell him no.to tell her no.if he wont,cancel holiday and reboot one for you.

Poppingmad123 · 31/05/2022 18:13

What a completely selfish fucktard!
I would definitely make plans to do things on your own. I like the idea of every morning is your time, so plan some treats in for yourself and let them tend to breakfast on their own, expect lunch to be ready when you get back and then do family events in afternoon. What else would be the point of mil coming? And yes she can baby sit in evenings too.

StaryEyes1978 · 31/05/2022 18:22

Honestly. I would go away on my own rather than do this! Book somewhere sunny and bugger off leaving them to it. I should point out this is exactly something my DH would do and I would completely absent myself from this holiday (have had to do this for weekends away in the past). Thankfully he’s not done it of late!!!

Pr1mr0se · 31/05/2022 18:38

Is your MIL on her own ( no FIL?). I think having her come along would be acceptable then. Agree DH not discussing it first with you is unacceptable for a family holiday. Can you work nvite other family of yours along too? How would he feel about that?

Staryflight445 · 31/05/2022 18:40

How have you paid for the holiday op?

was it a joint effort? I’d be full on asking for your part back and book something for you and your children alone. Let him holiday with his mother if he’s so desperate to.

Rickx · 31/05/2022 18:54

Sounds like your DH is used to getting his own way and in this case he's clearly being unreasonable and disrespectful to you. Family holidays are important and he needs to understand that point of principle. You'll need to make it clear that you absolutely will not be joining if your MIL is going.

Walkingalot · 31/05/2022 18:56

Tell him flat out that you're not going and enjoy a week somewhere else child free. Seriously though, you need to spell it out to him that it wont be a relaxing holiday for you and he was bang out of order agreeing to it without your input.

Janie576 · 31/05/2022 19:01

YANBU. I agree with all the previous posters, I'd just, refuse to go, let him go with DM and take the kids. But then I'd be perfectly happy to just go somewhere on my own, I've always fancied the idea of going on holiday alone but I've never really had the opportunity. Is there anything you'd like to do alone? City break? Spa? You could just go away for a few days and then enjoy the peace and quiet at home.

Shreddiesandmuseli · 31/05/2022 19:04

Does your DH have any justification for this? Is MIL very elderly or lonely or helps you out all the time? I mean I don’t think her behaviour is acceptable by any stretch of the imagination but maybe he has some sort of guilt about her? Maybe if you get to the bottom of why then you might be able to suggest alternatives?

Shreddiesandmuseli · 31/05/2022 19:05

Or does he think she she’ll help with childcare or something to give you a break? Sometimes people have weird reasons for doing things

mbosnz · 31/05/2022 19:06

I think I'd appear to go along with it. And go to the airport, and wave the whole bloody lot of them off.

notwavingbutdrowning5 · 31/05/2022 19:17

I haven't read all 11 pages - about half of them.

I think the OP's DH has behaved really badly and I would be furious too.

BUT I am gobsmacked at all this 'wave them off with the kids and stay at home'' stuff. One of the DCs is five years old. When mine were that age, they would have been really distressed if I'd backed out of a long-awaited holiday at the last minute. How are they going to enjoy it if their mum isn't there?

Also, re the MIL - I understand that the OP doesn't especially get on with her. But the OUTRAGE on here against another woman shocks me. She may be old; she may be lonely; she may be grieving. That doesn't mean the OP has to like her. But can we just pause before we lynch the MIL as well as the husband? We have no idea what her side of the story is. Presumably most of us may be MILs ourselves one day - do we want to be spoken about like this? (Again, not referring to the OP but to some of the responses.)

I used to turn to Mumsnet to cheer me up; some of the responses on this thread depress the hell out of me.

Staryflight445 · 31/05/2022 19:18

Shreddiesandmuseli · 31/05/2022 19:05

Or does he think she she’ll help with childcare or something to give you a break? Sometimes people have weird reasons for doing things

Why does it matter if that’s the reason?

why do we accept things that are damn right disrespectful because it had intentions that are nice? This is so toxic.

op doesn’t want her there, works hard and wasn’t asked.

Shreddiesandmuseli · 31/05/2022 19:36

@Staryflight445 or maybe he was just trying to be kind? I feel like lots of the posts are assuming the most negative outcome but maybe there’s more to it than the husband being the worst most unreasonable person in the world.

Shreddiesandmuseli · 31/05/2022 19:39

@notwavingbutdrowning5 totally agree with you. I’m really sad and shocked at the amount of negativity and horrible assumptions that are being made about both the DH and the MIL. Do we live in a society where everyone just assumes the worst rather than the best in others?

Staryflight445 · 31/05/2022 19:39

Shreddiesandmuseli · 31/05/2022 19:36

@Staryflight445 or maybe he was just trying to be kind? I feel like lots of the posts are assuming the most negative outcome but maybe there’s more to it than the husband being the worst most unreasonable person in the world.

Again, you’ve missed the point here that I was trying to make.

you don’t just invite someone on holiday.

Janie576 · 31/05/2022 19:40

There's zero justification for the OP's DH to tell OP that MIL is coming on the holiday, without out any consultation. It doesn't matter what the reasons are for inviting MIL on the holiday, OP should have been asked. Maybe a compromise could have been reached, they go away for a short trip with MIL maybe. I do think the OP should refuse to go, no they might not go away without her, the kids might not want to. So the holiday is cancelled, so be it, it's DH's fault and his problem. Maybe DH can go away with his DM alone. OP shouldn't have to go on a holiday that she'll hate.

Newestname002 · 31/05/2022 19:48

KettrickenSmiled · 31/05/2022 11:43

It's a mumsnet trope @Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov
Some CF makes a horrendously out of order request, & instead of confirming that the CF should take a running jump, PP immediately start bandying about the word "compromise" - as if it were synonymous with "do just a portion of the totally out of order thing".

OP: My pal & I are having a weekend break in Manchester. I live in Liverpool, she's in Sheffield. I will be leaving work at lunchtime & driving there. I thought she would be catching the train as she doesn't drive, but she's just asked me to pick her up so that she doesn't have the hassle of lugging her bags around. I don't want to as it's ridiculously out of my way, & I deliberately booked the pm off work so I would arrive early to de-stress. If I pick her up I'll be driving through rush hour well into the evening. AIBU?

PP: Why don't you compromise & pick her up in Macclesfield?

OP: Because I don't want to do a lot of extra driving & go miles out of my way, arriving late, when she has a perfectly viable train.

PP: BUT YOU MUST COMPROMISE. Macclesfield is MUCH closer than Sheffield!

OP: But - but - I don't want to drive miles past Manchester only to turn round & come back again. There are trains!

PP: If you were any sort of a friend you'd COMPROMISE

OP: But I don't want to drive to Sheffield OR Macclesfield.

PP: You can't just have it all your own way. Call yourself a friend?

OP: abandons own thread in despair.

So very true. I've never been able to understand the (faulty) logic behind this type of thinking... 🌹

MsTSwift · 31/05/2022 20:01

The fact it’s a mil is a red herring. No one decent invites a third party on a family holiday without agreeing it with every other adult going. It’s fucking outrageous! Whether it is a mil or Harry styles.

Ziegfeld · 31/05/2022 20:05

MsTSwift · 31/05/2022 20:01

The fact it’s a mil is a red herring. No one decent invites a third party on a family holiday without agreeing it with every other adult going. It’s fucking outrageous! Whether it is a mil or Harry styles.

I’d definitely LTB if he invited Harry bloody Styles

KettrickenSmiled · 31/05/2022 20:06

Shreddiesandmuseli · 31/05/2022 19:39

@notwavingbutdrowning5 totally agree with you. I’m really sad and shocked at the amount of negativity and horrible assumptions that are being made about both the DH and the MIL. Do we live in a society where everyone just assumes the worst rather than the best in others?

No, we read the OP's posts so don't need to make any assumptions: it's there in black & white.

Her MiL cannot last 2 hours without making cutting remarks, & her DH enjoys all the perks of family life without having participate in the daily grind, which he leaves to his wife while he manages his career & enjoys frequent weekend Lad Breaks.

No assumptions there.
Anyway, I hope OP gets a solution, & also more respect from her DH,