Confused about where I stand- FWB

[Applesandlemons19]

Hi

I am posting here for some advice as I’m confused at the moment. I have been seeing someone for a while and it has been FWB/casual. I’m not sure where I stand though as the last few times we have seen each other he has been kissing and cuddling me. We chat for hours and he makes me laugh. He also sends me texts such as ‘good night beautiful’ and others like that.

Is this typical of FWB? I’m not sure what his thoughts are but I have started to develop feelings.

There is a few red flags though because he never arranges a day to next meet. He will ring me and ask to see me on the day or ask what I’m doing later. Sometimes it can be 10pm at night. I never know when I’m next going to see him. It could be 2 days or a week, I just never know until he decides he would like to see me. Sometimes he will blow hot and cold. He will be texting all day sometimes then others not at all.

If this was just casual sex to him would he be kissing me and staying to cuddle after and sending me texts like that?

*you're wiser

@BadNomad

Actually I also said she was a true friend to hang out with and we watched old movies late at night in the sam post. Besides cleaning old golf clubs is kind of satisfying- it’s like popping a zit when the dirt comes out the grooves. And we like to take an interest in each other’s hobbies. I for instance, have watched far more Scream, I know what you did last summer and Buffy than I ever intended to.

@ripfb and others.
We must also not forget that Longweiner's fwb turned missus will never meet a man who understands her like he does...

Know a guy like Longweiner.

(Or to be fair how Long weiner comes across here.)
A clever dick in a fwb turned relationship at the exact time he needed somewhere to live.
The 'lucky lady' grew some self esteem and kicked him out.
To this day he whinges about how SHE told him she loved HIM.

Never ever about how much he loved her.
A petulant, know - nothing - thinks - he-knows - everything manchild.

@LongFatWeener69 Have you noticed that not every man, and definitely not many women, think the way you do? It's not because they are lying, or hiding their true thoughts, or ignorant, it's because they genuinely don't think that way. I don't even know how to describe your way. Egocentric maybe? You say you're just "keeping it real", but I think your "real" is actually quite narrow-minded and not typical of most people. And most people when told something like this would look into themselves to consider if it could be true, but I get the feeling you really don't do insight, and you'll dismiss this as either silly women talk, or bullshit.

@FlissyPaps

I didn’t ask. She saw me doing it and offered.

I am genuinely confused. If you have agreed to FWB then this guy's behaviour is exactly what I would expect. Good sex, some kissing and a bit of cuddling after care when the deed is done. Pleasant conversation and some polite texts seem like the friends bit of FWB.

If he was asking you out on dates or to just come over to spend time together then that would be implying things were changing, but he isn't.

Don't mistake common courteousy in a FWB and good bedroom etiquette for deeper feelings. Your are projecting.

Had a previous FWB pull this thing, catching feelings and thinking we were evolving into a couple. Came as a complete shock to me and felt like they had pulled the rug out from a pleasant arrangement. It just turned out her last FWB experience was a turd who treated her like a prostitute rather than a friend so she had conflated what my behaviour implied. Don't be that person please. Don't project your desires onto him. End it or discuss the boundaries you feel you need to keep this arrangement in a FWB realm in your head.

Argh even your username is cringe @LongFatWeener69

Adults who put 69 after a username strike me as the type who aren't great in the sack, still laughing like a schoolboy at the very idea of sex instead of being good at it!

Btw the correct spelling is wiener and here are the meanings:

1. Frankfurter, hot dog
2. Penis
3. An awkward, weak or ineffectual person

If the shoe / username fits, I guess!

She probably saw you doing a horrendous job of it and didn’t want crusty dirty everywhere.

Besides cleaning old golf clubs is kind of satisfying- it’s like popping a zit when the dirt comes out the grooves

Do it yourself if you find it so therapeutic. Just because she offered, doesn’t mean you have to take her up on that offer.

Seriously, if the only good thing you have to say about your OH is that she cleans golf clubs and kneads bread for you - then I feel sorry for the both of you.

@wellhelloitsme
my user name references a favourite childrens book about a dashund that steals sausages and my latest golf score. It’s not what you thought of.

@FlissyPaps

Ive said a whole bunch of other good stuff, it’s all in the thread.

If someone is asked for their partner's best qualities and their answer is two acts of service, essentially, I don't think they see that partner as an equal.

Healthy responses to that question would be they're funny, kind, passionate, talented, clever, thoughtful...

Not "they clean my golf clubs and make freshly kneaded bread for me". It's so demeaning it's almost funny! Almost.

Do you really think your partner would be pleased with that being your answer to what her best qualities are @LongFatWeener69?

Ah ok you're an actual troll, I get it now.

Off you pop to the PUA / MRA / incel subreddits, there's a good lad.

@wellhelloitsme

I don’t know what a PUA is and I’m none of those things. I came on here to dispute people saying that a man who was FWB with a chick would never want more or that he was being disrespectful - because I know for sure that both of those things are untrue.

Don’t understand why that’s caused such a stir. 🤷

"Chick"

The cringe!

Cool story @LongFatWeener69

Say hi to Reddit from us naughty women with opinions and our own experiences contradictory to yours. The nerve of us!

@wellhelloitsme

Believe it or not, not everyone is actively involved in online talk in the way you seem to think. If you don’t want to be FWB to a man you don’t need to be and neither does the OP, I was just offering my opinion and experience as an example of FWB (or similar) that turned into much more, I’m not saying it always will, or that no guy will lead you on in that way, just that that’s not always the intention and it could become more.

I was just offering my opinion and experience as an example of FWB (or similar) that turned into much more, I’m not saying it always will, or that no guy will lead you on in that way, just that that’s not always the intention and it could become more.

Mate, literally everyone has agreed that FWB can turn into more.

What you seem to be ignoring (either wilfully or because you aren't able to comprehend it) is people saying that it's terrible advice to say that women should pretend they are "chill" with the arrangement if they aren't.

Because doing that it's damaging to their self esteem and means they aren't being themselves, they're being what they think the man wants them to be which sets up an unhealthy dynamic.

Plenty of us have had brilliant FWBs who we enjoyed cracking shags and loads of laughter with. Because we were on the same page, being transparent and not pretending we didn't want any more than FWB if in fact we did.

It's not the concept of FWB people are taking issue with, it's the concept of someone pretending they are comfortable with the arrangement when they actually aren't. Which is damaging to them.

@wellhelloitsme

I’m not ignoring people saying it’s terrible advice for women to pretend they are chill with FWB, I disagree with it.

Often before a relationship develops it’s the etiquette to play it cool and get to know the other person, that’s true whether it’s old fashioned dating or FWB. I mean how can a man know if he would pick you if you don’t even give him a chance to get to know you but instead say “big relationship or gtfo”? Or vice versa for a woman.

FWB is a type of relationship trial often, maybe it will be more and maybe not, but it has as much worth as dating easily as far as getting to know someone, if not more. Because unlike people (especially men) putting on big fakery to impress a girl on dates, the man you are FWB with will generally have just been his normal self with you, so you will know what he will be like to live with for example.

I get that emotions can arise for some women about these FWB sexual situations but the modern world and birth control has meant that those emotions aren’t the most practical for the current relationship scene - of which FWB style setups feature prominently as a precursor to serious relationships. So just like being nervous before a date with someone you really liked in the old days but having to swallow it and be brave, the same applies here with emotions arising from having sex with a man your not sure likes you as much as you like him, it’s just a part of possible relationships.
Its just the way and will be from now on, there’s no point questioning it.

I’m not ignoring people saying it’s terrible advice for women to pretend they are chill with FWB, I disagree with it.

You can disagree all you like but you are factually wrong.

Advising women to pretend to be "chill" with a man she's sleeping with, even if it's making her feel shit and anxious because she wants more, is gross.

You seem to be that special type of misogynist who genuinely believes they aren't a misogynist.

I'm baffled any woman has liked you more than you like them tbh, if this is at all how you speak about women and relationship dynamics in real life but horses for courses I guess.

That's fine. You don't have to like any of that. The women who are typically attracted to me are looking for a man who isn't a pushover. They don't want a wet-lettuce yes-man, who always agrees with her, changes his plans for her, and does everything to please her. Those kinds of men are a turn off to them. Rather, they want to be challenged, and have a man that will take the lead, and say what he really thinks and feels, even when he knows she may not agree.

(Checks Notes)

seeing as she’s preggers it’s a little late for ending it now!

I have a fiancé who makes me hand kneaded bread and will clean my golf clubs

even when she was a FWB type I had no specific plans arranged for her

It is true that she does most things on the domestic front

I would guess I’m easy to live with, treat her well, fine with parents and sisters being around whenever

she will never find another man who understands and accepts her like I do

I don’t know what kind of superior, chill, great guy you think you are but …. That ain’t it!!!

The women who are typically attracted to me are looking for a man who isn't a pushover. They don't want a wet-lettuce yes-man, who always agrees with her, changes his plans for her, and does everything to please her. Those kinds of men are a turn off to them. Rather, they want to be challenged, and have a man that will take the lead, and say what he really thinks and feels, even when he knows she may not agree.

My male partner is not a wet lettuce yes-man, doesn't always agree with me, doesn't live just to please me etc. He also shares what he really thinks and feels, even when he knows I won't agree. He's also not a misogynist or an arsehole.

You seem to be under the impression that women don't like nice blokes and that women think all nice blokes are pushovers. In fact, plenty of women do like nice blokes and plenty of nice blokes aren't pushovers.

@FlissyPaps

I don’t think I’m superior and as I’ve already stated, I said she was a true friend and listed some of the cute things about her I like, but whatever.

Yeah, we confident, mentally healthy women love conflict and hate being happy in our relationships. We'd rather have a man who makes everything a battle and doesn't consider our needs and opinions.

😂😂😂

@BadNomad What are you talking about? I never said anything about conflict or a battle. I hate that kind of shit, my life with my Fiancé is easy and chilled, thats what’s cool about it (in small part) and that’s also the vibe she had when FWB. And I listen to her all the time.

Sigh. I wasn't talking to you. There are other people on this thread too.