Confused about where I stand- FWB

[Applesandlemons19]

Hi

I am posting here for some advice as I’m confused at the moment. I have been seeing someone for a while and it has been FWB/casual. I’m not sure where I stand though as the last few times we have seen each other he has been kissing and cuddling me. We chat for hours and he makes me laugh. He also sends me texts such as ‘good night beautiful’ and others like that.

Is this typical of FWB? I’m not sure what his thoughts are but I have started to develop feelings.

There is a few red flags though because he never arranges a day to next meet. He will ring me and ask to see me on the day or ask what I’m doing later. Sometimes it can be 10pm at night. I never know when I’m next going to see him. It could be 2 days or a week, I just never know until he decides he would like to see me. Sometimes he will blow hot and cold. He will be texting all day sometimes then others not at all.

If this was just casual sex to him would he be kissing me and staying to cuddle after and sending me texts like that?

And baking freshly kneaded bread! Lucky lady.

Women, serve your men. They still won't respect you but they'll brag about it to people.

Boak.

Can I just add, your confidence isn’t at rock bottom and you don’t just feel you are only good for being used. You know why? Because you recognise that he isn’t treating you in the way you deserve, rather than just gratefully accepting it. You do have self-worth and you do have standards for what you will accept. The fact you sent that message to him shows you have the strength inside to stand up for yourself. The next step is having the strength to believe your judgement is right (it 100% is!) and that you won’t cave in simply because he did the entirely predictable thing and messaged straight away as soon as you told him to sling it. You know his game and you know he does this regularly. This time will be the last time he makes you feel this shit and used. He doesn’t get to do this any more because you are wise to it and you’ve decided that you’ve had enough.

@ripfb

Well that’s love isn’t it? Sometimes you want something to turn into more, sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn’t. That goes the same for “dating” or a FWB type deal.

No offense but I’m just trying to get you to see that FWB and similar is just a modern way to get to that point, or not. It’s not fundamentally different to casually dating and seeing if it becomes more - sometimes one person wants more than the other and it’s absolutely fine to stay in that situation and see if it pans out if your a woman who wants more. You may get it, you may not. But that’s no different to dating. And like in dating people generally don’t go screaming all their future hopes for the relationship, because at that point even they can’t be assured that their own feelings will last - they just let it happen.

Of course I understand the woman who wants more may have some complicated emotions around these situations but Like I say that’s no fundamentally different to any relationship that someone wants to progress further, but hasn’t yet. It’s just not cool to come out and say these things and make everything weird though. That will just ruin things, it’s really more the etiquette to wait for the man to decide, or else to leave the situation.

But this is the way it’s done, there isn’t some alternate world where men are going around courting and such, I’d bet more than half of couples start this way.

What really gets me here about the guys posting is that they think they're so damned clever.

No truly wise guy has fwb's: they know it's a minefield that could bite them on the bottom later.
Better to have one-night stands, date women they're emotionally attracted to, and maybe have platonic female friends.

Yet here they are mansplaing and kindly sharing their wisdom about how women should feel about being a fwb.

Well here it is: IF a woman is emotionally into a guy being his fwb sucks. And the suckery never goes away even if she is lucky enough to clean his golf clubs. Lol.

@wellhelloitsme

Except I do respect her and always did, even when she was a FWB type I had no specific plans arranged for her.
And I appreciate all she does for me so she’s worth bragging about - what would you have me do? Run her down for being a former FWB and trash everything she does?

@Kertrats But... but... I think you're missing the point. Apparently, ''it’s really more the etiquette to wait for the man to decide, or else to leave the situation''.

The men on here just haven't worked out that the women who follow the 'etiquette' are the ones with low self-esteem. Or perhaps, more likely, they do know and they are happy with that because they aren't themselves capable of a genuine, mature, equal relationship. I mean, being made food and having things cleaned for him were literally the first two examples Weener gave of his fantastic relationship. As I said in a post earlier, some women just get desperate.

Ok I've changed my mind. Someone polishing your golf clubs and making you bread is not something to brag about! The fact that you are proud of that is shocking. It's incredibly disrespectful and dehumanising. "My woman services me like a true handmaid." Gtfo lol.

So she makes you bread, polishes your golf clubs and services you.

What exactly do you do for her, @LongFatWeener69 ?

@BadNomad

I don’t know what a Handmaid is but those werent the only things I said, I also said she was a true friend - they were merely an example of the kind of acts of caring from a woman who has already shown caring in a FWB situation by doing nice things (sexually) for a man she likes - point being that FWB is probably a more honest way to discover someone’s character than from someone putting on a big show when dating - then dropping the act later.

Its not disrespectful at all to be FWB for a man, the days when women were shamed for that kind of thing are over. Most people are more preogressive than that thankfully.

Its not disrespectful at all to be FWB for a man

With every post, you confirm who you are, and what you really think, more and more.

It really is all about The Man, isn’t it?

Not even a whisper of a suggestion of what’s actually in it, for the woman. Not a hint.

The woman gets to be ‘chill’, make food, clean, provide sex on tap, make zero demands and wait patiently until she might, one day, be deemed ‘girlfriend material’.

There’s a word for women like that.

@RenegadeMatron

Thats really for her to say, but obviously something or we wouldn’t be together.

However If I had to speculate, she supports what I do and I think enjoys being with someone like me, likes to be a part of it. It is true that she does most things on the domestic front and I appreciate that, however she tells me she’s more open with me than she’s ever been with anyone and I do believe I know her very very well and understand what she wants and needs psychologically, probably better than any other man has or ever could, despite what people here have said.

I would guess I’m easy to live with, treat her well, fine with parents and sisters being around whenever, actually one of her sisters lives with us - in fact I prefer it that way and don’t know why other men discourage that kind of thing, the dummies don’t seem to understand it lessens the pressure on them to do a emotional act, because their wives can satisfy some of that side of themselves with female relatives. We are compatible in lifestyle and enjoy that kind of family communal living - I could go on but you get my drift.

Perhaps your right and my fiancé will get bitter about being a FWB and dump me. I hope not but who knows? I will say (and you will lol but whatever), that she will never find another man who understands and accepts her like I do, who knows what buttons to press and when - least of all amongst the “respectful” men who do the dating show and put on a big act, only for their wives to later discover that despite them doing all the “right” and “equal” things - they don’t feel understood or heard at all by them. The reason being that guys like that have never taken the time to work out why people (in this case women), feel the things they do and how they can affect that, because they’re too busy trying to look impressive and win the hand of the girl they’re dating or something.

@LongFatWeener69

Except I do respect her and always did, even when she was a FWB type I had no specific plans arranged for her.

Mate, you have no idea how creepy and entitled you sound...

"No specific plans arranged for her" cringe / boak!

I know you don't mean to, you just don't realise it, but the way you talk about her is you talking about you. That's what's disrespectful. You see her as a true friend because of what she does for YOU, how she makes YOU feel. Nothing about her as a person. As an individual. Only about you. "FWB for a man." That's not what it was. You were her FWB. She was your FWB. She wasn't being a FWB FOR you. Can you see the difference? You're seeing everything about her in relation to her positive impact on you and declaring those to be her good qualities.

Its not disrespectful at all to be FWB for a man

How telling. Shouldn't that be FWB with a man? Not FWB "for" a man.

@wellhelloitsme

Actyally I do know how that would sound to a lot of women here, but I’m just keeping it real on here, why not tell the truth?

@LongFatWeener69
God you're being dense here.

IF a woman is really into you and you're the guy choosing to do the fwb thing you're not seeing any honesty at all!

For she is hiding her feelings from you.

I've met clever guys like you.
Seen relationships that started off as fwb's (because that's what the guy initially wanted) develop into 'relationships' (usually because the guy wanted somewhere to live) turn very, very nasty when it ended.
I mean turning the children against the father etc.

Do you think women are stupid? Do you not think that we may-just may-not ask ourselves what's changed to make us relationship material all of a sudden?

Hell hath no fury as a woman scorned and being fwb with a woman when she is really into you is scorning her by default.
No scrap that, that is sexist. Hell hath no fury as people scorned.

We want to be liked for who we are, not what we provide. Just like men don't want to be wanted for themselves.

@BadNomad
Well I’m hardly going to list everything about her and go into too much personal detail about her interests and hobbies as that’s somewhat irrelevant to the topic. What do you want me to say? She’s lazy and sweet and sleeps in with our dog and likes scary movies? What’s that got to do with FWB?

She’s lazy

Is that a typo?

You just said she makes you bread and services, sorry, cleans your golf clubs, and does everything on the domestic front.

Same thing happened with me OP.

He would tell me how much he liked me, how we’d be “so good together” and that he wanted to start seeing me “properly” (whatever the fuck that means😂)

They tell us what we want to hear. To reel us in. A lot of the time I think they do it without even realising. Then when we completely fall for them and tell them the same thing, they freak out and say “Oh Im not ready for a relationship right now”. Then go cold. Ghost us. Leaving us feeling used, worthless. It really is horrible.

Hope you’re keeping okay!💐
& remember you are worth so much more than just a “late night shag”. These men are just too emotionally immature and emotionally unavailable.

Because you chose golf clubs and bread as the examples to use of why she's amazing. Out of all her good qualities, you chose ones that service you because that's what you value in a woman. The things she does for you.

Anyway, OP.

If you’re prepare to put your own wants and feelings completely aside, you may, if you’re especially unfortunate, end up with a specimen like Weener.

He’s actually spelling out, in glorious technicolor, what life is like for the woman who patiently wait for the dude.

Not very appealing is it?

Your choice, though. And that’s the point. Unlike Weener, we will actually encourage you to see that this is your choice, and you do have a say in it.

So just to recap, I said you sound creepy and entitled.

You say you know you sound like that.

And that you're 'keeping it real' and telling 'the truth'.

So you are creepy and entitled?

Thanks for confirming.

Op, I know your thread has derailed somewhat but, fuck me, I hope you are reading and learning here. Because this is the kind of shit that really goes on the head of THESE kinds of men.

I can sit back and enjoy his posts increasingly revealing him as the misogynist that he is because I'm older. I've learned what and who is acceptable to have in my life. You are in the learning process and I hope Fat Weener has opened your eyes a little.

@Kertrats

She doesn’t need to wonder what has changed - I’ve told her I always liked her but didn’t think it would work because of my life - but the more time I spent with her the more I knew I had to try and she made me realise we were compatible.

You really nailed it with that last line about men though, though I suspect a typo. If not your wiser than I credited you.

If a man asks me to polish his golf clubs, I’m twatting him round the head with it.