To think of you’re slim and pretty you’ll never “get it”?

[drivetosurvive]

Just to preface by saying I know we all have hang ups and insecurities- especially now with social media and filters etc

I have two close friends. One always asks me what I’m going to wear when we meet up. I hate my body and I’ve gained a lot of weight (size 14 now 20/22 so never been slim) I rarely buy clothes and just wear whet I fit into that day. I’ve been so blunt as to say “I’m fat so whatever I can find that I don’t hate” when I got fed up of that question … yet she still asks even now.

Other friend is very pretty, she gets a lot of attention and always has. I don’t want to date right now due to feeling very down about my looks and weight and she says “well men should like you for you” … which the sentiment is true but I don’t like me for me so why should a man? And it’s not easy to put yourself out there and she’s gorgeous so she’s never really had an issue of men not finding her attractive.

Aibu to think that both of them are slim and pretty and therefore having experienced what I’m going through?

YABU because it’s about perception of yourself, not how you actually look. And you can be slim and pretty and still feel you look horrible, or heavier and feel gorgeous.

im sorry you feel rubbish about yourself just now. But it sounds like your friends love you and want you to feel good about yourself.

You sound like you’ve got a chip on your shoulder. If you’re that unhappy you need to do something about it. It’s down to you ultimately

Sounds actually like she's insecure and doesn't want to get the dress code wrong.a simple dress/ jeans and a top/ trainers/ heels blah blah blah is all she's after

I think anyone can have body hangups but there’s an additional practical dimension of a significant change in weight or shape whether going bigger or smaller. Might be harder to know what fits, have fewer clothes to choose from and can’t afford new of everything.

I used to have a friend who constantly wanted to go shopping and didn’t seem to get that I had no interest in walking around clothes shops for hours when none of them sold anything in my size.

I don't understand...they may "not have experienced what you're going through" but it sounds like they are making genuine conversation and being kind and supportive? Why do you have beef with them over that?

If you want to change how you look and feel about yourself, then do something about it. You are the only one with the power. I appreciate that it's not easy, particularly if it is affecting your mental health, but choosing to be annoyed at your attractive friends over this really isn't the answer.

Well, you’re right in way. It is hard to understand a view point when your own experience is different.
But, as you’ve said everyone has their own issues and insecurities. Being ‘slim and pretty’ doesn’t automatically make you confident and comfortable in your own skin. I’ve always been skinny and ok looking. I was still fairly insecure about myself until I hit my late 30’s. Now I just care less. I would always ask what others were wearing before a night out as I didn’t trust my own judgment and wanted to fit in.
Your friends haven’t experienced what your going through, they’ve gone through their own stuff instead.
Your problem is not about them, it’s about your own self- dislike. Start thinking about what small things you can change so you can see yourself in a more positive way.

Men are like flies on shit round women they deem fuckable, yes.

But that has nothing to do with your likelihood of building a meaningful relationship with somebody. Don't mix them up.

Having been used as a trophy girlfriend by a man who then dumped me and married a woman who was not what you would describe as conventionally slim and pretty, I don't think its as simple as you think. Men are all very different, and are attracted to different things. There are an awful lot of losers out there whom you have to avoid attracting. We really only need one special person in our life, not lots of different ones to validate our supposed attractiveness.

What do you want them to actually do about it? Get fat?

You do you. If you are not happy with your body, only you can decide to do something about it, the size of your friends or however much they ‘empathise’ with you is of no bearing and makes no difference

Oh OP. Trust me, your slim, pretty friends may be objectively gorgeous but they may feel hopelessly insecure. I have a very beautiful friend who genuinely only sees flaws and talks herself down. You need to work on your self esteem, I'm a pot and kettle here because I massively lack confidence myself but being a size 20 doesn't mean you're less worthy or indeed less attractive. Plenty of men love bigger women.

They won’t get your specific experience no, but I agree with others about your low self esteem being part of your feelings here.

I’m ordinary-looking and geeky to a sister who is devastatingly gorgeous and I wouldn’t swap faces for anything. My relationships have always been about liking each other and mutual respect. Every one of her partners except her current one has fallen for her hard and then hit her when she turned out to be a whole human being with her own ideas rather than a status-boosting accessory/passive penis-sheath for them.

You need to happy in your own skin. Whatever weight that is.doesn’t sound like you are. That’s not your friends problem, they think you are, andlove you for you.. being slim doesn’t solve all problems, although it helps with fashion. Don’t focus on others. What do you want, how do you want to look. That’s your goal

No-one has been through what anyone else has been through. Many have been through something similar, but it’s never quite the same.

You are clearly very unhappy with your weight, and hopefully understand about calories, nutrition, exercise etc, so do you know what’s leading to the weight issues?

YABU everyone has hang ups and insecurities. They haven’t experienced the hurt over those specific comments but they’ll have felt hurt at other comments, probably comments you’ve made innocently enough not realising it’s an issue.

I’m fat and the fact that you’re fat doesn’t mean you’re unlovable. You can say that you’re struggling with how you look and feel at the moment but it sounds like you’re stuck in a cycle of constant digs at yourself and that isn’t good for anyone.

I think you're conflating those who haven't struggled with their body image and those who have. Just because someone is slim and what people would consider conventionally attractive, it doesn't mean that they don't have hang ups. People just don't talk about it often. It does sound though like your weight is a big factor for you, guessing you've tried to lose weight but perhaps its worth trying to address the underlying issues?

I was slim and maybe a bit pretty (from a distance if you squint) but really insecure and wanted a ‘woman’s’ body.

Now I’m not slim, look my age and I’m still not confident or happy with how I look.

These women aren’t your enemy, you are. Don’t blame them for your own insecurities and don’t call them close friends and then speak badly of them.

Yes. I want them to be fat.

Or I’d just not like to be questioned about what I’m going to wear. I actually feel like cancelling social plans at times because I have nothing to wear. We don’t go to places that require a dress code to be checked beforehand. Dressing in a size 8/10 is different to a size 22. It just is. And having never been “bigger” person she would never understand.

What bad things did I say about them?

The issue is that you don’t like yourself though. Your friends are really just making normal conversation and it sounds like you’re taking it as an offence of some sort.

In all honesty I think most people are pleasant looking. I rarely see someone really truly ugly. Just a lot of people think poorly of themselves. I will be honest, I have little patience for people constantly moaning about things like being overweight. It’s not anyone else’s fault - if you’re not happy you can look to try to change rather than complaining that your friends done ‘get it’ because they asked what you’re wearing on a day out.

Did I not literally say right at the very start?

If you’ve never been overweight then you can’t understand what it’s like.

if you’ve always been conventionally pretty then you can’t understand what it’s like to be plain/ugly.

it doesn’t negate their securities but I don’t think they can ever really understand from an empathising viewpoint.

Well no she won't understand what it's like to be a size 22 if she's never been one.

Have you told her that that question makes you uncomfortable and asked her to stop? Doesn't read like it in your OP.

My mate used to always tell me I was too pretty to understand real people's problems. Thing is, she never knew what it was like to deal with crohn's disease, bulimia and crippling anxiety in the way I did. She said I was pretty and some days I hated how I looked so much I would self harm and isolate myself from people or I turned to alcohol so my perceived confidence was actually hiding a drinking problem. It's about perception.

Male sexual attention is very over-rated and I've known plenty of beautiful women with all sorts of insecurities.
Try not to superficially compare yourself to other women, you have no idea of their internal struggles.

I think YABU and really unfair on your friends.

It doesn't matter whether they understand what it's like to be fat. They are treating you like they would anyone else.

You sound bitter and jealous. Your weight is YOUR issue, no one else needs to top toe around you, if you are not happy then fix it

God who needs enemies with friends like you!

fwiw my size 20 friend is wayyyy prettier than my skinny size 10 ass, dresses a million times better and radiates confidence.

you sounds so bitter and mean. It is literally not their fault

And conversely you don't know what it's like to be those things. You can support other people without having walked in their shoes, you're making assumptions on how they should feel as they are with you. Unless you address what's making you so full of self pity though I expect they'll get bored of you batting away their attempts to make you feel better, it'll be nothing to do with your weight though.