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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think of you’re slim and pretty you’ll never “get it”?

295 replies

drivetosurvive · 28/05/2022 21:09

Just to preface by saying I know we all have hang ups and insecurities- especially now with social media and filters etc

I have two close friends. One always asks me what I’m going to wear when we meet up. I hate my body and I’ve gained a lot of weight (size 14 now 20/22 so never been slim) I rarely buy clothes and just wear whet I fit into that day. I’ve been so blunt as to say “I’m fat so whatever I can find that I don’t hate” when I got fed up of that question … yet she still asks even now.

Other friend is very pretty, she gets a lot of attention and always has. I don’t want to date right now due to feeling very down about my looks and weight and she says “well men should like you for you” … which the sentiment is true but I don’t like me for me so why should a man? And it’s not easy to put yourself out there and she’s gorgeous so she’s never really had an issue of men not finding her attractive.

Aibu to think that both of them are slim and pretty and therefore having experienced what I’m going through?

OP posts:
Antarcticant · 28/05/2022 22:48

I agree, other than to say thin does not equal pretty.

I've been fat and ugly and I've been thin and ugly. Weight makes no difference if your face is ugly.

IvorCutler · 28/05/2022 22:48

This isn’t a “Samantha Brick” thread for people to brag.

huh?

Original poster
drivetosurvive · 28/05/2022 22:50

Cyberworrier · 28/05/2022 22:45

It's a hard one. I've spent most of my life as a size 8-10 and called conventionally pretty. But I've only ever had pretty unhealthy relationships, including an extremely abusive one, and have also had my own issues with mental health and various things.

I guess I would say that just because someone is slim and conventionally pretty, it doesn't mean everything is great? Equally I know it's hard to know how it is to be in another persons shoes. But I have several friends who are gorgeous and in loving stable relationships, who aren't slim, and I envy their healthy relationships and general well being! I guess it's just the grass isn't always greener.

Also, men can be idiots and it's hard for us as women to understand why they make such poor decisions. Sounds like your friends know how wonderful you are OP and are rooting for you. Wishing you all the best.

I don’t think you understand the OP though. It’s not about relationships and I don’t for one second believe if you’re thin then you’ll meet Prince Charming and live happily ever after. And if you’re overweight you’re doomed to be single for ever.

I’m talking about overweight and confidence.

OP posts:
pixie5121 · 28/05/2022 22:50

ugifletzet · 28/05/2022 22:35

If you could wave a magic wand and get the exact same looks and body size as your size 20 friend, would you do it? Honestly? I doubt it.

I'm slim and I've struggled with anorexia in the past (been hospitalized twice) so I'm no stranger to body image issues, but I know that being a visibly overweight woman is another kind of difficult. There's a stigma associated with being fat - you're just lazy, you could do something about it if you really wanted, you must be greedy, etc. Everyone knows it, and no one wants to be on the receiving end.

Show quote history

But so what?

It's not the worst possible thing anyone can face in life. People have all sorts of problems. And unlike most disabilities, weight often is something you can control, at least to an extent. I'm aware some people are on meds that cause weight gain or are naturally predisposed to put on weight, but the majority of people are able to lose weight.

I have an acquaintance who has the odd dig at me for being slim and fit and I find it so mean spirited. I have numerous health issues, physical and mental, and the gym really helps me. She moans about being fat but does no exercise at all and eats enormous portions and lots of junk. I go to the gym 4 x per week, even if I wake up feeling like it's the last thing I want to do, walk into work at least once a week (1.5 hour walk) and eat very modest portions and lots of salads etc. She seems to have convinced herself I'm just lucky.

Being bitter and mean is really unattractive.

Afterfire · 28/05/2022 22:50

SettingsO · 28/05/2022 22:45

There’s an awful lot of bollocks on this thread: people saying they or their fat friends are super attractive at size 20 ish; and loads of men love bigger women; and all thin women are super insecure, or jealous of curves.

Most women look better at size 10/12, unless super tall, and most men find thinner women attractive.

Trying to tell the OP otherwise just seems like well intentioned gaslighting to me.

I used to think exactly like this but actually it’s you that’s wrong here. You’ve been brainwashed to think women at size 20 etc can’t be sexy / attractive etc. There’s a whole different argument to be hard about the health aspect - and even that’s not clear cut- but in terms of attractiveness it really isn’t as straightforward as you think it is, and it’s certainly not gaslighting to suggest that.

Fidodidit · 28/05/2022 22:50

I’m slim and averagely attractive but I started developing varicose veins when I was 16 and have a chronic skin disease. I feel ok about myself though. I’m nearly 50 now
and am just glad am healthy.

StaunchMomma · 28/05/2022 22:53

The truth is all this body positivity/love yourself crap does not extend to men and most of them wouldn't touch a big girl with a barge, never mind the pole. It's the reality we live in and it extends to everyone, every day. People snear at fat people on the street so why the feck would we walk around like we look amazing?!

It's so patronising when thin, attractive friends push you to talk about clothes etc, knowing that you'll make a comment about looking like shit and they're all 'You look lovely, what are you on about?' when you know damn well that they'd be absolutely mortified to look like you as they starve themselves at the slightest hint of a belly or their size 8 jeans get a bit tight!

I'm 100% with you, OP. It's annoying and they absolutely do not get it!!

Original poster
drivetosurvive · 28/05/2022 22:53

ArcheryAnnie · 28/05/2022 22:47

This, really. For all of you who have posted "my larger friend is way more attractive than thin me" stories, ugifletzet is right, and unless you have an ED it's entirely possible you all, too, could be a size 22 with not much effort. But you don't. Because - with a few exceptions - there is too often real societal contempt directed towards fat people, and particularly fat women. And we all know it.

That said, OP - your friends clearly do care about you. I think you need to be much more direct in saying that talking about what you are wearing really stresses you out, and you'd much rather she didn't ask you that.

Show quote history

I do agree, it’s just hard to word it because it guess it is an innocent question… but it proper triggers a bad reaction for me.

I’ve just had some not so nice comments said to me before about my weight or what I wear by quite a few people throughout my life.

OP posts:
mrina · 28/05/2022 22:56

Could you join weight watchers and find others who have similar concerns? Although I think your friends sound genuine. Men like all sorts of women, including fat women.

pixie5121 · 28/05/2022 22:57

Afterfire · 28/05/2022 22:50

I used to think exactly like this but actually it’s you that’s wrong here. You’ve been brainwashed to think women at size 20 etc can’t be sexy / attractive etc. There’s a whole different argument to be hard about the health aspect - and even that’s not clear cut- but in terms of attractiveness it really isn’t as straightforward as you think it is, and it’s certainly not gaslighting to suggest that.

Show quote history

Agreed. I have a friend who is a size 18ish and men fucking love her. They genuinely do. She has had way more success than me in dating, and seems to fall into relationships with nice men easily.

She's very confident, very bubbly and outgoing. Dresses in whatever she wants, including miniskirts and short shorts.

I think plenty of men are attracted to bigger women.

Smartiepants79 · 28/05/2022 23:01

SettingsO · 28/05/2022 22:45

There’s an awful lot of bollocks on this thread: people saying they or their fat friends are super attractive at size 20 ish; and loads of men love bigger women; and all thin women are super insecure, or jealous of curves.

Most women look better at size 10/12, unless super tall, and most men find thinner women attractive.

Trying to tell the OP otherwise just seems like well intentioned gaslighting to me.

So the people who are sharing their experiences are lying? Because their experience is different to yours?
Just because it’s not how you see the world doesn’t make it bollocks.

WhiskerPatrol · 28/05/2022 23:02

Really, if you're unhappy being fat, do something about it - but your friends sound weirdly image-conscious. Who the hell plans what they're going to wear on a dog walk, let alone cares what anyone else is going to wear? Maybe you need to spend time with less superficial people.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 28/05/2022 23:04

Yanbu.
I say that as someone who has always been slim and attractive, not boasting.

My friend had a gastric sleeve after she lost a lot of weight she surprised me by describing how difficult she found a night out, stressed finding anything to wear the panic.

Your friend is trying to make you feel better. There are shallow people out there however I'd bet your friend genuinely thinks that you're lovely.

I know lots of women who are overweight and very attractive.

HardTimesHarder · 28/05/2022 23:08

I’m autistic so constantly ask people what they’re wearing. It’s because I’m anxious.

the first friend may just be nervous

lioncitygirl · 28/05/2022 23:10

Nah - I’ve been big, and I’ve been small - so I understand. This is chip on YOUR shoulder - nothing to do with your friends. Sorry Op. If you’re unhappy being bigger - you can do something about that. Maybe your friend is asking what you’re wearing because she doesn’t actually care/see there is an issue with your weight.

Cyberworrier · 28/05/2022 23:11

Quite possibly OP. I was being inarticulate and waffly but I was trying to say size might not always equate confidence, although I know it's very individual. It has been pointed out as a cliche by PP to boast of beautiful larger confident friends, but I do think it's important to acknowledge them. I also know they've had their struggles with self image in the past. In my group of friends, mental health and relationships have been rollercoasters for a lot of us. Dysmorphia has been a problem for several of my female friends, of various shapes and sizes, and it's manifested in different ways. Also, sexual harassment due to body shape has been an issue for friends- particularly more curvy friends I think actually. Thank you for opening up the conversation and sharing your experiences.

Thatswhyimacat · 28/05/2022 23:11

You could say this about anything though. I'm slim and considered attractive, but I've spent the vast majority of my life in deep depression and OCD anxiety thinking how noone understood what it was like to lose their mum young and how those making casual conversation about mum stuff would just never get it and had life so easy for stuff that was so hard for me. The problem was ME, not them. If you feel bad, don't wish for others to have to feel what you do - be grateful they have no idea. Lift up yourself and others for who you all are, rather than focusing on what you aren't or don't have.

toolatetoloseweight · 28/05/2022 23:11

I think I understand what you mean. I feel like my weight permeates every aspect of what I do that many other insecurities simply wouldn't. The absolute dread of looking in the wardrobe to find something that fits, feeling that every one who see you will think certain things about you because of your size... However, as many have pointed out this isn't by any stretch the case for everyone who is overweight.

Having said that, it sounds like your friends don't realise how this affects you (how could they?) I don't think they are trying to upset you, and the fact they are asking you as if it wasn't an issue suggests that they do not see as unattractive as you perceive yourself. You may need to simply ask them to stop asking you, and explain that it is something you are finding very difficult and do not want to discuss.

StolenCookie · 28/05/2022 23:13

I think some people here are giving you a very hard time. I don’t think YABU at all. The friend asking you about clothes is just being oblivious at best, and the friend saying a man should like you for you is living in a fantasy world or just saying what sounds kinder. I think you’re completely right and people who fit the standard of beauty can’t know the small and big ways life is different for people who don’t. I don’t think your friends are being deliberately malicious but I think your feelings of being fed up are valid.

Original poster
drivetosurvive · 28/05/2022 23:14

HardTimesHarder · 28/05/2022 23:08

I’m autistic so constantly ask people what they’re wearing. It’s because I’m anxious.

the first friend may just be nervous

She’s not autistic and definitely not nervous.

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock1 · 28/05/2022 23:17

Let her know it bothers you.

mellicauli · 28/05/2022 23:19

Your friends sound really nice. It’s not their fault you’re miserable. The best thing to do is just fake being happy until one day you realise you forgot you were faking it and actually are genuinely happy. And genuinely happy is attractive in every size. I too was once size14, now 20/22. But happy nonetheless.

Original poster
drivetosurvive · 28/05/2022 23:20

StolenCookie · 28/05/2022 23:13

I think some people here are giving you a very hard time. I don’t think YABU at all. The friend asking you about clothes is just being oblivious at best, and the friend saying a man should like you for you is living in a fantasy world or just saying what sounds kinder. I think you’re completely right and people who fit the standard of beauty can’t know the small and big ways life is different for people who don’t. I don’t think your friends are being deliberately malicious but I think your feelings of being fed up are valid.

Thanks very much - summed it up immensely better then I ever could.

Like I said in my OP the constant “what are you wearing” got to the point that I just snapped and said “Jenny I’m fat, I have no idea what I’m going to wear, just whatever I can find that fits.” Paraphrasing a little.

I actually remember admitting to her that I almost didn’t go to a bbq she hosted because I felt so disgusting and couldn’t find anything to wear. I got into such a panic as I ordered new clothes that didn’t end up fitting or were cropped!

Yet she still asks that question … I don’t think it’s malicious but very inconsiderate.

OP posts:
Jengnr · 28/05/2022 23:20

Because Mumsnet hates overweight people and they aren’t allowed feelings or experiences.

OP, YANBU. She has absolutely no idea. It’s shit.

SlightlyGeordieJohn · 28/05/2022 23:22

Jengnr · 28/05/2022 23:20

Because Mumsnet hates overweight people and they aren’t allowed feelings or experiences.

OP, YANBU. She has absolutely no idea. It’s shit.

Then why not stop?