To think of you’re slim and pretty you’ll never “get it”?

[drivetosurvive]

Just to preface by saying I know we all have hang ups and insecurities- especially now with social media and filters etc

I have two close friends. One always asks me what I’m going to wear when we meet up. I hate my body and I’ve gained a lot of weight (size 14 now 20/22 so never been slim) I rarely buy clothes and just wear whet I fit into that day. I’ve been so blunt as to say “I’m fat so whatever I can find that I don’t hate” when I got fed up of that question … yet she still asks even now.

Other friend is very pretty, she gets a lot of attention and always has. I don’t want to date right now due to feeling very down about my looks and weight and she says “well men should like you for you” … which the sentiment is true but I don’t like me for me so why should a man? And it’s not easy to put yourself out there and she’s gorgeous so she’s never really had an issue of men not finding her attractive.

Aibu to think that both of them are slim and pretty and therefore having experienced what I’m going through?

I'm slim and conventionally attractive and I'd say it actually makes it harder to find genuine partners. I find that a lot of men don't approach me because they assume I'm taken or wouldn't be interested. I've had so, so many men say "Oh, I really liked you back in the day but didn't think you liked me back" and it's gut wrenching to hear over and over again. I spent my twenties and early thirties feeling like I had no options. Ended up staying in a horrible relationship way too long partly because I thought nobody else would be interested. There's also the assumption that if you're slim and pretty you must be thick. It has taken me years to be taken seriously at work.

I look at women I know who are much less conventionally attractive and significantly overweight and many of them are in happy relationships. They may not get as much attention but they seem to attract men who like them for who they are.

I think you're placing way too much value on superficial things like weight and come across as having a bit of a victim complex. It's not your friends' fault you're fat and I don't think it's reasonable to expect them not to talk about clothes with you because you dislike your body. Especially if you haven't explicitly told them this!

A little U. I've seen both sides of this problem. Aged 18 I was chubby - size 16 but I'm short; frizzy hair; and felt shit about myself - no-one was interested. I felt like the ugly duckling. Aged 40, I'm a size 8 and have grown into my frizzy red hair. I feel great about myself but most men are only interested in me for sex. I had one guy that seemed nice, say to me "I just wanted to know what it would be like to have sex with someone that looked like you". In a nutshell, men can be shallow fuckers and will mess with your head whether you're fat or thin. It's worth not basing your opinion of yourself on how much male attention you get or how you look.

This is true as well. I have a friend who is like this - will always talk about how she’s too big etc. But what am I supposed to say? It’s awkward and tiresome. Obviously I could say ‘yes, you are a bit too fat, aren’t you? Maybe you could stop eating so much and try a healthier diet and plenty of exercise.’ But of course I would never say that because it’s entirely inappropriate. So I do the ‘well anyone will like you for just you, it doesn’t matter blah blah.’ What else can you say?

I think it’s sad you feel so down about yourself and your size.

I think it’s a bit rude to snap back at your friend when she asks what you’re wearing. Just because you’re a size ++ doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy clothes and your friend is just trying to be nice!

I am a size 20 after always having been a size 8-12 most of my life. Due to several life changing conditions and daily long term steroids I’ve piled on the pounds but I’m not going to bitter about it, I’m alive and have a body that mostly works so I’m happy with that and I’m really not going to waste my life not enjoying stuff like fashion and make up etc because I’m fatter than I want to be.

I started to follow some plus sized women who are really positive about their size on Instagram and it’s encouraged me to see myself differently. I even tried on a bikini today and actually thought I looked okay and I never thought I’d ever think that about myself at size 20 - but then I remember being a size 8 and thinking I had wobbly thighs, or horrible boobs or whatever. Everyone has things they don’t like about themselves whatever size they are!

If you're simply stating that someone that's never been fat and/or unattractive doesn't know what that feels like, well yes you're right.

It sounds like you have good friends there. They clearly see you as you are and see no reason why you shouldn't take an interest in clothes or dating.

Don't let your own self-loathing drive them away.

Not sure why you're getting so much argument on here OP. To me your point is so obvious it barely warrants making. Of course these things are much easier for slim and pretty women. Much easier to look good, much wider pool of men to choose from, and generally much better treatment from men.
If yoir friends have always been slim and pretty they may not know that other women's experiences can be different. Though id be surprised if they were that naive. Could you tell them how it makes you feel and that it would help not to be asked about clothes?

Nope. I’m saying if you’ve never been overweight you have zero concept of what it’s like.

That's true, but it's also true of everything. Other people can empathise to a certain extent, but nobody knows exactly what it's like to experience any problem or hang-up that they don't personally have experience of. That's not specific to weight. At least being overweight is a problem you can do something about.

Presumably your friend asks about your outfits because she quite rightly thinks why shouldn't a woman be interested in clothes and want to wear nice things regardless of what she weighs.

You are putting the blame on to your friends, it seems very reasonable to ask you what you are wearing wether you are a size 8, 10 24 whatever! I’ve been in your position overweight but I’ve worked bloody hard to get it off, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, if you aren’t happy with yourself then do something about it! Stop blaming your friends for your unhappiness!

My size 18 friend is the most fashionable person I know. She’s gained a little weight since her first baby and she still looks amazing when we go out. I get much of my outfit and makeup inspiration and tips from her. She’s also the first one in our group to ask what we are all wearing - it’s just part of the fun of going out, deciding what to wear.

I don’t think your friends see such a standard question as something that could cause insecurity-. It would be worse if they didn’t want to involve you in that conversation solely because of your weight.

Agree agree agree

Pretty women live in a different world....

If you could wave a magic wand and get the exact same looks and body size as your size 20 friend, would you do it? Honestly? I doubt it.

I'm slim and I've struggled with anorexia in the past (been hospitalized twice) so I'm no stranger to body image issues, but I know that being a visibly overweight woman is another kind of difficult. There's a stigma associated with being fat - you're just lazy, you could do something about it if you really wanted, you must be greedy, etc. Everyone knows it, and no one wants to be on the receiving end.

I’m overweight and have always been plain. Always feel like the ugly duckling in a group. I do get where you’re coming from but your replies on this thread seem so sharp! Your tone feels really aggressive even though you’re the one who asked the question; you seem to just want people to agree with you rather than discussing it. I think your lack of confidence and negative body image is making you overreact to normal comments from your friends. FWIW, I think you can ‘get it’ even if you haven’t been in the same shoes. They’re just trying to support you but you’re in such a bad place that you’re not open to receiving it.

You’re definitely being unreasonable. You have no idea what insecurities people are going through regardless of their perceived size and attractiveness. I’m currently a size 12-14, used to be a size 6-8. I’ve always been considered ‘pretty’ (not by myself). I’ve been plagued by insecurities since my teens and it doesn’t matter what people say to me, I’ve always felt ugly and fat. No one has ever complimented me on anything other than looks and I hate it. I don’t think I look good so others opinions mean nothing, they just make me feel anxious.

I disagree OP. I was a size 8/10 in my 20s and 30s and had lots of male attention but I was hopelessly insecure. I attracted the wrong type of men and had low self esteem. I never felt good about my body.

I'm a lot fatter now and never attract male attention but I have good self esteem and I am happier with who I am.

Your friend may seem 'perfect' but that is not to say she will have a better life than you. Believe in yourself, just because you are a size 20 doesn't mean you can't buy nice clothes and take good care of yourself.

YABVU - I’m a size 6/8, I get compliments and told I’m pretty.

I feel lumpy, untoned and ugly, I have a big nose, I have stretch marks, I have a wobbly tummy from children, I have large thighs that jiggly and have no tone whatsoever, I have wobbly skin on my upper arms, I have a big bum that’s too squishy. I have tiny boobs and nothing ever fits properly.

I absolutely hate every part of my body!

Just because a person may be thin it doesn’t mean they are suffering from extreme insecurities.

Well we can establish that your weight issues are now affecting your friendships too

so op
what are you going to do about it?

not criticism - I’m a size 16 myself - but really - you could solve it all by losing the excess

Just to point out I don’t base my value on what men think of me.

My point is that if I don’t like myself/how I look then I wouldn’t expect a man too. Or if I were gay I wouldn’t expect a woman to like me. Because I want to feel good in myself for me and not rely on external validation.

Having confidence is what’s attractive and I’m a 0 on that scale and it’s ruined a couple of relationships.

This isn’t a “Samantha Brick” thread for people to brag. I mentioned my friend being pretty as in if she were single it wouldn’t be as hard to put herself out there on the dating scene where looks are the first thing anyone would notice. So as someone who’s pretty and in a relationship to tell me to put myself out there when I’m not confident enough to.

It’s actually the question is asked for every occasion. Meeting up for a dog walk, meeting for a coffee, going to an ice hockey match, a bbq. It’s a question that is relentlessly asked. And when you’re already dreading finding something to wear it gets tedious.

Unless you’re turning up to Nobu in a bin bag, or go dog walking in a ball gown and your friend is attempting to give you unsubtle hints, that’s pretty strange behaviour from her. Going forward you could ignore any texts asking that and if she asks you on the phone say “clothes” and leave it at that. She’ll get the message eventually.

aren’t*

There’s an awful lot of bollocks on this thread: people saying they or their fat friends are super attractive at size 20 ish; and loads of men love bigger women; and all thin women are super insecure, or jealous of curves.

Most women look better at size 10/12, unless super tall, and most men find thinner women attractive.

Trying to tell the OP otherwise just seems like well intentioned gaslighting to me.

I’m just stuck. Bad breakup, depression kicked back in, lock down. Eat to feel happy and feel sad because I’m overweight.

I have a good life .. good and close family, a new job with prospects, own a house and car and have good friends. I’m just miserable inside because of how I perceive myself.

This question bothers the heck out of me but for different reasons as I’m a size 8.

it’s the anxiety and need to be dressed similarly to your friends that makes me just eye roll when I see it on my screen.

Rules for dealing with such irritating questions:

1. ignore, don’t text back, do you always need to answer every single text especially when you’re going to see them the same day?
2. Answer sarcastically. when you’re planning to go on a dog walk and your friend asks you what you’re wearing, tell her you bought a wedding dress in the sale and you’re planning on trying it out today.

in all honestly though, just tell your friend that you struggle to find things to wear at the best of times so you find it difficult to answer that question. Keep it lighthearted and be glad you have supportive friends.

It's a hard one. I've spent most of my life as a size 8-10 and called conventionally pretty. But I've only ever had pretty unhealthy relationships, including an extremely abusive one, and have also had my own issues with mental health and various things.

I guess I would say that just because someone is slim and conventionally pretty, it doesn't mean everything is great? Equally I know it's hard to know how it is to be in another persons shoes. But I have several friends who are gorgeous and in loving stable relationships, who aren't slim, and I envy their healthy relationships and general well being! I guess it's just the grass isn't always greener.

Also, men can be idiots and it's hard for us as women to understand why they make such poor decisions. Sounds like your friends know how wonderful you are OP and are rooting for you. Wishing you all the best.

How do you mean unsubtle hints? Far too subtle for me to understand 🤣 so I’m interested in your take.

This, really. For all of you who have posted "my larger friend is way more attractive than thin me" stories, ugifletzet is right, and unless you have an ED it's entirely possible you all, too, could be a size 22 with not much effort. But you don't. Because - with a few exceptions - there is too often real societal contempt directed towards fat people, and particularly fat women. And we all know it.

That said, OP - your friends clearly do care about you. I think you need to be much more direct in saying that talking about what you are wearing really stresses you out, and you'd much rather she didn't ask you that.