To think of you’re slim and pretty you’ll never “get it”?

[drivetosurvive]

Just to preface by saying I know we all have hang ups and insecurities- especially now with social media and filters etc

I have two close friends. One always asks me what I’m going to wear when we meet up. I hate my body and I’ve gained a lot of weight (size 14 now 20/22 so never been slim) I rarely buy clothes and just wear whet I fit into that day. I’ve been so blunt as to say “I’m fat so whatever I can find that I don’t hate” when I got fed up of that question … yet she still asks even now.

Other friend is very pretty, she gets a lot of attention and always has. I don’t want to date right now due to feeling very down about my looks and weight and she says “well men should like you for you” … which the sentiment is true but I don’t like me for me so why should a man? And it’s not easy to put yourself out there and she’s gorgeous so she’s never really had an issue of men not finding her attractive.

Aibu to think that both of them are slim and pretty and therefore having experienced what I’m going through?

YAB massively U. You be slim and still have rock bottom self esteem and vice versa.

I was slim in my early 20's, baby-faced and pretty as many women are at that stage of their life. I was very fat and sweaty in my early 30's due to polycystic ovaries and thyroid failure. It didn't stop me having a boyfriend. Once that was under control, I was a skinny 40-something and slim 50-something. I have acquired some disabilities over the years, and one or two are visible. Covered in scars from multiple surgeries, some in areas you can see right away and my walk is 'off' due to brittle bone disease amongst other joys. I get more attention off men now at 50 than I ever got as that girlish 20-something. I don't put that down to my body weight, but I am told it is because I smile and come across as a friendly person. I never had trouble attracting men fat, slim, well, unwell...none of my friends have either. I have been rejected for various reasons, and so have they. You meet the right person for you, and they accept you for you. The others are irrelevant.

I’ve just had some not so nice comments said to me before about my weight or what I wear by quite a few people throughout my life.

Struggling with weight and self image really is awful OP.

But, you have to stop thinking about slimmer people, and the “conventionally” pretty people. It doesn’t matter if they “get it” or not. It won’t make you feel any better about yourself.

YOU have the power and control to change your physical and mental state. Don’t like what size you are? Lose weight. Have trouble losing weight? Seek medical and professional help. Struggle with self image? Enquire for counselling. Read self help books. Listen to podcasts. Research. Channel your energy into doing healthy things for YOU!

If if upsets you that your friends ask you what you’re wearing, then simply TELL THEM! Tell them it makes you uncomfortable. If they’re good friends, they’ll respect your wishes and stop. If they don’t respect that, then find better friends.

Weight loss isn’t easy. It isn’t an overnight thing. Same with self-esteem and confidence. It isn’t something you can build quickly. So, go easy on yourself. But seriously, the first step is to stop comparing yourself and being upset over people you deem slimmer and prettier. You may not think it but that’s how your posts are coming across.

Damn. That’s the worse advice I’ve ever heard. Could you imagine saying to an anorexic, just pretend to eat and then one day you’ll forget you’re pretending and you’ll eat.

You can’t tell someone with depression to just “pretend to be happy” - it doesn’t work that way. What you said is extremely damaging and a very dated way of thinking.

Not true. A few years ago I lost 5 stone and was a size 10, my confidence was high.

Just like money doesn’t make you happy, being slim and pretty doesn’t either

trust me.

Do you really want men to constantly harass you OP?
You actually want to be propositioned by every man you meet. You want to always be suspicious that the man is only being pleasant to you in the hopes of getting a shag?
So your friend has to deal with that, and also mistakenly took you to be an actual friend.

Stop what?

unless you have an ED it's entirely possible you all, too, could be a size 22 with not much effort

This comment overlooks the fact that there are reasons other than aesthetic ones for wanting to maintain a healthy weight. It's uncomfortable being fat at any stage of life - chub rub, chairs being too small, boob rashes and so on. Then as you age, it's increasingly tiring to lug extra weight around. On top of that there are health problems to which excess weight can predispose you.

Exactly.

Well yes but the vast majority of overweight and moreso obese people don't feel gorgeous because we are objectively less attractive than people of a healthy weight.

Being overweight. What’s the block? There’s something getting in the way of being in the shape that the OP wants to be; what is it?

Some of the chirpy posts on here are downright patronising to the OP.

Of course, all it takes is a change of mindset, attitude, a smile and then it will be like a flip of the switch. Nothing to do with the micro-put downs that OP gets in a looksist world.

Can any sane person point out where I said - aibu to want to be slim and pretty and constantly harassed by men? Because I want to be propositioned by every man I meet! I just want to be sexually harassed because it’s a lifelong dream.

Lady - you’re actually crazy. Only on MN could such an odd person exist.

Fucking hell OP. SlightlyGeordieJohn has the answer. Just stop being overweight.

Why didn’t you think of that before???

Fuck’s sake.

If you equate weight with happiness are you prepared to do something about it? I'm tiny through illness. I don't even know what size I am but 40kg and easily fit into age 12 clothes. I can't do anything about it, you can.

I’ll add this a a ’slim friend’ to more curvaceous friends.
I get the ‘ it’s ok for you/ you’re so slim/ anything would look nice on you’ comments endlessly. These are the same comments I got years ago, only now it takes me a hell of a lot to maintain these ‘lucky traits’.
I eat super well, I go without a hell of a lot of ‘food treats’ etc so I hate when people say this to be honest. I can’t do what I want, when I was younger, yes I could tho. I will prob as the years go by need to do loads more !

You’re prob doing fine, you prob look lovely, you prob have a fab non pretentious circular of friends who love you no matter what..

What I will say is that people always say I’m ‘lucky’ ‘blessed with the skinny Genes’ etc

Yet, I am not, I work hard to be how i am
and feel like a with time i have to work harder.

Also, my weight is zero reflection on my happiness. Sometimes I’m seriously fucking miserable, not matter how slim I am.

I 100% get where you're coming from. I really really do.

But honey - this is more about how you feel. You don't like yourself, and you deserve to like yourself. You deserve to buy nice clothes for your body, you deserve to feel confident and gorgeous regardless of your size.

I'm a size 20/22 and often feel the same. But I buy myself nice clothes, I treat myself because punishing myself by only buying black trousers and baggy tops is only going to make me feel worse.

Like I say, I think you're right in that no, she's probably never going to 'get it' - but it's up to you to get out of this funk and start believing in your worth.

I really wish I could give you a hug, you're getting a kicking here and you don't deserve that either.

But that’s what it is really though isn’t it? A change in mindset. If OP is really struggling with this and it is affecting their mental health it’s probably time to call the GP.

We can’t pussyfoot round people who are unhappy with themselves. They have to make that change. If they struggle with making that change then that’s where professional help comes in. It isn’t quick, and it isn’t easy but what else are they supposed to do?

Make all slim and “pretty” people unhappy with themselves so people who are overweight and not as “attractive” can have an easier life?

But that's what comes with being slim and pretty. Constant harassment. Men dating you for your looks and not actually liking that you're a real person. You don't just get to cherry pick the nice bits. You get it all.

You seem so incredibly self absorbed. The world doesn't revolve around you. If you don't like being fat, lose weight. If you can't hack your friends asking what you're wearing, then don't hang out with them anymore. Or ask them not to bring up clothes because it upsets you. Not sure what you really expect here.

It’s thin privilege and it’s definitely a thing

YANBU - I wouldn't want an inquisition about what I'm wearing every time I go out. I'm slim and don't have an issue with that I look like but what on earth is the point? I'd just say either I haven't decided yet.
And yes, the other one is being insensitive. Of course they should like you for who you are. But it's very natural to not put oneself out there when you don't feel confident about yourself. And it is entirely up to you to decide if you want to do anything about that and, if so, when you want to do anything about it.
Tell them to leave you be and stop pressurising you to do or be something that you're not ready for.

Thank you, you’re a very kind person.

I buy nice clothes that don’t fit in the hope of fitting into them. So realistically I have a very limited amount of clothes I can wear.

I do need to sort myself out because I am unhappy.

well you know what to do to make yourself feel better 🤷🏽‍♀️

Sorry in advance and trigger warnings all around but I honestly never understood what slim people aren’t supposed to get. I’m usually a size 4 and when “fat” a size 8. Most of my money came from modeling in my 20s. It’s not luck, it’s not good genes, it’s hard work. Every day of my life since I was about 15 I’ve run for an hour, swam for an hour and lifted weights for another hour. I never in my life had more than 1600 calories all in one day. What exactly don’t slim people get? You have 2 choices, either work at it or be a size you don’t like. Slim people who can eat whatever they like are just as rare as overweight people who are overweight due to health issues OP. If you don’t like your size just diet, exercise and take control of your happiness. Life is too short to hate your body and lose friends over petty jealousy.