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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think of you’re slim and pretty you’ll never “get it”?

295 replies

drivetosurvive · 28/05/2022 21:09

Just to preface by saying I know we all have hang ups and insecurities- especially now with social media and filters etc

I have two close friends. One always asks me what I’m going to wear when we meet up. I hate my body and I’ve gained a lot of weight (size 14 now 20/22 so never been slim) I rarely buy clothes and just wear whet I fit into that day. I’ve been so blunt as to say “I’m fat so whatever I can find that I don’t hate” when I got fed up of that question … yet she still asks even now.

Other friend is very pretty, she gets a lot of attention and always has. I don’t want to date right now due to feeling very down about my looks and weight and she says “well men should like you for you” … which the sentiment is true but I don’t like me for me so why should a man? And it’s not easy to put yourself out there and she’s gorgeous so she’s never really had an issue of men not finding her attractive.

Aibu to think that both of them are slim and pretty and therefore having experienced what I’m going through?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 28/05/2022 21:44

Just to preface by saying I know we all have hang ups and insecurities

But that’s all there is to it, so I can’t agree with you.

One of the most confident, beautiful women I know is around your size. She was wildly popular on online dating. She’s now a great friend because she married a long standing friend of mine, he fell in love with her pretty much on first meeting. She’s one of the best dressed women I’ve met, she sort of glides around with elegance and style, she’s amazing to look at.

My sister is equally stunning and very slim, she used to be a model, she hasn’t a clue how gorgeous she is despite the modelling and is plagued with insecurities.

Anecdotes, but so are yours.

Smartiepants79 · 28/05/2022 21:46

drivetosurvive · 28/05/2022 21:38

Did I not literally say right at the very start?

If you’ve never been overweight then you can’t understand what it’s like.

if you’ve always been conventionally pretty then you can’t understand what it’s like to be plain/ugly.

it doesn’t negate their securities but I don’t think they can ever really understand from an empathising viewpoint.

Show quote history

But this is true of anything.
I can’t truly understand what it’s like to be gay/a person of colour/disabled/really tall etc etc
If you need a change in behaviour from your friends you need to tell them. If they are good friends then they will respect your request and stop asking.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 28/05/2022 21:46

I’m a curvy hour glass with wobbly mum tummy and thighs. I’m a 12 to 14 and my friend is a size 6-8 fitness instructor. I always assumed she was confident because she’s so fit age looks fab/toned. Last week we were drinking and she let out how she hates her natural body as her waist doesn’t come in so she’s quite masculine (her words, I think she’s beautiful). She told me how much she loves my body shape and I’m so lucky to have sexy curves.

i still have body insecurity but realising she does too was really eye opening. Very few beautiful women know they’re beautiful.

bbqhulahoop · 28/05/2022 21:49

As a fellow fatty I get it a bit... but you're not going through anything. There's a war in Europe, parents in Texas have lost their children... you're feeling a negative feeling and you do have the power to change your appearance or your attitude. Look around and try not to be so self obsessed

SkirridHill · 28/05/2022 21:51

I get it in some respects - my sister is slimmer than I am and would recommend clothes to me that weren't suitable for my shape - precisely because she didn't have the experience of dressing someone of my shape.

But that's not her fault. She always asks me what I'm wearing when we attend the same event, because not only is it a conversation-starter it also gives her ideas as to what she'd like to wear.

Kindly, OP, I think they're trying their best to be inclusive.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/05/2022 21:52

From your updates I think there are a few things going on. You don’t like being fat so you’re assuming being fat is the worst thing a person can be. It’s not.

And you’re expecting other people including your friends who care about you to think your size is worthy of special consideration because it’s so very bad. I expect they don’t. Because it’s not your defining feature to them.

She’s making chit chat when she’s asking about outfits. It’s part of normal social interaction. Do you want to be treated the same as she treats her other friends or as a special case?

HisHX · 28/05/2022 21:52

YABU. It sounds like your friend is actually insecure, which isn’t exclusive to those that are overweight, btw. “What are you wearing?” Is a perfectly normal, if a little anxious, of a question. Answer needs only to be indicative of the vibe eg jeans/heels, maxi dress/trainers, going in my joggers..
I’m sorry you’re not feeling good about yourself, but please don’t assume that your friends are either. Not everything is about your size, I bet your friends have no idea what size you are. My best friend is a lot curvier than me (no idea what size) and I’ll often ask her what she’s wearing, because she’s my style icon and absolutely nails it wherever we go!

Overthewine · 28/05/2022 21:54

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

VladmirsPoutine · 28/05/2022 21:57

I think it would be a good idea to start working on your self-esteem and learning how to love yourself. As trite as it may seem when you start on the personal-development journey it becomes quite addictive.

SlightlyGeordieJohn · 28/05/2022 21:58

drivetosurvive · 28/05/2022 21:35

Yes. I want them to be fat.

Or I’d just not like to be questioned about what I’m going to wear. I actually feel like cancelling social plans at times because I have nothing to wear. We don’t go to places that require a dress code to be checked beforehand. Dressing in a size 8/10 is different to a size 22. It just is. And having never been “bigger” person she would never understand.

Show quote history

I’d mis-read, sorry, I though you’d written that you were size 12.

Have you spoken with your GP about what support they can offer you? You don’t mention your height, but if you are around the average that suggests a BMI of well over 40, which is likely to be life-limiting.

namechange30455 · 28/05/2022 21:59

What is stopping you buying new clothes?

myammus · 28/05/2022 21:59

I’ve been a size 20 and a size 8. Not once have I been annoyed by someone asking me what I’m planning to wear. If you don’t like being a size 22, change it. This is your issue, not something your friends are doing wrong

Original poster
drivetosurvive · 28/05/2022 22:02

Mangogogogo · 28/05/2022 21:42

God who needs enemies with friends like you!

fwiw my size 20 friend is wayyyy prettier than my skinny size 10 ass, dresses a million times better and radiates confidence.

you sounds so bitter and mean. It is literally not their fault

Are you ok? Your reaction to a random post on the internet is insane.

OP posts:
CallMeNutribullet · 28/05/2022 22:03

Asking a friend what they're wearing before a night out is a perfectly normal thing to do op. It's not your friends fault you're unhappy with yourself.

Some of the most beautiful women in the world have had eating disorders and problems with body image. You need to work on your own feelings about yourself rather than feeling bitter towards your friends.

Original poster
drivetosurvive · 28/05/2022 22:04

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/05/2022 21:52

From your updates I think there are a few things going on. You don’t like being fat so you’re assuming being fat is the worst thing a person can be. It’s not.

And you’re expecting other people including your friends who care about you to think your size is worthy of special consideration because it’s so very bad. I expect they don’t. Because it’s not your defining feature to them.

She’s making chit chat when she’s asking about outfits. It’s part of normal social interaction. Do you want to be treated the same as she treats her other friends or as a special case?

I definitely don’t think being fat is the worst thing. But people perceive things differently - some people find freckles beautiful and some don’t. Some people embrace being bigger and some it cripples their self confidence. We’re all different.

OP posts:
Original poster
drivetosurvive · 28/05/2022 22:07

CallMeNutribullet · 28/05/2022 22:03

Asking a friend what they're wearing before a night out is a perfectly normal thing to do op. It's not your friends fault you're unhappy with yourself.

Some of the most beautiful women in the world have had eating disorders and problems with body image. You need to work on your own feelings about yourself rather than feeling bitter towards your friends.

I never said it was before a night out - you’ve just assumed that: It’s actually the question is asked for every occasion. Meeting up for a dog walk, meeting for a coffee, going to an ice hockey match, a bbq. It’s a question that is relentlessly asked. And when you’re already dreading finding something to wear it gets tedious.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 28/05/2022 22:09

That’s exactly the point. Just because you’re bothered by your weight doesn’t mean they are. It sounds like you categorise people primarily by their size, these two are slim so you think they’re more different from you than they do.

Original poster
drivetosurvive · 28/05/2022 22:10

And I don’t feel bitter toward my friends. I wouldn’t want anyone to feel how I feel.

But if I knew someone was self conscious about their weight gain I wouldn’t continuously ask what they are wearing.

If someone felt shit about how they looked and said they wanted to work on themselves then I would encourage them to do it for them and to date when they felt ready.

OP posts:
Original poster
drivetosurvive · 28/05/2022 22:11

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/05/2022 22:09

That’s exactly the point. Just because you’re bothered by your weight doesn’t mean they are. It sounds like you categorise people primarily by their size, these two are slim so you think they’re more different from you than they do.

Nope. I’m saying if you’ve never been overweight you have zero concept of what it’s like.

OP posts:
Smartiepants79 · 28/05/2022 22:12

But why do you believe she asks? Because she’s trying to make you feel bad? Or because she’s unsure and wants to get her own wardrobe right? It makes a difference.
Again, tell her, if she’s a good friend she’ll stop.

Phobiaphobic · 28/05/2022 22:13

I dunno why you're getting such a hard time on here, OP. So much scolding.

Roseglen84 · 28/05/2022 22:14

drivetosurvive · 28/05/2022 22:07

I never said it was before a night out - you’ve just assumed that: It’s actually the question is asked for every occasion. Meeting up for a dog walk, meeting for a coffee, going to an ice hockey match, a bbq. It’s a question that is relentlessly asked. And when you’re already dreading finding something to wear it gets tedious.

Show quote history

OP you need to tell your friend that it stresses you out when she constantly asks what you are going to wear. She might not even know she is doing it, or just thinks of it as harmless questions, not understanding that it triggers a reaction in you. If she is a true friend she will take on board what you are saying.

And yes, it is a bit weird - I wouldn't think to ask friends what they are going to wear every time we meet.

doadeer · 28/05/2022 22:16

I think asking a female friend what they're going to wear is an innocent question, particularly if they are interested in fashion. And being interested in style can be at any size! If you don't want to talk about clothes just tell them you're not interested for yourself and ask them about their clothes instead.

PurpleSky300 · 28/05/2022 22:19

I understand this OP, I feel the same way a lot of the time but you are being a bit sensitive. The friend who said "Men should like you for you", well, it does come across a bit patronising. What else could she have said though, really? "Best hit the gym then"? She was trying to make you feel better.

You are struggling with your self-esteem and maybe getting irritated with the wrong people. Try not to overthink this stuff.

LaSavoie · 28/05/2022 22:20

OP I do understand you

My best friend is objectively very beautiful and she believes that I can get any man I want or that I look lovely in anything I wear. She says this because she thinks this about me and if all men were like her I'd be sorted.

But the problem is that there is an objective standard of beauty that men go for. It's not me and it's not you. I'm not moaning about it, it is what it is, but I don't see all the need for "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" or "There's someone for everyone" or "men will like you for what you are" because it's just not true.