To think of you’re slim and pretty you’ll never “get it”?

[drivetosurvive]

Just to preface by saying I know we all have hang ups and insecurities- especially now with social media and filters etc

I have two close friends. One always asks me what I’m going to wear when we meet up. I hate my body and I’ve gained a lot of weight (size 14 now 20/22 so never been slim) I rarely buy clothes and just wear whet I fit into that day. I’ve been so blunt as to say “I’m fat so whatever I can find that I don’t hate” when I got fed up of that question … yet she still asks even now.

Other friend is very pretty, she gets a lot of attention and always has. I don’t want to date right now due to feeling very down about my looks and weight and she says “well men should like you for you” … which the sentiment is true but I don’t like me for me so why should a man? And it’s not easy to put yourself out there and she’s gorgeous so she’s never really had an issue of men not finding her attractive.

Aibu to think that both of them are slim and pretty and therefore having experienced what I’m going through?

Have you seen a doctor with him? If he’s eating a healthy and appropriate diet and is running ‘all day every day’ but is overweight enough to have rolls it sounds like he could have a health problem.

It’s more likely that he’s in fact eating more than his slimmer sibling and it’s surely unlikely that he’s running all day every single day.

I agree that there’s no moral attachment to being overweight but I also don’t want my kids to be overweight. I want them to be as fit and healthy as they can be, so if I genuinely believed they were doing excessive exercise and not eating much but staying overweight with rolls of fat then I’d seek medical attention.

The clothing sensitivities thing must make it harder, I agree, and ditto if you don't know what the vibe of a particular place is. It's really more when people do it prior to going to familiar/known places, where they know how people tend to dress, that it bemuses/irritates me.

I don't understand what we're meant to conclude from the last paragraph? Some guy brags on to you about how good looking he is, and could have his pick, but good looking women aren't very bright and are only after material benefits.
Is the point that we should consider the view of this charmer to be correct, and be pleased if we are not thick materialistic 'stunners'? Or is it just that we should consider that he speaks for all men, and be cheered up if we are not stunning, as we might then have a chance with men like him?

@HarlanPepper ballet dancers train for 5 hours on an average day, swimmers will swim 2 hours in the morning, 2 in the afternoon on average, Arnold Schwarzenegger says in his autobiography he was training 5 hours a day in his 20s and 30s. It’s probably an easy thing to google.

It sounds like you’re routine id similar to mine except I’m maintaining myself in what’s considered to be an underweight bracket. So what I’ve said shouldn’t sound so shocking. I’m 173 cm, I think that’s 5 feet 8 When I was doing catalogue work I could weigh 51kg, but I felt like it was easier to get work at 49kg so I tended to stick at 49. I think it’s easiest to maintain myself quite at 53kg. At 53kg I’m a size 6, at 49 I’m a size 4. To maintain on a cardio day I can have 1600calories + whatever I’m burning, if I’m running, swimming + doing an hour of gentle weight lifting I can have 2600 calories. If I’m sitting on my bum I’ll stick to 1600 calories.

Now how exactly is this supposed to make the OP feel better in any way, shape or form? Such a twatty response.

Now how exactly is this supposed to make the OP feel better in any way, shape or form? Such a twatty response.

It's really not, I've only ever been skinny. I've been rejected for that too, because my boobs and bum aren't big enough. Someone will always have something to say, but there's also someone who will like you for you. That's PPs message. Not sure what's twattish about it, unless you want to feel bad and have someone reinforce that.

Of course, if you're bigger (or on the very thin side) body image and dating is trickier, but there's no point putting yourself either. Personality really does affect how we see people.

I’m overweight and I’m not sure I get it to be honest. Wear what you want. Nobody cares and nobody is looking. I’m sure you don’t look at women bigger than you thinking wtf is she wearing, look at the size of her. And similarly nobody is looking at you thinking that

there some good TikTok and instagram accounts by overweight women looking fab. Maybe check them out for some clothes inspiration?

I'm slim and I feel like you everytime I get invited out. I've got basically no boobs so I find it hard to find anything to wear that doesn't make me look like a child. I honestly look at women that aren't as slim as me but that have full, womanly chests and curves with such envy. I also struggle with bad cellulite which knocks my confidence further. It really, really isnt all about being slim.

Op of course they don’t understand how you feel. No one really does other than you as only you have walked your path. It doesn’t matter what their size is, it remains true, as you’ve seen from other overweight people on here.

your unhappiness is screaming off the page in every post, and lashing out at posters, or your friend for commiting the cardinal crime of asking you what you are wearing, is obvious.

yes rhe question upsets you, thr reality is for her it won’t be deep, she will expect jeans or leggings or a dress type answer. Or it’s casual or smart. She also won’t think she shouldn’t ask you as you are “fat” as she won’t have this upper most in her mind, to her, you are just her friend. If you try to step outside a little and see it from her perspective maybe you could see that. She clearly doesn’t really know it’s a very bad thing to ask you.

I think speak to your gp again, you say the anti depressants are no longer working, and neither are your new ones. So speak to them again and keep going, as you need some more help than you are currently getting, be it counselling,medication or otherwise.

Full womanly breasts and curves are not everyone's experience of being overweight though. There a huge difference between being am overweight hour glass, like the lovely plus size models, and being an overweight apple with your 'curviest' part being your belly.

@pixie5121 You say that you're fed up and frustrated of hearing overweight people complain about being fat...but you are choosing to participate in this thread. Not only that, you're one of the most active posters in it. If you don't like it, why don't you take your own advice and "do something about it"? You could easily solve your problem by simply choosing not to read and post extensively on topics that annoy you. The OP isn't one of these IRL friends who is bothering you and it feels like you've decided to use her thread as a convenient outlet for your frustration at entirely different people, which does come across as quite nasty.

"To maintain on a cardio day I can have 1600calories + whatever I’m burning, if I’m running, swimming + doing an hour of gentle weight lifting I can have 2600 calories. If I’m sitting on my bum I’ll stick to 1600 calories."

@IvyM well yeah - that's not so shocking, but that's not even close to what you said!

You said that, starting at the age of 15, you have 3 hours of cardio and weights every day of your life, and never had you eaten more than 1600 calories in one day. Which is absolute balls, as you now admit. Thanks for clarifying.

You are the only one who can change you. If you're unhappy with your weight/shape then only you can change this.
Perhaps embrace some changes and bring along your friends to a leisure activity that will help you on your way.
Your perception is what's holding you back. A friend of mine made some minor changes to her diet and lifestyle and has never looked back.
Take the steps to make the change.

I’m maintaining myself in what’s considered to be an underweight bracket. So what I’ve said shouldn’t sound so shocking. I’m 173 cm, I think that’s 5 feet 8 When I was doing catalogue work I could weigh 51kg, but I felt like it was easier to get work at 49kg so I tended to stick at 49. I think it’s easiest to maintain myself quite at 53kg. At 53kg I’m a size 6, at 49 I’m a size 4.

If you're maintaining at 53kg, you're not just "considered to be in an underweight bracket", you're a tiny fraction of a BMI point away from the old BMI cut-off for an anorexia diagnosis and with natural weight fluctuations you will probably land in that territory regularly. At 49kg your BMI will have been well into anorexic range. Even maintaining at a slightly higher weight, you are at greatly increased risk for bone density problems and organ failure, among other things.

I struggled with anorexia for the best part of two decades. I don't want to be preachy, but coming into a thread like this and announcing that your size is "not luck, it’s not good genes, it’s hard work", as though this is a choice/an achievement to be proud of, suggests that you don't have much insight into what this kind of restriction does to your body long-term - or you're too unwell to care. What you've said should be shocking. The worrying thing is that you aren't shocked. I hope you'll be OK.

Of course, but equally there are lots of us whose experience of 'being slim' isn't like the lovely models who aren't plus size either. And even though I'm a size 8 the curviest part of my body is still my tummy (in fact it sticks out further than my breasts!).

There is always this undertone that if you aren't overweight you must be pleased with your body and have no idea what it is like to feel down about yourself (basically this thread) and honestly its just not the case.

Thats a fair point. I think its because the OP described her friends as slim and attractive that it was presumed that they had 'nice' slim bodies. I agree its more nuanced than simply being overweight or not.

And when you are considered 'good looking' and are intellectually competent, these same dickheads consider you 'unapproachable' 'arrogant' 'manhating' and so on. So tired of sexist nonsense prevailing in 2022.

I’m sorry you are soo miserable, and yes your slim friends don’t know what it’s like to be fat. However it is you who needs to address your weight issues not them.unfortunately eat less love more is not enough to shift considerable weight. I would recommend seeing a therapist and getting to the root cause of your weight gain. Have you also had a check up with your dr - hormones thyroid etc? Don’t blame your friends for a problem which only you can resolve.

I’m slim, have been told I’m very pretty and yes I do get attention from men. But apart from literally about two decent friends a lot of people really don’t want to be nice to me and it’s been this way since I was a teenager - this has lead to a resurgence of crippling social anxiety I had as a child and my insecurities relate basically only to social interaction because I have been treated like shit for nothing by so many people, belittled for the way I literally walk to “not making enough eye contact”. I’m a harmless, shy and kind person. I just want people to be kind to me and not deliberately rude. So I would say it’s swings and roundabouts OP. No, I don’t have insecurities about weight for example, but I am off the scale insecure with social anxiety even when walking down the street. Some days I don’t want to leave the house at all. I honestly don’t know what, if either, is worse 🤷‍♀️

You’re the unhappy one and clearly triggered by everything I’ve said - monster. Go and start a thread about the other woman then. You have the world biggest chip on your monster shoulder. Also don’t you have a life? You’re obsessed with this thread: obsessed with hurting overweight people.