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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be fed-up of non-drivers seeking lifts?

607 replies

GoldfinchTart · 28/05/2022 12:03

Disclaimer: this post is not about people who for whatever reason — sight problems, epilepsy, disability, poverty etc — cannot drive. It's about people who could learn to drive but don't want to.

Earlier this week I had a knock at the door and it was a couple asking if I could lend them some gardening equipment. They're in the process of buying a property a few doors along from me. It's a probate sale and it's taking ages, so they'd come down (with the vendors' permission) to start tidying up the garden which has become quite overgrown. They wanted a rake and a spade and loppers 'Because it's difficult to carry a rake on the train'. I invited them in and made them tea while I went to unlock the shed and find the tools. Turns out neither of them drive. He has a licence but found driving stressful and she prefers to be driven.

Our houses are a half-mile walk to a bus stop which isn't much fun when it's pouring with rain. I raised an eyebrow and asked if they cycle? Electric bikes are getting popular around here. We're 11 hilly miles from the nearest major town for shopping and transport links. No, they don't cycle. Long silence. I said that was a pity: taxis were very expensive because they had to come out from the town. She said that they have very nice neighbours where they currently live and they help out with lifts. Apparently the nice neighbours had run these two to the station that morning and would pick them up on their return. And then she asked 'I don't suppose you'd be going into town around 4pm, would you?' Fortunately I had a full afternoon's zoom meeting booked and showed them my diary. My partner and I try to be good neighbours but surely this was a very large red flag?

Next week I'm going to a book festival. I'm going in the camper van my partner and I share. A friend who doesn't drive is coming by train and will be travelling with a tent and camping gear. We arranged that I would be at Hereford station to pick her and her gear up at a certain time. It was planned to give us time to drive to the festival campsite and then for me to go and attend one of the events, which I've booked and paid for in advance. Today she's contacted me to say that she can't get anyone to give her a lift to the station at her end in order to catch the train required. Someone can give her a lift later to the station later in the morning, so she'll be arriving in Hereford two hours later than planned. She still expects me to pick her up from Hereford. I've told her she'll have to catch the bus from Hereford and she's responded that she has far too much gear to get on a bus. She fancies herself as a bit of a green crusader, always knocking me and my partner for having two vehicles and yet she's totally dependent on drivers to get her around.

In August my 28-year-old nephew and his girlfriend are coming to stay. They hope to go walking in the area and to visit several out-of-the-way places. They live in London and don't drive. It's become clear while we've been making arrangements that if they're to do half of what they've planned, I'll need to ferry them around almost every day. They're my relatives, they're here for a week and I'll do it without grumbling. But they'd have far more freedom and independence if they learned to drive and could hire a car for a week.

It strikes me that driving is one of those life skills that all eligible adults should be capable of, even if they choose not to own a car. AIBU?

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 03/06/2022 15:07

"”Would you like a lift?”
”No thanks, I’m fine.”
”But how will you get home?”
”It’s fine, I’m walking/getting the bus/whatever.”
”Oh you can’t WALK! It’s RAINING!”
”I like walking, I don’t mind.”
”Oh I wouldn’t hear of you walking in the rain. I’ll take you.”
”Really, no, thanks.”
”Oh don’t be so silly!” etc etc etc.
People do actually do this and it’s really irritating."

Yep. Walking somewhere by choice i almost taboo where my parents live.

stepuporshutup · 03/06/2022 19:28

I have friends that ask for a lift one I was asked to drop her off at a party venue because it would cost her £10. for a taxi

stepuporshutup · 03/06/2022 19:30

Sorry should have added it was a family party and not one I was invited to

DdraigGoch · 03/06/2022 20:03

stepuporshutup · 03/06/2022 19:30

Sorry should have added it was a family party and not one I was invited to

That's nothing compared with the Ten White Groomsmen thread a few years ago.

stepuporshutup · 03/06/2022 20:05

DdraigGoch · 03/06/2022 20:03

That's nothing compared with the Ten White Groomsmen thread a few years ago.

Oh please send a link or tell us that thread

DdraigGoch · 03/06/2022 21:56

It's a long one mind, added up to 74 pages.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 04/06/2022 02:29

Oh yes, I remember that one. It was incredible how, just as the thread seemed to be dying down, something else outlandish would happen and everyone would become interested again.

Robinni · 04/06/2022 09:26

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/06/2022 13:23

Medical reasons aside, adults should learn to drive and not leech off others for lists. And no anxiety does not count as a medical reason.

Oh Lucky! You’re forgetting that many with anxiety can take medication to lower heart rate and/or that makes them sleepy!! Not a good call for driving.

Robinni · 04/06/2022 09:31

AchatAVendre · 02/06/2022 14:19

Robinni We just walked past a £180,000 Lamborghini suv…. DH was impressed… I thought what an incredible waste of money on a depreciating asset…

Could have been bought for investment purposes. Some buyers also buy extremely rare cars and keep them in a garage because they don't lose value and are highly insured. With the price and scarcity of used cars at the moment, its not necessarily the worst thing to spend your money on. I managed to buy a car 2 years ago and sold it recently for £1500 more than I paid for it without doing anything other than maintenance.

But I agree with you on buying average new cars on credit. I don't much like luxury sports cars either - they always look very uncomfortable.

Hmmm according to goodie Lamborghini depreciate by 10% in the first 3yrs… so £18k 😬

Of course there are classic cars stored and those that do hold their value.. second hand car market is doing well as you say currently. But to buy new 🤷‍♀️

I still don’t get the lust for cars, I’ve never really been remotely interested. Beyond is it safe and practical.

Robinni · 04/06/2022 09:39

By the by did anyone see Germany has offered a €9 per month public transport ticket because so many people are struggling with the cost of living.

Stellamar · 04/06/2022 09:52

Yanbu, I'm a crappy driver and don't like it but I do it because it's necessary. If people can't or won't, then fair enough, but they need to take responsibility for getting themselves from A to B independently and not imposing on other people.

I wouldn't give any of the people mentioned a lift tbh!

Gwenhwyfar · 04/06/2022 10:47

Stellamar · 04/06/2022 09:52

Yanbu, I'm a crappy driver and don't like it but I do it because it's necessary. If people can't or won't, then fair enough, but they need to take responsibility for getting themselves from A to B independently and not imposing on other people.

I wouldn't give any of the people mentioned a lift tbh!

What if that person is the one who invited you to the isolated place? That's the only time I need a lift - when someone else has decided we should meet somewhere difficult for me to get to.

CounsellorTroi · 04/06/2022 10:52

stepuporshutup · 03/06/2022 19:28

I have friends that ask for a lift one I was asked to drop her off at a party venue because it would cost her £10. for a taxi

What!? A party you had not been invited to? Could she not have arranged to share a taxi with someone? Did she want you to pick her up later or was she hoping to cadge a lift home from someone else?

Stellamar · 04/06/2022 13:00

@Gwenhwyfar well personally I wouldn't expect a friend to meet me at an inconvenient place. I'd chat and agree to meet somewhere that was mutually suitable.

The person I'm thinking of has chosen to live alone in an isolated place, knowing they don't drive, but wants to attend an evening event. Then expects a lift home which means she can always have a drink but the driver has to go without, and also go miles out of their way and double back.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 04/06/2022 21:22

GoldfinchTart · 28/05/2022 13:32

I can't imagine living in the centre of various cities and not wanting to have access, even occasionally, to glorious countryside. (And I'm someone who lived in Zone 2 for 18 years) I can't imagine never experiencing what it's like to float at midnight under dark skies on a flat sea with the Milky Way overhead, which is something I do most summers but requires a car.

I can't imagine the limitations of where you can go when visiting the US or New Zealand or Australia (all places I've driven). Many of the memories that I'll cherish for ever involve driving. Taking a side turning in New Zealand and finding a near-deserted settlement with a glorious, driftwood-strewn beach and a blue lagoon and sitting in the sun enjoying the total peace and serenity of the place. Taking a side-road in France and finding ourselves driving under ancient trees and, at the end, a medieval village and a wonderful lunch. Going to visit friends in the mountains in Southern Spain, where there's no public transport at all, and not feeling as if I was a burden on them. Taking a detour through the Brecon Beacons and stumbling on an historic Tudor house open to the public with the most magnificent views. I can't thank my dear departed mum enough for booking my first driving lesson on my 17th birthday.

What a patronising post. Different strokes for different folks . How small pointed to not have a glimmer of understanding that not everyone shares your passion for countryside and the night sky .

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 04/06/2022 21:26

It strikes me that driving is one of those life skills that all eligible adults should be capable of, even if they choose not to own a car. AIBU?

Yes, YABU. Why pick on driving as THE life skill all adults MUST have - why not, say, swimming or first aid?

Yes, I can drive but chose not to, preferring instead the train or to walk or to cycle. Somewhat bewildered though by drivers who think they’re doing me a favour trying to force a lift on me, like the car is superior to the train or my bike etc.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 04/06/2022 21:49

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 04/06/2022 21:22

What a patronising post. Different strokes for different folks . How small pointed to not have a glimmer of understanding that not everyone shares your passion for countryside and the night sky .

And, more to the point, there are plenty of people who would also have the same passions - BUT THEY CAN'T AFFORD DRIVING LESSONS, much less fancy holidays in the US, Australia and New Zealand.

TechGuy · 05/06/2022 12:16

This is a bit like the folk who buy a country cottage, then start complaining about the smell of silage and cow dung, suggest to farmers that they should milk their cows only during normal office hours, blow their horns when obstructed by horses and farm animals etc. If you won't learn to drive, then pick a home in a town or city with good public transport. If you don't want to buy a car, many businesses now rent cars by the hour from train stations, etc. I'm always happy to offer lifts, especially in some crisis, but someone assuming I will do it regularly? No thanks.

Gwenhwyfar · 05/06/2022 13:18

"@Gwenhwyfar well personally I wouldn't expect a friend to meet me at an inconvenient place. I'd chat and agree to meet somewhere that was mutually suitable."

It mainly happens with friends in a semi-rural area. Almost everywhere there is difficult on public transport and sometimes it's a party at someone's house so I suppose they made that choice when they took on the house and their one non-driving friend who doesn't live locally anyway wasn't part of the decision process! I always find a solution with lifts/taxis or staying over if there is a bus in the morning, but not at night.

EmpressaurusWitchDoesntBurn · 05/06/2022 13:54

If you won't learn to drive, then pick a home in a town or city with good public transport.

Exactly. Hence living 10 mins walk from a tube station & 15 mins from a train station.

But I also recognise it’s not that simple for people who have to stop driving for medical reasons.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 06/06/2022 06:11

TechGuy · 05/06/2022 12:16

This is a bit like the folk who buy a country cottage, then start complaining about the smell of silage and cow dung, suggest to farmers that they should milk their cows only during normal office hours, blow their horns when obstructed by horses and farm animals etc. If you won't learn to drive, then pick a home in a town or city with good public transport. If you don't want to buy a car, many businesses now rent cars by the hour from train stations, etc. I'm always happy to offer lifts, especially in some crisis, but someone assuming I will do it regularly? No thanks.

I think most of us do to be fair. I don't know why you'd live somewhere rural as a non driver! Good public transport is very important to me so I purposely chose a town that is well connected with a train station and 3 different bus services that all run 24 hours a day.

EmpressaurusWitchDoesntBurn · 06/06/2022 08:02

I think most of us do to be fair. I don't know why you'd live somewhere rural as a non driver! Good public transport is very important to me so I purposely chose a town that is well connected with a train station and 3 different bus services that all run 24 hours a day.

Exactly! My criteria have always included 3 possible routes to work and being able to get home safely at 2am under my own steam.

But if someone lives in a rural location & for whatever reason they have to stop driving I can see that would be tricky.

BeyondMyWits · 06/06/2022 09:11

EmpressaurusWitchDoesntBurn · 06/06/2022 08:02

I think most of us do to be fair. I don't know why you'd live somewhere rural as a non driver! Good public transport is very important to me so I purposely chose a town that is well connected with a train station and 3 different bus services that all run 24 hours a day.

Exactly! My criteria have always included 3 possible routes to work and being able to get home safely at 2am under my own steam.

But if someone lives in a rural location & for whatever reason they have to stop driving I can see that would be tricky.

Yep, MIL lives in the arse end of beyond over an hour away from us, with a bus on a Wednesday...

She was a keen driver, now has a couple of types of dementia and cannot/should not/must not drive.

She can't get to the doctor, supermarket, optician, hairdresser, dentist, chiropodist, hospital... without DH or his brother taking time (off work for appointments) to ferry her about.

Robinni · 06/06/2022 21:52

BeyondMyWits · 06/06/2022 09:11

Yep, MIL lives in the arse end of beyond over an hour away from us, with a bus on a Wednesday...

She was a keen driver, now has a couple of types of dementia and cannot/should not/must not drive.

She can't get to the doctor, supermarket, optician, hairdresser, dentist, chiropodist, hospital... without DH or his brother taking time (off work for appointments) to ferry her about.

We had several relatives like this, urban area, bus and taxi available but required family to ferry them to this that and the other several times daily at one point…..

I don’t think it’s a non driver thing. But an older person thing…. Regardless if MIL was living in a bus terminal… she would still need you, and will do for some time.

Time to consider a move to a flat near you (before the dementia becomes very advanced) or a home sadly. Unfortunately you may face calls in the middle of the night to assist etc as it goes on, better to move her pronto before that stage.

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