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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be fed-up of non-drivers seeking lifts?

607 replies

GoldfinchTart · 28/05/2022 12:03

Disclaimer: this post is not about people who for whatever reason — sight problems, epilepsy, disability, poverty etc — cannot drive. It's about people who could learn to drive but don't want to.

Earlier this week I had a knock at the door and it was a couple asking if I could lend them some gardening equipment. They're in the process of buying a property a few doors along from me. It's a probate sale and it's taking ages, so they'd come down (with the vendors' permission) to start tidying up the garden which has become quite overgrown. They wanted a rake and a spade and loppers 'Because it's difficult to carry a rake on the train'. I invited them in and made them tea while I went to unlock the shed and find the tools. Turns out neither of them drive. He has a licence but found driving stressful and she prefers to be driven.

Our houses are a half-mile walk to a bus stop which isn't much fun when it's pouring with rain. I raised an eyebrow and asked if they cycle? Electric bikes are getting popular around here. We're 11 hilly miles from the nearest major town for shopping and transport links. No, they don't cycle. Long silence. I said that was a pity: taxis were very expensive because they had to come out from the town. She said that they have very nice neighbours where they currently live and they help out with lifts. Apparently the nice neighbours had run these two to the station that morning and would pick them up on their return. And then she asked 'I don't suppose you'd be going into town around 4pm, would you?' Fortunately I had a full afternoon's zoom meeting booked and showed them my diary. My partner and I try to be good neighbours but surely this was a very large red flag?

Next week I'm going to a book festival. I'm going in the camper van my partner and I share. A friend who doesn't drive is coming by train and will be travelling with a tent and camping gear. We arranged that I would be at Hereford station to pick her and her gear up at a certain time. It was planned to give us time to drive to the festival campsite and then for me to go and attend one of the events, which I've booked and paid for in advance. Today she's contacted me to say that she can't get anyone to give her a lift to the station at her end in order to catch the train required. Someone can give her a lift later to the station later in the morning, so she'll be arriving in Hereford two hours later than planned. She still expects me to pick her up from Hereford. I've told her she'll have to catch the bus from Hereford and she's responded that she has far too much gear to get on a bus. She fancies herself as a bit of a green crusader, always knocking me and my partner for having two vehicles and yet she's totally dependent on drivers to get her around.

In August my 28-year-old nephew and his girlfriend are coming to stay. They hope to go walking in the area and to visit several out-of-the-way places. They live in London and don't drive. It's become clear while we've been making arrangements that if they're to do half of what they've planned, I'll need to ferry them around almost every day. They're my relatives, they're here for a week and I'll do it without grumbling. But they'd have far more freedom and independence if they learned to drive and could hire a car for a week.

It strikes me that driving is one of those life skills that all eligible adults should be capable of, even if they choose not to own a car. AIBU?

OP posts:
IamtheDevilsAvocado · 30/05/2022 12:54

Honaloulou · 28/05/2022 12:46

How can you not imagine needing to drive?

I live and work in zone 1 London. Within London, it's very rare for me to go out of zone 2, so it's very rare for me to go further than a 20 min cycle or 30 mins on public transport. That gives me access to the world's greatest culture and entertainment (IMO), and my closest friends and family.

My holidays are mostly city breaks. If I wanted to go rural things would obviously be different.

When I do need a car, I get taxis. The cost of that is far, far less than running a car.

'But how do you not drive' is said quite a lot on MN, and I find it baffling that people can't imagine others' lifestyles.

You're in quite a small subset... Of living and working in zone 1, sans a license?!

I lived in zone 2 in my late teens /early 20s...couldn't afford to learn to drive and didn't need to.

The moment I returned home to rural South West I learnt!

Was way too compromised for social events /jobs without a license.

Frazzledmummy123 · 30/05/2022 12:57

user3199 · 30/05/2022 12:40

I occasionally feel a bit of a failure for not being able to drive - not that I want to drive or need to - just that it seems to bother other people that I can't (my mother in particular, I think it's a big disappointment to her that I can't drive).

But after reading this thread I feel I've found my tribe! 👋. So for that I thank you OP!

Same here. My mum has a thing about me not driving, hence why I feel rather strongly about this subject. The perception that not driving by choice means there must be something wrong with you is sadly very real by some people, and there are a few of those on this thread.

I find it very sad that people judge others on a life choice which has no bearing on them whatsoever.

eabsln · 30/05/2022 14:37

I don't drive, but would never assume someone will give me a lift. If they offer, I may accept. For instance I was camping this weekend with a group and the train route back was partly by bus due to engineering works. I was quite happy to get myself to the station (with my backpack) and put up with the extra time en route. But when someone offered me a lift to a station not far from me, and where she lived, I was very happy to accept. But assuming you will get a lift is unreasonable. And I would always be ready and waiting when I was being picked up. Simple etiquette when you are a passenger. If I can't get to and from somewhere without relying on someone else's goodwill, I just don't go there.

PeachyPeachTrees · 30/05/2022 16:07

I know a few of my friends who can't drive. Late 40s and not planning to. I see it as more inconvenient for them than me tbh. Giving occasional lifts is fine. Fortunately I don't have any CF friends that ask for loads of lifts.

Crazymum156 · 30/05/2022 16:38

I always offered a lift until my DH family started taking me for a fool. Father in law was in hospital ,and my mother in law couldn't get to visit . I felt sorry and offered to take her one evening . I paid car parking ( well its my car) . Next day she phoned to be picked up again . And her daughter was waiting too! This continued every day for the 7 weeks he was in there. Some days one daughter ,others days couple of daughters and daughter in law . Father in laws brother and sister too. Always my fuel, me paying parking and to add insult ... they didn't talk to me the whole time!! They had spouses and children who drove but ... they expected to just turn up and get in with me ! My DH was unwell so wasn't able to drive. When Father in law came home ( I fetched him) I swore NEVER AGAIN ! . people just assume drivers don't mind playing taxi . Its not about the money I wouldn't dream of charging its just the cheek of people. . I have since been told " oh you're not family really are you?" 43 years I've been married into their "clan"

Tunaandbobby · 30/05/2022 17:24

Neither of my in laws drive and have always told people with pride that they’ve never needed to drive and they’ve always managed quite fine without needing to drive. However all of their stories about going places start with ‘we don’t drive so Arthur from across the road drove us’ or ‘when we needed to get Tilly to the vets we had to knock on half of the doors on the street before we could find someone to take us’ ‘when Dave broke his leg we had to ask Terry to take us because we don’t drive’
yeah you’ve managed quite fine because you’ve cadged lifts off every mug on your road!!
winds me up!

Waxonwaxoff0 · 30/05/2022 18:13

WhackusBonkus · 30/05/2022 00:39

Yeah.. I agree with the OP. People (not including the exceptions mentioned) should at least try to do their best to get themselves through a driving test. Otherwise they will end up having to rely on others forever even if only occasionally. Not everyone needs to own their own car but being able to drive is a reasonable expectation for *most adults I feel. I’d be irritated AF if DH didn’t drive and it all fell to me. Bugger that

Wrong. I never rely on anyone, even occasionally. I don't need to.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 30/05/2022 18:16

GoldfinchTart · 30/05/2022 09:21

Not saying everyone should drive everywhere all the time. I'm saying that driving is a basic skill of modern life that I think most people would benefit from. Doesn't mean you have to own your own car: you can belong to a car share scheme or hire a car when you need it. I agree with those saying that basic literacy, the ability to use a computer and driving are three skills that would make everyone's life easier and more enriched. Also with the person who learned later in life (like my mum) and has written about how even in small ways, life has become more flexible and varied.

Various people have commented on people who drive being dependent on their cars. I'd love to know how the person who gets their dog to the vet on public transport copes. My dog's been eating cow poo and has dreadful diarrhoea at the moment. We have a vet appointment this afternoon. I'd be terrified of trying to get him onto a bus and have him shitting everywhere.

I don't own a dog and don't want to. Problem solved.

JudgeJ · 30/05/2022 18:38

She fancies herself as a bit of a green crusader, always knocking me and my partner for having two vehicles and yet she's totally dependent on drivers to get her around.

Sounds like the person who asked if could give him a regular lift to work and spent the whole journey sounding off about the iniquities of cars, how we should all be using public transport etc etc.! This free arrangement, he never suggested paying me anything, lasted less than a week.

Rewis · 30/05/2022 20:29

I'd love to know how the person who gets their dog to the vet on public transport copes. My dog's been eating cow poo

I don't have a dog. I don't live anywhere near cows but funnily enough I can see the vets office from my livingroom window. I adjust my lifestyle to fit with not owning a car. If I change my lifestyle then I will get one. One adjustment is that I don't have a car or live anywhere near cows.

SundayTeatime · 30/05/2022 20:49

People can’t seriously be saying that you can’t/shouldn’t have a pet if you don’t have a car.

camelfinger · 30/05/2022 21:11

I’m loving the dog diarrhoea being one of the notable examples of this amazing sense of freedom that vehicle ownership brings. I’d rather walk, thanks.

Thebeastofsleep · 30/05/2022 21:28

Yanbu.

If you won't learn to drive/ don't like driving, don't expect lifts.

I have a friend like this, she lives 2+ hours from me and near a fairly major train line, so if I go to see her I take the train and she's always really miffed I don't have the car. Not so we can have a nice day out, but so I can ferry her around on errands like to drop stuff at the charity shop or tip. And never offers of petrol money. I only ever get the train to see her now.

Dibbydoos · 30/05/2022 23:32

Hi OP, yor neighbours are sponges so be careful. Don't offer them any lifts at all. Always have a reason no to ferry them around or you'll get hooked into their game.

Your friend needs to travel lighter, you go to your concert or whatever, if you can pick her up later but nit at the time she now seems to need. Why can't she get a taxi from hers yo the station and stay on time with you? Ridiculous!

Your relatives want to walk and they can to tge bus stop abd off on their travels.

People who don't sort their own transport out annoy me. Its like 4x4 bashing until there's snow, then radio announcements asking fir 4x4 drivers to pick ip nhs staff! Beggars belief!

Owning and running a car is expensive, if people as you for favours, ask them what they'd do if you can't help.they then have to think it out and sort out their plans.

DdraigGoch · 31/05/2022 01:59

A poster upthread said that cars were more convenient for shopping. Not always. I'm guessing that they only shop at supermarkets or out of town retail parks. I try to support the independent stores in the local towns (my own village has lost its array of shops) and when I drove would have to do multiple circuits before I could find a free parking space. The bus however goes right into the middle of town, or I can prop my bike up right outside.

FirewomanSam · 31/05/2022 08:16

I have a dog and yes, owning a car now definitely makes things like vet trips much easier. However, when we had a dog and no car, we still coped fine. We’d walk him, take the bus, use Addison Lee’s pet friendly taxis or get Ubers (although they only just brought in pet friendly Ubers recently, that would have saved a few headaches for us!). Our vet also offers a home visit service although we never used it.

What would we have done if he had terrible diarrhea and we thought he seriously couldn’t hold if for a 5 minute taxi ride? I don’t know, but probably the same as we’d do for a 5 minute drive now - we don’t want doggy diarrhea all over our car either! So I guess wrap him in a towel or something and hope for the best. Or get a home visit if we were really really concerned about him making the journey.

But that scenario seems vanishingly unlikely and not really in and of itself an entire reason to own a car! I don’t get why you are so determined to keep coming up with all these scenarios to prove that people need cars, when many people very clearly manage to go about their lives within them. Not the exact life you live, no, but lives that they’re perfectly happy with!

Eve76 · 31/05/2022 15:43

I don’t drive , I use public transport and if I’m doing a big shop I get a taxi . It’s never occurred to me to ever cadge a lift from anyone I didn’t realise it was a thing . I’d let your new neighbours know that this isn’t something your ever going to do for them . Good luck 😉

wentworthinmate · 31/05/2022 15:50

Those new neighbours are going to be CF, can see it coming already. Wait until they’re moved in! Start as you mean to go on, you are really busy with meetings etc EVERY SINGLE TIME.

jamapop · 31/05/2022 16:01

Theeyeballsinthefuckingsky · 28/05/2022 12:13

I can’t drive. I’d love to be able too but I’m absolutely completely & utterly terrible at it. I’ve failed 5 tests. I just can’t master this “basic life skill” sorry for being such a failure!

I loathe asking ppl for lifts. I’d rather walk, get the bus, taxi, anything. I can’t imagine having the nerve to ask a neighbour for a lift. The only person I ask is DH & even then it’s only if I have no other choice. I accept that my inability to drive is no one’s fault but mine & it’s not for other ppl to run around after me.

I’m like you .. except that somehow I did pass but I am horrific at driving.

I’ve never expected anyone but DH to drive me anywhere - and even that rarely (in the same way that I do things I’m best at and he does the things he’s best at which makes both our lives easier). I’ve very occasionally offered lifts or other parents offer to pick up DC for play days and I ALWAYS decline them and make my way to drop DC myself.

The attitude of your new neighbours seems particularly shocking.

DaisyWaldron · 31/05/2022 17:27

Before this thread, I'd always assumed that it would be quite nice to be able to drive places, although I really dislike travelling by car. But the complaints about giving lifts to non-drivers have made me realise that driving and navigating and finding parking is expensive and takes a fair amount of effort, and I'm actually happier with my car-free life than I was before. I think I'll carry on occasionally accepting lifts from friends, but rather than feeling a burden, I can reciprocate by offering my driveway for free parking a short walk from the city centre.

0utwitted · 31/05/2022 17:41

I walk3d past a car show room yesterday, even the cheapest cars were a years salary. I cant believe the pressure to drove from some given the cost of it, environmental issues, car ownership not being compulsory....

passport123 · 31/05/2022 17:54

So what happened with your new neighbours? did they come back for another try at a lift?

Elsiebear90 · 31/05/2022 17:57

Yep, I’ve had a few friends like this, think you’re car runs on friendship rather than petrol and you’ve got nothing better to do than waste time and money being their free taxi driver. We’re not friends any more thankfully.

Frazzledmummy123 · 01/06/2022 09:56

I was on a bus last night and I looked around at all those non-fully functioning members of society and parasites missing a huge basic life skill (including myself) who can't get their dog to a vet if it had diarrhoea😱. Then I stepped off the bus and suddenly it wasn't in my face any more that I was a half person, only just existing because I don't drive... 🙄

letsnotdothat · 01/06/2022 10:02

It’s so expensive to learn to drive nowadays so I can completely understand why lots of younger adults in particular don’t drive. It won’t be a choice for many people, it’s £50 a week many don’t have plus the cost of the theory and actual driving test. Even when people pass, lots can’t afford the actual car especially with fuel being as high as it is right now. I honestly don’t blame people for not driving, I think PT should be improved across the country. Your nephew won’t need to drive in London, it’s just about the only place in the UK where it makes more sense not to drive.

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