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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be fed-up of non-drivers seeking lifts?

607 replies

GoldfinchTart · 28/05/2022 12:03

Disclaimer: this post is not about people who for whatever reason — sight problems, epilepsy, disability, poverty etc — cannot drive. It's about people who could learn to drive but don't want to.

Earlier this week I had a knock at the door and it was a couple asking if I could lend them some gardening equipment. They're in the process of buying a property a few doors along from me. It's a probate sale and it's taking ages, so they'd come down (with the vendors' permission) to start tidying up the garden which has become quite overgrown. They wanted a rake and a spade and loppers 'Because it's difficult to carry a rake on the train'. I invited them in and made them tea while I went to unlock the shed and find the tools. Turns out neither of them drive. He has a licence but found driving stressful and she prefers to be driven.

Our houses are a half-mile walk to a bus stop which isn't much fun when it's pouring with rain. I raised an eyebrow and asked if they cycle? Electric bikes are getting popular around here. We're 11 hilly miles from the nearest major town for shopping and transport links. No, they don't cycle. Long silence. I said that was a pity: taxis were very expensive because they had to come out from the town. She said that they have very nice neighbours where they currently live and they help out with lifts. Apparently the nice neighbours had run these two to the station that morning and would pick them up on their return. And then she asked 'I don't suppose you'd be going into town around 4pm, would you?' Fortunately I had a full afternoon's zoom meeting booked and showed them my diary. My partner and I try to be good neighbours but surely this was a very large red flag?

Next week I'm going to a book festival. I'm going in the camper van my partner and I share. A friend who doesn't drive is coming by train and will be travelling with a tent and camping gear. We arranged that I would be at Hereford station to pick her and her gear up at a certain time. It was planned to give us time to drive to the festival campsite and then for me to go and attend one of the events, which I've booked and paid for in advance. Today she's contacted me to say that she can't get anyone to give her a lift to the station at her end in order to catch the train required. Someone can give her a lift later to the station later in the morning, so she'll be arriving in Hereford two hours later than planned. She still expects me to pick her up from Hereford. I've told her she'll have to catch the bus from Hereford and she's responded that she has far too much gear to get on a bus. She fancies herself as a bit of a green crusader, always knocking me and my partner for having two vehicles and yet she's totally dependent on drivers to get her around.

In August my 28-year-old nephew and his girlfriend are coming to stay. They hope to go walking in the area and to visit several out-of-the-way places. They live in London and don't drive. It's become clear while we've been making arrangements that if they're to do half of what they've planned, I'll need to ferry them around almost every day. They're my relatives, they're here for a week and I'll do it without grumbling. But they'd have far more freedom and independence if they learned to drive and could hire a car for a week.

It strikes me that driving is one of those life skills that all eligible adults should be capable of, even if they choose not to own a car. AIBU?

OP posts:
ConfessionsOfAShopper · 30/05/2022 10:23

I don’t drive. I don’t expect lifts, ever.

If I go and visit a friend in the country, she comes to pick me up from the station, because taxis are extortionate. I always offer petrol money, and she always says no, so I buy her a bottle of wine as a thank you. It’s not a big deal.

I get around absolutely fine in my city without the use of a car and I don’t need it.

Robinni · 30/05/2022 10:23

GoldfinchTart · 30/05/2022 10:00

I live in a busy area in a city and I work around not having a car by having my doctor, dentist, and vet (if I had a pet) nearby. If I had a dog with diarrhoea I'd walk it with them (carrying cage if the dog can't walk). Anything else further afield (with no situations involving diarrhoea) I'd take a taxi. Simple!

I'm five, maybe six miles from a vet: too far to walk with a sick dog/ carry it in a cage/ push in a wheelbarrow along narrow lanes without a footpath. The non-driving poster who wrote about living in a national park and being able to get the dog to the vet would have been more rural than me.

You still haven't solved my problem. Dog with terrible diarrhoea, at least five miles to the vet. No taxi would take him, I'd be mortified if he lost control on a bus (and so would he and the bus company). I'd have to ask a friend or neighbour, wouldn't I?

@GoldfinchTart

Most people I know with animals who can’t drive make sure they either a) are within walking distance of a vets b) have a partner/family member who can drive…. Which is not an issue as said family member is as responsible for the dog/cat as they are….. Your neighbours are unusual in not considering their access to local amenities, perhaps because their previous neighbours were “yes” people with no backbone…. Arguably the root cause of the problem.

I hope the diarrhoea issue is resolved for you.

CruCru · 30/05/2022 10:26

I think part of the problem is that people don't realise how different others' lives are to theirs. The nephew lives in London and probably says things like "What do you mean it's seven minutes until the next tube?!? That's outrageous, what's going on?" He hasn't realised that the OP lives in a place where there's only three buses a day. It would be kind to tell him - sometimes it's more polite to be direct.

Having someone come to stay and then look surprised that they will need a car or be dependent on lifts is quite irritating. It's like having a friend wear suede boots to the beach.

On the other hand, if you live somewhere where you really don't need a car, having people be aghast that you are going to walk or get the bus is also quite irritating. GoldenOmber summed it up well:

”Would you like a lift?”
”No thanks, I’m fine.”
”But how will you get home?”
”It’s fine, I’m walking/getting the bus/whatever.”
”Oh you can’t WALK! It’s RAINING!”
”I like walking, I don’t mind.”
”Oh I wouldn’t hear of you walking in the rain. I’ll take you.”
”Really, no, thanks.”
”Oh don’t be so silly!” etc etc etc.

I grew up in the centre of a city and remember people virtually restraining me as I tried to leave a friend's house because I was going to walk the few blocks home. It's weird and awkward when people do this.

Badyboo · 30/05/2022 10:26

My vet has an animal taxi, so problem solved!

Which just goes to show how pointless it is to ask what I'd do in your area which I don't know. My answer would be: get the animal taxi. Or more likely, walk, since it's only a mile.

Somethingneedstochange · 30/05/2022 10:47

Tell her to get a taxi to the station then you can still pick her up. Who waits around for people to give them lifts? I don't drive had to struggle on the train and then bus with a large suitcase a backpack and shopping as well as keeping hold of my adult disabled son who has epilepsy. I couldn't get a taxi to where we were staying. I actually did start learning to drive. But was put off when we were in a taxi on the way to the airport to come home from holiday and my son nearly caused a crash. He reached over the driver to get something let me tell you my life flashed before my eyes. That was an experienced driver he managed it really well. Luckily it was a 7 seater so we moved him and I sat with him. I'm not sure what I would have done if I was a new driver in a 5 seater.

Frazzledmummy123 · 30/05/2022 10:53

GoldfinchTart · 30/05/2022 10:00

I live in a busy area in a city and I work around not having a car by having my doctor, dentist, and vet (if I had a pet) nearby. If I had a dog with diarrhoea I'd walk it with them (carrying cage if the dog can't walk). Anything else further afield (with no situations involving diarrhoea) I'd take a taxi. Simple!

I'm five, maybe six miles from a vet: too far to walk with a sick dog/ carry it in a cage/ push in a wheelbarrow along narrow lanes without a footpath. The non-driving poster who wrote about living in a national park and being able to get the dog to the vet would have been more rural than me.

You still haven't solved my problem. Dog with terrible diarrhoea, at least five miles to the vet. No taxi would take him, I'd be mortified if he lost control on a bus (and so would he and the bus company). I'd have to ask a friend or neighbour, wouldn't I?

Lucky you aren't me then, and I don't have a dog with diarrhoea? 😊.
Why would I need to solve your problem? I don't have a dog with diarrhoea, or live several miles from a vet. I don't have a dog because I live my own life with my own choices, nor do I have anything to do with you or your life (thank goodness!)

Topseyt123 · 30/05/2022 10:55

Lets rephrase something that is very often trotted out on here.

Driving is a useful life skill, but not necessarily an absolutely essential one. That can all depend on your personal circumstances and where you live. If you don't want to drive and own a car then it is best not to live in the arse end of nowhere or you will be very isolated.

I drive. Mostly locally and on my patch. I don't particularly like it and will (with some planning) get public transport for longer trips. I drive to do my shopping and run local errands because we don't live in a city so I need to. As we get older and want to drive less the plan is to downsize our current family home (kids are all grown up now) and move to somewhere smaller, with better public transport and closer facilities.

As I say, I do drive, but I also occasionally use our admittedly fairly limited local bus service and even more occasionally, a taxi.

I go to my mother's house several hours away by train and we use taxis when I am there. She no longer drives due to age related medical problems so me coming up and us using the local taxi firms helped her to realise (after my Dad died) that it was still possible to get out occasionally, albeit a bit more challenging than it used to be.

DaisyWaldron · 30/05/2022 11:05

GoldfinchTart · 30/05/2022 10:00

I live in a busy area in a city and I work around not having a car by having my doctor, dentist, and vet (if I had a pet) nearby. If I had a dog with diarrhoea I'd walk it with them (carrying cage if the dog can't walk). Anything else further afield (with no situations involving diarrhoea) I'd take a taxi. Simple!

I'm five, maybe six miles from a vet: too far to walk with a sick dog/ carry it in a cage/ push in a wheelbarrow along narrow lanes without a footpath. The non-driving poster who wrote about living in a national park and being able to get the dog to the vet would have been more rural than me.

You still haven't solved my problem. Dog with terrible diarrhoea, at least five miles to the vet. No taxi would take him, I'd be mortified if he lost control on a bus (and so would he and the bus company). I'd have to ask a friend or neighbour, wouldn't I?

You'd put the dog in your bike trailer and cycle to the vet.

GoldfinchTart · 30/05/2022 11:11

ManyBooksLittleTime · 30/05/2022 09:15

OP you are hilarious. As if you are the type of person to offer shivering strangers at bus stops lifts! Now you are typing anything to prove your weird point....

I hate to disabuse you but yes, in this village and others around, where many of us know our neighbours, it's a bit of a custom to pick people up from bus stops and run them into town. Particularly when it's cold and wet. Many of the bus stops en route don't have shelters and the buses cane get half an hour out of sync.

OP posts:
cinci · 30/05/2022 11:17

So you live in a village. A completely different context to many people here who probably live in urban areas. In rural areas driving is essential, lots of people get by without the need.

Crikeyalmighty · 30/05/2022 11:18

Actually I feel really relieved that there are so many other non drivers on here who have the confidence to admit they were a bit shit at it if/when they did learn. I've always felt a bit of a freak for not driving! And yes I'm extremely literate and choose to live in places on good public transport . My H does drive though but I dont100% rely on lifts.

rookiemere · 30/05/2022 11:20

I've had dog diarrhoea in the car once . An expensive ( full car valet £60 plus £10 tip as I felt so sorry for the bloke) incident that I shall not be repeating.
(Sorry not really pertinent but I thought I'd mention it)

ManyBooksLittleTime · 30/05/2022 11:25

Crickeyalmighty
There is no need to feel like a freak. Not everyone has the mindset of some of those on here that are liking to think they are superior because they can drive.

And OP....I still don't believe you. YOU come across as too vindictive. I even think your first post is exaggerated

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 30/05/2022 11:28

Driving isn't relevant for every job, but it does improve your choices, as you yourself have demonstrated.

Well yes - I’d never say it didn’t. But all it’s done is stopped me from taking specific roles. It hasn’t ruled out entire career options (I can’t say I ever dreamed of being a bus driver).

But as I said, the companies who choose to cheap but inaccessible locations are also limiting themselves in terms of the staff they can attract. The perfect candidate could have turned them down before they even had a phone interview.

I’ve worked on industrial estates off the beaten track and frankly, it’s miserable. You can’t go out for a nice team lunch; even nipping to the shop if you forget to take in sandwiches is difficult. No one goes for an impromptu drink after work because everyone is driving. None of the fun things about a job, plus the pain of a difficult journey.

BellePeppa · 30/05/2022 11:29

Crikeyalmighty · 30/05/2022 11:18

Actually I feel really relieved that there are so many other non drivers on here who have the confidence to admit they were a bit shit at it if/when they did learn. I've always felt a bit of a freak for not driving! And yes I'm extremely literate and choose to live in places on good public transport . My H does drive though but I dont100% rely on lifts.

Yes, apart from the odd comment on here about how can you possibly function as a complete human being without driving, driving isn’t a measure of someone’s worth or intelligence (some of the dumbest people I know make very good drivers). I don’t drive, I choose not to drive (I did have a licence but it’s lapsed and I have no intention of retaking a test), driving caused me panic attacks I couldn’t overcome but I always make sure I live in accessible places. It wouldn’t make any sense for me to live somewhere rural with no walkable amenities.

Maverickess · 30/05/2022 11:33

GoldfinchTart · 30/05/2022 10:00

I live in a busy area in a city and I work around not having a car by having my doctor, dentist, and vet (if I had a pet) nearby. If I had a dog with diarrhoea I'd walk it with them (carrying cage if the dog can't walk). Anything else further afield (with no situations involving diarrhoea) I'd take a taxi. Simple!

I'm five, maybe six miles from a vet: too far to walk with a sick dog/ carry it in a cage/ push in a wheelbarrow along narrow lanes without a footpath. The non-driving poster who wrote about living in a national park and being able to get the dog to the vet would have been more rural than me.

You still haven't solved my problem. Dog with terrible diarrhoea, at least five miles to the vet. No taxi would take him, I'd be mortified if he lost control on a bus (and so would he and the bus company). I'd have to ask a friend or neighbour, wouldn't I?

The poster with the in the national park dog is me, and I live 10 minutes walk from the vets - it was one of the things I took into consideration when I got a dog, getting it to the vets, because that's the responsibility I have as the owner. I also have small breeds that I can easily carry should I need to. I've held on to an old pushchair of DDs for this reason.
Our vets also offer a transport service or home visits too, though I've not needed to use them,

I wouldn't choose to live where you do, or if I did not choose to own a dog if I couldn't get them to the vets under my own steam because that would be irresponsible.

Why do you think because you live 5 miles from a vet and chose to own a dog, based on your own circumstances, that applies to everyone? Or that I can't take my circumstances into consideration before making a choice about something because I don't have a driving license?

takealettermsjones · 30/05/2022 11:44

This thread is very entertaining 😂

I drive and I also enjoy walking. I too find it annoying when I turn down the offer of a lift from someone because I'm walking, and they doggedly insist on me getting in their car. Might sound strange to some but I wanted to walk. And it also might sound unbelievable but I've actually had people really make a big deal out of this, arguing, insisting and even driving along beside me at a snail's pace, to "make sure [I] get home". It's infantilising and infuriating.

Spending public money on driving simulators in schools is one of the worst educational reforms I've heard proposed in a while. Everyone who's done the hazard perception part of the driving theory test knows that it's far more like Mario Kart than real life! That public money should surely be spent on improving and expanding public transport, which is inclusive for everyone and better for the environment.

Jaxhog · 30/05/2022 12:00

If you choose not to drive - that is absolutely your choice. But don't expect me to automatically give you a lift just because I do! That's my choice.

I also walk whenever I can.

Robinni · 30/05/2022 12:02

rookiemere · 30/05/2022 11:20

I've had dog diarrhoea in the car once . An expensive ( full car valet £60 plus £10 tip as I felt so sorry for the bloke) incident that I shall not be repeating.
(Sorry not really pertinent but I thought I'd mention it)

@rookiemere You need to get one of those plastic mats for the boot… don’t feel too bad, we’d to take the car in due to exploding food (awful, don’t ask)… they said they valeted a woman’s car annually who liked to cart her sheep around with her, and they were not toilet trained!!! There are worse things.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 30/05/2022 12:02

You still haven't solved my problem. Dog with terrible diarrhoea, at least five miles to the vet. No taxi would take him, I'd be mortified if he lost control on a bus (and so would he and the bus company). I'd have to ask a friend or neighbour, wouldn't I?

But that’s the point - it’s YOUR problem. You presumably made plans for the life YOU live, or want to live. No one is saying you shouldn’t drive; just that it’s not essential for everyone.

Why would I worry about how to transport a dog with diarrhoea when I live five miles from a vet? I don’t have a dog, or want one. The same as I don’t worry about how I’d cope without a car in a rural area. I don’t live in a rural area, nor do I intend moving to one.

I have a friend who hates flying, but loves holidays. She’s forced herself to cope with flying because she wants the holiday more than she wants to avoid flying. By a similar token, if I desperately wanted to live in the countryside, I’d have battled on with driving lessons despite hating them. But I love city living - so why would I plan for a life I don’t want?

Robinni · 30/05/2022 12:11

@GoldfinchTart

So far solutions to doggie doo doo dilemma

  • live near a vets and walk
  • have alternate family member drive
  • vet taxi service
  • vet home visit
  • dog trailer on the back of bike
Next?
ManyBooksLittleTime · 30/05/2022 12:18

The problem is that we have an OP, plus others,who think us non-drivers can't function without them and are too stupid to go about our daily lives. We plan our lives. My vet is at the end of the road. 😀

Just don't give lifts, no need to write twatty things.

user3199 · 30/05/2022 12:33

@Crikeyalmighty Same! It maybe wasn't the intention of this thread but I've loved learning that there are so many other non-drivers out there. I only know a handful my age (early 40s) in real life. And you are all literate too, amazing 😉

@NewSlang if you don't mind me asking, how old were you when you passed your test? How many lessons approx?

user3199 · 30/05/2022 12:40

I occasionally feel a bit of a failure for not being able to drive - not that I want to drive or need to - just that it seems to bother other people that I can't (my mother in particular, I think it's a big disappointment to her that I can't drive).

But after reading this thread I feel I've found my tribe! 👋. So for that I thank you OP!

NewSlang · 30/05/2022 12:51

user3199 · 30/05/2022 12:33

@Crikeyalmighty Same! It maybe wasn't the intention of this thread but I've loved learning that there are so many other non-drivers out there. I only know a handful my age (early 40s) in real life. And you are all literate too, amazing 😉

@NewSlang if you don't mind me asking, how old were you when you passed your test? How many lessons approx?

I was in my late 20s when I passed my test. I'd been trying on and off since I was 17 and had really struggled. My post was not intended to shame anyone, but to give anyone who's struggled/is struggling with learning to drive hope and some incentive to keep going and to keep trying. It really has been more than worth it - I'd say it's one of the best things I've ever done for myself.

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