Is anyone else slightly disappointed their DC didn’t turn out to be quite as amazing as I thought they were when they were little?

[meanmama]

DS was naturally very academically advanced at an early age. He basically taught himself to read, was years ahead of the rest of the class in maths, drew pictures like a 7 year old at age 3, wrote chapter books with punctuation in reception, learnt musical instruments with ease. You name it, he could do it. This was completely without any pushing from myself or DH - we have another DC who is much more academically ‘normal’ and have treated them both the same.
I couldn’t help but have extremely high hopes and dreams for DS who is now 16. But although he’s still very bright he’s also quite lazy so achieves above average but nothing like when he was little. I sometimes wonder if I should have been more pushy about made sure he pushed himself but I’m just not that type of parent.
I feel bad for feeling like this, I know IABU and obviously I do massively appreciate the fact that DS is doing pretty well academically, has lots of friends a good social life and is happy. But part of me can’t help but feel just a bit disappointed that he didn’t grow up to be the genius I thought he would.

Considering the nature of one of the other trending threads in here today, this thread isn’t really very tasteful.
Be grateful if you have a happy child. That is all that matters.

Being able to coast GCSEs means they get to enjoy being kids without the huge pressure and stress some kids have just to pass.

He probably just needs to find his thing but the really important things are friends, family and relationships which are what really make for a happy successful life.

My eldest was super bright similar to your son but seriously coasted through GCSEs with ok grades - nothing below 5 but only a few 8s and 7s. It’s only been since she went to uni that she started to really work. She desperately wanted to go to California for the year abroad and knew that it’s competitive to get her chosen place so worked for the first time ever and is now top of her year and off to California in a few months. I genuinely wouldn’t mind though either way. I just care that she’s happy and healthy with good friends.

There’s so many pressures on teens now with social media and pressures to succeed way more than we had at their age. Plus they’ve had covid to deal with so if they’re surviving without any major mental health problems then I’d count that as a win! 😃

Snort laughed at this, I’m also an adult that was one those children, my mother remains aggrieved that her sole reason for boasting and being a cunt to other mothers was ripped from under her when I had a breakdown mid Y13.

Im now a mother of one of those children and believe me she knows that her “achievements” are the last on the list of things I give a fuck about. Mental health, well being and happiness are the priority.

I’m so lucky that my three sons have turned out to be amazing, inspiring and thoughtful individuals. They are each so different in their academic achievements, lifestyle choices, the difficulties they have faced so far on their journeys and the ways in which they have dealt with them. If I had different aspirations for them at the start of their lives then they have taught me that’s not the way it works. I can honestly say I wouldn’t want them to be anything other that the way they are.

It's very normal to want your child to do well.

I guess he's got no impetus to grow beyond where he is. He's comfortable.

The thing is, I look back and think I could have gone to Oxbridge if I'd know it existed.

have you ever been OP?

Sometimes we need to visualise ourselves in a place to understand that it could be for us. So if you want him to aim higher, book a day trip or a weekend to Cambridge or Oxford and see what he thinks. Don't mention uni but you could have a tour just for fun perhaps or go punting. He'll soak up the atmosphere etc.

It may put him off completely which is fine. But I wish someone had taken me on a day trip to one of these places and made me realise that it was a possibilty for me. You don't know what you don't know.

But in the end, if he's happy and getting on well in life otherwise, that's good enough. Maybe let him find his own path.

but yes, the key to ambition is exposure and it sounds like at the moment he's not exposed to anything much to light his fire.

Working hard comes from intrinsic or extrinsic motivation. Have a google.

You want him to feel inspired to work hard, not work work because he's living in fear of not being good enough. So how do you inspire? Take him places, expose him to new ideas and thinking...

He turned to me and said "Mom, will you still love me if I turn out to be average?" He was completely serious. It stopped me in my tracks. It really changed how I parented. I had been giving them the message that I loved them more if they were the best at everything.

@momtoboys that genuinely made me well up a little bit. Well done for realising that and changing how you approached things with your boys. You’ve probably saved them years of therapy!

You’ve made me realised this is exactly how I’ve felt for so much of my life, even though my parents are wonderful and I know they’ve only ever tried their best. I live in such fear of disappointing them even at nearly 40 years old. I would have loved to hear ‘it’s ok for you to be average’ once in a while!

What you are describing is very human (despite the chippy responses from some), everyone wants their kids to use their talents, and get the best out of life etc.

things to remember -

The main thing is he is happy and healthy and doing well enough to get him through life

He was never a genius, just an early developer

He’s 16, as he emotionally matures he may well apply himself more academically, or to whatever else he decides he wants to do

Be supportive and you’ll probably be able to gently encourage him to stretch himself as he matures

Thinking about this might be a sign you need to build up your own life.

A nice sentiment, but it does not make the history books 📚

It's one of the outcomes of investing in e.g. Their education ect is to achieve good education ect, otherwise they could just be happy Sat playing PlayStation ect. Hardly a wow achievement.

You've been reading the wrong history books.

I should of expanded on what I ment, for day to day interactions like the poem describes, that I would say could be argued that it does not merit the history books as it's normal human interactions etc, but e.g. Being academic, a high achiever, an engineer, ect has the potential to make history and Mark their name in the history books for e.g. X invention, or x study of the human psychological perspectives for e.g. Business etc

You are being so completely and utterly unreasonable. Honestly, how dare you be disappointed in your own child? Just process how deeply damaging that would be if he knew? And he’s 16! You have no idea what he will achieve, who he will become! And he’s not you, he gets to choose his own path.

I actually feel genuinely sorry for you and your kids if that's what you think about those sentiments.

What is ect?

You seem to know you are.
i stRted off wanting all those super ficial things for my dd but as she’s grown I want her to just accept herself, have fun, love herself, have happy relationships, be at ease, have wonderful experiences and just know she is loved. The rest is all b/s that will never really make anyone happy.
he’s 16 let his life run the course it needs to!

Yes I'd like the children to comprehend those sentiments, but I also want them to strive for the best as they can, I want them to be high achiever, yes happy too, but a mind is a terrible thing to waste, especially if it's e.g. Mundane day to day, so why settle for partying, booze and just being average when we can achieve more ?

It's ment to be etc as in extra items not listed, but auto correct, keeps altering it

But the boy isn’t wasting all his time boozing and partying 🫤 he’s a normal lad doing relatively well in school and he’s happy and sociable. He’s not some delinquent or lying round smoking weed all day. He’s just not super special bragging rights.

I totally understand. One of mine wanted to be doctor, I was told they were an exceptional science student in year 7. Now we're at A Level stage and they can barely be bothered to turn up to school and are likely to do very poorly in their a levels... That said I read all sorts of things about teen suicides and depression and I think they may be causing me stress but at least they are happy 😅

That was not ment for the ops post, it was making the point in general,

Your autocorrect sure does have a knack for butchering the English language.

But I think everyone would agree they don’t want their child to do terribly in life and make no achievements. But the thread isn’t about kids who are seriously struggling and not achieving at all. It’s about kids who aren’t achieving the dazzlingly impressive standards their parents expect of them.

Of course if a teen is just sitting about playing video games and failing every class with no future prospects, then that’s a big problem. Nobody would say that’s okay.

Nah, that's just me, I need to learn to write better.

@Josephsrose I’m glad you recognise your son is happy, I work in construction and the trades are genuinely skilled jobs, they’re not valued enough - the academic route is not the only way to a fulfilling life and I’ll bet it’s because your son is bright that he realised that early on. Also we have a massive skills shortage on this country - he’ll never be out of work.

Fair points