Is anyone else slightly disappointed their DC didn’t turn out to be quite as amazing as I thought they were when they were little?

[meanmama]

DS was naturally very academically advanced at an early age. He basically taught himself to read, was years ahead of the rest of the class in maths, drew pictures like a 7 year old at age 3, wrote chapter books with punctuation in reception, learnt musical instruments with ease. You name it, he could do it. This was completely without any pushing from myself or DH - we have another DC who is much more academically ‘normal’ and have treated them both the same.
I couldn’t help but have extremely high hopes and dreams for DS who is now 16. But although he’s still very bright he’s also quite lazy so achieves above average but nothing like when he was little. I sometimes wonder if I should have been more pushy about made sure he pushed himself but I’m just not that type of parent.
I feel bad for feeling like this, I know IABU and obviously I do massively appreciate the fact that DS is doing pretty well academically, has lots of friends a good social life and is happy. But part of me can’t help but feel just a bit disappointed that he didn’t grow up to be the genius I thought he would.

I always have a little chuckle to myself when I see the kinds of posts about little rufus being top of his class and being bored because he’s not being challenged enough😀

Parents with small children have got absolutely no idea what’s coming in the teenage years and how it’s going to affect them.

i’ve just witnessed it happening with a family member! 14, old son already going off piste and rebelling against his parental expectations!
I could see it coming a Mike off.

The trouble with being remarkable because you’re young is that eventually you’re not so young and it’s no longer remarkable.

I was a super bright child and an overperforming teenager.

People were so sure I'd do FANTASTICALLY at whatever I wanted to do that they forgot to give me any guidance in finding that out.

As such I succeeded a great deal in a career that ended up breaking my mental health, and I'm only now working on a set of goals that are for me.

Help your son work out what he WANTS to do, and he will be rich indeed.

Does he want to do a physical or a creative or a technical job? Does he want to work with spreadsheets or people or animals? Does he want to wfh or around the world or in London?

I am not sure that it is so much that the kids are on worth something if they are academic or bright, though that is certainly how it seems to be expressed.

What I see is more along the lines of people seeing a young child do something earlier than their peers, and then extrapolating that out across a lifetime as an expectation.

The flip side to that is that if a person were to start a thread and state that their child is perfectly average in every way with no exceptional talent, that does not excel at anything, they would get ripped to shreds for being awful horrible parents, damaging their childs self esteem...when in reality, with very few exceptions, nobodies kids are truly exceptional. Its just that a lot of parents can't handle the truth that their child is just not special.

Just be grateful he's happy. If you read the other thread on here it puts a pretty different light on things.

I was that child OP but I was lazy. When it stopped coming easy to me I stopped trying. It wasn’t that I was less capable, I just didn’t bother. My mother was one of the “well a c is a pass” types so I aimed to pass and no more which took zero effort. It was only in adulthood I realised I was still an A student and how easy it would have been for me to have done well as a child/teen. The thing is. I’ve done some amazing things, worked in enviable industries at a young age. I’ve had experiences and opportunities other people only dream of and none of that would have happened had I been the straight A student I was capable of being back then. Sometimes I regret not knuckling down as a kid so I could be high up in my chosen career but some people are never meant to be rich and successful in terms of career climbing or finances. I’ve had many amazing jobs and I think I’m good with that life experience.

your son will do what’s right for him when it’s right for him. You just have to sit back and let him get there with love and support

Not disappointed, just sad and worried. My eldest daughter was so academically gifted as a young child. She's now 18 and diagnosed autistic, has no qualifications and can't look after herself well enough to be independent. She won't talk, can't cook, can't manage a bank account and spends 99% of her day in a darkened room, in front of a computer. I love her, but I'd give anything for her to be 'normal'. If one more person tells me that children with special needs are a gift, I'll punch them.

I think you've had a bit of a hard time.
This is much more about you questioning your role than your DS' abilities tbh. You're wondering if you didn't push him enough or micro-manage him enough and if that has affected his prospects. I think most parents have those questions and doubts. It's hard to tell when you're pushing too much or not enough or just right. It's like Goldilocks.
I struggle with this for with my own DC. They are bright but lack organisation. It's a constant tightrope of how much to jolly them along or let them find their own path.

Exactly this. I know several young people who have suffered severe depression and mental health problems, and two who took their own lives because of the high expectations from their parents, and the finger wagging and head shaking of disappointment when they didn't measure up.

The 'top' few universities in this country, have a high percentage of anxiety, and higher-than-normal suicide rates, because of how they are expected to be top-tier, high achievers.

This thread is repugnant and vile. Shame on you for starting it @meanmama and shame on anyone who agrees with you!

I have always been a tremendous cheerleader for my sons. Each one of them was special, brilliant, handsome, kind and they could do anything they wanted if they put their mind to it. It took me a while to realize life doesn't always work like that. Each one of them are those things and more but they are absolutely on their own paths. Once in early high school when my oldest was struggling a little academically I was cheering him on on how he can do so much better that that, etc. He turned to me and said "Mom, will you still love me if I turn out to be average?" He was completely serious. It stopped me in my tracks. It really changed how I parented. I had been giving them the message that I loved them more if they were the best at everything.

I had a "pushy" mum. I won't bore you with the details but suffice to say I had an awful stressful childhood, suffered mental health issues, struggle now as an adult to feel happy or enjoy myself (as those activities/feelings were discouraged and seen as pointless when everything was about working hard all the time at things you didn't enjoy). I don't have a good relationship with my mum now and hardly speak to her.

YABU

I was gifted at primary, won a scholarship to secondary, where I won all the prizes (and was also sporty). Got into a 'top' uni. But my parents genuinely never pushed me and just wanted me to be happy so I think I was better equipped for the real world than a lot of my peers. I spent a lot of time in the bar, played some sport, had great friends. These days I have a nice job but nothing stellar or well paid, mostly because the sacrifices required for the big jobs didn't appeal to me. I sometimes feel like I didn't fulfil early potential, but I also think I'm a lot happier than some of the 'successes' I went to school and uni with (and given my background there's quite a few of those). Contentment is the only goal in life worth pursuing on a personal level.

No, I could never be disappointed in any of my dc.
Dd1 was on the gifted and talented register (what ever that is), she started reeding at nursery, was always top of the class, got level 9’s in her GCSE’s, she’s now about to sit her A levels but isn’t predicted A*’s (but close). She’s secured a place at uni but not a top uni. I’m proud of how well she has done but at the end of the day if she ends up working in a supermarket I will still be proud, if she drops out of uni I will still be proud.

My son was happy, charming, go with the flow, gregarious as a child. At 18 he is full of self doubt, super critical, feels in a rut and is so very angry. I'm hoping he will find his way and become the kind loving outgoing young man he is meant to be.
Your child will be what he is meant to be.

I just want all of my DC to be happy and average. Good mental health you just cannot put a price on.

If one of my DC wants to be a roofer or a joiner, or plumber, I would be fine as long as it's what they want. Nothing wrong with apprenticeship schemes. Many of my relatives work in the trades.

As others have said, being a genius comes with its own set of problems.

This is depressing. I was super bright as a kid, went to a super clever secondary school and floundered. Got mediocre GCSEs, kicked out of the clever school, went to college and got shitty a level results, pretty much a total failure. And I assume my mother is disappointed in me too. Fucking useless.

Obviously this is a different situation though. I have these worries for my son who’s autistic. I want him to have a happy life and of course it will make me sad if he can’t function for himself and experience ‘normal’ life activities.

But to say you’re sad because your child isn’t living up to some super academic expectations? That’s just daft. If your child is doing well in school and is happy and you’re disappointed they haven’t achieved highly enough, that’s not the same as feeling worried and sad about a disabled child that can’t function as an adult.

Again, what does "not living up to their potential" even mean?

A child starts playing violin at 2. Doesn't really excel in academics, but isn't bad either. just pretty average, but by 16 is seated first chair in a local symphony. Then goes away to Uni. Seated first chair in the Uni symphony, plays with regional symphony as third chair over breaks. Gets a degree in teaching, and ends up teaching 6 year olds and never touches the violin again.

Is that "not living up to their potential"?

@Waxonwaxoff0

of course those things are important too. But it’s silly to pretend that doing well at school isn’t important as well.

It sounds like he will be extremely successful. Speaking as someone who entirely prioritised academic over interpersonal and has no career to speak of despite glowing results!

I completely agree with you @BattenburgDonkey. A happy, healthy child who has a secure job they love.

It isn't, necessarily. It all depends on what you want out of life and what type of work you want to do.

My ex husband earns £60k a year and has no education past GCSE level.

I think that disappointment is just a function of growing up and only having one life to live.

A baby has the potential to be anything, or do anything. They could cure cancer, or be an astronaut, or win an Oscar, or win an Olympic medal. Realistically though, 99.9999999999999% of people won't manage any of those things, and even the most exceptionally talented and lucky could probably only manage one of them.

(With the exception of Kobe Bryant who won an Oscar and an Olympic medal. But he hasn't been an astronaut.)

@LuckySantangelo35 what is slightly silly is you and many others failing to realise its many things and qualities that carry you through a career it's not just how intelligent you are at school FFS.

There is a difference between not doing well at school and doing poorly at school.