Is anyone else slightly disappointed their DC didn’t turn out to be quite as amazing as I thought they were when they were little?

[meanmama]

DS was naturally very academically advanced at an early age. He basically taught himself to read, was years ahead of the rest of the class in maths, drew pictures like a 7 year old at age 3, wrote chapter books with punctuation in reception, learnt musical instruments with ease. You name it, he could do it. This was completely without any pushing from myself or DH - we have another DC who is much more academically ‘normal’ and have treated them both the same.
I couldn’t help but have extremely high hopes and dreams for DS who is now 16. But although he’s still very bright he’s also quite lazy so achieves above average but nothing like when he was little. I sometimes wonder if I should have been more pushy about made sure he pushed himself but I’m just not that type of parent.
I feel bad for feeling like this, I know IABU and obviously I do massively appreciate the fact that DS is doing pretty well academically, has lots of friends a good social life and is happy. But part of me can’t help but feel just a bit disappointed that he didn’t grow up to be the genius I thought he would.

Anyone else got the song Numb in their head right now? Might be worth listening to it again if you're disappointed in your children.

Very true

@OvOvO

WTF? Why? WHHYYY would anyone do a FIVE YEAR degree course at uni, and then jack it in just a few weeks before graduating? Makes not one jot of sense. They'd have been 99% of the way through the degree.

I feel similar - though mine is only 11. He's very clever, but now only does the minimum required of him, and that is with a lot of complaint. His father is the same. I can't get my head round it - I worked really hard. I'm determined not to stress about - motivation has to come from within and can't be forced.

WTF? Why? WHHYYY would anyone do a FIVE YEAR degree course at uni, and then jack it in just a few weeks before graduating? Makes not one jot of sense. They'd have been 99% of the way through the degree.

There's obviously a reason. Whether it's they feel they're about to fail (or will fail), something devastating has happened to them, they're unwell in some way. Of course it would make sense to the person dropping out. They just may not have told their parents the reason (when I was at university my parents were very overbearing so I didn't tell them anything)

Yes. My mum. I was considered a 'gifted child' and went to some sort of special classes for it. Could read 'fluently' at 3, large vocabulary etc. By the age of about 8, I was merely 'clever' and by 11 the bright side of average. I got a reasonable set of exam results and a mediocre degree from an average uni and am now moderately successful in an average sort of career.
She never ever let on she was disappointed, but often spoke about how remarkable I was as a child. In all honesty, I was just a fairly bright only child, who spent a lot of time in the company of very attentive adults who talked to me and taught me a lot from an early age.

I think this is a parents own projection here. What do you do OP? Are you happy with your own job role? Interesting that you mentioned that DS should follow his dad's footpath and not your own... I also think perhaps some kids are not as gifted as their parents may THINK!

There’s a thread on here where the OP’s 18 year old son is on life support after a suicide attempt, following terrible mental health. You need to count your blessings, as do we all, that our children are happy and healthy.

The sentiment of this thread is gross. You’re talking about a bloody person, who is so much more than some theoretical academic ability. Love your children for who they are, not what you think they should be.

I've posted earlier referring to a heartbreaking concurrent thread about a suicidal child others have also referred to. The loss of a child is devastating, whether or not they are a genius. I'd like to add that the best thing I remember my father (of academic bent) did for me, when I rang him when I was panicking about my Final exams at what was considered a prestigious university in the Seventies, was his telling me: "I don't mind what results you get, as long as you're happy". That helped me so much and I hope I passed that expectation on to my only child - except I hope they don't feel a failure if they're not happy!

This is a brilliant post!! It should be highlighted on this site for us all to read and remind ourselves 👏

This is the truth

I totally can understand the disappointment aspect.

On mumsnet so many of us have worked really hard, sacrificed a lot in their twenties, gone to uni and done lots of extra qualifications/training etc after uni, pushed themselves and took themselves out of their comfort zone etc.

A lot on mumsnet now as a result of that graft will own their own property and be financially comfortable etc so I totally get out how weird it might be when your offspring coast along in their education or work, never pushing themselves or getting out of their comfort zone and as a result have very little money, little chance of buying their own property etc etc.

I’d probably lose a bit of respect for them if it were me. I do think you have to sacrifice a bit in your twenties to get the life you want in your thirties and beyond

Your OP could have been written about my DS. He coasted through GCSE's with very little effort but came unstuck at AS levels through lack of effort (which doesn't work beyond GCSE even for bright children). Scraped into a RG uni but dropped out at end of 1st year as he struggled - no doubt due to lack of effort again.
He took a year out and went to a different uni to do a completely different subject. Graduated with a 1st, then did a Masters and got a distinction. We never pushed him, just supported and encouraged. We took the same approach with job hunting too, whilst always insisting that he needed to work and earn even if it wasn't the job he wanted - no job is beneath him. He is now doing a job totally unrelated to his degree which he chose to apply for and is enjoying it. He sees it as a CV building job but we are proud because he did it without any pressure from us.
I'm sure your DS will find his own way in the end even if it involves some failure along the way.

Based on your description of him as a child, he probably does have a very high IQ. However, 16 is not necessarily his zenith. He still has many years to prove you wrong and I guarantee he will. My oldest friend and my brother were both quite exceptionally bright as you I kids and then were both quite naughty underachievers as teens before finally coming into their own as adults. Both of them now have PhDs and one is the founder and owner of a green energy company!

Academic excellence, doesn’t always guarantee a successful career. I have two DS, DS1 very bright got his exams, did well at college, he is a talented person, at sports etc. DS2 left school, only passed one exam, didn’t go to college, he is so hard working, a great problem solver, works in a skilled area of tech, very proud of what he has achieved. Never meet anyone as driven and prepared to do whatever it takes to get the job done.

I did fantastically well academically at school and uni (all the As, a first, top of my year graduating in an Oxbridge science degree, scholarships dad dah dah). I also generally enjoyed it - definitely no 'gifted but troubled' story here.

My career is middling. My marriage is fine-but-not-stellar. We're fine financially but not excitingly rich. My children are happy and do well academically but not winning prizes. I basically have a normal life.

Sometimes I feel like a failure just because of all these expectations that I'd "do well". What was I meant to do? I'm not famous, I haven't won my MBE, I haven't discovered anything or published anything or climbed Everest or lead the country through covid or secured wealth for generations to come. I'm happy but average?

Is anyone else frustrated with NHS approach to tongue tie treatment?

I'm in Derbyshire and have second child with tongue tie - both resulting in painful breastfeeding despite advice/help/practise on positions and enabling a deep latch.

For the first (pre COVID) it took two months to be referred and then a few weeks for the procedure.

This time it was identified in hospital and referred but 3 weeks later I haven't heard anything and every midwife I have spoken to have indicated that the waiting list is ridiculously long. This leaves the option of dropping breastfeeding or going private.

I'm curious how good/bad it is in different areas of the country. Apparently it is not a 'commisioned' service in Derby, meaning the hospital is not obligated to provide a service within any timescale (hence the push to go private and long waiting lists).

Nah I'm not really bothered about tongue tie 😀

This also seems to be a variant of the 1-5 Star rating system that is all the rage.

3 stars which is bang in the middle, completely average, normal...is viewed as a failure. Anything less than 5 stars needs to be figured out where things went wrong.

With 5 stars being the expectation, there is no room for true excellence, only room for failure.

The poor mother on the other thread was the first person I thought of when I read this post too.

YABU OP, your son is happy and that is the main thing.

I think you need to repost your question in its own thread. It's ended up in the middle of another discussion.
Hope you find the answers you need.

He's 16. He's doing above average in school. He's switched-on, sociable, pleasant, healthy... who are you talking about here? Because it's not the OP's son.

Mine are still little yet but I know my dad feels this way about my sister. She was used to doing next to no work and getting high grades but that just didn't work at uni because of the sheer breadth of knowledge you get tested on. She dropped out, moved onto another degree and then just scraped a pass. She is in a lower paid job than the rest of us and has moved back home with her dh and child to save for a deposit. Dad is disappointed that she didn't live up to her capability but she never really learnt to work hard before uni as she'd always coasted.

It's not unreasonable to feel the way that you do you aren't thinking or feeling that way for yourself but rather your child.

It's embarrassing how many people on MN think their children are only worth something if they're "academic" or "bright." No one seems to give a damn about their DC being happy, or good people, or kind. It's ALL about how well they do at school. Awful.