Is anyone else slightly disappointed their DC didn’t turn out to be quite as amazing as I thought they were when they were little?

[meanmama]

DS was naturally very academically advanced at an early age. He basically taught himself to read, was years ahead of the rest of the class in maths, drew pictures like a 7 year old at age 3, wrote chapter books with punctuation in reception, learnt musical instruments with ease. You name it, he could do it. This was completely without any pushing from myself or DH - we have another DC who is much more academically ‘normal’ and have treated them both the same.
I couldn’t help but have extremely high hopes and dreams for DS who is now 16. But although he’s still very bright he’s also quite lazy so achieves above average but nothing like when he was little. I sometimes wonder if I should have been more pushy about made sure he pushed himself but I’m just not that type of parent.
I feel bad for feeling like this, I know IABU and obviously I do massively appreciate the fact that DS is doing pretty well academically, has lots of friends a good social life and is happy. But part of me can’t help but feel just a bit disappointed that he didn’t grow up to be the genius I thought he would.

Bit hypocritical expecting your offspring to be high flying geniuses, no?

Why ? Still does not devalue my points, why do people insist that you have to be perfect before offering perspectives of x, ? Just because one does not do x but they say x does not make them any less wrong ?

This is a huge part of the problem also. Trade work and other important fields are so looked down on/seen as disappointing because they’re paid so poorly and undervalued. Same with childcare/nursing home work/caring for elderly or disabled people. Underpaid and undervalued so seen as ‘disappointing.’ Jobs for the less-than people, not the special clever people. And I can slightly see how it gets to that because I would encourage my kids not to do those jobs too - simply because I’ve done them myself and know how difficult it is to work so so hard for so so little in return!

Why? Because I think it is hypocritical to demand your offspring are academic high achievers when you are unable to spell, understand what etc is short for, or indeed string a coherent sentence together. Unless you are completely pissed, in which case I completely retract my comment.

He's happy. Why would you want anything else than that?

Fair point, I'm hypocritical, what's your analysis ?

At the end of the day, my points are still valid, a mind is a terrible thing to waste. And why settle for partying, etc when you can achieve more.

Heaven forbid how society would be if the motto was enjoy wine, be happy and enjoy yourselves, forget about the big ideas etc,

He's only 16 so he he's hardly started to grow up. Plenty of time to be a genius in years to come....if that's what he decides to do.

Your son is alive and happy.
Be grateful for that.

How awful to feel like this about your normal, happy, healthy child .

This isn't the first thread I've seen like this though .

I'm never sure whether the OP is on a wind up or if it's a stealth boast.

Agree.

Children tend to be lazy. I am. Left to my own devices I'd be on my phone or surfing the net all day. Why would my dcs be any different?

I see my job as a parent to push my children if I think they can work harder. There is a cultural aspect to this.

There seems to be this mindset on this thread (UK-centric) that children are happiest if parents have no expectations of them. What about showing children what they can be capable of if they try harder and for them to get satisfaction and confidence from achievement. How great can a child feel when they can see their peers excelling and they don't. There is a strong correlation between hard work and achievement. It is the Matthew effect. Success begets success. Success brings choices. Children are too young to realise that and sometimes it is too late by the time they wake up. I believe in my dcs which is why I seek to understand their strengths and steer them in directions that optimise their individual potential.

Interesting read especially as Dh and his family are the inverse of this!. Dh always been very driven did as well as it is possible to do academically got to Cambridge and now has a prestigious professional job. His parents who left school at 16 and are manual workers seem utterly baffled by him and to this day don’t seem to fully realise how well he’s done!

when my mother gushed how proud they must me fil response was “well he never gave us any trouble”. That’s as far as he will go with his praise! Guess they cannot be accused of pushiness !

I do massively appreciate the fact that DS is doing pretty well academically, has lots of friends a good social life and is happy

Good because you should, I'd give anything for my dd to have this.

Glad this thread has given you a little perspective OP. I'm guilty of feeling a bit like you as I also have a bright but lazy DS.

One look at the thread of the mum at her son's bedside made me realise that happy, healthy and sociable is what we should aspire for our kids to achieve.

There are so many kids out there with mental health issues who are struggling that I thank my lucky stars that mine is blessed with a sunny, carefree nature above all else.

@museumum I was the same, but I wonder if it's a case of progressing until you reach your peak

I should of expanded on what I ment, for day to day interactions like the poem describes, that I would say could be argued that it does not merit the history books as it's normal human interactions etc, but e.g. Being academic, a high achiever, an engineer, ect has the potential to make history and Mark their name in the history books for e.g. X invention, or x study of the human psychological perspectives for e.g. Business etc

@Hawkins001 many, many people who ‘make the history books’ did not do well at school or were told they’d never amount to anything in life. People who do radical, groundbreaking things or have the big, innovative ideas don’t always (dare I even say, don’t usually) get there by keeping their heads down and doing what they’re told.

I mentor 16-17 year olds and it breaks my heart how stressed they always are, thinking that they MUST have their whole lives figured out at that age and that if they don’t get top grades they’ve ruined their future prospects forever. I know so many adults who did badly at school but then went on to have brilliant careers, maybe even returning to GCSEs and A levels later in life to pick up the qualifications they missed out on at school, if they decide they need them later. I remember telling one of my mentees that my friend in his 30s was doing his Maths GCSE now because he needed it for work, and her face was one of total shock. She had absolutely no idea that was even an option and was so so worried that if she failed maths, doors would be closed to her forever.

Of course doing the best you can at school gives you certain opportunities earlier in life and makes some things easier but there’s more than one way to be successful, and some people take a more meandering path, and that’s ok.

@MysteriousMonkey

These days do we just have to be happy and grateful our kids are not suicidal? That seems to be setting the bar pretty low for most young people. And I say most because I do recognise that some people do have mental health disorders which has been the case for many years.

That wasn’t even a thought process when I was teen, it was expected I would be a good person, kind, work hard and apply myself etc, the basic function of keeping myself alive wasn’t something to be happy, grateful for, if you see what I mean. Surely most young people are today are not so fragile that more can’t be expected of them?

But the boy is doing all that. As said above, obviously nobody is going to say it’s absolutely fine for a teen to sit around doing absolutely nothing and failing all their classes. But this boy is doing well in school and is happy and sociable. He is a ‘good person’ and is achieving decent grades.

@Kanaloa

Agreed, don’t think it applies to this particular young person.
was speaking more in general.

His life's not over yet, OP!

I've known plenty of very academic children crumble in their teens, and not have the high-achieving teens and twenties that their hopeful parents envisaged. The raw mental ability was there, but not the resilience or social skills or all the other equally important factors for success.

Your son is actually better off than that - he's happy and popular, and it's only the academic side that he's taken his eye off for now. That's much easier to pick back up again.

The Thread has spoken.

Got to keep those tall poppies down. Can't have them or you getting above your station and risking them not fitting in with everybody else.

Totally agree. It's so incredibly offensive to describe disabilities as a gift. It really belittles the enormous amounts of effort many of us have to put in to achieve very average results when it comes to daily life and getting by. I would give anything to be neurotypical. Yes, I have above average intelligence and academic capability, but what good is that, really, if everyday life is such a slog? The hairdresser I go to is always super cheerful and happy, nothing gets her down, she gets on with everybody and just really enjoys life. She did badly at school but she's found a job she loves and is good at. I'd much rather be her.

@NeverDropYourMooncup

what do you mean?

This makes me feel terribly sad OP. trigger warning ahead
I was your child. I was reading early, well ahead of my peers academically and wrote my first novel when I was 12.
I found the pressure to constantly over-achieve relentless and was actively suicidal for most of my teen years.
My parents were and are constantly disappointed in me.
I am a published author (no Grisham by any means though), have a job that pays well and a wonderful little family. Yet I constantly feel like I will never meet their expectations. I just want my parents to acknowledge and accept me.
If your child is happy and healthy, then that is enough. More than enough. Tell him how proud you are of him and mean it. It will feed his soul.

Basically that it's seen as wrong via some, that if you want your dc to achieve more and be better than they are, ect.

I just want my kids to be happy but part of that is not assuming that them sitting playing PlayStation and not achieving but happy will set them up for a happy adult life.

A happy adult life involves freedom to choose their work (doing well at school sets that up), ability to make money and not have to stress about finances all the time (doing well at school sets that up), having a healthy body (doing the sports even when not in the mood sets that up) and feeling safe, loved and supported (that’s on me as their parent for the rest of my life).

so no, my kids aren’t allowed to play PlayStation all day just because it makes them happy. They aren’t allowed to eat crap just because it makes them happy and they’re not allowed to not bother with school just because they’d rather do other things.