Is anyone else slightly disappointed their DC didn’t turn out to be quite as amazing as I thought they were when they were little?

[meanmama]

DS was naturally very academically advanced at an early age. He basically taught himself to read, was years ahead of the rest of the class in maths, drew pictures like a 7 year old at age 3, wrote chapter books with punctuation in reception, learnt musical instruments with ease. You name it, he could do it. This was completely without any pushing from myself or DH - we have another DC who is much more academically ‘normal’ and have treated them both the same.
I couldn’t help but have extremely high hopes and dreams for DS who is now 16. But although he’s still very bright he’s also quite lazy so achieves above average but nothing like when he was little. I sometimes wonder if I should have been more pushy about made sure he pushed himself but I’m just not that type of parent.
I feel bad for feeling like this, I know IABU and obviously I do massively appreciate the fact that DS is doing pretty well academically, has lots of friends a good social life and is happy. But part of me can’t help but feel just a bit disappointed that he didn’t grow up to be the genius I thought he would.

I must admit, you have a good analysis, and I agree that some of my research has confirmed the autodidact method that some historical people have used.

It's not about encouraging your children not to do their best. It's about making sure they're living the life they want- not the life you want for them.

Both my older siblings were like the children described on here. Reading chapter books before school, talented at sport and everything they did. Everyone expected them to excel. They both rebelled massively in different ways because they couldn't cope with the pressure. One is dead (alcohol/ suicide) the other didn't finish university, was unemployed for years and now works in a basic admin role.

Mediocre old me, couldn't read at 5, scraped through GCSEs plodded on through life and has a half decent job, family, house etc. nothing exceptional but leading a happy life.

Give your children the best start in life you can, give them opportunities to explore talents and things they love but don't push them to be the people you want. Let them become themselves.

so no, my kids aren’t allowed to play PlayStation all day just because it makes them happy. They aren’t allowed to eat crap just because it makes them happy and they’re not allowed to not bother with school just because they’d rather do other things.

A few posters on the thread have done this. Employed this silly hyperbole of ‘oh so kids should just be allowed to sit around playing PlayStation and eating junk food?’

Literally nobody is saying that. They’re saying that expecting a child to be exceptional because they did well at school in infants is ridiculous. And feeling ‘disappointed’ with a child who is doing well in school, is happy, and has friends and is a pleasant young man to be around is just daft. This isn’t about expecting nothing from your children.

And obviously nobody is suggesting kids should ‘not bother with school.’ They’re suggesting that not all kids will be geniuses. And doing well in school is great but being super academic isn’t everybody’s path.

Some kids develop more quickly intellectually than average but that doesn't mean they'll end up more than average intellectually as adults. I was an "early bloomer"; exceptional at primary level, very good during GCSEs, good at A levels, above average at undergrad and then decidedly average at PhD. I'm decidedly average now too, if not a bit thick.

A happy adult life involves freedom to choose their work (doing well at school sets that up), ability to make money and not have to stress about finances all the time (doing well at school sets that up), having a healthy body (doing the sports even when not in the mood sets that up) and feeling safe, loved and supported (that’s on me as their parent for the rest of my life).

So if you don't do well at school and have crap parents your doomed then I guess.

These days do we just have to be happy and grateful our kids are not suicidal?

Frankly yes.

I think it's completely fine for a mother to mourn the fact that her child may not have fulfilled his or her potential. It's just a thought, not a condemnation of their life. Everyone has hopes and dreams for their children, reflecting on them is fine.

This.

Some children develop the other skills needed to be able to acquire skills early.

It's doesn't mean overall intelligence is higher but perhaps their emotional intelligence developed early, or the muscle groups needed for fine motor etc.

The ceiling age for reading is 16. Not many people realise this. So usually by the time they get to GCSEs all children read at the same level unless they have a specific difficulty in reading.

Wow.your poor son.

I think it's completely fine for a mother to mourn the fact that her child may not have fulfilled his or her potential.

Disappointed yes but 'mourn' really ?? Having just read the devastating thread about the loss of an 18 year old this is in very poor taste.

I’m the opposite. I’m not disappointed, I’m delighted. My DS was very advanced in primary school, particularly in maths, but he wasn’t very happy. He found school boring and was climbing the walls without enough challenge. It made him depressed. I even home educated him for a term and a half.

Then he got to secondary school, an outstanding comp, and I only had to ask for more challenging maths work for him once. He wasn’t at the very top of top maths set, there were a couple of others who were better. And all the other subjects were more challenging too. He was much happier. He didn’t stand out as especially gifted.

He got all 8s and 9s at GCSE and is on track for all As and A*s at A-level. He wants to be a doctor. When he was little I imagined him doing a maths degree but he’s grown into his own person and he’s much happier now.

A happy adult life involves freedom to choose their work (doing well at school sets that up)

@Therealpink this is true of course, but I also found that as a high-achieving child (academically) it was made clear to me that certain career paths wouldn’t be acceptable. I was discouraged, by both school and parents, from talking certain A-level subjects that I really enjoyed because they weren’t ‘academic’ enough to get me into Oxbridge. One girl left my school to pursue a career as a makeup artist, which she has done very successfully and makes a very good living from now, but I remember all the mutterings from teachers and parents at the time about what a ‘waste’ of her education it was. I found that so sad, a good education should give you more opportunities, not drive you down a path where you feel your only options are to be a doctor/lawyer/accountant.

You don't need a reality check at all. It is a perfectly legitimate thread to discuss.
There isn't one parent who doesn't want their child to be happy so it's not about that. There isn't one parent who doesn't want their child to be healthy so we can presume that too.
My interpretation is you see a child with potential who chooses not to work. OP lives in the real world and knows the direct link to salaries and being able to afford rent/mortgage.
All anyone wants is for them to really work hard now in school because it opens up so many options later in life. You don't want them to regret not doing the work between 14-18 which prevents them from having an occupation later in life which needs the qualifications they didn't work for.
It has nothing to do with disabilities or the gratitude of being happy. It's a tough world out there and at that age you can pave the way for it to be a bit less tough with more career options. This is just my opinion though. I'm not commenting on children that have suffered with anxiety or depression or mental illness. Just sticking to the original OP and they shouldn't be made to feel bad about it.

I think it's an effect of an education system that tries to get everyone doing the same stuff. I also think it's interesting that he hasn't self-started - some say home ed kids (I home ed) will naturally learn and push themselves through innate curiosity, but I think this isn't true unless they're very driven naturally. The environment matters. I say this as a parent of a kid who was super mathsy. He still is, but he would much rather use the speed of his brain and his learning capacity for video games. I think all humans are this way, mostly!

I should also add, I haven't looked into it myself but a fellow pupil at my child's old school was gifted all rounder, his parents sought for him to be moved up a yr group, school resisted - they said research shows moving kids up and out of their peer grp can cause mental health issues later. Cleverness becomes their ID and can be their undoing if they fail at things later, etc. However, the kid was so bored and obnoxious about it they gave him harder work anyway, so y'know, again, it depends. But also, he's got his whole life to realise what makes him tick, we don't stop learning as adults. It'll serve him one way or another.

@KarmaStar

I dunno, I take that as a given really

My DC did it the opposite way -pretty average as a young child until about 9 (although always a good reader and above average in maths), then from about year 5 onwards became much more ‘academic’ and ended up w great GCSEs and A levels. Isn’t using any of that now really which is sad, but they’re doing what they want to do.
They did point out that I wanted them to do well because I wasn’t academic and wanted them to fulfil their potential - which I can’t deny.

@lollipoprainbow

i dunno, I take that as a given really. Of course you would be happy and grateful your dc aren’t suicidal - but I don’t buy that that is all that most parents expect or hope for their offspring. Financial security for example is one thing surely most parents want for their kids unless they’re are happy for their son or daughter to live with them until they’re about 35…

My DM was a primary school teacher (now retired).

When my DS was little and struggling at school she was very sanguine whilst I was really worried.

She said in her experience, children's academic performance is rarely linear. Yes you do get very gifted children who stay on a constant "overachiever" trajectory but it's quite rare.

She taught thousands of children over her career and (because it was a small community) saw the outcomes where many children who aren't superstars in primary go on to blossom at secondary and Uni and vice versa.

Her hypothesis is that each stage of "learning" requires different cognitive skills and being good at those that equip you well at one stage don't necessarily assist you at another. For example being able to easily retain information that might help you do a primary school test doesn't mean you'll be great at the analysis of that data you need to be able to do in higher education.

It's obviously anecdotal but she was bang on re: DS and having really struggled academically until he hit GCSE years he's flourished at each stage and is on track for a first class degree at a top 10 ranked UK Uni.

Op has he done his GCSEs?
He doesn't have to set the world alight but one surely hopes he in a good school that's nurtured his potential?

Bread in captivity I sort of agree but I would always be concerned about any child that is struggling and encourage parents to find out why and how to support them.

I wonder how many adults feel like they’ve ‘fulfilled their potential’ from their primary school days? I’m going to guess not many!

Yawn

I could read, mostly self taught, from the age of 3. I'm very average academically and have a pretty average job. Not a high flyer at all. As a result when any parent talks about how bright their young child is because they could do XYZ before they started school, I have to hide my smile. It means very little.

Funnily enough out of all my friends at school, the one who earns the most now and is doing best at her career, was also very average academically.

There's more than one measure of success BTW

@lollipoprainbow semantics. I obviously didn't mean mourn in that sense, I meant feel a bit disappointed, feel bad etc. You get the gist.