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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is anyone else slightly disappointed their DC didn’t turn out to be quite as amazing as I thought they were when they were little?

282 replies

meanmama · 27/05/2022 16:29

DS was naturally very academically advanced at an early age. He basically taught himself to read, was years ahead of the rest of the class in maths, drew pictures like a 7 year old at age 3, wrote chapter books with punctuation in reception, learnt musical instruments with ease. You name it, he could do it. This was completely without any pushing from myself or DH - we have another DC who is much more academically ‘normal’ and have treated them both the same.
I couldn’t help but have extremely high hopes and dreams for DS who is now 16. But although he’s still very bright he’s also quite lazy so achieves above average but nothing like when he was little. I sometimes wonder if I should have been more pushy about made sure he pushed himself but I’m just not that type of parent.
I feel bad for feeling like this, I know IABU and obviously I do massively appreciate the fact that DS is doing pretty well academically, has lots of friends a good social life and is happy. But part of me can’t help but feel just a bit disappointed that he didn’t grow up to be the genius I thought he would.

OP posts:
User48751490 · 27/05/2022 16:57

vdbfamily · 27/05/2022 16:54

My ' gifted and talented' primary school DD completely fell apart acedemically at secondary school, tried to do A levels in lockdown, was diagnosed with ADHD just after and now medicated is going to Uni in September. I am proud that she achieved as much as she did with untreated ADHD. I think her amazing ADHD brain was misinterpreted at primary.

Glad your daughter is making a success of her life and has the treatment she needs 👍

We are looking for the assessment to be done asap so DS doesn't slide academically as he goes through primary school. Waiting game now 🤞

WalkerWalking · 27/05/2022 17:00

You still might find that if he's picked A Levels that he's really keen on, then he might pick up steam again next year. It's not uncommon for bright boys to underperform at GCSE.

FlissyPaps · 27/05/2022 17:00

YABU.

Being “academically gifted” is not the be-all and end-all of life. Far from it.

You sound like you have very high expectations for him. Try and drop them a little. You say he is now “lazy”. But most teenagers are lazy. Could you expand on that? What does he do that makes him lazy? Is he much different to the average lazy teenager?

As long as your son is happy and healthy that should be it. That should make him amazing. Not his “gifted” abilities or being a “genius”.

Please take a look at yourself. I’m sorry but your OP really is awful. Imagine how sad your son would feel if he knew you was disappointed in him for not being a genius.

Newgirls · 27/05/2022 17:03

I imagine he will find his thing as an adult and who knows what that will be? It’s easy to tick off success with reading books, scales, oxbridge?! etc and then it all gets a bit random and that’s the fun isn’t it?

Benjispruce4 · 27/05/2022 17:04

YABVU You have a happy, intelligent child.
He will always have his brain and it’s his choice if he decides to try harder for more reward. Be grateful.

BlackandBlueBird · 27/05/2022 17:04

User48751490 · 27/05/2022 16:47

Yep. Possibly looking at a DS who may have ADHD. Life much more stressful than we ever imagined. You don't see that when carrying a wee baby home from hospital....

I know how you feel. I’m not disappointed in him, not in the slightest. He’s AMAZING. But I’m very worried for him.

Im also not disappointed in my other two DC, though they’re much younger than the OP’s.

I guess my parents might be disappointed in me if they were still alive. I was that very precocious kids who breezed through school and Uni and walked straight into a very highly paid job. But I hated the job and now I’m a SAHM by choice, which is brilliant. It would bother them that I’m not using my brain. Funnily enough the academic pressure they put on me and my brother has made us both go the opposite way with our own DC.

OrangeBall · 27/05/2022 17:11

My kids are adults

Believe me adult life brings all sorts of challenges for dcs. On Mumsnet they seem to think once they get to 18, they are nothing to do with you. In reality, they are always your dcs.

Best you can hope for is that they are happy and healthy. Once they get to working/long term relationships/where can they live/money/pregnancy etc. come back to us and tell us how you still worry about how well they read when they were 7 :)

hitrewind · 27/05/2022 17:12

@TomAllenWife - is there any need for parents to say things like he "didn't turn out to be as amazing as I thought he was?"

Or "I'm disappointed that he didn’t grow up to be the genius I thought he would"?

What exactly is the disappointment?

She's doesn't focus her disappointment on the fact that he's not working harder - she's clear that the disappointment is that he's not 'a genius'.

There's no sign that she's disappointed for HIM – as she says, he's happy. Which means she's disappointed for herself.

And why would that be? Because him being 'amazing' reflected in some way on her.

You're probably right, my tone was harsher than it needed to be. But there's some really unpleasant undertones to this OP and it's not an unfamiliar narrative to those of us who were once in her son's shoes. It's worth being aware that if he ever heard or read this there's a good chance he'd respond the same way.

Bramshott · 27/05/2022 17:16

Maybe the problem is the label at a young age? Clearly a few kids have prodigious talent in one thing or another, but are most "gifted and talented" primary kids just kids for whom things have clicked academically a bit earlier than others? A bit like early walking babies/toddlers?

DisforDarkChocolate · 27/05/2022 17:17

Mine are all amazing in ways I could never have dreamed off, that is the joy of parenthood.

RedHelenB · 27/05/2022 17:18

meanmama · 27/05/2022 16:29

DS was naturally very academically advanced at an early age. He basically taught himself to read, was years ahead of the rest of the class in maths, drew pictures like a 7 year old at age 3, wrote chapter books with punctuation in reception, learnt musical instruments with ease. You name it, he could do it. This was completely without any pushing from myself or DH - we have another DC who is much more academically ‘normal’ and have treated them both the same.
I couldn’t help but have extremely high hopes and dreams for DS who is now 16. But although he’s still very bright he’s also quite lazy so achieves above average but nothing like when he was little. I sometimes wonder if I should have been more pushy about made sure he pushed himself but I’m just not that type of parent.
I feel bad for feeling like this, I know IABU and obviously I do massively appreciate the fact that DS is doing pretty well academically, has lots of friends a good social life and is happy. But part of me can’t help but feel just a bit disappointed that he didn’t grow up to be the genius I thought he would.

I think there's a lot to be said for being born bright and able to "coast". If he wants something , he's the brains to go and do the necessary to achieve it. If he just wants to "be" he can do that End of the day it's his life, to me all that matters is that my children are happy and aren't horrible people.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 27/05/2022 17:19

I can see where you're coming from but at least you had the years of smugly watching him excel...where DS is concerned I am always deeply relieved to hear "working within" Grin

Notaneffingcockerspaniel · 27/05/2022 17:19

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

CharSiu · 27/05/2022 17:24

DH is an actual genius, he is a Professor who has been involved with research that has the potential to save millions of lives. He has done something in the kitchen yesterday that means I can’t use it till the pipe work is sorted. He does my bloody head in sometimes.

Being a genius is not all it’s cracked up to be. His Mum told me how hard he was to parent when I was pregnant and pondering if our child would be like him. DS is more like me.

All I ever hoped for DS was that he would be happy and he currently is. He got stellar results at college but has decided to go in to a profession that helps people and isn’t renowned for its wage.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 27/05/2022 17:27

You son is a normal happy lad with enough intelligence to do whatever he wants in life if he puts his mind to it. What more could you want.

m true geniuses often have a tough time not fitting in. Would you want that for your child?

AnotherPoster · 27/05/2022 17:28

I've just come from the thread where a mother is sitting at her 18 year old's bedside waiting for his life support to be switched off. I don't mean to sound sanctimonious, I honestly don't, but really, if your son is happy and stable, that is enough to be proud of.

Nandocushion · 27/05/2022 17:29

Thing is that being "advanced" simply means that they are ahead of the other children, and not actually some kind of once-in-a-generation Mozart-style genius. DD was college-level reading in grade 5, which is great. But they don't test for above-college-level reading, do they? So by the time she's in college, others will be caught up to her. Sure, she may be more well-read than others by then, but it doesn't really mean a whole lot, and as PP have said, it doesn't mean she'll be happier.

IhatMMc · 27/05/2022 17:29

Absolutely not. My DC is the best person I've ever met. Clever, kind, handsome, popular, funny. I might be biased but it's all true!

StrawberrySquash · 27/05/2022 17:30

The thing is it does really matter that much how early a child learns to read. What matters is that they do. The early kid mostly just gets caught up.

pbdr · 27/05/2022 17:31

There is a strong association between genius level IQ and mental illness in adulthood. I'd much rather have a happy average achiever than a depressed genius.

Georgyporky · 27/05/2022 17:35

"he didn’t grow up to be the genius I thought he would."

16 isn't grown up.

DyingForACuppa · 27/05/2022 17:38

I think smart kids often work out they can be lazy and still do well so why work hard? Maybe he'll find something motivating/with working for, or maybe he'll be happy with an easy life.

Threestripesurout · 27/05/2022 17:39

He’s 16 ffs you can’t write him off yet!! Just like you shouldn’t have assumed he would be a wonder child/teen. At 16 I was a very average teen. I now have 2 degrees a diploma and a post grad and earn very well. But even that doesn’t define me to be honest @meanmama. if your DS is a good person at the end of the day does it really matter? That’s all I want for my dc…for them to be kind good ppl and to be happy.

pointythings · 27/05/2022 17:40

The brain is still there, he just hasn't found his thing yet. He's only 16.

I had two crazy bright DDs when little, then life happened. One is about to graduate uni in a field where finding work is going to be tough - but it's her passion, and until then she's working what she can get. The other is just finishing first year Uni but has developed major health issues and is now in a wheelchair. Neither will be Einstein, they're both amazing.

aftonwater · 27/05/2022 17:41

OP - he's 16. I think it's probably a bit too soon to call his academic achievements. My own dc are now in their mid 20's and their academic careers are littered with peaks and troughs.