Permanent exclusion-how do I find a new school that will take an excluded child?

[Alwaystoblame]

Posting for traffic.
How do I go about finding my Dd a new school if she's been permanently excluded? How likely are good schools to take her on in year 10 with an appalling attendance and behaviour record? She's very bright and doing very well academically when are bothers to go to class and do the homework. Attendance in in the 60s for this year. Even when she dies go in she is late and/or truants classes.
I have 2 previous threads about the issues she's having but I wanted to ask specifically about new schools without getting detailed.

I’ve read this thread op, and I’m in awe at your patience and tolerance.
I so hope for all your family there can be some improvement in your dd’s behaviour.
You sound like an amazing person.

Dd has now left college and is doing nothing. She and her dad are moving any day now and she has told me I am dead to her. I've not seen her since Christmas Day. She's not seen her grandmother or her brother since Christmas Day. She's still doing what she was arrested for and hasn't learnt a thing from that. She won't engage with services at all now. I don't know where the SW is up to because I've not heard from here but another agency involved are very concerned and were speaking to the SW last I knew. Other agency has no concerns about me or my parenting. I'm just awaiting to major drama that will accompany the house move. It's going to go nuclear I fear. Not here, but there and her dad's new gf that they are moving in with is going to wonder what the hell hit her.

Dd2 is much better than she was and little ds is pretty settled and happy now although I'm not taking it for granted.

@Alwaystoblame
Glad to hear that DD2 and DS are doing well.
You have to take solace from that.
There is nothing you can do about DD1. Leave that to her idiotic dad to deal with.
I hope you are doing as ok as you can and practicing a bit of self care for your own sanity.
Take care
Xx

The social worker has closed the case after doing fuck all. I'm really angry that after so many referrals that they've done exactly the same: nothing. They undetstand my concerns but case closed. It's a joke.

Have they said why they closed it? How old is your daughter now, am wondering if she's nearing 18 (if my maths are right?) Are they thinking of adult services more appropriate? Has she been engaging with the sw? What does she want or think she needs input wise?

I've just found this old thread and to update nothing has improved. She was kicked out of college and then off another course and was in court a month ago for shoplifting after being arrested in the spring. The sw is shite. Absolutely useless.

I'm sorry things are still do difficult.

Is she still living with her dad?

Did being in court have any impact on her?

Despite your user name, you are not to blame. She's making her own choices and sadly they are bad ones. Sometimes there's nothing more you can do.

@Alwaystoblame You've done all you can do. You know you have. Just focus on your other two children while you wait for her to grow up and see the light.

Honestly some time people who come from loving caring families go off the rails despite having lots of support. You've done everything you can for her and honesty there is no silver bullet that a social worker can use on her at this point in her life. You need to step back from her and focus on your other children whose lives you can influence.

@Alwaystoblame , I've always read your threads- did she move in/ away with dad as she planned? How are the other 2 getting on

Yes, she's still living with her dad and they are now living with his latest gf. ExH says he took on a damaged daughter and how parenting teens isn't easy. He's not looked at why she's damaged beyond it being my fault. He gf walked out and took the kids in the middle of the night two days ago but they are back together. She's not coping with exH or dd.
Dd wasn't bothered about being in court at all. A little nervous but mainly chatted away happily about her antics.
My other two dc are ok thank you despite the regular problems during contact for dd2. Ds is better than he was and rarely sees Dd and is protected from her.
Mental health services are involved with Dd but whether or not she will engage beyond the first assessment is the big question. She's not done in the past. She's still stealing and hasn't learnt anything at all from her arrests or court appearance. Her relationship with me is better although she still sees me as the reason for her issues.

What are you expecting the sw to do to stop the criminal behaviour and non engagement at college? Have looked at last few posts and there's no acceptance that this is any of your daughters responsibility.
Kicked out of school, shoplifting = The sw is shite. Absolutely useless.
she's not engaging with services = sw doing nothing.
Also looks like she'll soon be aged out of children's services?

Dd is very much responsible for her actions. The sw is useless because she believes everything exH says and doesn't use her brain to question anything. There is no plan in place for how anything will be achieved. We need xyz but no mention of how to achieve that or what she is going to do. All she does is say she'll have a chat with dad then she swallows all his lies and nothing improves.

Dd is now at college doing a different course and is enjoying it. She seems to have turned a corner. She attended court twice over the shoplifting and despite being told she'd have a police caution it was downgraded to another community resolution. I worry that this is pointless seeing as it failed to have an effect last time. She has a part time job although I worry about her stealing from the people she's working for. She can't be trusted sadly.
Her dad continues to be a complete idiot and the social worker never did anything at all except call meetings, get everyone mixed up, fail to invite me and never give me the minutes. I don't know how they keep their jobs with such incompetence.
It's early days with college. Her dad and his handmaidens are all over how fantastic it is that she's engaging but it's only been two weeks and it's too early to tell.
She has finally been referred for ASD and ADHD assessments after me saying for years that she needed this and her dad saying I was making it up and accusing me of munchausens by proxy while also saying it was due to the way I brought her up.
So that's where things are for now.

It's good that she might have found a college course she likes and a job. Perhaps those are the focus she needs to improve her life.

I think all you can do is watch from a distance and let things progress in whatever way they will.

Hopefully as she matures she'll decide to turn things around.

If she is ASD/ADHD, which is likely, then she may well have a PDA profile. My teenage daughter is ASD/ADHD/PDA.

Anything she will be told or expected to do will be met with refusal and push back. She needs to always feel in control. Hopefully her choosing to try college again and get a job shows the first signs of her taking more sensible choices.

OP
Big hugs...I know it's not all good but there are some glimmers.
The important thing is how you have held on with how much you care and worry for her.
That's all you can do now. Watch her do things both good and bad in her own time and hope eventually there are more ups than downs.
Look after yourself.
Xx

Deleted

Things are not great. She's now addicted to weed and was smoking it pure several times a day. Her dad threw her out but she's back there now although she has to move out soon. Her college attendance is under 60% and she's hanging out with others who are using drugs. She's 18 very soon and instead of letting me help her she's amped up her nastiness and says how abusive I am. Her youngest sibling doesn't want anything to do with her and I'm respecting that.
Her dad never signed the referral forms despite many reminders from professionals so they gave only just been sent off.
I'm feeling really down this week about it because time seems to be running out for me to help her. Once she's 18 I don't have any right to contact professionals to get her help. She's extremely angry and says I don't have PR for her when I do. She has a drug addiction worker but I'm not convinced she actually wants to stop smoking weed.
Things just go from bad to worse.
I just need to vent today. I'm so tired of this. 12 years of this shit now in one form or another.

Im sorry op that things haven't improved for her and you. Maybe you'll be more at peace when she is 18 and you can't advocate for her. It's awful now for you when you can and she won't accept help and you have to watch helplessly. You've done all you could.

Thank you. I'm dreading her being 18 because I feel she will be so very vulnerable and I won't be able to do much to help her. Her dad doesn't seem to care. He's blocked me on every platform and I can't speak to him about her. Social services basically shrugged and said not our problem.

Goodness, I've just looked back and noted how long ago I started this thread. It will be 3 years in May. Things have just got worse for Dd.
Instead of helping her find accommodation and sort her future out her dad is going on holiday with his gf 🤬

Honestly as harsh as it is. You are just going to have to let her go and do her thing.

She is in a place where your the bad guy trying to control and curtail her fun. No matter what you say it won’t change her.

You have to let her go, let her hit her rock bottom and then when she actually realises be there to help her rebuild.

Why would her dad help her find accommodation if his kicking her out ? She should just present to the council with a letter of homelessness. Him kicking her out and trying to make her stand on her own is meant to be a kick up the arse.

The best thing you can do is just be there and be you.

It's so hard when you can see the real person behind the mask, and you want to sweep them up in your arms and look after them.

Right now, this isn't what she wants.

My thoughts, having been somewhere similar, although not to this extent or for this duration, is to get on with your life. If you have "moved on" mentally from this phase of your lives, it will be beneficial in the long run. At some point she will probably see the light and realise she has been ridiculous. If she reaches out to you, and your are in a much better place emotionally, then that will benefit her. If she doesn't, then you will still be in a better place for your own sanity.

Keep the door firmly open for her, but look to your own future and your own needs.

Hi OP I've been following your thread for as long as I can remember. I also think you've done your best and now you need to just focus on your younger kids. Honestly it's clear you care deeply and have done absolutely everything you can to be a support. Time to move on - leave the door open for when she eventually needs her mum but you can't let her keep derailing all your lives, especially when things change drastically at the big 18 milestone.

You can't expect dad to be looking for accommodation for her if he's actively kicking her out I'm afraid, that's a pipedream. I'd try not to expect anything of him to avoid disappointment when he doesn't behave the way you would want him to/a normal parent would.

Her dad has as I expected changed his mind and she's now allowed to remain with him and his gf. She is saying she's stopped smoking cannabis and is starting driving lessons. Younger Dd says she's not stopped at all but has cut down. She definitely shouldn't be behind the wheel of a vehicle.
We recently went on holiday and she was not allowed to come with us. She's not made any changes to her behaviour and very quickly resorts to being nasty when she is challenged. This happened by text on holiday although I wasn't challenging her, she was challenging me, and I was so glad that she hadn't come with us. It's sad that she missed out but she only has herself to blame. Once she's 18 I feel like totally giving up but feel sadness and guilt that I feel like that.