Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Permanent exclusion-how do I find a new school that will take an excluded child?

635 replies

Alwaystoblame · 27/05/2022 14:10

Posting for traffic.
How do I go about finding my Dd a new school if she's been permanently excluded? How likely are good schools to take her on in year 10 with an appalling attendance and behaviour record? She's very bright and doing very well academically when are bothers to go to class and do the homework. Attendance in in the 60s for this year. Even when she dies go in she is late and/or truants classes.
I have 2 previous threads about the issues she's having but I wanted to ask specifically about new schools without getting detailed.

OP posts:
itsgettingweird · 02/09/2023 15:29

I would mute the what's app. Then you won't get notifications of messages.

If you open an abusive one then delete it and don't respond or reply.

Just check her messages once a week when you have a the headspace.

You are an amazing mum but you cannot help someone who won't be helped.

Createausername1970 · 02/09/2023 18:16

Just to say OP, I haven't read the entire thread, but I have been reading your posts.

You seem to be a great mum, doing your best for all your children. Your oldest DD is in a bad place, but you HAVE tried. She has to help herself, and although she is still very young, she can't be helped if she won't engage.

As DD matures, she may come to see things a bit clearer, and your relationship may improve in years to come. But for now, keep the door open for her, but prioritise your other children.

I have a family member who has found themselves in a similar situation - except he is the dad who believed all the bad things DS was saying about his ex. He agreed to DS coming to live with him, was a bit smug about being the "better parent". Within a very few weeks DS was behaving exactly the same towards him and his new partner and they very soon realised the ex wasn't as unreasonable and unhelpful as they thought.
DS has just failed all his GCSEs and family member is at a loss. DS has made noises about going back to his mum, but mum has made it very clear that ship has sailed.

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 03/09/2023 21:40

Thank you for the kind words. They mean a great deal when I feel like I'm the things they accuse me of.
Dd starts college this week. I've no idea what day or times or anything. I'm sure her dad's current gf or ex or whoever will take her seeing as he's always st work. I doubt she'll even fully attend this first week. It will be too much of a shock to the system and are has to get 2 buses there and that's not something she'll tolerate for long. I'm so glad they won't have my contact details. If it's really bad then social services and the police have my number and how awful is that that it's even a thought in my head.
Ds has now said he doesn't want her in the house because of how she behaves and how much she upsets him. He's 8 and has been hurt so much by her. He adores her usually and always looked up to her but he has changed how he feels and whereas before he forgave easily and was always thrilled to see her now he's asking me not to let her in.
One positive is we have a family wraparound support worker starting with us soon and she is going to be be able to help ds, dd2 and me cope with the things we find tough. Dd2 needs better boundaries around her sister and father and help to stop responding to their emotional blackmail and abuse of me via her. I'm putting a lot of hope into this last chance saloon support.

Back to school for da and dd2 this week and done head space for me which is much needed after 6 weeks of no time to myself. A new academic year and a new chapter for dd. Let's hope she makes some better choices this year.

OP posts:
vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 04/09/2023 14:25

I am hoping that the new school year brings lots of good things for your family,
@Alwaystoblame.

I agree, most of parenting is about consistency and constancy. You are nailing both of those.

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 15/09/2023 13:24

The alienation of dd2 has ramped up this week and she ran away to her dad's this week. No communication from him to even say she was there. Just abuse from dd1. She's now blocked. I can't deal with it anymore. Dd2's missed a day of school this week for no reason, missed a hospital appointment and been late to school twice. I can't go through this shit again. I feel like running away myself. Just taking ds and moving far away.

OP posts:
DarkChocHolic · 15/09/2023 13:52

So sorry to hear this OP.

SeulementUneFois · 15/09/2023 17:19

Oh my god...so sorry to hear that OP.

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 15/09/2023 22:39

Dd2 has said she is never coming home. I know how it will be going in that house this week. ExH will be saying how I drive him away and made his dick fall repeatedly into another woman and dd1 will be saying how I drove her away and that now I've driven dd2 away and how I was a dreadful wife and am a dreadful mother.
If it wasn't for ds and my mum there'd be no point to me being here. All I ever wanted was to be a mum and it turns out I have failed and am failing.
I wish I'd had mumsnet back when I was getting married and having children. I'd never have married. I'd have got out of that abusive relationship. But then I wouldn't have my children. I'd have at least known not to give up my career to be a SAHM getting abused for sitting on my fat arse all day and losing my decent pension prospects in the process. I wouldn't have breastfed them for as long as possible and would have put them into childcare and made myself financially independent.

I love my gurus dearly but the past 16 have broken ne.
I wish I could go away. Just me and ds for a long time or a fresh start. Where no one knows us or our past. Where my ex can't find us easily. Won't drive past on his way somewhere. Won't know the same people. Where there won't be all the negative associations. Where dd1 won't just be passing and manipulated me to do something then gaslight me about it. Where I can be invisible.
I am so done with this shit.

OP posts:
Newestname002 · 16/09/2023 09:03

@Alwaystoblame

I am so very sorry you are going through this very tough time - I wish I could wave a magic wand and make your troubles and those who cause them to disappear at least for a very long while, to allow you to get some reserve of mental and physical strength back. All I can do, however, is to add to other posters virtually sending you love and wishing you well for the future. Not near enough I know, but hopefully you can hold on for your son and your mother and, one day you will hurt less than you do now. 🌹

Lindy2 · 16/09/2023 09:17

Perhaps you should move. Not necessarily a huge distance but far enough so that you can put a bit more of a safety net distance between you and your toxic ex.

How old is your son? Is he at an OK age to change schools?

I think your children need a bit of a shock treatment regarding their behaviour.

Tell them as both DD have moved out you'll be downsizing and moving. You really don't need to accept being their verbal punchbag.

Createausername1970 · 16/09/2023 09:40

Oh dear I am sorry. Can you move? Is that a possibility to plan and aim to be elsewhere by June next year? So your son starts a new school before the end of the school year? I suppose it depends on his age/exams and whether he is willing. A fresh start for you and your son.

NunsKnickers · 16/09/2023 09:43

Another voice here echoing the moving suggestion.

You sound broken and you need and deserve to put yourself and your DS first.

Sending much sympathy and support.

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 17/09/2023 11:15

I can't really move away because I'm my mum's carer and she wouldn't want to move. There's not w ouch room for me to move in with her.

I'm now being told by dd1 that I'll be taken to court over dd2. No idea why. If dd2 wants to live with her dad then I'm not fighting over it. I've got no fight left. She wants to be a doctor and will be throwing that away living with him because there'll be no study support. She was absent one day last week and late twice out of the 3 days she was with him and that's the way it will be. She'll end up just like dd1.

OP posts:
greatblueheron · 17/09/2023 11:28

You need to move.

You need to prioritise your children. Make it clear to your mum that they have to come first, and she can move as well if she continues to want/need you to look after her. Otherwise, she can make other care arrangements.

You brought your children into the world. You have to put them first.

moggiek · 17/09/2023 12:37

greatblueheron · 17/09/2023 11:28

You need to move.

You need to prioritise your children. Make it clear to your mum that they have to come first, and she can move as well if she continues to want/need you to look after her. Otherwise, she can make other care arrangements.

You brought your children into the world. You have to put them first.

What do you think she’s been doing for the last 16 years??

PonyPatter44 · 17/09/2023 12:54

I would move, somewhere that is still in reach of your mum's place, but in the opposite direction to where you are now. Quite honestly I would be afraid of my DS being sucked into all the same bullshit, hence the move. Keep the lines of communication open with the girls, ignore/ delete all nasty messages but respond positively to the good ones.

As you know, mental illness and neurodiversity is massively heritable, which is driving your girls' behaviour.... so do whatever you have to do to stop ex's insanity infecting your son as well. You are a good person, you are a fighter, you can do this.

greatblueheron · 17/09/2023 14:20

moggiek · 17/09/2023 12:37

What do you think she’s been doing for the last 16 years??

Show quote history

She has. Of course she has. But now, at this point in time, she may need to move. She herself has said that moving might be the best thing ... but her own mum won't move. And now is the time to tell her own mum that this is what needs to happen for her own well being and that of her son.

She's just lost her second daughter to her useless, rule-free, no school/appointments/responsibilities if you don't want to go/do them Ex, and is being abused verbally by both daughters who feel free to wander in and out of her home/life criticising her.

Moving would fix a lot of this and protect her son from them.

moggiek · 17/09/2023 14:36

greatblueheron totally agree.

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 19/09/2023 10:52

Ds doesn't want to move. We might have to for financial reasons but for now we are staying put.
Dd2 has the attitude that she can come and go as she pleases with no commitment to seeing me at any particular time unless her mood allows for it. She actually said that. We have a family trip booked next month and she has become so flakey that I've taken the decision that she's not coming with ds and me. She wants things to be more equal between her dad's and here but so far I've seen her once and briefly in a week and she won't commit to seeing me again. She says it's her choice what she does. There's a court order in place that says she lives with me and exH is airways saying it's not simple that she lives with him and will need to go to court. He loves court. If we go again it might be visit number 25. I've found out another woman apart from his current girlfriend or any of his exes stay at his overnight to look after dd1 when he's on nights. It's madness.

OP posts:
Createausername1970 · 19/09/2023 17:01

Its an awful situation you find yourself in. I think you are probably handing it much the same way I would hope that I would i.e. not trying to force anything on either DD1 or DD2, take a step right back and let things play out howsoever they will, but don't influence things one way or the other. Engage with positive interactions with them, ignore the negative ones, but don't instigate anything in case it is "used against you" at a later date.

Newestname002 · 19/09/2023 17:32

@Alwaystoblame

We have a family trip booked next month and she has become so flakey that I've taken the decision that she's not coming with ds and me.

Do DD1 and DD2 have their own keys to your home and, so, able to let themselves in and out of your home whilst you're away? 🌹

greatblueheron · 19/09/2023 19:36

I think you need to change your locks, OP. Harsh, but you can't trust either girl at this point.

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 19/09/2023 21:32

I'd change the locks but I can see it now with exH telling a judge how I changed the locks and locked my own daughter out of her own home. Whatever I do is always used against me. Eggshell Walker, that's me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 20/09/2023 18:22

I'm feeling better today. This thread helps keep me sane and is a good way of getting my thoughts and feelings out.
Dd2 is with my mum who is hoping to talk to her and make her see some sense. There's a family care worker kind of service who are working with us and will see her regularly although she's currently refusing. Either that or a social worker though and she'll hate that.
The luxuries I pay for monthly that are just for her have been cancelled. They are not something I am prepared to pay for considering the recent attitude and entitled behaviour.
Christmas is going to be bloody miserable if she's not here. It was very sad without dd1 last year. It would be awful without both girls.

OP posts:
DarkChocHolic · 21/10/2023 14:00

@Alwaystoblame
How are you doing?
Hope you and DS are coping.
Xx