Permanent exclusion-how do I find a new school that will take an excluded child?

[Alwaystoblame]

Posting for traffic.
How do I go about finding my Dd a new school if she's been permanently excluded? How likely are good schools to take her on in year 10 with an appalling attendance and behaviour record? She's very bright and doing very well academically when are bothers to go to class and do the homework. Attendance in in the 60s for this year. Even when she dies go in she is late and/or truants classes.
I have 2 previous threads about the issues she's having but I wanted to ask specifically about new schools without getting detailed.

Not great but not too bad either thanks.
Dd1 wants to come for Christmas. This is after reporting me to social services 4 weeks ago saying I was abusing her sister. Telling me to get off my arse and get a job and how I talk shit and am a weirdo. She doesn't want to spend Christmas with her dads latest gf and her kids because he's working all day. Ds doesn't want her here for Christmas. I've told her she needs to work with the family worker and make progress especially with her brother before I'll consider it.

It's crazy that you are considering it tbh. Christmas is a pressure cooker- far too much pressure for things to go well and if it doesn't the fallout is twice as bad. Invite her after Christmas if you must but the state of the relationship between you suggests that overnights aren't really suitable right now.

I'm inclined to agree - plus your other children will be so anxious about her in close physical proximity in the run up to Christmas and on the actual day itself. 🌹

I know😔 a few weeks ago she told me her dad's many girlfriends had been better mothers to her in a short space of time than I had in her whole life. Dd2 said something similar this week but she's just parroting what dd1 and their dad and his girlfriends say. Being a good mum equals saying yes and having no rules or consequences in their eyes. I can't be that kind of mum because that's not parenting. That's not preparing them for adulthood.
I told Dd 1 she could spend Christmas with one of the girlfriends seeing as they are better mums than me but she said they will never replace me and Christmas isn't right if she's not at home. Should have thought about that before then.

@Alwaystoblame

I told Dd 1 she could spend Christmas with one of the girlfriends seeing as they are better mums than me but she said they will never replace me and Christmas isn't right if she's not at home. Should have thought about that before then.

Sadly actions have consequences - and she's old enough to know that. 🌹

Last year Christmas was quite sad without her. It would be this year too but I have e erroné else to think about too, not just her. And she wouldn't be asking if her dad wasn't working so I feel used.
Last week I was 5 mins walk from her dads and it was her day off college so I said about meeting up for lunch or just to say hi.. She was too busy. This was less than 24 hours after turning up at mine saying she missed me and wanted to spend more time with me.

I wouldn’t let her come without some serious change.

However I would take something to the fact she claims she wants to be with you over Christmas but I still wouldn’t let her just get her way. She’s already with her fathers clearly influenced her sister don’t let them get their claws into ds too.

OP..
I agree with others.
You need to safeguard DS...
For his sake, don't let the girls over for Christmas.

I'm hoping that the family worker can help but realistically they haven't even fully assessed dd2 yet so there's no hope of assessing ds and dd1 and working with them before Christmas. I am going to ask my friend and neighbour who knows us all well if she would mediate. She has lots of experience with troubled teens and used to work in schools for behavioural problems.

It doesn't matter if the relationship bw your son and eldest dd improves (well obviously it does but not in this context) if her relationship with you is still fractured. Christmas will be spent on tenterhooks and chances are it will all blow up in your face again. It's not just about protecting your ds, or even yourself, it's about protecting the fragile relationship with your dd. The more times you go round the loop and fail, the more this negative and destructive cycle is reinforced.
.

Very true. The problem is I dated if I do and damned if I don't. If I say no I'll be a dreadful mother. If I say yes there's the very real risk of things being said that will damage Christmas. My Mum is 84 and is here for Christmas so it's important that her Christmas is relaxing and lovely. I can never win.

Honestly, it's your d1 bad influence on d2. Let them go, and kept them at arms length for the sake of your son. Enjoy Xmas day with your son and mum. They daughters want to be with their dad and girlfriend, don't have them on Xmas day.

Dd2 will be here. She didn't last long at her dads! She's been back here for a month.

Your DD is seriously fucked off with her parents (no matter where fault lies) and is 'acting out' and due to her disdain for the main 'authoritative' figures in her life (her parents) she has little regard for any authority, including school.

As she's not the only child for either of her parents to consider, what other options does she have other than to 'rebel'? I was that kid many years ago, I'm 61 now and my life didn't go all tits up because of it.

Just go with the PRU offerings for now - managed moves are shite (my own ds22 is autistic and that's a different ball game) - give your DD enough space to flow along until she finds herself again.

It could be really ok.

I've told her no. She's trying to guilt me into changing my mind because it might be my mum's last Christmas and how I've cutting her off from everybody and stopping the family from being together and having a happy Christmas. She's insulted me, called me by my first name, blamed me for everything and refused to engage with the chat with ds unless she controls it all and gets her dad involved or my estranged sister! My ds is nothing to do with her dad thank goodness and my sister is going nowhere near my boy. She's excluded from my life for good reason.

This is all so hard @Alwaystoblame but you are staying strong. Please have no doubt that what you have currently decided is the right decision to protect DD2, DS, your mother and yourself.

Having DD1 with you at Christmas, with her very possibly negative, verbal/mental aggression will ruin the time you are planning, particularly if this might be your DM's last Christmas with you. 🌹

My mum is in good health really, she is physically disabled but ok otherwise, and her dad lived to 90 as did his dad so I've no reason to think this might be her last Christmas anymore than she's now in her 80s. Dd1 is just being cruel there.
I maintain she only wants to be here because her dad is working and is trying to guilt trip me. It won't work.

Stay strong OP!
Her latest outburst is further proof of what she'd be like at Christmas if you said yes to her. She'd ruin it for everyone.

You can tell her that.
She needs to learn that her behaviour has consequences.

I'm glad to read DD2 is back. I was really sad seeing your previous update. I hope the 3 of you plus your mum can have a nice Christmas together.

Glad to see DD2 has seen the light. Hope she apologised for her behaviour.

Things are improving with DD's attitude and she's in contact with me and actually phones to speak to me. I can't rely on her to turn up and after she turned up for dinner 2 hours later than I'd said to be here and then left without saying goodbye I've told her she won't be invited again. She was 3 hours late to her grandmothers a few days earlier after failing to turn up here twice.
I'm going back and forth in my mind over Christmas. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't and will be upset either way as will her siblings. She wants to be here. Then there's the issue of presents. I don't get a penny for her (and rightly so be s'use she doesn't live with me) but with me being a carer for my mum I don't have a "proper job" as I'm always told and therefore no income apart from UC and the bit my mum gives me for helping her. The dds' dad gives me a pittance for dd2. I'm worried that she will be upset I've spent less on her than her siblings. Last year I had to ask if she'd even opened her gifts which was hurtful as they just weren't mentioned and it appears her dad had left them in his car and not put them under the tree. Here she has a stocking and a small sack with her name on plus a gift from Father Christmas under the tree along with a bigger Santa sack as not much fits in the small one. Its not all from me I hasten to add! It's always a very special Christmas morning with my mum and her siblings. Her dad's is just so different and there's no effort at all.
The whole thing is just making me sad and worried. She has a similar number of presents to the her siblings but I've not spent as much. I keep thinking should I have made it equal? Then I think of everything she's done which most recently is calling social services accusing me of abusing dd2. That was 2 months ago. Ugh!
I'm just off loading really.
She's at college and has missed a fair bit of time but otherwise seems to be enjoying it and has made some new friends who appear to be a good influence.
I'm still worried about her with her lying and lifestyle but she's far more settled and is wanting to repair our relationship.
I live in Hope as always of better times.

@Alwaystoblame

I don't get a penny for her (and rightly so be s'use she doesn't live with me) but with me being a carer for my mum I don't have a "proper job" as I'm always told and therefore no income apart from UC and the bit my mum gives me for helping her.

Are you doing 35+ hours care for your mother? If so you could claim Carers Allowance which is around £75/week. Check it out in the gov.uk website. 🌹

Forgiveness from whom?
Surely this is about supporting the child to at least achieve some qualifications and/or find her way in life/back to education.

Don't over think it. Easy for me to say, though.
The important thing is that the relationship is improving, slowly.

The fact that you have gifts under the tree despite everything she has put you through this year is what she will remember in the future. If the quantity looks comparable to the others, then I wouldn't worry about the cost.

As you know, you can't wave a magic wand and make it right, you can only hope they find the right path in life. The best you can do is light their way. Which you are doing.

My only suggestion would be to not set a time to arrive. Say "we are eating at 1.00, join us if you would like, but I will plate some up for you, you can have it later". If the pressure is off to arrive by a certain time, would that, perversely, help to get her there earlier?

@Newestname002 yes I get £67 in my UC for caring for my mum and she gets AA and gives some to me but mainly it pays for her physio and gardeners and transport. It's not recognised as working though by anyone except my mum and my friend who is also a carer for a family member and knows how much work it actually is. If I was earning £100k a year I'd still be seen as somehow lesser by my daughters and ex. Not that he matters but he influences what the dds think.

Dd1 is improving and talks to me regularly so I'm holding onto that.