Permanent exclusion-how do I find a new school that will take an excluded child?

[Alwaystoblame]

Posting for traffic.
How do I go about finding my Dd a new school if she's been permanently excluded? How likely are good schools to take her on in year 10 with an appalling attendance and behaviour record? She's very bright and doing very well academically when are bothers to go to class and do the homework. Attendance in in the 60s for this year. Even when she dies go in she is late and/or truants classes.
I have 2 previous threads about the issues she's having but I wanted to ask specifically about new schools without getting detailed.

That does sound positive @Alwaystoblame
We all need these little snippets of hope we can hang on to till the better days come..and they will come!
You are doing such a great job. Please post here often so we can reassure you of that.
You are not alone. Just look after yourself in the meantime.

Xx

She's missed her sister's birthday and her careers appointment this week claiming to be ill but she's been socialising as normal so I don't believe it for one second. She let her grandmother down this week by not going to see her when she said she would as well as not turning up for the birthday event. It's just constant failure to turn up. She's got one day a we at college and isn't managing that. No bus fare or ill are her reasons.
Christmas is in just over a week and I don't see how I can say she can come here because she's likely to not turn up at all and everyone will be disappointed. If I say no I'll be the bad guy for not letting her come.

Well you could invite her and remind everyone that she might not come. Your kids and mother are old enough and experienced enough to understand that's the case and deal with it.

It's a bit hard to advise you tbh OP because on the one hand you say the problem is that her behaviour is unacceptable and she upsets everyone and on the other the problem is that she might not turn up. I would have thought that the fact she treats everyone poorly and upsets them would be reason enough to say no.

I know it will be hard for you, but I wouldn’t invite her. You and your DS deserve to have as nice a day as you can, without waiting for her to turn up/kick off.

@Porcupineintherough I know, I feel really torn about it. This thread is my outlet for the frustration I feel. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I think it will be a case of if she turns up then she turns up and if she doesn't then she doesn't and we all need to just accept that. I find that hard though the not knowing

@Week54 she left school in June and as expected failed most of her exams. She's now at a college but has been expelled in all but name due to her poor attendance and conduct. She's allowed in one day a week and has to be supervised by a tutor the whole time. That's so are can catch up on what she's missed and come out with a lesser qualification. Her course finishes in about 3 weeks and then she's at a very loose end. She says she wants to do an apprenticeship but has no idea in what.

So far, not good. Plan changing and lying to us and about us to each other. Not going to college. Since they reduced her to one day a week in November she's only gone twice. She's upset ds today. She's upset me. She's upset her grandmother. I feeling like returning her Christmas gifts and telling her to go somewhere else. I've gone to so much trouble this Christmas for them all and I'm wondering why I've bothered. I think I'll just get through it as best I can and she'll be at her dads and new gfs next year anyway.

So sorry @Alwaystoblame has she ever been able to articulate what she wants and what she feels would make her happy?

I think ultimately she wishes her dad and I were not divorced. She creates negative situations instead of saying what she feels or needs and creates a big drama unnecessarily. She needs to learn to communicate.

Well she's ruined the day. No respect for the rules, being nasty and spiteful and yelling in front of my elderly disabled mum to the point my
Mum feels ill. I'm an idiot.

I'm sorry @Alwaystoblame

You kinda always knew that would happen though didn't you.

I do appreciate that saying no to her at Christmas would have been extraordinarily hard and maybe cruel so you felt obliged to let her come, so do not take that on yourself.

But maybe it's time to draw a line with her behaviour & allowing her to spoil family occasions.

Sorry it turned out this way.

While I'm sorry she's ruined the day, the hard cold reality is you knew she would.

She hasn't changed.
So her behaviour was never going to change.

The only thing you can control is what you do. Not what she does or will do. What you do.

It's too late now, obviously, as you should have shown her the door a couple of days ago when the writing was on the wall.

But I would make it clear now she's out, back to her dad's. She's not ruining the rest of your or your other two children's holidays.

@Alwaystoblame
Awww...so sorry she was her usual self.
Atleast you tried...now you don't have to feel guilty.

She kicked off yesterday but calmed down and apologised. She wanted everyone to give in to her and wasn't happy when we said now. She apologised and I apologised for not seeing her side of things.
Today was off the scale though. Threatening to call the police on me, accusing me of theft because I wouldn't let her have a vape. Nope, not in my house, she knows that's the rule. She thought the police would be interested in me withholding a vape that she's not legally allowed to have.
She said some awful things about me to my mum, upset everyone, disowned me then left and got her dad's ex to take her home. She's taken all her presents so she's quite happy to have those from me. She never wants to hear from me again. I'm not her mother.
Yes, I knew she'd spoil it. I was in an impossible position and my mum wanted her here for Christmas and if I'd said no I'd be a bad guy and if I said yes it would end up like this. Everyone has seen what she is like today. It was always going to be a problem.
Thanks for the ear as always x

@Alwaystoblame

I was in an impossible position and my mum wanted her here for Christmas and if I'd said no I'd be a bad guy and if I said yes it would end up like this. Everyone has seen what she is like today.

The day sounds exhausting in every way dear OP. You tried your utmost best, in the face of your mother who maybe hadn't really understood for herself how bad your daughter could be and, sadly, you and your other children were also adversely affected. It is so hard as you have a sense of duty to your daughter and love her, but you need to take more care of yourself or you'll burn out and then where will you be? 🌹

You knew this would happen @Alwaystoblame, it was entirely predictable. In fact you did predict it, months ago. Perhaps you should worry less about "being the bad guy" (to whom? why do you care?) and concentrate more on parenting. Starting with your younger two children who badly need a calm, secure home.

If I'd said she couldn't come then dd2, ds and my mum would have been upset with me and said I'm not being fair because despite everything we all wanted her here because we love her and to have a nice Christmas. Ds originally said he didn't want her here but changed his mind. There was no way to win this one and keep most people happy.
We now have a family worker who is starting work with all the dc next month. I'm hoping that will help. Ds is going to have sessions around his feelings and experiences to help him process them.
It's just ds and me today having a nice chilled day snuggled on the sofa watching films and playing with his Christmas presents. He's been a little sad at times and is getting lots of cuddles and the chance the talk.
Parenting dd2 is very difficult due to her dad trying his best to alienate her from me but the work the family worker is going to do with her is going to help with this.
I'm doing my best here. I did everything I could to try and accommodate everybody's needs for Christmas. Next year I'm not doing it. Whatever I do I'm being unreasonable snd she critisizes everything so what's the point.
Dd1 had lots of thoughtful presents that she loved. She was included in everything but kept disappearing off and saying she can't deal with other people. She had the cheek to say I was manipulating her, that I need therapy and that she was walking on eggshells. She's a great projector!!

Dd2 says dd1 carried on the drama at their dad's and caused dd2 to cry herself to sleep after a huge argument. Dd2 can't remember the details but is still upset now that she's home with me.
Dd1 has blamed her mental health but she uses this to excuse her poor behaviour and won't engage with mental health services.
I've reassured dd2 and ds that she's not allowed here again. She's not going to be permitted to spoil anything again. Now my mum has witnessed it there'll be no pressure there.
I wish I'd put my foot down and said no to Christmas but in a way I'm glad that everyone has witnessed what I've put up with for years and understands why I didn't want to risk Christmas being spoilt.
I still feel awful for not wanting my own daughter here. It really upsets me and I feel like I've failed her but I'm trying so hard to get her the help she needs and get us all the help we need. I'll never give up on her but I won't allow her to continue to treat us so badly. I can't stop dd2 seeing her sister because she'll see her at their dad's but I can completely protect ds. Dd2 will protect herself to some extent because she'll decide not to go to her dad's if need be. I feel tearful tonight after keeping a stiff upper lip over Christmas.

You've had great reserves of strength @Alwaystoblame - you must have, to still be standing after everything you've been through to date. You are not a super-being, but a woman who's been pushed to the end of her tether mentally and physically over and over again and is surviving. Good that your mother has seen with her own eyes how bad DD1 can be so hopefully you'll get some emotional support from her now. Wishing you strength, and some peace, for the future. 🌹

I hope you are able to enjoy the rest of the holidays with your DS and DD2 OP. Are you doing anything nice for NYE?

We never do anything for new year. In fact it always makes me feel depressed. I'll watch the sound of music as is tradition but otherwise nothing.

The new social worker seems a good one who is going to treat us holistically. That's new. Usually they are absolutely useless and dangerous but this one seems very good so I'm hopeful. I'm not convinced she will be taken in by my exH's nonsense as she can already see through Dd. I can but hope!

Fingers crossed for the new SS Worker. It would be great to start the new year with something positive. 🌹

How are you doing @Alwaystoblame
Hope the new social worker is able to bring some calm to the chaos.
Thinking of you.
Xx

Because of the way her Dad is its been impossible for you to maintain boundaries and enforce consequences and even to give her regular support. You haven't failed, as you feared in a previous post, but you also can't save her from herself, no one can do that. She's the only one that can decide she wants to change and accept the proffered help.

I did notice reading over a couple of months that you're understandably grasping at any sign her behaviour is changing and then it hits harder when she takes off again. You're in a cycle of trying to disengage when she takes off, then something volatile happens and she's back briefly and seems to be listening and being reasonable and you get your hopes up then they get smashed again. It might be worthwhile to find a way you can't step back a little so that next time she turns up again you can hold the boundaries you and your DS and even DD2 need to keep you all safe.

As much as we might wish things were different, the only way she's going to be saved is if she decides firstly that she has a problem and then asks for help and engages with that help and makes changes. Even if she did all those things it would still be a long rough road. I hope the new social worker can help your DS and DD2 and make your life a little easier too.