Permanent exclusion-how do I find a new school that will take an excluded child?

[Alwaystoblame]

Posting for traffic.
How do I go about finding my Dd a new school if she's been permanently excluded? How likely are good schools to take her on in year 10 with an appalling attendance and behaviour record? She's very bright and doing very well academically when are bothers to go to class and do the homework. Attendance in in the 60s for this year. Even when she dies go in she is late and/or truants classes.
I have 2 previous threads about the issues she's having but I wanted to ask specifically about new schools without getting detailed.

Why is the carer element of your UC only £67? It should be £185.86.

I'm glad things are improving a little.

If you do decide to invite her for Christmas I agree with keeping things flexible. Say she's welcome to join you. "There will be presents in the morning and lunch at x o'clock, come along and join in for whenever you want".

That way you're not waiting around and can carry on your day as you wish. She also has no set time pressure to get there or leave at any certain time, which if she is demand avoidant, could help.

She's back home after yet another abusive experience with her dad. She arrived here shaking at midnight. I'm already waiting for social services to phone about dd2 and will be adding the latest incidents with dd1 to the long, long history of events they have documented. The problem is that she always backs down on what she's told me and says it wasn't as bad as she made out or that I'm exaggerating. She's trauma bonded to him.
College isn't going too well. No surprise there. She's missed about weeks so far and is behind with her work. Her dad is moving in with his gf so she's being uprooted to a place with no easy way to get to her friends or college.

@Alwaystoblame
I cannot imagine how you go through this over and over again. I really feel for you.
You have been through this before and you will this time too.
Have zero expectations from DD1 but set some basic boundaries for your own peace of mind.
If she downplays to social services, nothing you can do.
Tell her she has food and a roof at yours...you will offer her a safe space and nothing more..but you will not be abused or let your other kids be traumatised.

The police are on their way here now to go through the latest allegations with her. It's like a theme park where we just get on and off pretty much the same ride over and over again with the odd calm but in the picnic area in between.

Police useless. Said it's a social issue. I'm pretty sure child abuse is a crime.

@Alwaystoblame
That's crap the police weren't serious.
I hope you have better luck with social services.
How are you holding up?
Hope you and DS are OK.
Xx

I feel anxious and exhausted. She's used to being able to do what she likes at her dad's and struggles to follow any rules here like no vaping in the house. She asked if her boyfriend could come round for dinner yesterday so I cooked a roast and didn't get so much as a thank you from either of them, never mind an offer to help clear up. When I said something she looked upset because her dad expects her to clear the kitchen. I said she just needs to help, not do it all herself.
She's already backtracking on what she said last week about how her dad was behaving towards her. She says what he's doing is abusive but he's not abusing her. Not sure how that one works. Then the gaslighting has started this morning over her personal hygiene. She has BO. She showered but doesn't actually wash so she's putting deodorant or body spray over dried on sweat. She doesn't brush her teeth at night. She smells. But no, it's just me who can smell it, nobody else.
She's failing college and wants me to go to a meeting instead of her dad but I can't due to other commitments and it's short notice (tomorrow).
She keeps going off to get more stuff to bring here then comes back but says she needs to go again because she forgot x,y,z.
She's keeping her sister and me up until gone midnight messing about and I'm feeling the strain.

Maybe just pick your battles?

When she comes here there's always a reason that necessitates involving the police and social services and this disrupts the whole household. This time it involves another family too. I'm walking on egg shells all the time and having to deal with the police and social services and now college tutors too.

I'm so sorry you are all going through this. Unfortunately I can't see anything improving while she is still bouncing between you and her dad. (Although once he's moved in with his gf there's a good chance she possibly won't feel as free to go there)
I know you won't want to read this but I think its time for you to tell social services that you simply can't cope with her any more . They should (depending on which area you live in)be able to offer her a form of sheltered accommodation. You arent washing your hands of her but do need to "protect" yourself and your other child from the seemingly endless cycle you have found yourself in through no fault of your own.

She's accused her dad of being abusive but is more than happy to have him give her lifts and to have dinner with him tonight and stay over. She's hung up on me today after I called her out on her lies and wouldn't say yes to something. She thinks she can come and go at all hours without any consideration for the rest of the house and I've put my foot down after 5 days of chaos before ds gets upset with it all. He's not been witness to most of it and I'm stopping it now before he does witness it.

She's using both you and her dad to her advantage. Coming and going as she pleases.

It's obviously you and DS that struggles with it.

She certainly is. It's backfired a bit because lots of her everyday stuff is here now but she's out with friends as her priority so she can wait for it until it's convenient for me for her to get it. She'll be back living with her dad fully by Wednesday. It always goes the same way. I was expecting ss to phone today but they haven't.

College are making some decisions this week regarding her future on the course. The shit is really going to hit the fan. The question is will she gravitate towards her dad or me afterwards. I don't think he knows the full extent of the issues with college. He's all talk and no trousers though and he won't actually do anything to help Dd. He will yell and threaten all sorts of sanctions but won't follow through on any of it past the 24 hour mark even if he does do something to start with.
I really don't know how to help her anymore because she's not receptive to anything if it requires any effort on her part.

College are not kicking her off the course but have downgraded her to a lesser qualification and she won't continue beyond the new year. Her attendance, conduct, and coursework are problematic and she's now without anything to do next year. She's flip flopping from one idea to the other with no real rationale and seems to be grasping at straws as to what she can do. Feckless father didn't even turn up to the meeting which was no surprise because he rarely does. He's gone ballistic at her but has offered no support or suggestions. There's talk of alternative courses or an apprenticeship but no idea what.
I'm disappointed and frustrated but not surprised that this has happened. She's not learnt from her experiences at school and is rejecting the same behaviours. Her dad either placates her or goes mad at her but never supports her. She thinks she can just start another course part way through the academic year and thinks they will make exceptions for her.
Round and round we go. GP, CAMHS, police, social services, pastoral, tutors, Nothing ever changes because she won't engage and her dad won't engage.
It's so fucking frustrating and I feel so powerless to help her.

You have to let her figure some things out for herself at this stage.
Doing them for her just means she has no incentive to change/improve.

I think it would be reasonable to set some ground rules for her

If she wants to live with you then she needs to be in education of some form and attending regularly

She needs to engage with social/college/counsellor - whatever is offered in the way of help

And treat the household with respect

It's not much to ask and if she can't do it then I think you need be firm and make her stay with her dad because her chaotic life affects the rest of you too. Somehow you have to get off this endless roundabout and the only person who can do that is you.

The police told me last night that I need to tell the officers that will attend today that we need family help and essentially beg for more help. They were called again last night because she ran away from her dad's then ran off from here after I said if she doesn't obey the house rules (that I'd told her earlier in the day) then she can't stay here. She chose to leave after midnight once she'd disrupted my evening and her sisters. Luckily ds slept through it all. She became nasty to me when I wouldn't back down on the rules. She says she was negotiating with me and trying to have a conversation but she was dictating to me what she would do and going on about how I'm inflexible and weird. I said she needed to go back to her dad's and she refused. So off she went but I didn't know where she was going apart from into the main town on the last bus. Totally unsafe to do so. Her dad wasn't answering his phone until I told him the police would be contacting him. He's ignored all communications about college and other issues.

I can't do this. I really can't cope with the constant drama. I've been so caught up with Dd that I've not even got the advent calendar out let alone filled it. First time in 16 years that's happened. This is all affecting my ability to be a great mum to my other children.

I'm so tired this morning and have an important meeting about ds with the sendco. I hate this constant disruption to our lives. She just turns up at the door after running off from her dad's. Just like she used to run from here when I told her no. From mow on she just can't come here. She says she's changed but she's just the same.

Social services are allocating someone. What good they will do I've no idea but I've got to try anything and everything. Ds is getting help at school now and currently doesn't want her here at Christmas. Dd says she still wants to be here for Christmas but it's not all about her. Her dad is moving in with his gf so that will now be her home. Her dad and gf keep splitting up and arguing and he's flirting with other women at work (witnessed by dd2 who happened to be there for something) and it all sounds crazy and unstable.

What a nightmare for you OP!
I hope social services sort something for you.
You need a set up where she stays with someone else and you visit her away from your home and family.
Big hugs..
Xx

She's been expelled from college in all but name and is only allowed there to spend 1-1 time with a tutor to catch up and get a lesser qualification than she was originally studying for.

Sorry to hear that @Alwaystoblame
Even though you knew it was going to happen, it's still heartbreaking when it actually does.
When she is ready to learn, she will go back to education.

Any luck with the social services trying to get her someone?
I hope you are as ok as you can be in these difficult circumstances.
There is nothing you could have done more.
Xx

Some time you just have to give up. Be there as an ear and a hug but wash hands of everything else. This is the life she is picking. Untill she genuinely wants to change and be better she won’t so just nod and smile hug and goodbye.

Despite everything she seems more settled in her attitude towards me. She's gained some insight into her own behaviour whilst she was living with me. In the past she's done this in much smaller amounts but she seems consistent the last couple of months in what she says to me and about me. If are gets annoyed with me she doesn't block me or tell me to fuck off. It's progress at least.
It will be Interesting to see what the careers advisor advises. I draw a complete blank when I think of what she would be suited to and that would suit her. Everything relies on attendance, punctuality and honesty so she's going to struggle.
Nothing from ss yet.