Page 16 | DS21 threatened DD18

Safarigiraffe · 2022-05-25T21:30:54+00:00

Today when me/husband were at work DS was in the bathroom & DD had just got ready to leave to go to college. DD knocked on bathroom door & asked my son to hurry up as she was on a tight schedule to get the bus to leave, DS said to her no you have to wait and DD became agitated and started shouting at him to hurry up. DS then came out the bathroom shoving daughter back in the stomach hard shouting/swearing & intimidating her so DD at this point was very visibly upset & shaking as it wasn’t like my son to react on this way and went to the bathroom to which DS then pushed the door open again shouting/swearing in her face. DD was at college crying on/off all day, now we have spoken to DD & to DD saying this must never happen again, DS is refusing to apologise & DD never wants to speak to him ever again saying she now feels uncomfortable to be in the house with him however we both work and can’t take time off. (DD is at college DS at Uni) Can anyone advise of the best way forward here Many thanks to everyone

Derbee · 27/05/2022 14:47

@lameasahorse we only have the daughters side of the story. Kids (although these 2 are technically adults) are never forthcoming about what they may have done in a sibling fight/fallout. We actually have NO IDEA exactly what happened. Neither does the OP.

Before accusing the son of being a violent woman beater and domestic abuser, it would be more realistic to sit them both down and find out what happened, and what steps need to be taken to ensure it NEVER happens again.

Not hearing one side, turning against one of your children, and kicking them out of the house without a discussion.

wellhelloitsme · 27/05/2022 14:48

Derbee · 27/05/2022 14:47

@lameasahorse we only have the daughters side of the story. Kids (although these 2 are technically adults) are never forthcoming about what they may have done in a sibling fight/fallout. We actually have NO IDEA exactly what happened. Neither does the OP.

Before accusing the son of being a violent woman beater and domestic abuser, it would be more realistic to sit them both down and find out what happened, and what steps need to be taken to ensure it NEVER happens again.

Not hearing one side, turning against one of your children, and kicking them out of the house without a discussion.

Don't you think it's likely if it didn't happen the way DD said it did, DS would have spoken up instead of saying he won't apologise and won't discuss it? He'd be keen to defend himself if she's lying.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/05/2022 14:50

Derbee · 27/05/2022 14:40

They are BOTH adults. The language here is telling. MN forums will always be ready to condemn men.

MAN, MALE

YOUNG GIRL, DAUGHTER

Both adults, but god forbid we imply that an ADULT FEMALE also has behavioural standards to uphold. People are infantilising her, and trying to widen the age/power dynamic between 2 siblings who have had a totally inappropriately expressed fight.

I said young woman, because she is.

Derbee · 27/05/2022 14:52

@wellhelloitsme if the son is in a position of everyone accusing him of being violent and needing to be kicked out/seek professional help, he may not have a reasonable space to discuss what happened.

Or he might be a massive shit who needs to leave the home. But it CANNOT be black and white to a forum of internet strangers who don’t know any of the people involved

Derbee · 27/05/2022 14:53

@MrsTerryPratchett you said woman, plenty haven’t

lameasahorse · 27/05/2022 14:56

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Onlyforcake · 27/05/2022 14:59

But he did act violently. Even if the 18 year was channelling a pestering whiny younger teen drama llama a 21 year old shouldn't be using a physical response.

HangOnToYourself · 27/05/2022 15:01

I just wanted to say I'm glad you have taken this seriously OP. I lived with a violent and abusive brother who was 2 years older than me for my teenage years. Despite living in absolute terror and frequently sporting black eyes nobody helped me and it was brushed off as normal sibling squabbling. I grew up to be a very anxious adult and I burst into tears at the slightest confrontation due to the behaviour I had to put up with. Please protect your daughter.

CPL593H · 27/05/2022 15:09

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/05/2022 14:29

Its not a pleasant place to be when you think your parents would cut you off or throw you out if you made a mistake

I think that's the crux of it. He doesn't think he made a mistake. He hasn't acknowledged it or apologised to his sister. If he'd said, "shit I'm so sorry that was a step too far, it won't ever happen again" he'd have a different reception both from his sister, and from MN.

In this scenario, you're asking a young woman to live with an unrepentant man who assaulted her.

Or still worse, leave her home so his parents can work on his issues, as one poster suggested.

The lack of apology is the crux for me. An immediate and heartfelt one and reassurance that he knew he was in the wrong would indeed change this to my mind. The absence of remorse and the ridiculous "sorted" thing very much indicates he thinks he did nothing wrong.

My younger brother was a clear foot taller than me when he was 18 (and I'm not petite) I would have been absolutely terrified and incredibly upset had he shoved me in the stomach and continued to shout and swear in my face. I would however feel exactly the same had his sister been the physical aggressor.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 27/05/2022 15:16

I reckon that the first female many abusive men ever assault are their sisters.

And they get away with it.

After all, once it's OK to push and shove a young woman and corner her whilst screaming and shouting at them so they are terrified, it's not that much of a leap to do the same to the next female that irritates them. Especially when Mummy says she won't punish him but hopes it doesn't happen again.

jaffacakesareepic · 27/05/2022 15:26

Derbee · 27/05/2022 14:40

They are BOTH adults. The language here is telling. MN forums will always be ready to condemn men.

MAN, MALE

YOUNG GIRL, DAUGHTER

Both adults, but god forbid we imply that an ADULT FEMALE also has behavioural standards to uphold. People are infantilising her, and trying to widen the age/power dynamic between 2 siblings who have had a totally inappropriately expressed fight.

You are just picking words that suit you here

The brother has been refered to as a man, brother, son, male
The daughter as woman, girl, sister, daughter etc

But regardless its irrelevant if you think an 18 year old still in school/college is a child/teenager/adult

Men shouldnt assault women, calling her a woman doesnt make the situation any better

Innocenta · 27/05/2022 15:27

@NeverDropYourMooncup Incredibly perceptive comment. I think there is so much truth in what you've said there.

jaffacakesareepic · 27/05/2022 15:28

NeverDropYourMooncup · 27/05/2022 15:16

I reckon that the first female many abusive men ever assault are their sisters.

And they get away with it.

After all, once it's OK to push and shove a young woman and corner her whilst screaming and shouting at them so they are terrified, it's not that much of a leap to do the same to the next female that irritates them. Especially when Mummy says she won't punish him but hopes it doesn't happen again.

Totally agree with this

Snoozer11 · 27/05/2022 15:40

Brother and sister have a spat.

madasawethen · 27/05/2022 15:41

OP I do hope you read the experiences of the many women on here who were abused by their brothers and their parents looked the other way.

Just because you haven't seen it doesn't mean you can say it's out of character.
For all you know, he has assaulted, pushed, slapped, threatened, intimidated girls he has dated. You really don't know.

For you to say even DD said it was out of character makes it seem you were more concerned about getting everyone to sweep this under the carpet, including your DD.

You've let this slide and let your DD down. She won't forgive you.

You wonder how entitled abusive men come about in this world, you and your DH can just look in the mirror.

lameasahorse · 27/05/2022 15:44

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wellhelloitsme · 27/05/2022 16:11

Snoozer11 · 27/05/2022 15:40

Brother and sister have a spat.

... which brother escalates to physical violence.

They are not equal parties in this.

mynameisbrian · 27/05/2022 16:19

I think this thread is all a little OTT- if the OP had come on here and stated her DD was being regularly shoved , pushed by her big brother i would agree with the repsonses.
Howver a one off incident with no previous should be able to be sorted out between siblings with parents involved as required. Folks banging on about being abused in their own homes by brothers are projecting. The issue here is the son needs to be spoken to about assaulting his sister. As a mother of 3 boys they have been brought knowing assaulting woman whether that be physical or emotional is not acceptable. That includes their sister. So I am not minimising this situation.

Funny enough my DD would be considered the abuser in my house with my 3 boys. She is rude, arrogant and regulalry hogs the toilet and bathroom. Helps herself to peoples things. Her older brother has lost the plot it with her and he would have been viewed as being abusive when he lost it the once he did.
He isnt an abuser and i didnt throw him out. I dealt with my DD to talk to her about her attitude within the home.

wellhelloitsme · 27/05/2022 16:21

Folks banging on about being abused in their own homes by brothers are projecting.

Was there really a need to describe people sharing their personal stories as 'banging on'?

As a mother of 3 boys they have been brought knowing assaulting woman whether that be physical or emotional is not acceptable. That includes their sister.

And yet when it happens to your sister, it was apparently deserved, he wasn't labelled abusive and you bollocked her...

Her older brother has lost the plot it with her and he would have been viewed as being abusive when he lost it the once he did. He isnt an abuser and i didnt throw him out. I dealt with my DD to talk to her about her attitude within the home.

lameasahorse · 27/05/2022 16:29

This reply has been withdrawn

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wellhelloitsme · 27/05/2022 16:30

wellhelloitsme · 27/05/2022 16:21

Folks banging on about being abused in their own homes by brothers are projecting.

Was there really a need to describe people sharing their personal stories as 'banging on'?

As a mother of 3 boys they have been brought knowing assaulting woman whether that be physical or emotional is not acceptable. That includes their sister.

And yet when it happens to your sister, it was apparently deserved, he wasn't labelled abusive and you bollocked her...

Her older brother has lost the plot it with her and he would have been viewed as being abusive when he lost it the once he did. He isnt an abuser and i didnt throw him out. I dealt with my DD to talk to her about her attitude within the home.

To their sister that was meant to say.

Coyoacan · 27/05/2022 16:31

Why can't people teach their children not to physically assault their siblings? It might be a starting place for the end of domestic violence in general.

It is terrifying to see how many women will defend a violent man.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/05/2022 16:34

Folks banging on about being abused in their own homes by brothers are projecting.

'Banging on'. Thanks.

Innocenta · 27/05/2022 16:36

@mynameisbrian Wow. Among stiff competition, you may have taken the 'worst post of the thread' award.

Aubriella · 27/05/2022 16:37

mynameisbrian · 27/05/2022 16:19

I think this thread is all a little OTT- if the OP had come on here and stated her DD was being regularly shoved , pushed by her big brother i would agree with the repsonses.
Howver a one off incident with no previous should be able to be sorted out between siblings with parents involved as required. Folks banging on about being abused in their own homes by brothers are projecting. The issue here is the son needs to be spoken to about assaulting his sister. As a mother of 3 boys they have been brought knowing assaulting woman whether that be physical or emotional is not acceptable. That includes their sister. So I am not minimising this situation.

Funny enough my DD would be considered the abuser in my house with my 3 boys. She is rude, arrogant and regulalry hogs the toilet and bathroom. Helps herself to peoples things. Her older brother has lost the plot it with her and he would have been viewed as being abusive when he lost it the once he did.
He isnt an abuser and i didnt throw him out. I dealt with my DD to talk to her about her attitude within the home.

Why do posts from women sharing their experiences make posters called 'Brian' insult and minimise their experiences? I wonder....