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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS21 threatened DD18

485 replies

Safarigiraffe · 25/05/2022 22:30

Today when me/husband were at work DS was in the bathroom & DD had just got ready to leave to go to college. DD knocked on bathroom door & asked my son to hurry up as she was on a tight schedule to get the bus to leave, DS said to her no you have to wait and DD became agitated and started shouting at him to hurry up.
DS then came out the bathroom shoving daughter back in the stomach hard shouting/swearing & intimidating her so DD at this point was very visibly upset & shaking as it wasn’t like my son to react on this way and went to the bathroom to which DS then pushed the door open again shouting/swearing in her face.
DD was at college crying on/off all day, now we have spoken to DD & to DD saying this must never happen again, DS is refusing to apologise & DD never wants to speak to him ever again saying she now feels uncomfortable to be in the house with him however we both work and can’t take time off. (DD is at college DS at Uni)
Can anyone advise of the best way forward here
Many thanks to everyone

OP posts:
Original poster
Safarigiraffe · 28/05/2022 23:43

My husband did have strong words with my son saying similar

OP posts:
lameasahorse · 28/05/2022 23:47

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Starseeking · 28/05/2022 23:50

Sounds like DS is your golden boy, my mum was like this with my brother. Allowed him to bully me for years, then claim I was the unreasonable one, and taking "jokes" too seriously. I blame her fully for not taking him to task during my childhood, and as a result we are not emotionally close. Your DD will likely go the same way, if you don't take serious action to protect her.

wellhelloitsme · 29/05/2022 00:00

Starseeking · 28/05/2022 23:50

Sounds like DS is your golden boy, my mum was like this with my brother. Allowed him to bully me for years, then claim I was the unreasonable one, and taking "jokes" too seriously. I blame her fully for not taking him to task during my childhood, and as a result we are not emotionally close. Your DD will likely go the same way, if you don't take serious action to protect her.

Same. And the classic "just ignore him, you know what he's like" putting the onus on me to not react rather than on him not to bully me. Awful.

autienotnaughty · 29/05/2022 00:14

The question is did he shove/punch her? In yes then it needs to be dealt with. You have to show your dd this behaviour is unacceptable from anyone. Otherwise your teaching her she is not worthy of being treated with respect.

SweetMystery · 29/05/2022 00:18

Starseeking · 28/05/2022 23:50

Sounds like DS is your golden boy, my mum was like this with my brother. Allowed him to bully me for years, then claim I was the unreasonable one, and taking "jokes" too seriously. I blame her fully for not taking him to task during my childhood, and as a result we are not emotionally close. Your DD will likely go the same way, if you don't take serious action to protect her.

I disagree that OP’s son is the golden boy.
She was very quick to blame him for the whole situation at first, having only spoken to her DD.

She’s now spoken to both of them and knows that (presuming they are both telling the truth) that her DD was verbally abusive and her son retaliated with physical aggression.

autienotnaughty · 29/05/2022 00:21

@Derbee is that genuinely your view that someone who should at another person deserves to be hit?😬

Original poster
Safarigiraffe · 29/05/2022 00:22

Starseeking - In no way is my son the golden child I do not have favourites between them at all - I spoke to my son & so did my husband we both took DDs side on this and still do, however while we do not condone the pushing/shoving (my son claims he didn’t) my daughter was verbally abusive banging on the door/swearing (my daughter says she wasn’t)

OP posts:
Original poster
Safarigiraffe · 29/05/2022 00:23

No one deserves to be hit but no one deserves to be verbally abusive either so to me they are both at fault here but my son more for pushing

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 29/05/2022 00:26

You said earlier in the thread that she isn't one to lie.

You also know she was upset for the whole day and that she was frightened of him even though this was out of character.

She told you she didn't want to be left alone with him.

He on the other hand flatly refused to discuss it at all for at least a day or too. Has only claimed her version of events is untrue days later.

It sounds like she must be very convincing if it wasn't true. I know who I would be believing.

Not because she's female, because her being the victim of a physical assault rings true based on her response vs his.

wellhelloitsme · 29/05/2022 00:27

Safarigiraffe · 29/05/2022 00:23

No one deserves to be hit but no one deserves to be verbally abusive either so to me they are both at fault here but my son more for pushing

You said 'equally to blame' though until challenged again for this review.

'No one deserves to be hit' should be followed by a full stop. Especially if the person doing the hitting is bigger and stronger.

wellhelloitsme · 29/05/2022 00:27

For this view that was meant to stay, not review.

ladydimitrescu · 29/05/2022 00:39

They are not equally to blame!! There is NO excuse for your son to put his hands on your daughter, whether she swore or not!!

lameasahorse · 29/05/2022 00:41

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Hoardasurass · 29/05/2022 01:01

Another disgusting case of victim blaming and from the mother of the victim. All the way through this thread you have defended your son and refused to make your son face the consequences of his actions and now you want to blame your daughter for your sons behaviour and take his word as gospel.
Tell me @Safarigiraffe when your sons girlfriend/partner/wife tells you that he beats her will you excuse his behaviour again? I'm just wondering how many women does he have to assault before you accept that he is an abuser?

SammyScrounge · 29/05/2022 01:31

Mumwantingtogetitright · 28/05/2022 22:36

Woe. I guess this is how men learn that sometimes women just deserve to be physically assaulted.

And also that other people will minimise it until it seems he did nothing wrong at all.

Hawkins001 · 29/05/2022 01:41

Omg, all the best and positivity op

Bubblesandsqueak1 · 29/05/2022 01:48

What people don't seem to be getting is both young adults have different stories how is she meant to know 100% what happened the dd says she was shouting and banging on the door and he them pushed her and was shouting and swearing at her, and he says she was shouting and swearing at him so he did it back now she is claiming she wasn't shouting and swearing and he is claiming he didn't push her, the op took the dd side straight away so no wonder the son would not have wanted to talk about it at the time due to the fact he was accused without hearing his side and bollocked of his parents, now once it had settled a bit he has told his side which is different to the dd but the dd has also changed her story too

Coyoacan · 29/05/2022 04:41

I feel so sorry for you, OP. You have let your son down so dreadfully. This was a teaching moment and you have failed him. He will go on to hit his girlfriends when they swear at him and will end up a lonely sad man, without even his sister's love.

Starseeking · 29/05/2022 06:14

Funny how it took your DS 4 days to claim he'd not hit/pushed your DD. If someone claimed I'd been physical with them, I'd be denying it straight away, not mumbling things about it "being sorted, don't worry about it".

How convenient that selective memory of his is.

billy1966 · 29/05/2022 07:27

Both your children are being failed.

Your son realising that his parents will accept a story change days later and he can assault his sister.

Your daughter whom you now don't believe, being called verbally abusive by you, despite her terrible upset at college.

You are just another set of parents who are allowing golden son abuse his sister.

She will hopefully reach out for support outside the family and move out as soon as she can to somewhere safe.

She will make a life for herself and never forget how her parents, especially her mother, chose to make her responsible for being assaulted by her brother.

As she matures, she will realise exactly how you failed her and she will pull away from you and your family.

As for the spoiled lying thug you are raising, no doubt it will be girlfriends, wifes, and grandchildrens fault that he feels he can push and shove them around.

Pancakeorcrepe · 29/05/2022 07:35

Wow OP your updates make for very depressing reading, you really have let your daughter down. You are supporting toxic masculinity. Please have a good look at yourself. You don’t deserve your daughter.

CanofCant · 29/05/2022 07:43

Safarigiraffe · 28/05/2022 22:39

My son doesn’t take drugs this was a very out of character situation for him We as parents did not condone what my son did he was spoken to

If he wasn't physical with her as he claims then what is so out of character? If you believe his version of events then they just shouted out each other.

frazzledasarock · 29/05/2022 07:48

There was a thread here a while ago about a poster scared her children would go NC with her and she’d never know why. Because apparently so many people do that.

OP no doubt a few years down the line you’ll be wondering why your DD wants nothing to do with you.

your DC are not equally to blame. You know for a fact your son assaulted his sister. I hope next time woman he assaults calls the police straight away.

QuebecBagnet · 29/05/2022 07:49

Don’t be surprised if your Dd sees this as a seminal moment in her relationship with you. Over the years on MN you see stories of people who have gone NC with their parents and it’s often a catalogue of such events which push people into this decision. Parents having a golden adult child, etc. You’ve let your Dd down big time.

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