To not tell baby’s name to stranger in park

[BilboBagBin]

NCed incase minute chance the guy sees this and can get info on us.

And sorry if this is unnecessarily long.

DD is under one. We went to shops and had picnic lunch in city centre park on way back. Park was busy as it was sunny today, plus has lots of paths used to walk through/cross through to high street, and is near the Uni.

We sat in shade of tree on grass away from but within site of main path. Some sunbather around etc

Am just minding my own business feeding the baby (DD tried cress for first time and was less than impressed) and enjoying spending mum/baby time together.

A young man, maybe twenty (without my noticing) had crossed the grass to us and asks ‘what is dear daughters name?’

Looked like a student with hoody and rucksack but would also describe as looking smart.

I was completely thrown by being approached and asked this out of nowhere and said something ridiculous like I didn’t want to have a conversation with him. (I meant I didn’t want to tell him her name but didn’t know how to phrase it) He very calmly replies “can I ask why that is?”

Again, was a bit thrown by being asked to justify why I didn’t want to speak to a complete stranger in the park (my brain was saying ‘Sarah Everard’) so I just said I didn’t feel comfortable. He looked a bit put out but seemed to accept that and left.

Its hard to put my finger on it but the whole thing just really put my back up. There are lots of scenarios in which I would talk to strangers/men in the park and even tell them DDs name but…

Things that felt off were:

No preamble. If he had made some kind of small talk about baby etc before asking for personal info I would have found it more normal.

He wasn’t with anyone, a child/woman/friends.

He had to deliberately come out of his way (presumably) to get over to us.

No reason given for needing to know baby’s name (comes under small talk I guess)

He was standing and I was sitting.

There was a MN thread a few months back about something like ‘have you ever been in the presence of evil,’ I wouldn’t go that far but that is the kind of thing it was like, just felt dodgy even though the guy didn’t do anything and appeared ‘upstanding.’ Maybe he would have gone on to ask me if I accepted God in my life or similar, who knows,

So UABU: I was rude to random guy in park and should have told him DDs name. (I wasn’t rude in the way I spoke to him but some people might consider not being willing to chat with a stranger rude)

or UANBU better safe then sorry

Felt like I had to keep checking behind me on way home.

It’s never unreasonable to refuse to engage with someone who’s making you feel uncomfortable. Doesn’t matter what they think.

Probably one pf those god awful blokes targeting women for practicing conversation.

yes, it's a thing.

no, you were not unreasonable.

He was probably a chugger and then was going to strike up the conversation about how wonderful children are and would you like to donate every month to help poor children in wherever.

YANBU

Odd behaviour (him). Trust your instincts and don't overthink it

He refers to her as 'dear daughter' ? How bizarre

I think you just know when someone's intentions are perhaps not quite transparent. Well, I do. My best friend is the sort where we were on a train, a terrifying man with a shaved head asked us if we spoke French and she chirped "She does!" and pointed to me. At which point he revealed himself to be an actual Nazi.

I'm quite impressed with what you said to be honest. I probably would have told him the name and then beaten myself up about it for ages.

YANBU. I would find that really disconcerting. I have a 20 year old DS and a 22 year old DS and I know for a fact they would not be interested in asking questions about some stranger’s baby. Neither would my DDs or indeed myself for that matter. Very weird behaviour.

I came to say it is totally normal to be asked about the baby's name. I have been literally asked just now. But no. Your situation was odd. Quite odd.

I really would put money on him being a chugger as they've used that opening line on me when my children were young and in recent times when I've been with my sisters grandchildren.

It will be for Save the Children something or other.

What's a chugger

Chugger is a charity mugger. someone trying to get money for a charity

I'd be wary, if a small child is called by their name, say in a park by someone the child has seen talking to mum they may be inclined to trust them, so you did the right thing

Aahhh thanks! I didn't realise they had a name 🤣

He sounds like a weirdo. You did the right thing.

No, it's a presumption and it's extremely rude. You can lose nothing from listening to those all-important gut instincts, but the price of ignoring them might be significantly higher than causing offence to a stranger (who, after all, approached you and not the other way round).

I got the same feeling when a man sitting across the aisle from on a flight asked my name and the destination I was heading to after we landed. It was a transatlantic flight and I was (but of course!) a lone female traveller. Before even thinking about it I'd reacted with genuine surprise and blurted, 'er, why would you want to know?' I think my obvious astonishment caught him offguard as he'd doubtless expected my immediate compliance inline with female socialization. He muttered the obligatory disclaimer about making polite conversation and I exclaimed cheerfully, 'yes, lovely weather we've been having isn't it?' and pointedly buried my nose in a book.

In your situation, the fact that he calmly asked you 'may I ask why that is' would be what rang the warning klaxons in my mind. That's brazen, and it shows a persistence that is worrying. 'No, you may not', is the only possible response. You don't have to justify your desire to be left alone, especially to complete strangers. The utter effrontery blows my mind: just who do these accosting males think they are?

A more serious point is that this is the first thing Gavin deBecker, in his book The Gift of Fear, warns about. If a man offers you his 'help', or demands something from you and you decline, persisting in that course and a seeming inability to hear 'no' is a very worrying sign.

Never ignore your gut instincts (and in mums of young children these are more finely-honed than most). And although it's dated now, the above book could very well be a lifesaver.

When I read your thread title I was preparing to say it’s just one of the normal questions people ask about a baby - what’s his/her name, how old is he/she, how’s he/she sleeping, etc.

But no. That’s not normal. YWNBU at all.

You were not unreasonable. As you've said the lack of preamble is odd. If you'd sat on the same bench as someone who struck up a conversation along the lines of 'ah, isn't she cute, how old?' 'What's her name' that would have felt a a bit more normal but to be approached like that was definitely odd.

Chuggers are required to wear ID badges aren’t they? They always have lanyards on.

I can’t stand nosy strangers! You’re not alone in feeling this way OP. I think you handled it very well.

He knew that he was intimidating you.

Maybe theyve got autism

YANBU

You are not obliged to talk to anyone if you don't want to. Please don't doubt yourself.

ypire fine - you don’t have to be polite to people who are making you feel uncomfortable. Always trust your instincts, always.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks your points about the social compliance are very interesting, I will try and have a read of that book.

Another person who clicked this thread to discover why you'd been needlessly rude to a little old lady at the supermarket check out but no, no, this seems perfectly reasonable by you!