To not tell baby’s name to stranger in park

[BilboBagBin]

NCed incase minute chance the guy sees this and can get info on us.

And sorry if this is unnecessarily long.

DD is under one. We went to shops and had picnic lunch in city centre park on way back. Park was busy as it was sunny today, plus has lots of paths used to walk through/cross through to high street, and is near the Uni.

We sat in shade of tree on grass away from but within site of main path. Some sunbather around etc

Am just minding my own business feeding the baby (DD tried cress for first time and was less than impressed) and enjoying spending mum/baby time together.

A young man, maybe twenty (without my noticing) had crossed the grass to us and asks ‘what is dear daughters name?’

Looked like a student with hoody and rucksack but would also describe as looking smart.

I was completely thrown by being approached and asked this out of nowhere and said something ridiculous like I didn’t want to have a conversation with him. (I meant I didn’t want to tell him her name but didn’t know how to phrase it) He very calmly replies “can I ask why that is?”

Again, was a bit thrown by being asked to justify why I didn’t want to speak to a complete stranger in the park (my brain was saying ‘Sarah Everard’) so I just said I didn’t feel comfortable. He looked a bit put out but seemed to accept that and left.

Its hard to put my finger on it but the whole thing just really put my back up. There are lots of scenarios in which I would talk to strangers/men in the park and even tell them DDs name but…

Things that felt off were:

No preamble. If he had made some kind of small talk about baby etc before asking for personal info I would have found it more normal.

He wasn’t with anyone, a child/woman/friends.

He had to deliberately come out of his way (presumably) to get over to us.

No reason given for needing to know baby’s name (comes under small talk I guess)

He was standing and I was sitting.

There was a MN thread a few months back about something like ‘have you ever been in the presence of evil,’ I wouldn’t go that far but that is the kind of thing it was like, just felt dodgy even though the guy didn’t do anything and appeared ‘upstanding.’ Maybe he would have gone on to ask me if I accepted God in my life or similar, who knows,

So UABU: I was rude to random guy in park and should have told him DDs name. (I wasn’t rude in the way I spoke to him but some people might consider not being willing to chat with a stranger rude)

or UANBU better safe then sorry

Felt like I had to keep checking behind me on way home.

Are you serious? I’m BAME and I listen to my inner panic alarm regardless of the race of the man.

I used to work with someone like this. Very blunt. Lots of questions out of nowhere when I was alone with him that made me (and others uncomfortable). Really intense eye contact (I know autistic people usually avoid eye contact but he would stare and rarely blink). He had autism. Ofc autism manifests differently in different people.

Asking for a baby or dog’s name is normal, but only if you’ve been chatting beforehand! Did he really say “dear daughter” and “can I ask why”? Creepy.

@Aubriella Sure, people never have racial biases. We're lucky to live in such a society!

He didn't say 'dear daughter' that's the OP trying to imply he's odder than he is. Sad that people can't be civil anymore without being accused of being a murderer or paedophile.

@pucelleauxblanchesmains thanks. I can’t really say for certain based on the short interaction but, having known and worked with various neurodiverse people over the years, he didn’t strike me as autistic but it’s a possibility.

He sounds like a Mormon? Dear daughter? Bit odd. It depends on context for speaking to strangers about dd but yeah gut instinct is always right.

Good point! I’m more used to people asking age/gender first before sweeping in for a name. (DD was looking confused throughout this whole interaction and she is usually waving at literally anyone in the street)

That sounds like a classic case of autism to me. Yabu.

I would have made up a name to not make it awks

@BilboBagBin so your baby didn't like him either yeah right, how can a baby under one look confused !

Why would he be on Mumsnet and how would he recognise you enough to find you again?

Please unclench

@RedHelenB I agree, he might have been plucking up courage to talk to someone for ages, poor guy.

I was just paraphrasing with Mumsnet jargon, he said ‘baby’ rather than ’DD’ but he did actually say “can I ask why.”

As I said, no reason to suspect he was a murderer etc except that my inner alarm was going off as people have said.

To be a bit more specific, I suppose I was mainly thinking of DDs safety in the moment. Have seen news reports of an attempt to snatch a 2yold recently in our county so maybe that was at the back of my mind influencing my reaction.

Yes op he is definitely going to abduct your child after finding you on Mumsnet

You did the right thing Op, don't question yourself and always trust your instincts.

@lollipoprainbow trying to not be too specific about our personal details online hence non-specific about age. You will find that most babies are able to express themselves and interact with others non verbally from a few months. She is a friendly baby with personality who is usually waving at randoms nearby,

Of course YANBU no obligation to speak to strangers ever, however upstanding or polite. Who knows his intentions but I suspect self motivated - as others have suggested, pracisting talking to women / chugger etc

I wholeheartedly agree with this @GenderAtheist

@GenderAtheist you sound delightful

I was expecting to think you'd been precious after chatting to someone in a queue.

But no, this guy was weird, OP. He was the one not following social norms, not you. Doesn't matter if his intentions were innocent, you are under no obligation to engage.

I was a lot more sympathetic to strangers trying to start conversations with me in the past. I had this odd idea that it made me a good person, but more often than not my only reward was prolonged uncomfortable weirdness. Then I noticed that men are rarely expected to behave as public entertainers, and I started being much less approachable.

You don't know much about autism, do you?

'A classic case'

I realise that some people don't have a great understanding of autism, perhaps maybe don't come along and armchair diagnose this weirdo?

Have you any idea of the harm this causes?

Thanks for the expert diagnosis, doc.

I am someone on the autistic spectrum, and have worked with people living with very challenging autism presentations. I know how difficult it can be for them to avoid awkward social situations.

This doesn't mean that strangers aren't allowed to feel uncomfortable or annoyed by being approached unannounced in public. Women don't exist to be available to others at a moment's notice, or to be instant carers if a need arises.

Yes, she does. An articulate female who is able to express her views directly and isn't susceptible to the kind of social conditioning which can actively expose women to danger. There are more mothers of girls who'd do well to take these attitudes on board and teach them to their daughters.

On a separate point, what's with this constant, lazy equating between women who have urgent, present and legitimate fears for their safeguarding, and racism? They might overlap but they are NOT the same, as I'd be forcefully (and rightly) told were I crass enough to compare my experiences as a female with those of black people.

It's disgusting, lazy thinking and a form of racism in itself. And it's increasingly prevalent in most political discussion today where the rights of women and certain other groups conflict.

No prizes for guessing where it came from.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks where in my post was I being racist ?? I certainly won't be teaching my daughter to be a man hater as so many on here seem to be.

Sorry @lollipoprainbow - I did mention that was on a separate point but didn't make it clear that it wasn't you who made it. No, you didn't say anything about racism and I apologise that I didn't make that clearer.

I'm not sure, however, where the equation is drawn between teaching daughters to be savvy about potential danger and 'hating' men.