To not tell baby’s name to stranger in park

[BilboBagBin]

NCed incase minute chance the guy sees this and can get info on us.

And sorry if this is unnecessarily long.

DD is under one. We went to shops and had picnic lunch in city centre park on way back. Park was busy as it was sunny today, plus has lots of paths used to walk through/cross through to high street, and is near the Uni.

We sat in shade of tree on grass away from but within site of main path. Some sunbather around etc

Am just minding my own business feeding the baby (DD tried cress for first time and was less than impressed) and enjoying spending mum/baby time together.

A young man, maybe twenty (without my noticing) had crossed the grass to us and asks ‘what is dear daughters name?’

Looked like a student with hoody and rucksack but would also describe as looking smart.

I was completely thrown by being approached and asked this out of nowhere and said something ridiculous like I didn’t want to have a conversation with him. (I meant I didn’t want to tell him her name but didn’t know how to phrase it) He very calmly replies “can I ask why that is?”

Again, was a bit thrown by being asked to justify why I didn’t want to speak to a complete stranger in the park (my brain was saying ‘Sarah Everard’) so I just said I didn’t feel comfortable. He looked a bit put out but seemed to accept that and left.

Its hard to put my finger on it but the whole thing just really put my back up. There are lots of scenarios in which I would talk to strangers/men in the park and even tell them DDs name but…

Things that felt off were:

No preamble. If he had made some kind of small talk about baby etc before asking for personal info I would have found it more normal.

He wasn’t with anyone, a child/woman/friends.

He had to deliberately come out of his way (presumably) to get over to us.

No reason given for needing to know baby’s name (comes under small talk I guess)

He was standing and I was sitting.

There was a MN thread a few months back about something like ‘have you ever been in the presence of evil,’ I wouldn’t go that far but that is the kind of thing it was like, just felt dodgy even though the guy didn’t do anything and appeared ‘upstanding.’ Maybe he would have gone on to ask me if I accepted God in my life or similar, who knows,

So UABU: I was rude to random guy in park and should have told him DDs name. (I wasn’t rude in the way I spoke to him but some people might consider not being willing to chat with a stranger rude)

or UANBU better safe then sorry

Felt like I had to keep checking behind me on way home.

I think you were paranoid and rude tbh. You were in a busy sunny Park at midday, nothing like the Sarah Everard circumstances

So it's fine for a random man to approach a woman and her baby uninvited and make her feel uncomfortable, as long as he isn't going to brutally murder her? Righto

I agree And I think OP was quite right in her responses and if indeed he was autistic he'd have learned something else about social interaction and " norms". It honestly think the follow up question was to find that out.

I just find the mumsnet world of never talking to strangers sad. It wouldn’t occur to me to mind a man asking me for directions like some on here.

Why though? If I ask a mam I would nt want the response of ask another woman.

It's not really about her name obviously, so your title doesn't work. You're perfectly reasonable not to engage with random people who make you feel uncomfortable. There's a reason you found this man strange and I hope you don't encounter him again.

That does sound likely.

I'd have probably just said another name.

You know what? I’m 50 this year and I had the deluded impression that this shit would stop by now. (Menopausal invisibility, etc…) No… Maybe it’s because I’m petite and blonde, I’m seen as “vulnerable”, but nobody could possibly mistake me for a model/actress/whatever, either… This kind of shit happened to me today while I was going about my work. I was dealing with three patients and one guy was circling like a shark. My radar was pinging from the time I realised that he was trying to force eye contact and submission. He kept coming into my personal space and interrupting my conversation, referring to me as “Missy”, “Young Lady”, “Madam” and “Lady”. I was not there to see him, and had no reason to engage him in conversation or him with me. (I ended up eyeballing the doctor and making him aware, but shouldn’t have to.)

This. The name change in case he finds you, is way over the top. This whole situation, and the way you reacted to it is odd.

@GenderAtheist great post.

This is what I want to teach my girls.

They do NOT have to tolerate ANY unwanted interaction.

That's a weird situation tbh. I wouldn't have wanted to carry on either.

That’s straightforwardly creepy. You weren’t BU at all.

YABU for name changing thinking he’d be on mumsnet to get info on you 😂

I can absolutely see why you thought it was odd and I can absolutely see why you didn't want to tell him.

The chances are that he was perfectly harmless and just completely lacking in social skills. Statistically he was extremely unlikely to have any sinister motive. But I think your discomfort about the whole thing was completely normal and I think most people would have been unsettled by his behaviour - it was 100% reasonable of you not to tell him your child's name. It's 100% reasonable not to engage with a person or situation who makes you feel uncomfortable for any reason.

As always, people will reply saying 'he's probably on the autism spectrum' and yes, maybe he was, but that a) isn't something you can possibly know from a single interaction and b) doesn't actually have any bearing on your response. Autism might explain someone's difficulty in reading social situations, certainly. But that absolutely does not mean you have to be forced into a conversation you're uncomfortable with, just to please them.

Also, it is quite annoying when people say 'Probably autistic' as if that instantly indicates that someone is harmless. Of course it doesn''t. There are dangerous neurodiverse people just like there are dangerous neurotypical people.

You trusted your instincts and you were right to do so. What kind of man approaches a lone mum like that? Very strange.

I often have these conversations with other parents when I am in the park or playground with my little ones but it's just natural chat. I wouldn't be asking if I didn't have the kids with me. It would be odd.

Horrible? Sorry you had that happen?
That’s an irrational response to a man saying “it gets dark here at 7pm”. Where’s the malice in that sentence? I would have just thought he was lonely and said “lucky it’s still only morning then” and carried on with my picnic.
I don’t feel most of you live in the real world!

While I agree that the name change was OTT and came across as a bit precious, I've also been in a position where something had worried me and made me feel very paranoid for a while.

At the same time, I'm reading responses from the 'Be Kind!' types who claim OP was mean and rude, and wonder what these people are actually like in real life. Do they go around holding hands with chatty strangers on the bus, and becoming instant helpmeets to anyone who wanders over to them with a suspected neurological atypicality? Would love to know what an average day is like for these busy unpaid, untrained community volunteers.

Definitely weird to approach you and ask for your child's name without any other conversation. I've had people ask my DD's name but that's when we've been chatting and they've been saying she's cute etc - so not just out of nowhere. I think if I'd have been in your situation I'd probably just have panicked and blurted out her name so actually thanks OP, you've prompted me to make sure I think more carefully if I ever find myself in this sort of situation.

Seriously? I'm a tall ex-screw who doesn't usually feel threatened, and is used to talking to people with neurological difficulties, but this would have set off my alarm bells and made me wary. It's a completely weird thing to say to someone, and potentially very loaded! And not something that a man with any self awareness or ideas about normal behaviour would say out of nowhere to a stranger.

Part of my training at work involved learning when service users were trying to test or push boundaries by using unprompted phrases that suggested vague threats (or sex) and seeing what the reaction was. Obviously I can't be sure, but "It gets dark here at night" sounds like an example. When this happens it's important not to start over-engaging or enabling that, as it can escalate.

Or are you just pretending to clutch your pearls because you're a Nice, Kind Girlie?

Paranoid and rude? SO FUCKING WHAT? Some random man might get his feelings hurt because a young mother minding her own fucking business doesn't want to talk to him?

Would he ask a young father out with his dd what her name is? and would young father be 'paranoid and rude' if he told him the same as OP did?

@GenderAtheist - fab post.

There are also thousands of creepy, blunt and direct British men.

Also the vast majority of sex offenders and paedos locked up in this country are British.

I won't even make eye contact with these people and don't engage with them by uttering a word. Perhaps it's my own history talking here, but I hugely value my personal time and personal space, and resent having that invaded by strangers approaching me and getting into my face, no matter what their motivation. A casual, pleasant conversation is something else and there are occasions when I welcome this - invasive behaviour is another thing and I won't encourage it on any pretext. Same applies to people trying to sell products or services over the doorstep.

That's my right. I prefer to choose my own charities to support, and if I need a product or service I will approach the provider, not the other way round. I don't need to justify this position to anyone simply because they have the presumption to demand it.

As you can imagine, I had a torrid time in Egypt and anywhere this invasive culture is commonplace. I would actively avoid going back for this reason alone.

A separate PP posted this:

Paranoid and rude? SO FUCKING WHAT? Some random man might get his feelings hurt because a young mother minding her own fucking business doesn't want to talk to him?

Applause 👋👋👋

@Badgirlriri

That’s an irrational response to a man saying “it gets dark here at 7pm”. Where’s the malice in that sentence?

It's a completely rational response, that other women have echoed on here in response to that post.

Just because you don't detect malice in that statement doesn't mean other people wouldn't and calling them irrational for feeling that way is very odd.

It was an unnecessary, uninvited statement to a women who is a completely stranger, about a time of day the park when then park essentially becomes more dangerous.

It's creepy as fuck.

Men shouldn't approach women who are strangers with uninvited comments because we can't tell which ones are safe and which ones are not. Decent blokes know that.

He does sound a bit odd tbh. The scenario would be different if he had children of his own with him or if you were actually passing him and he maybe just said something in passing like ‘cute baby’ as people do with babies/toddlers/dogs even. It’s the fact he went out of his way to approach you and his first question was to ask her name, just a bit odd.

I'm on a private Instagram account and I keep getting random guys trying to follow me and message me for my number. Most of the time, they're fine when I tell them politely that I'm married and not interested. However, a couple of weeks ago, one of these men decided to bombard my Instagram inbox with lots of messages as to why I didn't want to be 'friends' and give out my WhatsApp number. I had to block him and tbh was really annoyed that he couldn't accept 'no' as an answer.

that was my first thought