To think he should have said no?

[OnlyTheHuffle]

I've been away for a week with friends on holiday and got back today. I'm really tired (early and long flight) and starting with a bad cold. I was looking forward to coming home and going to bed and not getting up until late tomorrow as I'm off work.

My husband knew how tired I was and that I was starting to feel unwell but when I got home it turned out he'd agreed to have DSC here tonight (not usually our night) so ex can go out.

I could do without that in itself as I'm knackered and was looking forward to a quiet night but the thing that's really annoyed me is I always have to take DSDs to school on our days as DHs work starts too early.

So this means I now have to get up early to take them to school too.

AIBU to be annoyed and say he should have said no, knowing I was tired and unwell? And to say he can go in work late to take them.

The bar for men is set so low it's on the floor. I'd never be a step parent due to shit like this, I'm child free and would not want to be burdened with other people's children because their own parents CBA with them.
Hope OP got the lie in and the dad had to parent his own children instead of fobbing them off.

It's all context. If someone respects you and usually plans their time well and respects your time, it feels like a favour. If they usually don't, it feels like an imposition.

My DH would notice the problem immediately and couch it as "Sorry ENM, I completely didn't realise you were having the day off and thought you'd be OK to take them as usual - would you mind?" Then I would do it. Not for some fucker who didn't communicate or ask nicely!

You clearly can't argue that point!

@HandScreen You're making yourself look stupid repeatedly making sarcastic comments about other people's marriages not being happy because they see an issue with how OP is treated in hers. They/we are commenting because we ARE in happy, respectful relationships and recommend the same to others.

Favours are fine and great, but they are politely requested in respectful relationships. It becomes an issue when your spouse habitually volunteers things from you without asking if you are ok with it. Why you can't see the distinction is beyond me, but it's making your condescension look very foolish.

I suppose the difference is, we twnd to say yes to helping each other out!

In my experience people who are unable to engage in a discussion without resorting to personal comments or emotionally manipulation tend to be in mutually codependent relationships which work for as long as both parties remain equally codependent.

Some of the comments here are quite disappointing but it does explain why so many women tolerate being taken for granted. Too many men think they are entitled to a woman's time and effort without asking and far too many women are happy to take on the job of conditioning other women to know their place. So many women are shouldering the burden of housework, childcare, life admin etc, often whilst also holding down a job, and every time they resist the demand for yet one more "small favour" there is a chorus line of other women who pop up to ask, "would it really hurt to just...".

Relationships should be an equal partnership where both parties give consideration to their partner, that hasn't happened here. The husband has assumed he can allocate OP's time without discussing it. The issue is not the care of the step children it's about respect, the OP hasn't been shown any. The OP is worried that saying no will result in complaints from her husband, it's next level entitlement to volunteer someone else's time and then complain if they don't comply.

The OP is not a family convenience utility and she is not obliged to quantify harm/inconvenience as a justification for not doing something she wasn't asked about. She may well have willingly agreed if she had been asked rather than taken for granted.

Of course YANBU.

But surely you are not surprised.

He didn't look after his child with you and volunteers you without consultation.

You are just another young woman sucked into being the skivvy aupair for a man who has zero interest in looking after any of his children.

Let him be late.

He is displaying the clearest example of his absolute disrespect for you.

Funny how these divorced couples make maximum use out of the skivvy au pair that the man sucks in.

Stand up for yourself or be utterly used.
Your choice.

I'm back and I had my lie in, feel much better! I didn't take them, he went to work late. As expected there were some huffs about it and how he didn't see why it was such a hardship for me but anyway he did it and I got my sleep!

I have to laugh at those couple of PPs who are mad (jealous?) about the fact I got a child free week and went on holiday and then dared to be tired / ill afterward. If you must know it was the first break I've had in years and my parents ASKED to take our DC away. Was I supposed to stay home and do nothing whilst they've been gone? Yeah I damn well enjoyed my week off, be as bitter as you like about it

Great update OP. Did you talk to your husband about the need to discuss with you when he's planning to have DSC for additional days and wants you to do the school run going forward? Seems the perfect opportunity.

Well done OP.

Let him huff.

Don't be used.

You will bitterly regret not having boundaries.

Your step child/children have two parents.

Let them sort it out.

Don't be used by either or them.

Glad you’re feeling better. Depending on the level of huffing he indulged in, I’d be reviewing further favours like dropping them to school. You’re not obliged to stick to an arrangement if it no longer suits you, or if you feel it’s not appropriately appreciated.

I imagine she is, her relationships aren’t ones defined by servitude.

There’s quite the difference between a request and an imposition.

Good for you OP. Glad you're feeling better and didn't allow yourself to be used. Your DH might not be so willing to agree to doing favours in future now he realises the work will fall to him rather than being handed off to you.

As a mother if I'd have had a break and come home coldy I'd have been thrilled to see my dc and getting up for the school run was non negotiable. As a step mother, you married the man and I think you need to such up everything that comes with marrying a man with children.

Lol. Basically when a man with children marries a woman he can rest easy in the knowledge that the wife will take over childcare duties whether she wants to or not.

What do you mean getting up for the school run was non-negotiable?

Are you saying the step-mother has no right to say no?

Is that because your own step-mother had no right to say no to such demands voiced by your father?

But using that analogy, it’s not the equivalent to someone asking their partner if they could please pick up lunch (which is reasonable). It’s someone telling their partner that they have been volunteered to pick up someone else’s lunch (which is not reasonable).

I get the impression that if OP had been asked then that would have been a bit different.

This. And if she had been asked, and said no due to how she was feeling, that should be accepted graciously.

I do favours for my husband all the time, and he does the same for me. We ask each other though, and if for whatever reason the answer is ‘no’ then that’s fine. You can’t always be in a position to accommodate. Amazing how some women think a happy relationship is doing whatever you’re voluntold to do though. Fuck that.

I suppose the difference is, we twnd to say yes to helping each other out!

Which she does, every normal school day, to facilitate his job. You just think she should never refuse. Surrendered wife much?

But surely in this case her husband didn’t ask? He assume she would do it so went ahead and made the arrangements.

that shows a lack of respect for her time. Don’t worry ex wife my new wife will take our children to school. I couldn’t possibly because I am an important business man whose time is valuable. But the new wife is more than happy to give up her time. I don’t even have to ask her! She is, after all, female and those girls love a good school run!

Surrenderwife? Such misogynistic language to use.

Surrenderwife? Such misogynistic language to use.

Oh the irony...

IKR?

100% agree @Aubriella Where was your actual parent in all this @RosesAndHellebores ? why could he not suck it up and do what he needed to for his own actual real life kids....

Your anger is misogeny,

He's at work did you miss that bit for the most of us going in late isn't an option it's not a case of CBA

He's at work did you miss that bit for the most of us going in late isn't an option it's not a case of CBA

Then he should have told his ex he can't help. The issue is he is prioritising his ex's night out over his wife's time.