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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he should have said no?

214 replies

OnlyTheHuffle · 24/05/2022 18:40

I've been away for a week with friends on holiday and got back today. I'm really tired (early and long flight) and starting with a bad cold. I was looking forward to coming home and going to bed and not getting up until late tomorrow as I'm off work.

My husband knew how tired I was and that I was starting to feel unwell but when I got home it turned out he'd agreed to have DSC here tonight (not usually our night) so ex can go out.

I could do without that in itself as I'm knackered and was looking forward to a quiet night but the thing that's really annoyed me is I always have to take DSDs to school on our days as DHs work starts too early.

So this means I now have to get up early to take them to school too.

AIBU to be annoyed and say he should have said no, knowing I was tired and unwell? And to say he can go in work late to take them.

OP posts:
JohnnyCashmachine · 24/05/2022 23:44

AskingforaBaskin · 24/05/2022 23:26

There is a pecking order. They aren't hers. She didn't make them. She isn't responsible for them. Their father who is well and able is right there.

Show quote history

Wow. These poor kids, who presumably didn't want to come from a broken home, are now being marked down in the pecking order. Being used in some sort of stupid marital battle with their father and step mother. But, hey ho, they are further down the pecking order so just collateral damage

AskingforaBaskin · 24/05/2022 23:52

JohnnyCashmachine · 24/05/2022 23:44

Wow. These poor kids, who presumably didn't want to come from a broken home, are now being marked down in the pecking order. Being used in some sort of stupid marital battle with their father and step mother. But, hey ho, they are further down the pecking order so just collateral damage

Show quote history

Oh boohoo they won't know jack shit of any of this unless their father is an actual POS.

They're not her kids. Why should she?
He wanted them there. He made them and he can damn well do it.

I dont know where you read that when a woman marries a man all parental responsibility and burdens passes from him to her and he is free. But it was fake news.

Threetulips · 24/05/2022 23:52

You think? In this scenario it’s obvious OP is last in the pecking order.

whumpthereitis · 25/05/2022 00:58

Lol. If all things are equal then I imagine her DH and his ex will happily give her PR as well as equal say in how they’re raised.

OP, you’re NBU. You’re not responsible for sorting out his children. That’s on him.

SomersetONeil · 25/05/2022 00:59

I dont know where you read that when a woman marries a man all parental responsibility and burdens passes from him to her and he is free. But it was fake news.

THIS ^^

God forbid Dad should step up to the plate 🙄

AtrociousCircumstance · 25/05/2022 01:06

Absolutely he takes them and has to grovel to his workplace about his lateness.

Casually using you? Nope.

SomersetONeil · 25/05/2022 01:15

I cannot believe the outrage from a minority on here that the OP won’t do something for her step-children, when she wasn’t even consulted….

…but the father doing it - when HE offered - isn’t even a consideration.

Can you actually hear yourselves?

Moser85 · 25/05/2022 01:16

AIBU to be annoyed and say he should have said no, knowing I was tired and unwell? And to say he can go in work late to take them.

YABU to say he should have said no to them staying.
YANBU to say he should take them to school.

I feel like the results of your poll will be skewed because they are 2 different things.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 25/05/2022 01:40

YANBU, he should have said no unless this was arranged a while ago.
But since he has said yes, then he should be the one to suck it up and take the kids to school in the morning.
If that makes him late, then too bad. He shouldn't have assumed you'd be ok to do it.

tcjotm · 25/05/2022 02:17

He shouldn’t have volunteered you’d do something without checking with you. Even if you were paid help, if it wasn’t your day to be doing the job, you can’t be expected to do it without being asked first. He didn’t ask, it’s his problem to sort.

Nothing to do with how much anyone loves the children FFS. You don’t go around volunteering other people to do tasks.

mathanxiety · 25/05/2022 03:02

He cant agree something as a favour to someone else when its basically you doing the favour for him.

Yes, this ^^

GoodThinkingMax · 25/05/2022 03:08

OnlyTheHuffle · 24/05/2022 19:28

But why can't your OH just do it....

He'd be late for work, he starts at 8.

We do actually share a DC but they are away with my parents (nursery age) at the moment hence why I went away this week!

Sounds like he’s subconsciously punishing you for going away on a holiday.

HoppingPavlova · 25/05/2022 03:13

Not unreasonable at all for him to have his children, but HE needs to get them to school tomorrow or make arrangements that don’t involve you.

lickenchugget · 25/05/2022 03:27

RosesAndHellebores · 24/05/2022 22:54

As a step child (62 now). Your DH came as a package.

I know only too well about conditional acceptance, let alone love.

As a grown up step child I think you are being v v v v unreasonable. As a mother if I'd have had a break and come home coldy I'd have been thrilled to see my dc and getting up for the school run was non negotiable. As a step mother, you married the man and I think you need to such up everything that comes with marrying a man with children.

Nope.

lickenchugget · 25/05/2022 03:30

SlightlyGeordieJohn · 24/05/2022 21:42

I do, and that in no way makes up for the abhorrent “but they’re not mine”, clearly setting out the pecking order.

The OP should be thoroughly ashamed of that.

Show quote history

But they aren’t hers?

Dad’s child; Dad’s responsibility

Vikinga · 25/05/2022 03:37

You should have been consulted op.
My ex started planning stuff for me to do with my kids without consulting me so I refused. If it is during my time with them, I need to get consulted first (just like I do him). Stand your ground op and enjoy your lie in.

MangyInseam · 25/05/2022 04:01

If you marry someone who already has kids, you are becoming a parent yourself, and that involves obligations that are not on a set timetable or just when you feel like it.

OTOH, if a parent in a family is sick, the other parents if at all possible should take on some of their tasks with the kids so that individual can rest.

NaughtyDaddyPig · 25/05/2022 04:04

How the other half live.
Week long child free holiday with grandparents looking after the toddler.

You said you'd do drop offs so I'm with him there.
You've had a week away and can just go to bed after if it's close.
Yes I agree he should have sorted it himself if he was expecting someone else to do the drop off.

Has he had a week child free as well?

BadNomad · 25/05/2022 04:21

If you marry someone who already has kids, you are becoming a parent yourself

Nah. Not at all. Parents get a say in what happens to their kids. They get to discuss and decide on things equally with the other parent. Step-parents, however, just get told "this is what's happening" and have to lump it.

Moser85 · 25/05/2022 04:23

JohnnyCashmachine · 24/05/2022 23:22

This is the reality of having a blended family. If it was your own child would you moan about taking them to school? Assume you were aware of the children before you married now DH

Exactly, it's a blended family.

"They're not my kids". Well they're your childs siblings.

Moser85 · 25/05/2022 04:30

WickedWitchOfTheEast87 · 24/05/2022 22:58

@OnlyTheHuffle If he complains about having to be late reply "next time you won't be so quick to do ex a favour when YOU have to be the one doing the favour rather than rely on me/assume I'll step in and do it for you" your DH is a cheeky sod and this will make him learn the hard way I bet he'll ask in future before he agrees and assumes you'll do it for him.

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If I had a partner living with me and blended a family with him and he discussed doing a small family related task like that in such a horrible way I'd think he was an absolute cunt tbh

I'd be seriously rethinking having him in my kids life as a step-parent if he thought they were such a burden and that any extra night having them was a 'favour' to my ex.

BadNomad · 25/05/2022 04:53

Moser85 · 25/05/2022 04:30

If I had a partner living with me and blended a family with him and he discussed doing a small family related task like that in such a horrible way I'd think he was an absolute cunt tbh

I'd be seriously rethinking having him in my kids life as a step-parent if he thought they were such a burden and that any extra night having them was a 'favour' to my ex.

Show quote history

Would you discuss the small family related task with him first? Or just go ahead and agree with your ex that he'll do it?

And if you rethink and decide you don't want him as a step-parent any more, who is going to take your kids to school on contact days?

Moser85 · 25/05/2022 05:10

@BadNomad
Yes generally I would think to double check it was ok first if it wasn't something he normally did on that day, but if I didn't think to check and he then spoke to me in that way about it I would think he was a cunt.

Obviously as I would then be living on my own I would have to make alternative arrangements 😀so whether that was with work or the breakfast club or whatever it was, I certainly wouldn't keep him around just because of convenience!

Fraaahnces · 25/05/2022 05:27

@BadNomad and that’s where you shot your argument out of the sky. It’s obviously NOT one of her regular days taking her step kids to school. She DIDN’T agree to that. She has been imposed upon by BOTH parents.

BTW, I genuinely think that if she was his employee rather than his wife, he would have acknowledged her as a human being instead of a function that serves his purpose. He would NEVER have assumed an employee would do extra, for free on their day off when they were sick.

RustyShackleford3 · 25/05/2022 05:59

There's a few strange comments here!

Of course it isn't ok for DH to volunteer his wife to get up early on her day off and run step child to school at the last minute. If he wants her to do this then he should have asked before agreeing to it.

I would just be very positive about it and assume that he's sorted the school run himself, since there was no communication otherwise. If it does turn out that he expects you to do it, that's the point at which you get pissed off at him.