Page 5 | To think he should have said no?

OnlyTheHuffle · 2022-05-24T17:40:09+00:00

I've been away for a week with friends on holiday and got back today. I'm really tired (early and long flight) and starting with a bad cold. I was looking forward to coming home and going to bed and not getting up until late tomorrow as I'm off work. My husband knew how tired I was and that I was starting to feel unwell but when I got home it turned out he'd agreed to have DSC here tonight (not usually our night) so ex can go out. I could do without that in itself as I'm knackered and was looking forward to a quiet night but the thing that's really annoyed me is I always have to take DSDs to school on our days as DHs work starts too early. So this means I now have to get up early to take them to school too. AIBU to be annoyed and say he should have said no, knowing I was tired and unwell? And to say he can go in work late to take them.

Youseethethingis1 · 24/05/2022 22:04

Using the distinction as the reason is appalling. It implies that they need to know their place, which is clearly below her biological children
It's not about the children's place above or below anybody, it's about OPs place. Which is clearly not at the decision making table WRT to the children because they are not her children.

Threetulips · 24/05/2022 22:09

When did he agree to have them? He may not have known that you were ill at that time

Thats irrelevant - I’ll or not he is no right to take up OPs morning when she hasn’t been consulted.

It doesn’t matter what the favour is, picking someone off, attending an event, visiting somewhere - if he hasn’t asked first then he should have to either cancel or rearrange his time.

Arenanewbie · 24/05/2022 22:19

I agree with PPs that as a general rule it’s unreasonable of your DH to commit you to something without checking with you. However it looks that you’ve made agreement to take DSC to school in the morning because of DH’s job without specifying about days. So I think you should suck it up this time and warn him that next time you should be consulted about any changes otherwise you won’t take them to school (and stick to it).
But this doesn’t matter if you are really unwell. I wouldn’t expect my partner stick to any childcare or whatever promises if he’s not well. The only thing I would expect from him to give me warning asap so I could make other arrangements.
Also how tricky is the job situation? Could your DH really come later tomorrow at a such short notice?

Dashdotdotdash · 24/05/2022 22:26

Threetulips · 24/05/2022 22:09

When did he agree to have them? He may not have known that you were ill at that time

Thats irrelevant - I’ll or not he is no right to take up OPs morning when she hasn’t been consulted.

It doesn’t matter what the favour is, picking someone off, attending an event, visiting somewhere - if he hasn’t asked first then he should have to either cancel or rearrange his time.

But OP clearly thinks it is massively relevant, otherwise she wouldn't have mentioned it.

AnneElliott · 24/05/2022 22:32

Op you are not BU. No-one should volunteer anyone else without checking. If it's not the normal day to have the DSC (and therefore op would t have expected to be taking them) then it's for the Dad to sort out.

What important job does he have that he can't go in late on one occasion? It annoys me that men do this.

He agreed to it - so he sorts it. He needs to learn the hard way that you won't step in and shoulder his responsibility unless you've been asked first.

Mellowyellow222 · 24/05/2022 22:35

It still amazes me that women take on these roles.

these aren’t even your children: why does the woman always have to take care of the children - why is the mans job considered more important?

he decided to take the children so he should have arranged for how to get them to school.

what if your flight had been delayed - what would he have done then? What do other parents In his work do about the school run?

and most importantly why can’t you tell him no without him collapsing into a childish whinny tantrum?

Agapornis · 24/05/2022 22:41

Are you sure your bad cold isn't covid... Extra reason to stay in.

allboysherebutme · 24/05/2022 22:48

Just tell him, you agreed to have him, I'm not well and I'm off work, you will have to go into work late and take him to school yourself. X

RosesAndHellebores · 24/05/2022 22:54

As a step child (62 now). Your DH came as a package.

I know only too well about conditional acceptance, let alone love.

As a grown up step child I think you are being v v v v unreasonable. As a mother if I'd have had a break and come home coldy I'd have been thrilled to see my dc and getting up for the school run was non negotiable. As a step mother, you married the man and I think you need to such up everything that comes with marrying a man with children.

aSofaNearYou · 24/05/2022 22:57

RosesAndHellebores · 24/05/2022 22:54

As a step child (62 now). Your DH came as a package.

I know only too well about conditional acceptance, let alone love.

As a grown up step child I think you are being v v v v unreasonable. As a mother if I'd have had a break and come home coldy I'd have been thrilled to see my dc and getting up for the school run was non negotiable. As a step mother, you married the man and I think you need to such up everything that comes with marrying a man with children.

You've reiterated many times that you are a step child but given very late indication you acrually understand the dynamics at play for step parents.

Butterfly1066 · 24/05/2022 22:58

@2Two it's not a race to the bottom

I don't think your opinion is relevant here

WickedWitchOfTheEast87 · 24/05/2022 22:58

OnlyTheHuffle · 24/05/2022 20:23

I'll tell him he'll have to be late, I was just asking if I were being unreasonable beforehand as I imagine I will face complaints about how he'll have to be late.

Show quote history

@OnlyTheHuffle If he complains about having to be late reply "next time you won't be so quick to do ex a favour when YOU have to be the one doing the favour rather than rely on me/assume I'll step in and do it for you" your DH is a cheeky sod and this will make him learn the hard way I bet he'll ask in future before he agrees and assumes you'll do it for him.

mbosnz · 24/05/2022 23:01

Well, sorry, but actual Dad said he'd pick up the slack for actual mother. What it turns out he was thinking was that not actual mother, would once again pull his dear wee balls out the fire, and he didn't even bother to check.

I can see why the stepmother is the wicked witch in this, in actual Mum's eyes, kids' eyes, and actual Dad's eyes, but to be honest, the actual parents have just been sending the shit down the line, and assuming that stepmother will yet again uncomplainingly step up.

I think I'd definitely kick against those traces.

Dashdotdotdash · 24/05/2022 23:05

Butterfly1066 · 24/05/2022 22:58

@2Two it's not a race to the bottom

I don't think your opinion is relevant here

Anyone's opinion is relevant here. You don't seem to understand social media.

FOJN · 24/05/2022 23:06

RosesAndHellebores · 24/05/2022 22:54

As a step child (62 now). Your DH came as a package.

I know only too well about conditional acceptance, let alone love.

As a grown up step child I think you are being v v v v unreasonable. As a mother if I'd have had a break and come home coldy I'd have been thrilled to see my dc and getting up for the school run was non negotiable. As a step mother, you married the man and I think you need to such up everything that comes with marrying a man with children.

What about Dad stepping up to parent or is that just the job of women because they have to be willing to be taken for granted to prove their unconditional acceptance?

He volunteered someone else's time to do a favour at no cost to himself, why is the woman the one in the wrong here? Does she not deserve any consideration when he's promising her time to do a favour he agreed to?

Mumwithbaggage · 24/05/2022 23:10

This would be a non-thing to me and I'd do it then go back to bed. Obviously I'm in the minority. If I've had a jolly away I feel I need to do my bit for family too (unless you are extremely unwell) - chid oghr step child. That's just me though.

Chubarubrub · 24/05/2022 23:16

OnlyTheHuffle · 24/05/2022 19:06

I know it'll be made out to not be a big deal because schools not far

Well if it’s not far he can take take them

Cherrysherbet · 24/05/2022 23:17

Hmm you’ve just had a week away, and your dc is being looked after by your parents?
Sounds like you don’t have such a bad deal tbh.

Im struggling to feel bad for you.

Get up and take the kids to School.

JohnnyCashmachine · 24/05/2022 23:22

This is the reality of having a blended family. If it was your own child would you moan about taking them to school? Assume you were aware of the children before you married now DH

AskingforaBaskin · 24/05/2022 23:26

SlightlyGeordieJohn · 24/05/2022 21:42

I do, and that in no way makes up for the abhorrent “but they’re not mine”, clearly setting out the pecking order.

The OP should be thoroughly ashamed of that.

Show quote history

There is a pecking order. They aren't hers. She didn't make them. She isn't responsible for them. Their father who is well and able is right there.

Fraaahnces · 24/05/2022 23:26

Yep… YANBU. Your DH needs to learn that your time is as valuable as his and ex’s. It’s not his to donate to placate her.

AskingforaBaskin · 24/05/2022 23:27

Arenanewbie · 24/05/2022 22:19

I agree with PPs that as a general rule it’s unreasonable of your DH to commit you to something without checking with you. However it looks that you’ve made agreement to take DSC to school in the morning because of DH’s job without specifying about days. So I think you should suck it up this time and warn him that next time you should be consulted about any changes otherwise you won’t take them to school (and stick to it).
But this doesn’t matter if you are really unwell. I wouldn’t expect my partner stick to any childcare or whatever promises if he’s not well. The only thing I would expect from him to give me warning asap so I could make other arrangements.
Also how tricky is the job situation? Could your DH really come later tomorrow at a such short notice?

Absolutly not. There is no contract here
She isn't obligated to fuck all.

If he can't be late without risking his job that is his problem

Booklover3 · 24/05/2022 23:28

I really hope you’ve told him he’ll be taking his own kids to school tomorrow OP.

AskingforaBaskin · 24/05/2022 23:30

RosesAndHellebores · 24/05/2022 22:54

As a step child (62 now). Your DH came as a package.

I know only too well about conditional acceptance, let alone love.

As a grown up step child I think you are being v v v v unreasonable. As a mother if I'd have had a break and come home coldy I'd have been thrilled to see my dc and getting up for the school run was non negotiable. As a step mother, you married the man and I think you need to such up everything that comes with marrying a man with children.

Did you have this level of entitlement and bitterness as a child?

May have had something to do with the Step parents perception of you.

WildCoasts · 24/05/2022 23:37

I don't think you're being unreasonable. Even if they are your own children, surely a caring partner would see you are sick and offer to take the children himself? I know my husband would. Of course, that depends how sick you are. If you're just a bit under the weather and would prefer to lie in that's different than if you're running a fever/migraine/vomiting sick.