Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend seems annoyed at me for this, feel bad

152 replies

Thebreeders · 24/05/2022 16:29

A friend works in the same industry as me. I was thinking of applying for a job where she works, apparently they needed somebody fairly quickly.
She said she'd put in a good word for me which I appreciated.
I managed to get an interview there which was supposed to be later this week.
My friend announced she'd written a reference for me which was incredibly nice of her, she was under no obligation to do so and I didn't expect her to at all.
In the end I decided not to go for the job. I felt I would be out of my depth, I haven't yet got the confidence to go for this role just yet.
I cancelled the interview with 72 hours notice.
I messaged my friend to say so, I felt nervous but assumed she'd understand I wasn't ready as it was a big step up and again I just didn't feel confident enough after consideration.
I'm hoping to reapply in a few months.
Anyway she read it and just sent a 'thumbs up' emoji, which is very much not like her, she normally writes very positive and sweet messages with smilies (i know that sounds a bit juvenile)
Haven't heard from her since.
I feel bad. I really appreciate that she wrote the reference, she must be annoyed but I don't really think I've done anything that wrong. I guess I didn't expect that reaction.

OP posts:
BadWolf2022 · 24/05/2022 16:30

She's probably annoyed she's gone through all that effort for nothing. Besides a few months doesn't make much of a difference.

Original poster
Thebreeders · 24/05/2022 16:31

Just want to say she wasn't asked by my job to be a referee, she did it out of kindness

OP posts:
Original poster
Thebreeders · 24/05/2022 16:31

I don't know what all that effort entails though. She wrote a reference, that's it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thebreeders · 24/05/2022 16:33

She also didn't get me the job, my agency got me an interview.

OP posts:
MRex · 24/05/2022 16:33

It's up to the interviewer to decide if you are out of your depth or can be supported, so that's a bit silly if you. I wouldn't knowingly interview someone who cancelled just a few months before, way too flakey.

She's reasonable to be mildly irritated because she was kind to you. She'll get past that I'm sure, but hopefully you don't need other favours because those might be in short supply.

Hellocatshome · 24/05/2022 16:34

She is probably annoyed because she has probably put in a good word for you with the interview panel and now she looks a bit silly by recommending someone who turns out to be a bit flakey. Presumably the job won't be there in a few months so I'm not sure what you mean by applying in a few months.

Original poster
Thebreeders · 24/05/2022 16:35

She really didn't have to do anything at all. I didn't ask her a single favour. It's lovely she did, but I never asked anything of her. I meant to reapply in that area, nor necessarily her place. Should have said that

OP posts:
Original poster
Thebreeders · 24/05/2022 16:36

I applied through an agency, not through the place directly. I think not speaking to me is over the top really

OP posts:
MangoM · 24/05/2022 16:36

What difference is a few months going to make?

Windbeneathmybingowings · 24/05/2022 16:38

I hate to say this, I’m so sorry. But if you reapply, the interviewer will now be wondering what happened to make you cancel, you may well not be considered for that reason next time and your friend has shown her cards by going out of her way for you. So the cancellation reflects on her. She’s probably thinking why on Earth didn’t you just say you weren’t really interested…

Natty13 · 24/05/2022 16:39

Thebreeders · 24/05/2022 16:35

She really didn't have to do anything at all. I didn't ask her a single favour. It's lovely she did, but I never asked anything of her. I meant to reapply in that area, nor necessarily her place. Should have said that

Why did you post then if you are just going to repeat your excuses to everyone who replies?

Original poster
Thebreeders · 24/05/2022 16:40

The cancellation has absolutely zero impact on her..
It's through an agency, she has zero to do with anything.
I am not going to reapply to her exact place. Just in the industry.
I hesitated and lacked confidence, shouldn't have initially applied but people can change their minds..

OP posts:
Original poster
Thebreeders · 24/05/2022 16:41

I guess you've never changed your mind about a job, ever.

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 24/05/2022 16:42

I don’t see what there is for her to be annoyed about. Nobody asked her to write a reference, she volunteered. Seems a bit silly for her to stop talking to you. Would she have preferred it if you’d gone ahead even though you’d changed your mind?

ReadyToMoveIt · 24/05/2022 16:43

Thebreeders · 24/05/2022 16:36

I applied through an agency, not through the place directly. I think not speaking to me is over the top really

You don’t know that she’s not speaking to you though? It was one reply to one message Confused. Think you’re jumping the gun a bit.

Original poster
Thebreeders · 24/05/2022 16:43

Finally. Thank you

OP posts:
KylieCharlene · 24/05/2022 16:43

Your friend probably feels really silly that she's written a reference (likely including how reliable you are) only for you to turn out to be a bit flakey.
At best it makes her look like a bad judge of character.
At worst she looks like a liar.
Maybe you should have given the job more thought before wading in and then back peddling.

Original poster
Thebreeders · 24/05/2022 16:43

I meant I've heard nothing since whereas i usually would. But yeah maybe I'm overthinking it

OP posts:
Original poster
Thebreeders · 24/05/2022 16:44

I hardly think it makes her look like a liar. People do this all the time, they'll just interview the other candidates! I doubt they give a toss about me really.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thebreeders · 24/05/2022 16:45

Maybe i should but guess what, people can and do change their mind about jobs! Even After interviewing, even after accepting, and starting. Not ideal to do it all the time, but that's life!

OP posts:
FAQs · 24/05/2022 16:46

It does have some reflection back on her, she provided a reference and put a good word in for you, whether you asked her to or not, you must have realised it was likely she would have done this once you mentioned it.

I send a little something to say thank you for the support she showed even though you pulled out.

Magenta82 · 24/05/2022 16:48

I think you are unreasonable for not going to the interview.

You could have discussed your experience and skills with them without burning a bridge.

FictionalCharacter · 24/05/2022 16:49

@KylieCharlene Withdrawing a job application doesn’t mean someone is flaky or unreliable as an employee! Of course this doesn’t make the friend look like a liar.

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 24/05/2022 16:49

This reminds me of an episode of Peep Show where David Mitchell's character got Robert Webb's character an interview where he worked.

Your friend could be embarrassed about putting a good word in for you then you cancelled last minute. Or maybe she was just over excited about you working with her and is managing her disappointment without dumping it on you when you've told her you've got problems.

She sounds like she's a really good friend if she was trying so hard to get you a new job so I'd cut her some slack, especially if you're in the same industry.

Windbeneathmybingowings · 24/05/2022 16:50

I doubt they give a toss about me really.

No but they do about her. And her judgement. As she already works there. And has vouched for a person who turned out not to even want the job or care that much. If you’d not mentioned it she probably wouldn’t have done the reference. Maybe you shouldn’t have told her, or should have told her you’d applied but weren’t interested, so she hadn’t bothered doing the kind thing for you.