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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friend seems annoyed at me for this, feel bad

152 replies

Thebreeders · 24/05/2022 16:29

A friend works in the same industry as me. I was thinking of applying for a job where she works, apparently they needed somebody fairly quickly.
She said she'd put in a good word for me which I appreciated.
I managed to get an interview there which was supposed to be later this week.
My friend announced she'd written a reference for me which was incredibly nice of her, she was under no obligation to do so and I didn't expect her to at all.
In the end I decided not to go for the job. I felt I would be out of my depth, I haven't yet got the confidence to go for this role just yet.
I cancelled the interview with 72 hours notice.
I messaged my friend to say so, I felt nervous but assumed she'd understand I wasn't ready as it was a big step up and again I just didn't feel confident enough after consideration.
I'm hoping to reapply in a few months.
Anyway she read it and just sent a 'thumbs up' emoji, which is very much not like her, she normally writes very positive and sweet messages with smilies (i know that sounds a bit juvenile)
Haven't heard from her since.
I feel bad. I really appreciate that she wrote the reference, she must be annoyed but I don't really think I've done anything that wrong. I guess I didn't expect that reaction.

OP posts:
Viostep · 24/05/2022 16:50

She probably put in a good word for you with the panel, combined with the effort of writing a reference. It's quite likely you would have got the job if she is trusted and respected there. You've made her look a bit silly that she recommended someone who didn't even turn up for the interview.

If I were her I'd be annoyed but I'd get over it and the friendship would continue normally. I wouldn't put myself out for you anymore though, no more favours in future

Idbemonica1 · 24/05/2022 16:51

I imagine putting in a good word for you has caused her some embarrasment.

PlatinumJubileeBubilee · 24/05/2022 16:53

Hellocatshome · 24/05/2022 16:34

She is probably annoyed because she has probably put in a good word for you with the interview panel and now she looks a bit silly by recommending someone who turns out to be a bit flakey. Presumably the job won't be there in a few months so I'm not sure what you mean by applying in a few months.

This

Thebreeders · 24/05/2022 16:53

I didn't not turn up. I told them several days before it that i was withdrawing.
I really hope she doesn't feel embarrassed in any way or anything like that, it's not her fault at all.
Anyway lesson learned

OP posts:
Knittingchamp · 24/05/2022 16:54

Thebreeders · 24/05/2022 16:40

The cancellation has absolutely zero impact on her..
It's through an agency, she has zero to do with anything.
I am not going to reapply to her exact place. Just in the industry.
I hesitated and lacked confidence, shouldn't have initially applied but people can change their minds..

OP it clearly did have an impact on her. That's why she reacted as she did! I guess you need to ask her.

Maybe she made quite an effort to get you the interview, and it made her look or feel a bit foolish in front of the panel.

Thebreeders · 24/05/2022 16:54

But i think the whole 'no favours ever again' is a bit ott. Not really a friendship then. I never asked her for any help whatsoever, simply mentioned that i was thinking of applying at her place and that's it

OP posts:
Thebreeders · 24/05/2022 16:55

Maybe she will tell me in time.

OP posts:
Holly60 · 24/05/2022 16:58

You've posted asking why your friend is acting in a particular way. Lots of posters have written to explain and you seem determined to excuse your behaviour.

She is irritated because she did you a favour - put in a good word and wrote a reference, and you flaked out.

Neither of you is necessarily unreasonable, but this would explain her reaction.

She just needs some space to process her irritation privately.

Aquamarine1029 · 24/05/2022 17:00

I really hope she doesn't feel embarrassed in any way or anything like that, it's not her fault at all.

Of course she does. She put her neck out for you and you flaked. I would be very annoyed if I were her.

MichelleScarn · 24/05/2022 17:01

It's all a bit dramatical. So because she's only put a thumbs up, rather than the usual "very positive and sweet messages with smilies" you're posting here about how awful she is and how you never asked her for anything so it's all her fault!!

Thebreeders · 24/05/2022 17:01

I am not excusing it, i see where people are coming from but I think some of the statements on here are a bit OTT, "you've made her look like a liar."
I also think people are allowed to change their mind about a job, doesn't make you some terrible person. Not ideal to keep doing it for sure but I'm sure a lot of people have done it at least once.
Anyway won't do it again so I'll forget about this

OP posts:
butimjayigetaway · 24/05/2022 17:02

Well it sounds like she really wanted you to work there! Which is nice. And she's disappointed that you may not be.

You did nothing wrong of course. Maybe after a day or so she will calm down.

You could send her a gift in the post to thank her for the effort though?

Thebreeders · 24/05/2022 17:03

"put her neck out for you". She really didn't.
Not insinuated that she's awful in any way, she's very good.

OP posts:
butimjayigetaway · 24/05/2022 17:03

Thebreeders · 24/05/2022 17:01

I am not excusing it, i see where people are coming from but I think some of the statements on here are a bit OTT, "you've made her look like a liar."
I also think people are allowed to change their mind about a job, doesn't make you some terrible person. Not ideal to keep doing it for sure but I'm sure a lot of people have done it at least once.
Anyway won't do it again so I'll forget about this

Even if you just changed your mind it's still okay.

People on here can be very black and white.

ReadyToMoveIt · 24/05/2022 17:03

Thebreeders · 24/05/2022 16:54

But i think the whole 'no favours ever again' is a bit ott. Not really a friendship then. I never asked her for any help whatsoever, simply mentioned that i was thinking of applying at her place and that's it

She hasn’t said she wont do you any favours ever again! She’s sent one message that deviated from her ‘norm’. Maybe she was busy? You’ve built it up into something huge in your head.
She sounds like a great, supportive friend anyway so I’d try and keep hold of her if I were you!

Thebreeders · 24/05/2022 17:03

I am sorry if she's disappointed and I am too. It was nice of her. I still don't believe I've done something terribly wrong but that's me. I hope she'll come round.

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 24/05/2022 17:04

You are getting all worked up and indignant about nothing. She tried to do something for you, you decided not to go ahead, you told her and she said 👍. She didn't say "WTF? You wasted my time! Why did you do that!" She didn't say "Oh I'm pissed off, don't talk to me for a while." It seems you wanted her to say "It's fine! You did the right thing!" But she doesn't think that, so she didn't say that.

And now you're ruminating and huffing and thinking "Maybe she will tell me in time." But she has nothing to tell you! You changed your mind and she says "eh, okay."

Thebreeders · 24/05/2022 17:05

Sorry i meant it was a poster on here who said "I would never do you a favour ever again" very ott.

I also dislike this black and white holier than thou approach on here, as if they've never done anything wrong ever. Very grating.

OP posts:
FAQs · 24/05/2022 17:05

It doesn’t matter that you didn’t ask her, in fact because she did it without you asking shows how much she cares about you, and you message her without even calling her to explain after her efforts, stop flouncing and accept you have dismissed a kind act and then put her response back on her. Jesus Christ how do you treat people you don’t like.

theemmadilemma · 24/05/2022 17:05

If I've put in a professional recommendation for someone and then they pull out of the interview, to me that reflects on me professionally badly for recommending you, and yes, I'd be pissed off.

ReadyToMoveIt · 24/05/2022 17:05

Thebreeders · 24/05/2022 17:03

I am sorry if she's disappointed and I am too. It was nice of her. I still don't believe I've done something terribly wrong but that's me. I hope she'll come round.

You don’t even know she’s annoyed!

Thebreeders · 24/05/2022 17:06

Yes i may be overthinking, but i am not worked up. She does seem quieter and she didn't really have a reaction that sounded like she usually does. But i will try to just forget it now

OP posts:
ZeroFuchsGiven · 24/05/2022 17:06

I can't understand how You can't see why she's a bit pissed off with You Confused

HundredMilesAnHour · 24/05/2022 17:07

Thebreeders · 24/05/2022 17:03

"put her neck out for you". She really didn't.
Not insinuated that she's awful in any way, she's very good.

Yes she did. She risked her reputation for you but you don't seem to get that at all.

Thebreeders · 24/05/2022 17:07

"how do you treat people you don't like" jeez, calm down seriously. Just getting a bit out of hand now. No point repeating the same points over and over anyway. I've got the message

OP posts:
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