To be freaked out in the changing room

[Magenta82]

I take DD to a baby swim class at the local franchised out council gym, she enjoys it, the teacher is lovely and it is much cheaper than the waterbabies class we used to do.

The only snag is that the pool changing rooms are unisex, there are cubicals but there are massive gaps at the bottom. If I wanted a single sex space I would have to use the gym changing rooms then walk to and from the pool through public areas, not ideal in swimwear with a wiggly wet baby.

Today we were getting changed after the lesson when a man went into the cubical next to us, it was pretty empty so there were loads of free cubicles. I continued getting dressed but after a while I started hearing really loud grunts, groans and heavy breathing.

It freaked me out, I had a really strong, panicky, fearful visceral reaction. I finished as quickly as I could and rushed out of there shaking. I asked at reception if there were any single sex spaces and was told no, but the lady asked if I was ok and got the manager. I explained what had happened and said of course he could have just been out of breath but that it really scared me.

Some staff went to check it out and it turns out it was a really unfit older man who was struggling to get his clothes and shoes on. They saw him and didn't speak with him as it was obvious he was struggling.

I feel really stupid for overreacting, the gym staff were really kind and understanding but I still feel stupid. The worst part is it has taken hours for me to calm down and for the adrenaline to recede.

I ache all over because of the way I panicked and tensed because some poor man couldn't get dressed easily!

I don’t know if this was hyperbole for effect or if you’re genuinely this ignorant, but you’re way, way off here.

Yes, it’s a minority of men who do these things, but it’s a significant minority, not this almost imperceptible number you’re suggesting.

There was a recent survey, for example, of young men, and, because it was anonymous so they knew there would be no consequences for them, they were more honest than is usual: 11.4% of them said they had committed, or would commit sexual offences of some kind or another if they had the opportunity.

Multiple posters on this thread alone have said they, or friends, have experienced being spied on in changing villages. Everyone must know what a big thing upskirting is. There are whole websites entirely dedicated to footage that predatory men have uploaded, footage taken using their phones and hidden cameras of women using the toilet and getting changed etc.

There was even that case recently of a male masseur who offered pregnancy massage and was covertly filming his clients (and the bastard has just had his sentence reduced). And I personally know of a man who worked at a local school who set up a camera in the adults’ toilet to secretly film his female colleagues, and was ultimately caught and convicted.

All you cool girls saying there’s no big deal here are just living in cloud cuckoo land. Try reading the news once in a while, and see what kind of shit is happening in the world outside your safe little bubble. To real women who understandably may have real trauma responses to subsequent triggers.

And OP, I’m sorry this happened and was so distressing for you, and I can understand how him choosing the cubicle next to yours when there were so many others free heightened your suspicions and anxiety. Some of the responses on this thread show why it’s so hard to get anywhere with fighting misogyny and male VAWG. .

Or Op could use the single sex changing rooms, wearing a robe or whatever, but that's no ideal.

So she runs the risk of further panic attacks at perfectly innocent men changing. This man had probably never masturbated in a changing room, nor considered it, so therefore didn't see the issue as his grunting was perfectly innocent!

Men who aren't perverts, wouldn't think that way.

Of course it's still the perfectly innocent man's fault, he should think that way!

This is true.

Yes. I'm also cynical that this was as 'innocent' as he's cracked on. When you think about it, those two 'sets of noises' are pretty easily distinguishable.

I can't believe the victim shaming and patronising that is going on in this thread. Especially by people who recognise that OP likely had a post traumatic stress reaction.

I do wonder if these posters realise that you can't traumatise yourself and there is no wrong way to respond to traumatic experiences, or be triggered.

FFS.

OP you handled it well and so did the staff. Be kinder to yourself about it than many of the posts on here. And enjoy the baby swimming!

I'd have to walk through the unisex changing rooms, past the cafe and badminton courts to the gym changing room while wearinga swimming costume. It is an option but not one I've seen anyone do.

Anyone got any evidence for this claim? I’ve never seen a single news story about a woman being arrested for masturbating in public (except recently, and they always turn out to be the kind of “woman” with a penis).

I’ve just never heard of it happening. Women having sex in public places, sure, but never heard of actual adult human females masturbating on their own in a changing village type place.

But if you can back up the claim, I will stand corrected.

I’m sorry you felt this way but this is your issue and I’m future the only thing you can do is not go anywhere that has mixed changing rooms.

Fortunately no harm was done. But you could have easily ruined someone’s life today.

I'm not in London, but nearby. The cubicles with changing tables are spread out and the one I was in was the only vacant one. I might go for a normal one next time and change DD on the bench or a towel on the floor.

Interesting - it’s split -so 50% think you c were reasonable!!

Oh, give over.

Come on Daily Mail….Why not pick up THIS thread?!!!

I hate, hate, hate mixed sex changing rooms.

While it’s good to have a mixed area for families, etc we also need single sex changing rooms. I also have no prob with mums bringing in their sons, I don’t want to be changing anywhere near grown men.

If men felt uncomfortable with them, I doubt they’d ever have been a thing. But then men don’t have to put up with men exposing themselves, touching themselves, inappropriate staring, groping, being sexually assaulted and raped by the opposite sex etc etc.

Sometimes I think there needs to be a backlash, women need to start doing this stuff to men. We need a female on male communal changing room sexual assaulter and serial killer. Maybe then they’ll wake up to what we go through.

Sorry, can you tell I’ve had enough of this shit.

And also been watching too much Killing Eve 😆

Don't be ridiculous even the men who I've known who are actual convicted sex offenders haven't had their lives ruined in fact the local one was still welcomed by the pub regulars even though he'd been touching up their daughter's...men and women are often brilliant at compartmentalizing this kind of thing or whatever personally I couldn't but many do.

@Magenta82 well wear track pants abs a t shirt over your costume? Or pay more for water babies? You said in your post it wasn't "ideal", not that it was ridiculous?

It's a situation that could happen again? So you either take that risk (whilst campaigning for single sex rooms) or put yourself through another panic attack whilst in charge of a young baby, which also isn't ideal.

You've agreed the man did nothing wrong, so it could happen again?

Men also wank in shop changing rooms. There was a thread over on FWR where a former retail worker related how common it was for men to wank in the men’s changing rooms when female staff members were on duty there. Because the female members of staff were there.

They wanted the women to hear them, that was the point, the thrill for them. And of course they wanted the women to find the mess and have to clear it up afterwards. And this was a regular thing.

It is not a tiny, tiny minority of men. Of course it’s not the majority, but there are still way, way too many of these disgusting fuckers, and pretending it never happens just makes it easier for them.

Don't be ridiculous even the men who I've known who are actual convicted sex offenders haven't had their lives ruined

I hope no one ever accuses you or any of your family of being a sex offender because then you’ll realise how false accusations can ruin someone’s life.

I am amazed at how many woman don’t seem to grasp the risk men pose to woman or how often these situations actually happen.
If you are a woman who has never, ever had a traumatic or negative experience with a man then you are incredibly lucky.
It may not be that the majority of men behave this way but a large minority of them do, large enough that this is a real problem all over the world.

And you obviously tell which is which by just looking. That's why no woman is ever put in avulnerable situation because they can tell straight away if a man is one of the good guys or not. I mean policeman are the best, so you would be 100% safe with them, wouldn't you?

Op was in a locked cubicle. My experience is they are much better than single sex where mums are expected to send 8yo boys into a changing room alone or dads have to take 4 yo girls into the men’s where they’re doing naked push-ups in front of the dds (actual thing that happened when dh took dtds to their lesson).

He is a man, so will always be guilty no matter what, in some people's eyes.

I hope no one ever accuses you or any of your family of being a sex offender because then you’ll realise how false accusations can ruin someone’s life.

I do believe false accusations can ruin a person's life and it does happen but in recent times it seems to have become an excuse to doubt any woman who reports rape or sexual assault.

We see posters on this thread claiming sexual offences against women are committed by such a small number of men that being fearful in situations where women feel vulnerable is a disproportionate response and the OP should probably be treated for her anxiety.

The truth is a man is more likely to be a victim of a sexual crime committed by another man than he is to be falsely accused of a sexual offence and yet no one is telling men to stop over reacting about these fears. People seem more concerned about the injustice of a man falsely accused than the male or female victims of sexual crimes. Why is that?

I prefer the unisex changing, it's so much easier when you go as a family. You can all help get everyone sorted, someone can hold the baby whilst the other one gets dressed etc. My husband also takes our daughter to her swimming lesson by himself, if it was how it used to be when I was younger (separate changing rooms) she'd have to go into the men's (she's only 6) as my husband couldnt take her in the womens, when my dad used to take us swimming men just got naked in the open showers. Much easier and far more decent to just have mixed cubicals and not have naked people everywhere.

I can't believe the victim shaming and patronising that is going on in this thread.

What exactly was the OP a victim of?

I voted YANBU. Not because I don’t think the OP overreacted in this instance, as on the face of it that appears to be the case, but because I can understand why she did. I have PTSD as a result of childhood CSA and I can well imagine being triggered in the scenario she describes. It’s an instinctive reaction and one I have no control over.