To be freaked out in the changing room

[Magenta82]

I take DD to a baby swim class at the local franchised out council gym, she enjoys it, the teacher is lovely and it is much cheaper than the waterbabies class we used to do.

The only snag is that the pool changing rooms are unisex, there are cubicals but there are massive gaps at the bottom. If I wanted a single sex space I would have to use the gym changing rooms then walk to and from the pool through public areas, not ideal in swimwear with a wiggly wet baby.

Today we were getting changed after the lesson when a man went into the cubical next to us, it was pretty empty so there were loads of free cubicles. I continued getting dressed but after a while I started hearing really loud grunts, groans and heavy breathing.

It freaked me out, I had a really strong, panicky, fearful visceral reaction. I finished as quickly as I could and rushed out of there shaking. I asked at reception if there were any single sex spaces and was told no, but the lady asked if I was ok and got the manager. I explained what had happened and said of course he could have just been out of breath but that it really scared me.

Some staff went to check it out and it turns out it was a really unfit older man who was struggling to get his clothes and shoes on. They saw him and didn't speak with him as it was obvious he was struggling.

I feel really stupid for overreacting, the gym staff were really kind and understanding but I still feel stupid. The worst part is it has taken hours for me to calm down and for the adrenaline to recede.

I ache all over because of the way I panicked and tensed because some poor man couldn't get dressed easily!

Its a shame that young boys who are accompanied by single mums do not get the same amount of empathy, they are expected to shower and change alone , alongside almost naked men, but according to some on here thats absolutely fine, their safety doesn't matter.

You may be lucky enough not to be the victim of rape, assault or a past trauma which has left you afraid and panicky in the presence of a strange man, alone.

Women have no idea on meeting a man if he is safe to be around and our very basic survival instincts kick in as we make conscious and sub conscious decisions based around threat. This is why I wouldn't go for a run alone in certain places, much though I'd love to, or i park my car at night in a well lit area, i hold my car keys for defence, and I that's not over reacting either.

OP you are not being unreasonable. Mixed sex changing rooms are an un comfortable experience and completely un-necessary. Of course not all men are a danger, townsmen and children, but for the ones that are, mixed sex changing rooms are a gift.

How is this about "trans"? It's about being uncomfortable in mixed sex provision when you're naked, in cubicles which allow voyeurism, and the knowledge that there is widespread voyeurism , pretty much exclusively perpetrated by men on women.

If only men came with big signs saying
"Sexual criminal"

But they don't ...

Well 2 separate men, on two separate occasions, in very public places exposed them selves to me, so I probably would of had the same reaction OP.

It happens scarily frequently, the only one of the two incidents that was even remotely investigated was the first time, because I was a child in school uniform, and two young women had been raped nearby. The second it was just logged and shrugged off.

So until some men stop being creepy perverts, women are very entitled to think the worst about most men.

Poor man. I hope he wasn't embarrassed by your panic.

True. But op is given sympathy when she basically implied this poor man was a pervert. She should be ashamed that she could have made a big scene out of this.

The sound of someone wanking vs struggling to get dressed are quite different. And to be crying and shaking for hours is a massive overreaction. Do people really act like this irl? It's so common on mn but I've never met anyone who cried, screams and shakes over any thing.

For everyone dead against single sex changing there's someone else who needs it. Space and funds aren't endless and not everyone can be catered for.

I think you need therepy... this is not a normal reaction at all and would indicate you have a very high and uncontrolled anxiety issue.

butimjayigetaway · Today 17:10

In my 40-odd years I've always known swimming pools to have big open changing rooms for anyone, with closing lockable doors with big gaps at the bottom. People calling out children, friends, parents and the children looking under the doors to see if that's where the rest of their family was.

In my forty odd years I have known swimming pools to have single sex changing rooms, though the pool I go to now does have a mixed sex changing area which doubles up as the circulation area between entrance, single sex changing rooms and the pools.

In my opinion there are plenty of people who would be put off going swimming or deeply upset if they saw some random face peering under their unnecessarily short doors that fail to reach the floor.

This is bullshit.

Anyone whose job has anything to do with safeguarding would react with understanding to this scenario.

Voyeurism and other sex crimes in mixed changing and loos is not uncommon. It's simply unfashionable to be concerned about it.

Nobody is above suspicion. But statistically over 90% of all sexual and violent crimes are committed by males.

This panic /confusion wouldn't have happened in a single sex changing room. It is not OP's fault so many councils have ditched them.

I have sympathy with an unfit older male. Any other male should have chosen a different cubicle. Males who aren't aware of or don't care about the impact of their presence in certain places are already showing you they could be a threat.

He wasn't he didn't even know, the manager reassured me that she and the other staff member walked to that area, saw he had opened the door to the cubicle (possibly for a bit more room) saw he was out of breath and walked away.

‘So are you not aware that men assault, rape, beat, and kill women?’. Do not be patronising. And it doesn’t stop most of us spending quite a lot of our lives in their vicinity. This, the strength and duration of the reaction, does seem unusual and points to underlying issues around anxiety.

This, and I think we all know the answer.

Reading these replies I cannot understand why any women are in favour of mixed sex changing rooms? Even if it doesn't bother you personally (yet), don't you care about the women who do suffer trauma and are excluded from these spaces altogether?

Think about the scariest creepiest man you have ever encountered and realise you're saying "yes please, let him into Womens spaces". I assume you all wander about at night in remote places because what's the problem?

I realise not all men are a threat, but some very much are and don't come with a sign round their neck.

And to be crying and shaking for hours is a massive overreaction. Do people really act like this irl? It's so common on mn but I've never met anyone who cried, screams and shakes over any thing.

I have been known to shake and scream and cry. I have complex post traumatic stress. I got it from the things men have done to me. Many other women also have it for the same reasons. Dont be so bloody dismissive.

Moonface123 · Today 17:10

Its a shame that young boys who are accompanied by single mums do not get the same amount of empathy, they are expected to shower and change alone , alongside almost naked men, but according to some on here thats absolutely fine, their safety doesn't matter.

Which posters have said that they oppose the provision of mixed sex changing spaces to compliment the single sex ones?

I'm 40, I've always been a swimmer, I've swam at a mix of private and council pools and gyms over the last 35 years. This is the first I have come across with only mixed changing, I have been to pools that had mostly mixed changing but they had smaller single sex areas. I have mostly been used to single sex changing areas that are open or only have a few cubicles. The open ones feel safer because you know who is in there (and they are women) and there are not banks of dim cubicles with lots of corners.

Curious how you'd feel hearing the same noises in a single sex environment. Assume a woman changing? A woman wanking? A man who'd snuck in to wank?
Would it really be any better?

I don’t see why they can’t accommodate single sex changing rooms. Surely all they need to do is to designate a bank of them and put a full length barrier between. If this place is cheaper and you want to continue going I’d probably get one of those full length changing robes so you don’t feel so exposed

Of course knowing it was definitely a woman would be totally different, how could it not?
Women don't feel at risk of sexual assault from other women.

Swimming?! My local pool has a small pool for kids and the standard larger. Others I've been to rope off the shallow end for kids classes and allow swimming in the other end for the general public.

It's not far fetched.When I was at school a man had a small mirror angled under the cubicle to look at one of my friends getting changed.

Just wondering who's going to provide this huge raft of affordable therapy for the thousands and thousands of women who are going to be on edge and alert in mixed sex spaces and react badly to any possible cues that they're in danger due to past experience? And what do we do with the ones who just don't pass their therapy and still panic when those cues happen? Not mentioning that unfortunately some of those cues will not turn out to be false alarms.

Be simpler really to provide mixed sex and single sex spaces and meet all needs. Just not a solution that suits a currently fashionable political agenda that's incidentally really quite staggeringly misogynist.

But wouldn't you see someone using the phone? And wouldn't you then use your phone to call the police? Genuinely asking as I have never really considered this possibility.