To be freaked out in the changing room

[Magenta82]

I take DD to a baby swim class at the local franchised out council gym, she enjoys it, the teacher is lovely and it is much cheaper than the waterbabies class we used to do.

The only snag is that the pool changing rooms are unisex, there are cubicals but there are massive gaps at the bottom. If I wanted a single sex space I would have to use the gym changing rooms then walk to and from the pool through public areas, not ideal in swimwear with a wiggly wet baby.

Today we were getting changed after the lesson when a man went into the cubical next to us, it was pretty empty so there were loads of free cubicles. I continued getting dressed but after a while I started hearing really loud grunts, groans and heavy breathing.

It freaked me out, I had a really strong, panicky, fearful visceral reaction. I finished as quickly as I could and rushed out of there shaking. I asked at reception if there were any single sex spaces and was told no, but the lady asked if I was ok and got the manager. I explained what had happened and said of course he could have just been out of breath but that it really scared me.

Some staff went to check it out and it turns out it was a really unfit older man who was struggling to get his clothes and shoes on. They saw him and didn't speak with him as it was obvious he was struggling.

I feel really stupid for overreacting, the gym staff were really kind and understanding but I still feel stupid. The worst part is it has taken hours for me to calm down and for the adrenaline to recede.

I ache all over because of the way I panicked and tensed because some poor man couldn't get dressed easily!

I understand why you felt scared at the time. Anyone who thinks men don't wank in public places and don't get a thrill out of knowing they're scaring women is an idiot.

THis!

Girls & women are trained from a very early age to be super-alert in these sorts of situations. The OP was just responding to 20-30 of conditioning she's had in this society where 99% of sexual violence is perpetrated by men, and women/girls are taught to fear the stranger etc etc etc.

As much as we know that as adults, our chances of being assaulted are statistically low, that rational knowledge is often outweighed b decades of social conditioning - called "being raised as a girl."

I hope you're OK @Magenta82 And please ignore the scolding & mocking posters

I think the fact that he picked the cubical next to the occupied baby change one when there were rows of empty cubicles put me on edge o start with.

To those saying that the OP overreacted, I have been in a situation where a man was wanking in the next cubicle. It’s not an unfounded fear.
p.s. I was 12. This is why we need single sex spaces.

Jesus Christ

You seem unaware that accusing an elderly man of commuting sexual acts in public could be extremely upsetting for him. It’s lucky that the staff saw you were panicking and didn’t confound him. I hope you have someone irl you can talk this through with.

Yep, I would have thought the same and reacted similarly. You poor thing. I've found that doing long, deep breaths for quite a while really helps to calm all of the adrenaline.

So annoying to have everybody pointing out that not all men do that. We know that. All women know that. But a significant number of women have experienced all sorts of harassment and abuse at the hands of men because sadly, it's not actually very rare. This is why women have and continue to need single sex spaces. I've experienced many assaults/general harrassment and a couple of attempted rapes throughout my life. I think I'm quite lucky because none were successful. I felt like prey as a teenager who used public transport on a regular basis. It's fucking awful and anybody on this thread who can't understand the instinct to protect yourself when you experience another perceived threat must be intentionally playing dumb for some reason... Don't blame the women who understandably don't want to risk their personal safety on the idea of NAMALT, blame all of the shit, abusive, creepy, leering, rapey men who've caused it.

And to the posters who are so unimaginative that they think there's no way a man would go to all the effort of, what, stooping down so they can watch naked women? Yeah, they do. That requires almost no effort. Perverts will do things that normal people wouldn't consider doing and not be put off by the risk of getting caught, so don't think that is some kind of guaranteed protection. I had a friend who worked as a personal trainer and lifeguard in a council run leisure centre. One of his colleagues came across a paedophile sexually assaulting a child in the shower. This was back when showers were single sex, too. All it took was for him to walk into the wrong area and take the chance.

You did the right thing. If there had been an issue then the manager was aware. If the person was struggling for health reasons then equally they would have been able to help.

Ignore the faux disingenuousness of posters who don't seem to know male offending rates or that the risk of assault is greater in mixed sex changing rooms or that countless men have been charged with putting cameras into changing rooms. Honestly, I'm surprised they can manage to type on MN. They must walk round with their eyes and ears closed to have missed all this information.

This is a horribly patronising comment, and bullshit to boot. There are loads of peeping tom offences in mixed sex changing rooms, men have, do and will continue to do this sort of thing on a regular basis. It's shit, and denying it happens isn't helping anyone.

If it was fake why would I not have had the man actually wanking instead of struggling to get dressed?

Exactly @DaisyQuakeJohnson
Don't think it's fake disingenuous either; some people just don't get it.
Or won't
It's always namalt or women offend too
Boring

I used to like changing villages - they were easier with mixed sex children however I didn't realise I'd only encountered decent well designed ones visible to staff.

When we went to a further away children swim session in this city - we found an awful one my kids were very unhappy to use even with me there door watching - huge gaps above/below door and huge gaps in the sides so could see people in next cubicle - staff nowhere nearby of in viewing distance.

I later noticed adult’s older men and women for next session using the toilets to get change. Then read they'd had several phone incidents that went to court.
I can see why you were on edge going to cubicle next to you - though there may have been reason like more space or familiarity - it's similar to having an entire empty carriage and someone sitting right next to you.

At least you know the staff were sensible people who listened to your fears and investigated - so try an put it behind you.

But we don’t know which ones do.

As long as there are cubicles I really can't see an issue? My local pool has unisex changing rooms. It doesn't appear to be a problem.

You've never heard of mobile phones? Or seen the news stories about them being used to get film of women & girls undressed?

Exactly. I’m sure a massive majority of people wouldn’t burgle another persons house, but we still lock our doors just in case. ‘Baddies’ don’t wear eye masks and stripy jumpers while holding a bag marked SWAG, we safeguard ourselves for a reason.

Rubbish

This was at a council gym. He’d probably been at another class taking place at the same time. Or just working out.

I really find it unlikely that a man would lie/crouch on the floor, in a public space to catch a glimpse of a woman getting changed

the pp said she finds it unlikely, not impossible. I agree and I also agree with the pp that having mixed family areas outweighs the issues relating to women wanting single sex spaces (and indeed the trans issue, as everyone is in together anyway).

OP, I understand how you reacted how you did at the time. But to still be panicking a few hours later once you were told there was nothing to worry about - I do think you need some help. I hate it when MNers say "have you seen the GP about your anxiety" not least because seeing a GP isn't exactly easy anymore, but I don't think a long-lasting reaction is something you should be experiencing.

I agree, generally. Although ours have a dead end and I am not sure I'd necessarily want to get cornered in that area with a bloke intent on causing trouble. Not very well designed. However, I stay in an open area with open showers when at my local pool.

@queenMab99

Me too! I grunt and mutter for England due to rheumatism. Loads of "C'mon for fuck's sake, mutter mutter mutter!" God knows what my flat mate thinks when I am on an early shift and trying to get dressed!

I don't swim and certainly don't use mixed cubicles or whatever they are now, but if I did it would not be the sounds of 'pleasuring' myself that you would hear.

You should hear me on the bus too. "Oof" as I get on, "Phwoar!" as I sit down, "Urgh" as I get up and "Oof" again as I get out!

OP - I completely understand why you felt that way. It must have been even harder with a child in tow. I am going to go against the grain, and say that like a lot of women of my generation, both at home and abroad I have been flashed many times, groped on trains including one attempted rape, backed into corners by work bosses with their hands everywhere, etc etc. Now in late middle age, I don't want to take my clothes off of go to the lavatory or fix my makeup in any room that allows someone with a cock to be in the same room.
I feel sorry for the old man, but there should be separate facilities.

Merryclaire · Today 15:56

Obviously a fake post and will no doubt provoke a trans debate in a few minutes - ‘because they’re making us have unisex changing rooms’.

Why is it obviously fake? Because men never wank in public places or because women never feel uncomfortable in mixed sex changing rooms and don't mind hearing strangers having a wank?

It seems entirely believable to me that OP did not want to be in a mixed sex space, was on edge somewhat as a result, and (mistakenly) assumed that the wanking sounds were someone wanking.

In my 40-odd years I've always known swimming pools to have big open changing rooms for anyone, with closing lockable doors with big gaps at the bottom. People calling out children, friends, parents and the children looking under the doors to see if that's where the rest of their family was.

Doesn't bother me. But if I heard what I assumed to be a person pleasuring themselves I would leave and report.

Having said that I am also aware of what an out of breath man trying to get his shoes on sounds like, sounds a bit like myself of a morning before coffee.

I don't think I would confuse the two.