Daughter accused of bullying

[Pennyhill22]

My dd has been accused of bullying on her sports team. My DH is manager of the team. We have been told that she has been calling another team member names. Our DD denies it,the other parents are adamant she has said these things and have reported the issue to the club. I don't know what to do. My DD she hasn't said anything.

So your daughter's best friend came forward and said that she heard your daughter saying these things. Her own best friend said that, after 2 others also said it. And you still think she didnt do it?

Your daughter has probably intimidated her beat friend into staying out of it. This girl needs to go to school with your daughter and a falling out will leave her out in the cold in their friend group at school. That's why she isnt getting involved. But she said it. She heard it. Your daughter did it.

Homophobic slurs and constant bullying. You need to remove her from the club.

It doesnt matter that her dad is the manager. It doesnt matter how involved you all are with the club. It doesnt matter that the victim is from out of area. Your daughter is bullying someone. There are witnesses. One of those witnesses is her own best friend and wont be lieing. Remove your kid from the club.

Your dds best friend knows she’s done this then suddenly pulled out as a witness I’d say your daughter is now bullying more than one person. The best friend is now Likely her next victim.

It's probably a good thing the club is investiagting then.

I think it'a actually in your DD interests to learn very quickly this type of behavior does have consquences.

And you think this is ok, that if the other parents remove their child from the club then you and your family can continue to enjoy being part of the club??

Are the comments your daughter made during matches? As in out of frustration, when the team is losing, blaming the other girl. Or something more personal?
The 1st one will probably involve a telling off, the second maybe match bans or something similar.
I've been a cwo before and inter squabbling isn't generally taken to cwo, more so coaching staff.

"We have asked our DD if the other child has said anything to her and our DD said no. I know my DH doesn't want it escalated as it could have consequences for him and our DD. He is integral part of this club for many many years,we live in the area, most of the kids are in the same school. It's very much our life. The other parents have said they will remove their own child from the club."

Oh blimey, you are THAT family, just like in my case.
Brush it under the carpet because your family are more important than the girl that's been bullied.
"(the club) it's very much our life" - oh, P-LEASE!!
Who lives where etc is irrelevant and the other child shouldn't have to leave - yours should.
Just keep minimising.
Even her best friend witnessed something and clearly won't get involved because of their friendship.
Parents don't go to safeguarding for a little one off name (remember they've said there's a list and another witness).

Deny all you like, minimise all you like - fact is, you're approach to this is disgusting and self important.

"The other parents have forwarded the club a list of the names and comments by DD has apparently said. Not racist but a homophobic slur and also very crude names."

That's not looking good on your daughter! Your DH needs to step back from the situation as I can see why the other parents have gone directly to the club rather than him.

We had something similar in one of the teams at DD's club. The player concerned was immediately suspended, club safeguarding officer held meetings with parents, statements were given and all sent to the sport's governing body for their decision. As it happened, they said the girl concerned didn't have to leave and since she returned to the club she has been as good as gold as she knows she is on very thin ice and any further transgression would mean he

Your daughter has to be suspended as an absolute minimum. Investigate what happened and go from there.

Bullying is a bit strong of a word. And a child protection officer?! I don’t see why this can’t be dealt with between you and the other family.

They’re kids - they say nasty things. Even the nicest, sweetest child says shockingly nasty things. I am a primary school teacher - I’ve heard it all.

She most likely has said something nasty at some point, but that doesn’t mean she’s a bad person, or ‘a bully’, and she can still be a good friend to the girl she’s hurt. Remind her that it is okay to admit that she’s been nasty, that you don’t expect perfection from her - she’s only 11! Maybe go back and remind her about small things she did wrong in years gone by, which now seem inconsequential. That it’s in every child’s nature. Remind her that no one is nice 100% of the time, not even you, and that everyone has human feelings which sometimes are unpleasant. But we have to learn how to deal with jealousy, boredom, competition or anger in a way that doesn’t hurt other people.

The important thing is for her to show that she wants to be nicer in the future, and wants to learn from this. Good luck OP.

@Pennyhill22

I know we're all being harsh and you're probably feeling angry/ashamed/embarrassed and you simply dont want to accept that your kid has been bullying someone and that is natural. Of course you dont want to accept it, but you have to.

Your daughter is young. She is starting to flex her muscles, starting to grow up, starting to act out. That's normal but she is doing it in a really terrible way. It is your job as her parent to listen to what you've bee told, and act accordingly. She is really clearly lieing. You can be pretty sure he has now had a go at her friend to get her to stay quiet.

You want to sweep it away and deny deny deny because of your positions with he club and community. Think about the lesson your daughter will learn. As long as she only bullies in the right place, she'll get away with it. As long as she can keep her friends quiet, she'll get away with it. As long as her dad's position is in danger, he'll cover for her.

You've got a chance to actually teach her here. To actually parent her through this stage so that she can come out the other side better. But that starts with telling her clearly that her lies arent working. You know she did it and it's up to her whether or not she gets punished for the bullying or for the bullying plus lieing about it.

You need to be a parent first and a club member second. Parent her and stop thinking about your family's standing in the club.

And your DD's best mate has said its true!

Your DD needs a ban match for a few games, she's guilty!

Every single one of your posts gets worse OP!!

Your DD’s best friend is refusing to get involved? That DEFINITELY means your DD did what she’s accused of.

So much concern for yourself in these posts! While a girl will be dropping out of sport as a result of your inaction. I don’t know about where you live, but competitive sports teams for girls are pretty hard to come by in our area.

Your DD needs to miss 2 or 3 games (and possibly training sessions).

Our DS missed one training and one game as a punishment for answering back to the coach (this was set by the coaches). Did he properly admit what he’d done to us? Did he bollocks. But we supported the punishment 100%.

The club's protection officer is entirely appropriate when homophobic slurs are being used and the parents have already gone to the manager (the bully's dad) and has been told that nothing will be done.

This is very sound advice. Most kids do, at some time or another say or do something that is not a desired behaviour. They are still young and a real transition period for many. Also, just because kids might be a handful at home does NOT mean kids are naughty in other situations. In fact it can often be the opposite too. The number of times I've seen (my DH is a volunteer sports coach) children whose parents think 'butter wouldn't melt', it's their children who are the ones with the snide, under-the-breath comments (these kids are often the ones their own and other parents think 'such-and-such is always so good and willing) - I think that if they feel they have to be 'perfect' at home, the outlet ends up being somewhere else.

However, given there is more than one witness, including your DD's friend (who did happen.

Involve the welfare/protection officer (all sports clubs should have one) without your DH, but approach your DD with an open mind - there is usually two sides to a story too - and be supportive. Hopefully this can be resolved, with the result that neither child has to leave the team.

"Your daughter has to be suspended as an absolute minimum. Investigate what happened and go from there."

@Hersetta427 Can't see that happening. OP has already said that the club is their life and the other child is likely to be the one that leaves. This either tells us something about the culture of the club or the entitlement of the family.

No - not really sure why she posted at all as it seems clear they want to do nothing, even though its clear what she did. I would probably remove my kids too !

You missed OPs update then where it isn't a one off incident, including crude names.

Your DD's best friend not getting involved is a major red flag. If your dd was innocent then she'd be defending her.

Does your dd admit to any name calling or crude language? It sounds like she could do with leaving the team for a while rather than the other girl.

Lots of typos on the above. This is very sound advice. Most kids do, at some time or another say or do something that is not a desired behaviour. They are still young and it's a real transition period for many. Also, just because kids might be a handful at home does NOT automatically mean they will act up or be naughty in other situations. In fact, it can often be the opposite too. The number of times I've seen (my DH is a volunteer sports coach) children whose parents think 'butter wouldn't melt', when it is their children who are the ones with the snide, under-the-breath comments. Sometimes I wonder that if they feel they have to be 'perfect' at home or in front of their parents, the outlet ends up being away from home/view.

However, given that there is more than one witness, including your DD's friend (who did say it happened, although now reluctant to get involved), indicates that your DD did say these things.

Involve the welfare/protection officer (all sports clubs should have one) without your DH. But still approach your DD with an open mind approach. There is usually two sides to a story or a reason (maybe something is happening to her somewhere else leading to displacement), so be supportive. Hopefully this can be resolved, your DD misses a couple of matches, with the result that neither child has to leave the team.

Your family's standing in the club and continuation in it will be far greater if your DH deals with this in the proper way, than if you all try to pretend it's not happening and you sought it under the variety to protect yourselves, OP.

The absolute WORST thing you could do if you want to continue with the club involvement, is that you're doing. Hoping that the victim will just go away, and demonstrating to all the other parents in the club, that no-one outside your family matters, and that any incidents involving their children will be ignored, or treated differently to protect you all.

Agreed. If more than one person is saying it,I would side with them. Of course your child is going to say they're not. You need to listen to the parents.

Tbh OP, sometimes when a child refuses to admit something then the parents have to make a call on what seems more likely. Unfortunately, it does sound like your daughter has done this.

I would tell her that given how serious the accusations are and how serious the words are that she used, she will not be attending the club for 2 (or however many) weeks so she can think about what she's done and understand that there are consequences.

Your DH can then tell the other family that she has been spoken to and will not be attending for this time as punishment, and hopefully that will make them feel better and also stop your DD from doing this again.

and you sought it under the variety to protect

And you shove it under the carpet!

I don't know what happened there!

It's really not that unlikely. OP is she good at the sport, or is she not so good? If not so good, it could be a tactic to get her off the team.

However, if she is saying unpleasant things, then it obviously needs addressing and the child welfare officer should be an independent person who can consider the complaint, they don't necessarily investigate depending on the sport and club concerned, but they should ensure that any investigation is carried out fairly, with an eye on natural justice and that there is no witch hunt.

Sorry but it doesn't matter what your DH wants. He should have no say as manager as his child is involved. It really isn't ok that the other child has to leave because of your childs actions. Wow.