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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Daughter accused of bullying

401 replies

Pennyhill22 · 24/05/2022 08:17

My dd has been accused of bullying on her sports team. My DH is manager of the team. We have been told that she has been calling another team member names. Our DD denies it,the other parents are adamant she has said these things and have reported the issue to the club. I don't know what to do. My DD she hasn't said anything.

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 25/05/2022 14:40

She has admitted calling the other child names but said she didn't mean to be mean,she just thought it was banter.

She's lying again, minimizing. You must nip this in the bud now.

MadeForThis · 25/05/2022 16:24

Your dd is a bully.

The club needs to deal with it by following their usual procedure.

Your DH should be ashamed of his reaction. He has minimised the bullying and failed to protect the victim.

JosephdeMaistre · 25/05/2022 16:40

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This post is not in the spirit of the site and has been removed.

Johnnysgirl · 25/05/2022 16:40

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Ridiculous, goady nonsense.

JosephdeMaistre · 25/05/2022 16:46

Johnnysgirl · 25/05/2022 16:40

Ridiculous, goady nonsense.

“goady” means “an opinion I don’t like” right?

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 25/05/2022 16:55

@JosephdeMaistre - I do hope you're joking re 'bants'?

Yeah it's hilarious if you're called a homophobic 'bant' by someone who's just joking right? I suppose you mean the victim should just try to get used to being called homophobic 'bant' slurs all through their life and have to suffer in silence with this?

gamerchick · 25/05/2022 16:56

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Dunno, I smell a RL bully around here like.

Sparro · 25/05/2022 16:57

Do you frequently use homophobic slurs as bantz?

YarnHoarder · 25/05/2022 16:58

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What's 'bants' about homophobic language? Especially something that was repeated several times and the OP's child felt she had to lie about to avoid any consequences. It's borderline hate speech (probably not even borderline but as we're talking about children here). There's nothing acceptable or bants about what the child has now admitted to and the parents need a serious discussion with each other and their child about how this occurred and what they're going to do about it.

PixieLaLa · 25/05/2022 17:28

Oh hi OP’s daughter 👋 JosephdeMaistre

PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 25/05/2022 17:59

PixieLaLa · 25/05/2022 17:28

Oh hi OP’s daughter 👋 JosephdeMaistre

🤦‍♀️

ancientgran · 25/05/2022 18:30

She's 11, we all made mistakes at that age. Do they really understand about homophobic slurs at that age? She will hopefully learn from this and not make the same mistake again.

Johnnysgirl · 25/05/2022 18:46

ancientgran · 25/05/2022 18:30

She's 11, we all made mistakes at that age. Do they really understand about homophobic slurs at that age? She will hopefully learn from this and not make the same mistake again.

Not with both parents defending her to the hilt, she won't.

Sparro · 25/05/2022 19:03

ancientgran · 25/05/2022 18:30

She's 11, we all made mistakes at that age. Do they really understand about homophobic slurs at that age? She will hopefully learn from this and not make the same mistake again.

As someone who was the victim of homophobic slurs at that age I definitely understood them, and so did the people using them.

PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 25/05/2022 19:18

ancientgran · 25/05/2022 18:30

She's 11, we all made mistakes at that age. Do they really understand about homophobic slurs at that age? She will hopefully learn from this and not make the same mistake again.

At 11, nearly 12 of course she knows what they mean. It also wasn't a one off as OP has said.

Vallmo47 · 25/05/2022 19:22

OP it wasn’t banter but now you’ve promised she won’t get in trouble for being a bully, so where do you actually go from here?? Enough excusing her awful behaviour, everyone knows she’s guilty and you need to own it too. I’d be mortified and you must be too.

JosephdeMaistre · 25/05/2022 19:53

Everyone is whipping themselves into a frenzy about a child saying some no no words to another. Couldn’t be me

YarnHoarder · 25/05/2022 20:12

JosephdeMaistre · 25/05/2022 19:53

Everyone is whipping themselves into a frenzy about a child saying some no no words to another. Couldn’t be me

I find it hard to believe you'd be quite so ok with homophobic language and other unkind words being used against your child on multiple occasions leading to them leaving their hobby.

Herejustforthisone · 25/05/2022 20:15

JosephdeMaistre · 25/05/2022 19:53

Everyone is whipping themselves into a frenzy about a child saying some no no words to another. Couldn’t be me

Are you really still here, trying to get people to notice you?

ancientgran · 25/05/2022 20:34

Johnnysgirl · 25/05/2022 18:46

Not with both parents defending her to the hilt, she won't.

It isn't going to just be the parents, she is likely to have to account to someone at the club, apologise to the other child or whatever.

She's 11, she has time to learn. Did you get everything right at 11?

Johnnysgirl · 25/05/2022 20:40

ancientgran · 25/05/2022 20:34

It isn't going to just be the parents, she is likely to have to account to someone at the club, apologise to the other child or whatever.

She's 11, she has time to learn. Did you get everything right at 11?

No, and neither did my kids. But they knew not to treat other kids like shit, and I wouldn't have tried to discredit another child who'd claimed to be bullied by them.
Op's DH was working hard to prevent the complaint being escalated as it might (it will, tough) impact on his position at the club.

TrashyPanda · 25/05/2022 23:32

ancientgran · 25/05/2022 18:30

She's 11, we all made mistakes at that age. Do they really understand about homophobic slurs at that age? She will hopefully learn from this and not make the same mistake again.

But She didn’t limit her abuse to homophobic slurs. There were other nasty names too.

it is very clear she knew exactly what she was doing - insulting and bullying the other girl.

no doubt she’s heard her dad saying he doesn’t like the other girl or her father. And going on about his position in the climb, how much he does for it etc - giving her the idea he is Teflon and so is she, by association.

imo the only way she will learn is by making a public apology and a ban for the rest of the season. It doesn’t sound like her parents will sanction her.

PixieLaLa · 25/05/2022 23:36

JosephdeMaistre · 25/05/2022 19:53

Everyone is whipping themselves into a frenzy about a child saying some no no words to another. Couldn’t be me

You are the child.

Newmumatlast · 26/05/2022 07:03

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Newmumatlast · 26/05/2022 07:36

JosephdeMaistre · 24/05/2022 13:56

What would you say to an OP who believes spurious bullying accusations against their child and the relationship had suffered as a result?

Totally get what you're saying about spurious allegations. If my child was simply accused by one child, and my child said that she didn't do it, and there was no previous indication from my child that she would act in such a way, I'd be in her corner 100%.

Here, though, there is evidence. Independent evidence from the girl's own best friend. Coupled with the fact that the girl has recently been found to be lying about something unrelated, granted, but indicative that she would lie if it benefited her to. And also that her behaviour has been difficult recently.

I could understand if the girl had not lied, been difficult, there were no witnesses etc. But that isn't the case and that one witness is actually her best friend says alot.

It is very rare to have tangible evidence as you previously referenced the absence of. These sorts of things are usually he said she said. Yet here it's actually up a notch from that as there are witnesses one of whom is independent/more likely to be bias in favour of the accused girl.

If this were a court matter, the best friend witness would be very compelling.

If I were in OPs shoes I would be careful not to say I didn't believe my daughter because there is always the chance that she is being truthful and I would not want to damage our relationship in terms of her coming to me with issues in the future. So I agree with you that it isnt right to jump to her being a liar. However I would sit her down, explain the evidence, explain how it doesn't look good, explain how there is to be an investigation and what that means (having found out about the process myself) and that I will support her whatever she did or didn't do in that we will work through it together however she needs to be aware that she will be in a much better position if she is honest now, if she did it, than later. I would explain what the consequence would be if she did it and said so now and what the consequence would likely be if she did it and was instead found to have later (like when you get a reduction for a guilty plea) so that she was fully informed to make a decision. If she continued to deny it I would support her - not actively telling everyone she didn't do it but in terms of supporting her emotionally while trying to be objective about the investigation- and then if the outcome is that it is considered that she did do it I would follow through with the more severe consequence I had previously explained to her.

For me, the consequences would probably be a short break from training to reset versus potentially removing her from the club irrespective of the club's decision so that she appreciates the increased severity of not telling the truth. If she is telling the truth she should have little to worry about and she may be able to suggest to me other people who would've been training at the same time as comments were allegedly made who could speak in her favour given that it sounds like this has happened on a lot of occasions.

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