Daughter accused of bullying

[Pennyhill22]

My dd has been accused of bullying on her sports team. My DH is manager of the team. We have been told that she has been calling another team member names. Our DD denies it,the other parents are adamant she has said these things and have reported the issue to the club. I don't know what to do. My DD she hasn't said anything.

Oh come on, she's been rumbled.

Her Dad is the coach, she thinks she can get away with murder!

It sounds like your DD has been throwing her weight around thinking she can act with impunity because she's got her Dad in her corner.

It's not fair. DH needs to stand down from the team as manager and someone impartial take over.

Of course DDs not going to admit it, she's been caught and she's embarrassed. If others can corroborate the slurs, then you have to admit she's been mean and she needs to stop.

And of course it needs to be dealt with impartially with an outside person. If it's your DH and other parents it will just turn into "she said, he said" pointing fingers. I wouldn't go down that line,.

But most of all your DH needs to coach a different side and all the girls will feel like they are equal again.

Most parents who are teachers these days deliberately don't send their children to the school they work at for precisely this reason. They are too open to critisicm for potentially unfairly favouring their own child.

It sounds like this may have been happening - even if your DH is an unwitting partner in it all. She has felt safe to criticise others, thinking she won't get into trouble.

I’d be clear with her: an accusation of name-calling has been made and another seperate child says she has witnessed it. Explain that the club needs to investigate it for everyone’s sake - if there are false accusations being made then that’s a serious thing, but if there’s repeated name-calling that is equally a big issue.

Tell her that if there’s any truth in the accusations-even if she herself doesn’t think they amount to bullying- she needs to own up now, as the investigation will figure out what’s happening and lying about it will make things much worse.

Then DH needs to make it clear to the DC’s and Club that he wants it dealt with by someone else as he doesn’t want accusations of unfairness or bias.

People don't remove their kid from a club without reason. The other girl herself wouldn't want to have to leave the club and her friends there without reason.

I'm afraid that with every update, your DD is looking more guilty of bullying.

@Pennyhill22 your whole last post is the about the impact on you and your family. Very much getting a sense of what’s going on here and not remotely surprised the other family escalated.

You said she’s difficult (all 11-12 yr old are)
and there’s a list
is there any other relationship between the other girl and your DD - same school?
Maybe they had a falling off at school and since her dad is the manager she felt “confident” at the club to bully the other girl? Or the other 2 are siding with the other girl to get your DD in trouble
speak to her and explain the situation, how it’s being escalated and how she and (potentially) her dad (being the manager and not noticing/not managing the behaviour) can get in trouble
do keep in mind that she may as well be bullying the other girl

Not racist but a homophobic slur and also very crude names.

So I was spot on in my previous comments. The fact that the parents are taking it to the highest position first and a CPO is going to be possibly involved led me to think that it was something of this nature. It's two different sets of parents, not a once off and you have being experiencing difficult behavior at home. Come on op, you know what's happening here. It's disgusting if your dd has done this. I think let it run its course through the meetings but you need to pull your dd out. There should be zero tolerance for homophobia and you dd needs to be severely dealt with.

If she can be hard work at home sometimes, why did you think that she can't be hard work outside the home, too?

I'm not for a moment minimising how hard it must be for you to have to face this, and I know if not want to believe it either. But the chances of her not having done this are looking really really slim. Your DH can't expect this to be glossed over because the team is important to him.

You need to calming tell your DD the full facts. Tell her if she is honest you will support her no matter what. Tell her if she lies it will have consequences.

we all know our own DC . Do you honestly think she could be capable of this ? If so you have your answer

So more than one witness and a list of names and comments. For this to be the case it clearly isn't a one off. I think you're in denial and your DD is a lying.

Thanks to a mum in denial we left 2 clubs due to her believing her spiteful little daughter.

I went to the mother and politely asked that she get her child to stop. I was told "I've spoken to her, she denies it and therefore I won't be doing anything". The snide digs, comments and controlling behaviour continued. I then witnessed it for myself and went to the mum again and got the same response.

We ended up leaving the club for another (a breath of fresh air) - 2 years later they followed us!! She started her nastiness again and we left.

The family are the type that volunteer at the club, help at most competitions, take coaching courses etc. Ingratiating themselves.

IF your DD did it I hope they do something about it - I would hate for another child to go through what mine did with an untouchable family and a mum in denial. The effects on my child have been long lasting.

@Mally100

totally agree but

DD can’t be dealt with as “DH doesn’t want it escalated as it could have consequences for him and DD. He is integral part of this club for many many years, we live in the area.. It's very much our life.” So much better “the other kid leaves” then we can all crack on like nothing happened.

He is integral part of this club for many many years,we live in the area, most of the kids are in the same school. It's very much our life. The other parents have said they will remove their own child from the club.

So you want the victim to be the one who loses out, so that you and your family can carry on as if nothing happened.
Come on now. Surely you can see that this is absolutely not on. I can see why the other girls parents have escalated things now.

I don’t understand why several other parents would lie about this. Even if they didn’t get on with you as a parent for whatever reason (which you haven’t mentioned a problem there), why on earth would they make something like this up about an innocent child? I’d believe the witness accounts and rather than them remove their children (I can understand that they feel uncomfortable in your daughters presence), I’d take my child out and she’d be punished accordingly. Bullying is awful, I hope your daughter learns from this.

@BringBackCoffeeCreams Interested in why you think that, the OP said it was one set of parents.

The other girl doesn't live in our area or attend the same school. They only see each other at the club for training and matches. One of the witnesses is the other girls friend and the other witness is my DD best friend,they sit together in school. My DDs friend has now said she's not getting involved.

This really is up to the child safeguarding/welfare officer to investigate.

My DH is manager of a children's sports team. Children (and parents) act up every now and again and he is often unaware. Outdoor acoustics can mean you don't hear everything going on or you can be distracted by one incident not notice another taking place.

There are no bad or nasty kids on our team, but most of them have displayed unwanted behaviours from time to time that have needed nipping in the bud. The transition from primary to secondary leads lots of children to be exposed to new attitudes and language which they experiment with (often unaware of how rude they are being). Children often have their own rigid ideas of what bullying is, and can be unaware of how hurtful their behaviour can be.

Approach it with an open mind. Let your daughter know that you support her, but that in return you expect honesty in order to help her and explain how words and language can be incredibly hurtful and can land her in a heap of trouble. This is a learning experience for you all.

If dds friend no longer wants to be involved I'd be wondering what dd has said to her (potentially manipulative or threatening).

Of course she did it. Other kids have heard her. She did it.

She thinks she can get away with it because her dad manages the team and it sounds like you dont think she did it because she said so. She is obviously lieing. You need to give her consequences for lieing and then deal with the bullying.

Let the club do what they would do for any other kid who has been a bully, or remove her yourself.

the other witness is my DD best friend,they sit together in school. My DDs friend has now said she's not getting involved

I wonder why.

Like I said, with every update, your DD comes off worse.
Her best friend has witnessed and confirmed this behaviour, and now she daren't continue to be part of the investigation.

@Pennyhill22

What about this are you NOT getting? It’s irrelevant who goes to what school and lives in what area. It’s looking very likely your DD has bullied/made comments that are totally inappropriate and need to be punished. SHE should be the one leaving.

Every post you have minimised and made it about you and your family. Says everything about the culture of this club.

Will leave the thread now as people like you piss me off.

@Pennyhill22 Talk to your DD and tell her she needs to be honest with you. Listen to her side of the story. Accusations of bullying are best taken seriously ,try to find out as much detail as you can ,is it one team mate ,is the allegation of multiple episodes or an isolated occasion is it one set of parents ,is there any corroboration to substantiate the allegations ?

If one of the other witness parents is the parents of your daughter best friend and confirm that indeed your daughter has called the other girl name the course of action from the coach should be to suspend your daughter for a certain amount of training and matches.

How much info do you have?
In parents state " on Saturday 15th, 2pm, after the match with arsenal, OP's dd said xxx. "

It's hard to refute surely?

It sounds as though your family has a stifling stranglehold over this club, which doesn't seem very fair on the other girl and her parents. Is there actually an independent safeguarding representative?

I don't think that your dh is either able, or the appropriate person, to take this forward.

The investigation needs to be led by an independent person.

that was also my first thought 😀