Daughter accused of bullying

[Pennyhill22]

My dd has been accused of bullying on her sports team. My DH is manager of the team. We have been told that she has been calling another team member names. Our DD denies it,the other parents are adamant she has said these things and have reported the issue to the club. I don't know what to do. My DD she hasn't said anything.

If the other children corroborate, it rather makes your DD look like a liar as well as a name caller.
Give her the opportunity to come clean before a big show down which will probably just make her double down.
What are the club sanctions for poor behaviour?

Have you spoken to those other children and their parents?

We haven't properly spoke to the other parents or children. One parent and child are supporting the claim that our DD has name called, the other parent did say her child had heard a nasty comment but they don't want their child involved. If the child protection officer gets involved what could happen.

So it's actually 2 sets of witness accounts. Why would two different parents set out to target your dd? I think its more likely she was a bully to the girl. Going straight to the club managers instead of trying to resolve it within the team, means it's pretty serious enough. I would try get down to what your dd said and then deal with it from there.

What was the nature of the rudeness and is there any history between the two girls prior?

Approach it like a legal case. Someone denies they did something, there are two witnesses confirming she did do that. One of which is prepared to testify. What would you think?
Talk to your DD and explain the situation is not looking positive. Ask her why does she think 2 other children also confirming she did say those things. In theory it is possible they all ganged up against her, it is unlikely she would be believed even if it is the case

One nasty comment isn’t bullying. Bullying is repetitive behaviour.

If your DD has said something nasty to the other girl (which seems likely, given other children have corroborated) she should be sanctioned in whatever way the club decides as per its policy and a restorative conversation should take place, with rules for behaviour clearly laid out + actions if the behaviour continues.

Sports clubs should take bullying seriously, but they should also be able to deal with one off instances of poor behaviour (which WILL happen with kids) and not blow things up into big parent showdowns and bad feeling spreading among the whole team.

I hate to say it, but is there an issue with favouritism if her dad is the manager, and are the other girls perhaps getting a bit jealous of how DD is treated compared to them?

I wouldn't dismiss it. None of us like to see our kids as bullies. I'd just say to the bairn it's going to be seriously investigated and if she has, it'll be found out and would be better if she admitted it. If she hasn't she has nothing to worry about. But stress the truth will be found. Let her mull over it a bit.

Depends on what the nasty comment was, could be racist, homophobic etc. I would think maybe it's along these lines if the parents are taking it so seriously and reporting this.

It will be a jealousy thing
has your dd won any player of the year, parents player of the year etc type awards recently
has she been complimented openly by other teams in front of this family
has she been scouted for county or other clubs

all these things can drive other sport parents to literal insanity lol

And yes what’s the comment - if it’s racial or something like that it’s different to ‘you’re rubbish at being in midfield’ or ‘I wish you were on a different team because you’re not that good’

OP - if it's your daughter who invited the whole team except one girl to her birthday - that was definitely terrible behaviour

I understand that there are actually several different girls sports teams in the UK.

Well if they've already spoken to the club then I'd let the club deal with it.
Surely your DH can't really be involved with the bullying issue if he's the manager and her dad as he'll obviously want to believe your DD.

The fact that your DH is the manager means that he has to step away and let someone else in the club deal with this. It's absolutely wrong for him to be dealing with this.

I'm bemused at the involvement of a CPO though. For a single one off comment? This is why it has to be dealt with by the club's safeguarding person, and not your DH.

Sounds like a hooha over not much.
Id thank the other parent for letting me know, and that youd talk to your dd.
Id tell your dd that its her word against the other girls, but ask her if theres any reason that this has come up? That if she has called a name then to pack it in now and dont bring trouble home. That if theres any reason that the girls dont like each other much, then thats fine but you just keep out of each others way.

Yes unless it's racist , homophobic or the like.

That is possible but it is also possible that there isn't favouritism but people think there is. I know a teacher who swapped the year she taught, always did year 2 I think, because however hard she was on her own child there were still allegations that he got favouritism. She said in the end it was just so unfair as he was treated less favourably than the others as she bent over backwards to prove she wasn't favouring him and she still got accused of it.

On the other hand one of my kids was at a school where all the plum parts in plays, or going on trips or whatever went to one of three kids, the headmaster's son, the school secretary's daughter or the head of governors daughter. The other kids (27 of them) in that year never got to do anything and it did cause alot of resentment.

It will be a jealousy thing

Oh for goodness' sake. "They're jealous of you" is how nine year old girls justify stuff.

Whatever your DD did or didn’t do it’s totally inappropriate for your DH to get involved.

The parents are right to refer to the club for it to be investigated properly. Seems the fairest thing.

I wondered this. Could it just be the other kids are jealous of your DD; does your DD get to always be in the team, does she ever get sub'd like other team members etc. Maybe they called her out on it, she called one of them a name that the other one overheard...

There has been no issue between the girls up until now. The other parents have forwarded the club a list of the names and comments by DD has apparently said. Not racist but a homophobic slur and also very crude names.

No our DD would never be singled out for her performance on the pitch and definately has not been scouted by other clubs.

It will be a jealousy thing

FFS are people really this lacking in imagination that everything is blamed on 'jealousy'?

A list? Was this not a one off incident then?
If there's an allegation that this is more than just a hot headed/rude throwaway comment then is there someone other than your DH who can look into it?

Yes unfortunately it was not a once of comment.