Daughter accused of bullying

[Pennyhill22]

My dd has been accused of bullying on her sports team. My DH is manager of the team. We have been told that she has been calling another team member names. Our DD denies it,the other parents are adamant she has said these things and have reported the issue to the club. I don't know what to do. My DD she hasn't said anything.

Bullying is a bit strong of a word. And a child protection officer?! I don’t see why this can’t be dealt with between you and the other family.

The manager of the team is the alleged bully's father and you're being naive to think that all parents can sort this out amongst themselves. OP's dd is denying the allegations and the other child and witnesses say it happened.

A one off wouldn't be bullying but there's a list of incidents including a homophobic slur which is more than nastiness.

A temporary suspension during the investigation is vital by the way. Has she been suspended from the team yet? Your DH needs to do that if his own volition, to demonstrate that he's taking this seriously.

@Hersetta427 Agreed. I was the one that removed my child when the 'heavily ensconced in the club' mother denied her child's bullying. I witnessed it, they denied it, mum carried on brown nosing to the head coach and we left only for them to follow us! I feel for the poor child on the receiving end.

I know my DH doesn't want it escalated as it could have consequences for him and our DD. He is integral part of this club for many many years,we live in the area, most of the kids are in the same school. It's very much our life. The other parents have said they will remove their own child from the club.

He's damaged the family reputation by not treating this the same as if the child wasn't his daughter. The witness and your DD's bf family know what happened and that the victim was forced to leave which is very sad. The consequence of this is that your dd gets away with bald behaviour because her dad is coach. Pull her out, investigate and ask the other family to reconsider. As coach has he offered her some words of comfort that she was called names ?

It isn't up the the manager to decide that, it comes from the club.

Your dh as a manager must have known about this, that is the biggest concern here, that he has enabled bullying by his own dd, as the manager. No wonder the other parents are upset too. I think this may well end up being far more serious than you think. You have said it has happened many more times than once - there is in fact a whole list, supported by other witnesses and families. I am not sure why you are even considering the option that your dd is lying? It is grotesquely unfair for the bullied child to have to leave and totally unacceptable.

1. In your place I would be removing dd from the club and all extras (phones etc) until dd can tell me the absolute truth from start to finish. This was not made up - there is much more to this, and I would be getting to the bottom of it.

2. I would be speaking to my dh, why on earth hasn't he stepped in to stop this? It is his job to be fair and to ensure the safety and wellbeing of ALL girls not just his own. I think his position may well be in peril, as the safe guarding officer may right take a very dim view of this situation.

3. Once the truth is established I would probably remove dd anyway, it is not a great combination with your dh being coached, and they be accused of favourites etc.

4. DD would be writing a letter of apology to the child, and an apology to the team made in person or on whatsapp.

It takes a lot for parents to complain about the child of their manager op. In my mind the chances of this being organised and coordinated lies, especially as it involves adults are about zero.

Support your child and talk about why she felt the need to be so hurtful. Was she feeling jealous? Angry? It is important to try and guide her to do the right thing and correct her mistakes with dignity and understanding and having empathy for the other girl.

This is horrible. I can’t believe how you and your husband are behaving, you want the other child to go and for it all to go away and your kid to get away with it.

it’s shocking. You’re all about protecting yourselves when you should be dealing with your child who clearly has signficant behavioural issues. You are doing her no favours, pull her out of the club.

Sports teams need to be a safe space, don't the OP. It seems as if your DD is unfortunately using her power as D of the coach to bully others, and her own best friend even spoke out. Can you imagine how intimidating it must've been on the first place, for the girl who was being bullied to speak out when her bullies family run the entire club?

Kids make mistakes and your DD doesn't have to be defined by this. It's a huge learning moment though, so shouldn't be brushed under the carpet.

Sorry OP but the way that this has been mismanaged by you and your husband stinks.
It sounds like a toxic environment not an inclusive one and I'd be removing my child and looking for an alternative club/team if I was in any of the other parents shoes.

100% this
Your view seems to be how it affects you, your DH and your DD. What about the girl(s) she's victimising and bullying? What about what they feel??

He is integral part of this club for many many years, we live in the area, most of the kids are in the same school. It's very much our life

How you handle this now is even more important if you all live in the same area if many years, you sound entrenched in your community, attend the same school and your family reputation is now at stake.

Doing the right thing now, apologising to the other girl and all of the children involved, removing your child and putting her into another team for next season will seem fair to everyone else around you, and will die down in no time.

If the bullied child is forced to leave, and many others are likely to follow suit and everyone in the area gets to hear about what your child has said, this could make your lives very difficult for years to come and your child has to carry that homophobic stain/bully with her indefinitely. I can not stress the importance that as adults you absolutely must do the right thing, double down behind your dd's lies and it will end very badly for dd, the whole family, the football team and your wider neighbourhood.

What awful self preservation from your DH.

It obviously hasn't occurred to you how damaging his behaviour is otherwise you wouldn't have posted about it.

Making it difficult for an 11 year old girl to report bullying because he wants to protect his own reputation is disgraceful.

I do feel very sorry for the bullied girl and her family, what a truly awful position to be in.

Making it difficult for an 11 year old girl to report bullying because he wants to protect his own reputation is disgraceful

it's nothing to do with him. The complaints should go to the club welfare officer, who should facilitate the investigation and any consequences. It might be that the complaints centre both on the actions of the OP's DD and of the DH if he has not dealt with the alleged bullying properly or at all.

But it is definitely the case that parents can gang up to get someone drummed out of the club, especially if the club welfare officer is useless. I know of a local case about a decade ago when there were complaints made and the club decided to get rid of the child without even speaking to the child's parents or carrying out an investigation, they just took the other parents' word for it. Hence why it is so important for the club welfare officer to do their job properly.

OP its common in our village, as I am sure it is in other villages, for dad's to coach the local football team. But because their sons go to school with the other players etc - its impossible to ever talk to a coach about his son as it has repercussions not only on the pitch but also in school. So the fact other parents have not said anything unfort doesn't mean anything. Find a parent in the team who you think would be honest with you (possibly a close friend or maybe not if you think your friends will try and protect your feelings) and ask them if the other parents talk about your daughter doing the things she has been accused of doing.

Do you or your DH exhibit homophobic behaviours or name call at home? Her behaviour could stem from things she picks up in her environment. Are there issues in the home which could explain her behaviour regarding the bullying/name calling etc.?

I agree with the PP. Be a parent first. You are way too concerned about saving face and your "standing" in your community. You are not thinking about the welfare of those that were affected. You sound quite entitled and you need to focus on sorting out the issues with your DD first and foremost. Find out the root of DD's problem otherwise the name calling and bullying will continue elsewhere like school.

Could you ask the parents of your daughter's friend? As she was there, and allegedly heard it. I would say that you won't tell daughter who told you, you just need to know what happened. If she confirms that your daughter did say this, then you have to suspend her for 2 weeks and write an apology note to the girl. Because your husband's the manager, he has to deal with it well.

I don't know what to do

it is in everyone's best interests to let this be investigated properly. At the moment, it hasn't been proven one way or another (despite all the posts here believing your DD is guilty. She might be, she might not be. Only an investigation will tell)

if it is done in any way other than via a proper "official" investigation then there will always be doubts and bad feelings.

He is integral part of this club for many many years, we live in the area, most of the kids are in the same school. It's very much our life

How you handle this now is even more important if you all live in the same area if many years, you sound entrenched in your community, attend the same school and your family reputation is now at stake

This is a very good point. Your DH has to show leadership and integrity now. It seems more likely than not that your DD has said these things. The situation is still recoverable.

'My DDs friend has now said she's not getting involved'
You need to ask yourself why she has made this decision. Sounds like she has too much to lose and doesn't want to fall out with your daughter and your hubby (her coach).

If what this friend had to say backed up your daughter's version surely her best friend would be shouting from the roof tops that your daughter is innocent?

But she's not is she? She has chosen not to get involved....so sounds very much like what she did witness backed up the other girl's version she just is worried about the repercussions if she admits it.

You said yourself this club is integral to your family's social life and your hubby does not want this issue escalated - I'm sorry but you sound like an intelligent woman - there is no smoke without fire in this case.

Pennyhill22 · Today 09:54

'She is 11,almost 12 and yes we have asked her everyday if she said those things and she denies it. She has admitted to telling a lie to an adult quite recently and we grounded her for a day.'

I believe she has been bullying and you have pushed her into a corner where she knows if she comes clean and admits it - she will be punished.

I think you have to approach her differently. She has obviously seen the amount of trouble she has caused and will be afraid to tell the truth.

There should be no punishment of any sort for telling the truth.

There should be some sort of punishment for bullying. Clamp down hard on her.

How you deal with it is your choice. None of us want to admit our children do anything wrong, but they do !

From knowing someone at school at the same age who bullied (and it got worse) and her mum also bullied her at home (so both would've denied it), I'd say to flag it up ASAP and get it sorted out.

Years later the bully still has these tendencies (due to a recent interaction with her) but it's damaged her her entire life and has ruined relationships.

I'd do what a few other posters have done, suspend your DD from team, get her to write an apology, get DH involved and don' minimise it.

You and your husband, despite him managing the team, have to step back and let the complaint run through the policies and procedures of the club without let or hindrance.

Of course she isnt going to admit it, she'll get into trouble.

So she's now lying to you about it and being nasty to other kids. Going to keep believing her or the witnesses?