Daughter accused of bullying

[Pennyhill22]

My dd has been accused of bullying on her sports team. My DH is manager of the team. We have been told that she has been calling another team member names. Our DD denies it,the other parents are adamant she has said these things and have reported the issue to the club. I don't know what to do. My DD she hasn't said anything.

A list of names and comments is quite worrying really - this is clearly not a one-off.

There’s not much you can do other then wait.

Do you believe your child? If you do, then back them and go through the process. She’ll have nothing to hide if she’s telling the truth.

There’s really only an issue if you think she’s lying.

If she won't admit it and other kids have said they've heard it. I'd side with those.

I would be pulling her out of the club, you've said yourself she's hard work at times so....

We all worry about our children being bullied but find it harder to accept that they might be the bully. Children can easily make mistakes in judgement at this age. For a while I was vile to the girl who is now my best friend. I would try not to get into proving or disproving it or questioning her so she is forced to defend herself/ admit it/lie about it. Make sure she knows you love her even if she has made a mistake and talk to her about her relationships within the team and how it's appropriate to deal with negative feelings towards someone else. Let her know she can always talk to you about anything. Speak openly and honestly with the other parents without any blame/ denials. If it doesn't happen again I'm sure it will blow over quite quickly.

The coach of our DS rugby team had his DS on the team. He was not a nice boy and was rude to many chidren. Father didnt really act and parents got fed up with his son getting away with his behaviour. Noone did anything so parents moved their DC to a different club. I am surprised your DH isnt aware of these issues as he is the manager.. However he needs to step back and let someone else deal with it.
Your DD may deny but she needs to be advised about offensive and rude language and the impact that can have not only on others but on her going forward if it continues- i dont think trying to suggest your DD has done nothing wrong and everyone else is a liar is helpful.

If there's a list then it's a pattern of behaviour rather than a one-off comment. I think your DD and your DH need to step back while there is an investigation by the safeguarding officer.

Our DD did this at around the same age, we wouldn't have expected it of her but there were adult witnesses. The whole team was quite tricky, I know the coaches were having problems generally with them, but she still had no excuse for name calling. We apologised on the parents' WhatsApp group. She never went back to that team, we moved her to another one and told her if there were any more of that kind of behaviour she would be giving up football permanently.

I think a lot of kids go through this because they think it makes them look cool or because they're testing boundaries. The thing is to make it very clear that it won't be tolerated.

DD's move actually worked out for the best for her. She could play on an under 14s team but she's on the under 17s team because she's good. So her skills are being stretched by playing with an older age group and there is a mix of ages on the team which seems to help with everyone getting along. Clearly it would be much more awkward for your DD to move team given that her Dad is the manager, but it's something to consider.

She is 11,almost 12 and yes we have asked her everyday if she said those things and she denies it. She has admitted to telling a lie to an adult quite recently and we grounded her for a day.

😂 Yeah, great minds @FedUpToTheBackTooth !

I think you have to let the safeguarding officer investigate and decide what happens.

But with a list of comments and dates, and two witnesses, I wouldn't be in any way certain it hadn't happened.

It is perfectly normal not to have the victim of bullying meet with the perpetrator, so I wouldn't think anything negative about the other family not wanting to meet in the way you've suggested.

Worse case your dd might get kicked off the team. But I expect if she promises not to name call and be kind going forward even if she won't admit it she will get another chance I expect.

I think if you and dh assure welfare officer that you know this is unacceptable and monitor closely that will also help.

Yell dd you are watching and any sign of any unkind behaviour at sports club, school or anywhere else will result in a consequence. Also monitor phone if she has one.

This makes it sound like a serious, ongoing issue.

The fact that then there's a list of occasions when DD is said to have been verbally abusive, is, I'm afraid, very indicative of her lying. It's neither a one off, nor a single victim, nor just a single witness.

I totally understand your difficulty in accepting that she would do this. But I'm afraid you and your DH now have to stand back and let the club deal with it.

😁

On balance of probabilities, it would seem your DD has been bullying. What do the other parents want to happen? and what is club policy if a team member bullies others?
If it was my DC, I'd be taking them out of the team as well as making them write a letter of apology to the other DC. Then I'd be working on their honesty and their attitude.

If she is adamant that she said nothing, then I suggest you let this play out. It has been reported to the club who will investigate. It sounds like this was not a one off incident and your dd will have to live with whatever sanctions the club decide.

If your DH wasn't the manager, this would just take its course and you'd have no other option. So you need to get into the mindset of a 'normal' team member parent, and stop thinking that you can somehow handle it in a different way.

It depends on what's in the area - but I'd be inclined to try what BlackAmericanoNoSugar did above or another group/activity.

Otherwise wait out the club investiagtion and see what they want to happen.

11 years - Y^/Y7 there can be a deterioration in behavior - so I'd make it very clear this is unacceptable behavior from her - and with multiple witnesses it's likely to be true but I'd try and avoid an argument about that and just make it clear all such behavior like this is unacceptable.

The lying is very annoying but as she's recently been punished about that for another incident I'd probably work on that another time (and then point out she loses your trust more every time ) and focus on the unacceptable comments.

One of the girls is lying. If it your DD I'd remove her from the team. Send her to a different one and tell her she has to be nice to stay there.

If it is the other girl I would still remove my DD from the team as she is being effectively bullied herself if someone is making false accusations. I would also expect my DH to leave in these circumstances.

So either way I would remove her from the team.

The only way I would keep her on the team would be if it turned out the other girl was telling the truth but she was also being mean to your DD. If they are arguing with each other and it is tit for tat I would meet with the other girl and her parents and try to sort the pair of them out so they can move forward in a friendly manner.

Keep it in perspective though. She may or may not have called somebody names. This used to happen to my son regularly on the football field. Unfortunately a lot of them are at it. She may be much nicer in other environments.

I think that’s right @saraclara

The other thing is you suggested upthread your DH thought the children and parents should get together in a room and discuss. This isn’t an ok approach. I don’t think your DH is well versed on policies for this sort of thing despite being a manager and think you need to watch out for subconsciously minimising what’s she’s done (if found out to be true) and overall how your DH is creating a culture at the club.

Surely 11 years old, one calling another a name doesnt constitute bullying.
People saying here that it sounds like a serious ongoing issue??
How on earth would you know that. Its perfectly possible that this one other girl is particularly sensitive and the other parents could easily be PFB about it.
Id definitely keep an eye and have a word, but other than that, if calling a name in a sports game is now bullying, then secondary school is gonna be fun.

We have asked our DD if the other child has said anything to her and our DD said no. I know my DH doesn't want it escalated as it could have consequences for him and our DD. He is integral part of this club for many many years,we live in the area, most of the kids are in the same school. It's very much our life. The other parents have said they will remove their own child from the club.