Daughter accused of bullying

[Pennyhill22]

My dd has been accused of bullying on her sports team. My DH is manager of the team. We have been told that she has been calling another team member names. Our DD denies it,the other parents are adamant she has said these things and have reported the issue to the club. I don't know what to do. My DD she hasn't said anything.

This. No wonder your daughter thinks she can get away with anything if this is your attitude.

And also, in my experience 'banter' usually is bullying.

"She has admitted calling the other child names but said she didn't mean to be mean,she just thought it was banter."

Oh, that old chestnut. The piss poor excuse used by so many kids trying to worm their way out of the consequences of their hideous behaviour.

But then you're so busy protecting your family's standing in the community and your husbands vile views on this poor child and her dad that you probably wouldn't see it if it slapped you in the face with bells on.

You need to have a strong word. You’ll believe her this time, you’ll stand up for her this time but it’s now or never for the truth. If you find out she’s lied then that’s it, trust is broken. My son was accused of something horrendous aged 10 and he was adamant he didn’t do it. We did the above, sat him down and laid it out, stood by him and played holy hell with school. It turns out it was one child’s lie and others being sucked in/Chinese whispers. School couldn’t apologise enough when the other child admitted it wasn’t true. He knows we’re here for him, which is priceless. We moved schools. I had lost faith.

Oh, I’ve seen your latest update. Ouch.

at 11 she’s knows what’s banter.

Things have moved on @Soulstirring

A Threat of child protection oven one incident of name calling seems either the parents are OTT or it was so serious its the reason one or both of the children are not telling the truth.

You missed the bit where OP said it wasn't a one off then.

This is a learning experience for you all

what - that sustained crude homophobic abuse isn’t quite the thing? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Why would you possibly jump to that, rather than the completely plausible explanation that she has indeed been bullying?

Hang on, you mean he doesn’t want it to go through the normal process for dealing with it?

That’s not good.

She has admitted calling the other child names but said she didn't mean to be mean,she just thought it was banter.

Homophobic slurs and crude name calling is never banter.

It sounds as if you are going to do nothing about it. Lets hope the club escalates it.

Bullying and homophobia are NEVER banter. I hope you drill this into your DD.

Even if your daughter has admitted to it, the club should be involved in deciding on any consequences, especially since your DH has made it clear that he can't be impartial.

Someone who prioritises their own child and their own relationship with a club shouldn't be managing a team - especially their own child's team. If DD does continues on the team, your DH needs to step down or swap teams with another manager.

"Banter" is a bully's way of minimising their bullying behaviour

If this was banter then that means she would use that language with any of her team mates. Would she say those things uk her best friend?

At 11 she should be in trouble for the bullying and then repeatedly lying. You have only heard the little she has given away, and she will have sugar coated when telling her side.

Tell her you love her but she will need to face the consequences of her actions. Ask her how she intends to fix this, let her work out out. The other child should not have to leave the club, your dd needs to apologise sincerely and ask what she can do to put it right. If the other child does not feel she can continue at the club because of your dds actions you dd should offer to leave.

You would expect the same if your dd was being bullied.

Your dh managing the club should be irrelevant to the situation.

So now things are heating up, and getting serious, and it's looking a lot harder for your daughter and husband to enable your daughter to avoid accountability for her behaviour, she reluctantly 'fesses up - oh, but it was 'just bantz'.

Like hell.

How does your daughter like the labels 'bully', and 'liar'? Would she accept those as 'just bantz'?

At 11 years old your daughter should, by now, be aware of the unacceptability of homophobic abuse - whether as 'banter' or not. It's not okay. Not now. Educate your child. Better late than never.

We told her there were witnesses and that she would not be in trouble for telling the truth. We told her that this was her last chance otherwise the club would get involved and it would be very serious

It is serious! Ffs your kid is bullying, you've just told her she won't be in trouble if she tells the truth? The truth is that she's been bullying another child into quitting a hobby, of course she needs to be in trouble.

You are doing your kid a disservice, you'll be devastated by the woman you raise if you don't punish her properly and teach her not to bully.

She needs taking off the team.

So does your husband actually. "He's not fond of her and thinks she can't be believed" vile.

There's no excuse for bullying. She made the decision to pick on this girl, she's not the victim here.

And you are now going to ensure that the truth comes out, and remove her from the team, at least for a while?

And have you reflected on how unacceptable it was that you thought it better that the other child be removed, for the “good” of your family?

We told her there were witnesses and that she would not be in trouble for telling the truth.

This is entirely the wrong message. You already knew the truth. She needs to be punished for this. She needed to know that there would be a further punishment for lying.

In my experience, tween girls are very adept at telling a story, which paints them in the best possible light. You could now only just scratching the surface.

I hope you want to hear this now when so many people said you’d got it wrong op.

Good point!

So where has your dd learned that homophobic slurs and bullying are ‘just banter’?
And as for ’He's not fond of her and thinks she can't be believed", words fail me 🤬 .Your dh’s attitude utterly stinks. He certainly shouldn’t be anywhere near children let alone training them. Who the hell does he think he is?!

Well, at least she has now admitted that she was calling the other child names. It is important that you punish her for this OP. The important thing here is that your daughter should learn from this incident that this kind of behaviour is not just unacceptable, but also has serious real-world consequences.

Better that she fully face those consequences this time and learn that lesson, and correct herself. Rather than get away with it, because then she will only continue with this kind of behaviour, and eventually end up in more serious trouble later on in life, where the consequences will not just be losing your place on a sports team but losing your job.

ok
Its helpful that shes admitted it at least, I'd contact the other parents, tell them she had admitted it and will be punished.
Re assure them that she will never behave this way again and make sure she understands this.

After all that, I think the cpo etc is all a bit of overkill, Kids are mean to each other at clubs all the time, I'm not sure that its appropriate to go straight to defcom 5 at the first stage.

How can you say 'she would not be in trouble for telling the truth'

She's been bullying another child! What are her consequences because it can't be nothing!